


Illustration of a Family

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama, Future
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-09-12
Updated: 2008-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-27 05:18:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 90,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12074280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Eight-year-old Gus spends the weekend with Brian and Justin. A look into how Gus has affected Brian's life, as well as past events that led Brian and Justin to where they are today.





	1. Define Family

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Gus tossed his belongings into his cubby before taking a seat. He and the rest of his third grade class had just finished lunch and recess and were about to partake in some sort of art related activity. Gus’s favorite things to do in school were to draw and paint and create what his mother called “masterpieces.” His other mother said it was because of all the artistic influence in his life; Lindsay worked in an art gallery and painted from time to time, not to mention Justin encouraged him to draw whenever he could. Part of what made doing art so enjoyable for Gus was the praise that he would get for his creations.

Jeremy, on the other hand, was not quite as fond of art as his best friend. He would much rather be playing baseball, or soccer, or basketball, or one of the many other sports he was amazing at for an eight year old. Gus did like sports; his father, who was the star of his varsity soccer team in high school and college, would often take him to the park and they would kick around a ball. Gus wasn’t half bad at it, either, but he never got the same pleasure from kicking a ball across a field as he did stroking a brush across a piece of paper.

“Do you know what we’re doing today?” Jeremy asked when he sat down next to Gus.

He shrugged and pointed to the colored pencils that had been placed in the centers of the children’s tables. “Drawing something.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes. “Duh! I mean do you know what we have to draw?”

“How would I?”

“I just hope it’s easy. Maybe Mrs. Matus will let us go back outside after.”

As much as Gus enjoyed Jeremy, he was his best friend after all, he sometimes got tired of his unwillingness to do something new, something that wasn’t his forte. He would never say anything though, he wasn’t confrontational like that. He’d rather just ignore him for the time being and wait for Jeremy to change the subject as he always did.

“So what are you doing this weekend?”

Before he could even answer, Gus found himself becoming excited. “I’m staying over at my Dad’s.”

“That’s cool. You’re Dad drives a really awesome car. I saw it once when he picked you up from school.”

“Yeah! He says he’s gonna teach me how to drive in it when I’m older.”

“You’re so lucky!”

Gus thought so, too.

“Okay, kids, quiet down please,” Mrs. Matus called out to them in her sugary sweet voice with a demeanor to match. “Just let me explain what we’re doing and then you guys can chat all you like. What I want you to do today is very simple: draw the members of your family.” There was a long pause; the children were expecting more instruction, but there was none. “Okay, get to it!”

The side discussions started up again immediately as twenty-three third graders grabbed for the colored pencils and began sketching. Jeremy was jabbering away at Gus, who wasn’t hearing a word. Draw the members of your family? For most children, this would be a simple task. A mom, a dad, maybe a few siblings. But for Gus, it was... complicated, involved. He raised his hand and waited for Mrs. Matus to come to assist him.

“Yes, Gus?”

“Um... I’m not sure who to draw,” he confessed, a bit embarrassed though he was not sure why.

Mrs. Matus knew his situation and was sympathetic to his slight confusion. Choosing her words carefully, she attempted to explain. “Just draw whoever it is you consider part of your immediate family. Who it is that you couldn’t imagine your life without. Who loves you and takes care of you? Don’t fret too much over this, there’s no right answer or right picture.”

Gus nodded. “Okay.” He picked up his pencil and began to draw himself and his sister, Jenny, in the center. That was easy enough. When he was about to get started on Melanie, he was pulled from a trance he often found himself in when he was drawing by Jeremy’s calling his name.

“GUS!”

“What?”

“I called your name like six times!”

“Sorry, I was busy.”

Jeremy laughed. “Whatever. I just wanted to ask you something.”

“Okay. What?”

“Are your moms dykes?”

Gus didn’t understand. He didn’t think Jeremy quite did either. “I don’t know. What’s a dyke?”

Jeremy shrugged. “I dunno. My dad said they were to my uncle. It’s probably something good though, I really like your moms.”

Gus smiled before going back to his drawing. His mind was busy now as he used the dark brown pencil to sketch his mother’s cropped hair and color in her work clothes. What was a dyke anyway? Jeremy was probably right, though. It couldn’t be anything bad because he knew his moms were good people. He would just have to ask them after school.

~*~

After climbing the few stairs of the stoop and reaching the front door of his destination, Justin pushed a few strands of his long blonde hair out of his eyes before ringing the doorbell. He waited only for a matter of seconds before Jenny opened the door excitedly, with Melanie standing behind her.

“Justin!” The preschooler cried out. Though it was not she he was coming for, it was nice to be greeted with such enthusiasm.

“Hey, Jenny,” he said. Leaning over and giving her a kiss on the forehead, he then turned to the girl’s mother. “Hey, Mel.”

Melanie gave Justin a friendly hug in response. “Hi there, stranger,” she teased; she saw him at least three times a week at the Liberty Diner. Though he had stopped working there when he became involved with the "Rage" movie, he was still a frequent customer.

“So where’s Gus?” He asked, surprised that the boy hadn’t been waiting by the door as his sister had.

“Upstairs. He has to finish getting his things together.”

“That’s cool. When’s Michael coming to pick up Jenny?” Justin asked, stepping inside.

“In about half an hour. Then Lindsay and I will have an entire weekend alone,” Melanie informed him, a look of bliss growing on her face. “Oh! But before I forget,” she said, taking his hand and leading him to the kitchen, “I have to show you this.”

They entered the kitchen hand-in-hand with Jenny on their heels. Lindsay was already there cooking what looked and smelled like lasagna. She glanced up and greeted Justin with a warm if not distracted smile.

“Linds, hon, where’s the picture? The one that Gus did today?”

A grin grew across Lindsay’s face that signaled to Justin that he was about to be shown something extremely sentimental. Not that he minded, of course.

“It’s on the fridge.”

Melanie pulled from the refrigerator door a piece of nine-by-twelve sketch paper that had a drawing of six figures on it. She handed the paper to Justin, who studied it carefully. Scrawled on the top in the surprisingly neat print of an eight-year-old were the words “My Family.”

“It was a school art project that Gus’s class had to do,” Melanie explained, “take at look at who’s in it.”

In the center were two children. One was a boy with light brown hair who could only be Gus. Next to him was Jenny. He drew her accurately enough with her curly, dark brown locks falling around her pudgy face. Though proportionally, Gus had drawn her many inches taller in comparison to himself. To the left of the children were two women, one with long blonde hair in a flowered sundress and the other with cropped brown hair and a business suit. Justin smiled at the accuracy of the portrayal of Gus’s mother’s.

To the right of the children were what caught his eye. Two men were drawn. One was obviously Brian. He was tall, wearing stylish sunglasses and a black tank top. Gus had even managed to capture his father’s perfectly coifed hair. Standing next to Brian was a shorter, younger blonde man with a "Rage" comic book in his right hand and a paint brush in his left hand. A smile spread across Justin’s face; even he was surprised by how excited his inclusion in this picture made him.

“Looks like your son inherited your art gene, Linds,” Justin mused.

“Yeah, not to mention your influence,” Lindsay informed him in response. At that moment, Gus came walking into the kitchen. He dropped his bag on the floor and ran to give Justin a hug. The young man reciprocated happily while being careful not to bend the artwork still in his hand.

“Hey, Gus! Your mom was just showing me this picture you did. You’ve got real talent, kid.”

Gus was beaming. “Thanks!” He said, as Melanie took the picture and placed it back on the refrigerator for all to see.

“Anytime. You ready to go?”

The young boy nodded. “Yeah. Where’s Daddy?”

“At the office. We’re gonna pick him up and then we have reservations and Antonio’s. How does that sound?”

“Great!” Gus assured him, excited to be going to his favorite restaurant.

“All right. So let’s grab your bags and book, then.”

Gus was given a hug and a kiss and a “be good for Justin and Daddy” from each of his mothers before being released. Justin, too, was given a farewell from both women, along with “make sure he does his homework and eats his vegetables.”


	2. Reality

Justin had barely taken the key out of the ignition before Gus had run out of the car and into the offices of Kinnetik. He locked the Corvette and chased his charge into the building. It didn’t take much for Justin to catch up to Gus, though he was fast for an eight-year-old. It was moments like this when Justin appreciated the time Gus had with his father, the tight bond that they shared, like the one Justin had had with his father once upon a time. Between meals at the diner and social visits, he saw Brian at least three times a week. There was something special, however, about the time they spent when he stayed with Brian, when he was Brian’s.

“Gus, don’t run in the office!” Justin called after the boy, sounding a frightening lot like his mother. It didn’t matter, though, Gus merely slowed his run to a quick jog and managed to race straight into Cynthia.

“Where’s the fire, Gus?” She asked with a smile. Gus simply laughed when Justin finally caught up to him.

“Hi, Justin. You guys can head on in, he’s in a meeting with his accountant but I’m sure they won’t mind.”

Justin nodded. “Thanks, Cynthia.”

They let themselves in and stood for a moment just over the threshold of the office. Brian was seated at his desk with papers strewn about in some sort of order that must have made sense to him. Ted was standing over his employer with a focused look. It took a moment for the two to break their concentration and look at the pair that had just entered the room.

Justin was holding Gus’s hand and had a small smirk playing at the corner of his mouth. It was a smirk that made Brian want to grab him and kiss his full lips, but that somehow didn’t seem appropriate at the moment. Gus, on the other hand, was looking oddly bashful for a child who had just seconds ago been traipsing through the office as if he owned it. He seemed intimidated by the rather imposing room, full of expensive Italian furniture and ads featuring half-naked body builders.

Brian stood from the desk and walked around to the front, never breaking his gaze with his child. “Hey, Sonny Boy.”

Gus took this as his cue and released Justin’s hand, running into his father’s arms. Brian scooped him up and held him tightly, kissing his soft, light brown hair. He smelled like applesauce and Play-Doh, the latter was probably his sister’s. Swimming in the scent of his son, Brian closed his eyes and for a moment, he and Gus were the only ones in the room. Brian was abruptly brought back to reality by the light touch of his lover’s hand on his back. The ad exec opened his eyes.

“Hi, honey,” Justin said in a semi-sarcastic tone. Brian smiled and kissed his lips, his son still in his arms.

“What? No hugs and kisses for me?” Ted suddenly asked, reminding the other three that he was still in the room. The comment did not warrant hugs or kisses, merely questioning stares from the two men as Gus wiggled out of his father’s arms.

“I’m sorry,” Ted apologized, “that was... poorly timed.”

All Brian could manage in response was a drawn out, “yyyyeeeahhh.”

Ted smiled. “You know, I’ll just go finish up this stuff, you three have a great weekend, I’m sure I’ll see you around.”

Ted picked up a bunch of papers off of Brian’s desk and exited with a polite wave, which was returned by the trio still standing in the middle of the office. Brian walked to his desk and straightened out the remaining files with a loud sigh. Justin watched him, completely enamored for no other reason than that he loved the man madly and would spend hours watching him if he could. Gus toyed with the strings of his sweatshirt when Brian finally called their attention.

“Okay,” he said, closing his briefcase and snapping it shut, “where are we off to?”

“Antonio’s!” Gus informed him before Justin even had the chance to speak.

“Sounds good.” Brian shot an annoyed look at Justin, who knew his partner was cringing inside seeing as how he had been trying to watch his carbs. He was willing, however, to put this aside for one night for his son.

“The car’s out front,” Justin told Brian as he tossed him the keys.

“Did you take good care of my baby?” He asked with a sarcastic smile and wrapped his arm around Justin’s slim waist.

“Yeah,” Justin affirmed, “both of them.”

~*~

Though he was well-behaved, Gus was being particularly fidgety at the restaurant. He was acting and moving like something was bothering him, but he didn’t want to say anything. Justin kept shooting Brian a look indicating that he should ask his son what was the matter. Brian would only shrug in response until finally Justin had the audacity to kick him under the table.

“Is something on your mind, Sonny Boy?”

Gus looked up from the salad he was pushing around on his plate. “I dunno,” he shrugged.

“I think you do,” Brian said. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

“Well... it’s more like a question.”

Justin got a sort of “uh-oh” look on his face and Brian braced himself. “What’s the question, then?”

“Is mommy a dyke?”

Justin choked on the glass of wine he was sipping, and Brian responded with a casual, “which one?” For which he received another kicked under the table.

“I mean, why do you ask?” He inquired, followed by Justin’s, “where did you hear that word?”

“Jeremy told me his dad said that they were dykes. Are they?”

Brian was at a loss for words. He knew this was one of those situations where he needed to be delicate, and Brian was anything but. He had always prided himself on being straightforward, no bullshit Brian Kinney. But Gus, unfortunately, couldn’t understand and shouldn’t have to hear the no bullshit version of what Brian wanted to say. These were his mothers, and he was very, very young. Still too young to truly understand that his parents weren’t like everyone else’s parents. So Brian at least knew he needed to be delicate with his answer, he just wasn’t sure he knew how.

“Gus, you know that having two mommies is different from how most other kids’ families are, right?”

Gus shrugged and then nodded. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Well, some people don’t really understand why some people are like that. And even though there’s nothing wrong or shameful about it, they still don’t understand it. Because they don’t understand it, some people will say some hurtful things.”

“Is dykes hurtful?” Gus asked. His honesty made Brian want to reach out and hug him. He dreaded the day when his son would lose his youthful naïveté.

Brian nodded. “It’s not a nice thing to say about someone.”

Gus’s face grew pensive and it was long time before he spoke again. “But... they’re not bad, right? They didn’t do anything wrong.”

Brian placed his hand on his boy’s shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly. “No, Sonny Boy, your moms are two of the best people anyone will ever have the fortune of meeting.”

Seeming to understand this, at least as much as an eight-year-old could, Gus gave his father a half-smile and went back to busying himself with his salad. Brian let go of his son and felt a hand fall onto his knee. He looked at Justin, who was watching him with adoring eyes.

The blonde smiled at his lover before whispering in his ear, “nice work, Dad.”

The rest of dinner went much more smoothly with conversation pertaining to cartoons, video games, and the third grade curriculum. By the time they left, Brian was beyond ready to be home. Unfortunately, what should have been a fifteen minute ride back to the loft became indefinite because of a broken water main. Brian and Justin were pleased with Gus’s ability to entertain himself with his Gameboy, at least for the first half hour. Then, much to the couple’s dismay, the boy became restless and took notice of what was on the radio.

“I hate commercials!” He complained.

Justin, whose head was leaning on his right hand, which was propped up against the window, couldn’t help but laugh. Gus had all but declared his contempt for Brian’s entire way of life. Brian, too, got the joke and cracked a smile, not before scolding his son.

“Gus, could you not whine, please?”

“But I hate listening to these dumb radio commercials. I wanna hear music.”

Brian cocked his brow and stared at his son through the rearview. “Last time I checked that is not how you ask for something.”

Gus corrected his behavior. “Could we change the station, please?” He asked, saying the last word with as much false civility as he could muster.

Brian smiled, obviously displeased with his son’s tone but extremely unwilling to start bickering with him. “Sure, Gus.”

As Brian was flipping through the stations to find something that would pacify his finicky son, Justin’s hand suddenly crashed down on his, stopping the radio on some Latin sounding station.

“I didn’t know you were into salsa,” Brian said to his lover with a sly smile. “You should have told me sooner.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “No! There was... on the oldies station a few channels before this. Go back.”

Brian obliged and began flipping to a lower frequency. It seemed abrupt though it wasn’t. When he heard the song, which he hadn’t heard in a long time, he felt his heartbeat quickening. It was a natural reaction to the sounds and the lyrics that resonated from the speakers:

//You can dance every dance

With the guy that gives you the eye;

Let him hold you tight//

“It’s our song,” Justin said simply and almost sadly. Brian and Justin stared and one another for a long time, and Gus watched them from the backseat. They were sharing a look that he could not, and would not understand until he was much, much older and in love himself. Even then, he couldn’t possibly understand just what their relationship, what their love had endured. That was this look, that was what was carried in this song.

//You can smile every smile

For the man who held your hand

Beneath the pale moonlight//

Brian put out his hand and Justin took it with a smile. The older man gave his partner a gentle squeeze before leaning in to plant a kiss on Justin’s full lips.

//But don’t forget who’s taking you home

And in whose arms you’re gonna be

So darling, save the last dance for me//

“I love you,” Justin sighed, and Brian planted another kiss on his mouth, just as the traffic began to move towards home.

 

 

 

* * *

It occurred to me that the Corvette Sting Ray may or may not have a backseat. For the purposes of this story, it does indeed have a backseat.


	3. Storytelling

I started writing this story before 414, so just pretend that at that point, Brian had never asked Justin to move in with him.

* * *

 

 

 

“Hey, Jus?”

Justin looked away from the television screen, which was flashing the colorful images of animated Beatles. He turned his attention to Gus, who was lying beside him on the black futon cushion.

“Yeah, Gus?”

“Will you tell me a story?”

“A story?” Justin inquired, “but don’t you wanna watch the movie?”

Shrugging, Gus said, “I like it and stuff, but I’ve seen it already.”

“Okay, then. You got any particular story in mind?”

“The one about when you named me, the night I was born,” Gus said, a bit too quickly.

“Gus, I’ve told you that one a thousand times. You don’t wanna hear a new one?” Justin asked, shaking his head as he spoke.

“Nah, that one’s my favorite.”

Justin couldn’t help but smile. Gus had inherited his father’s egotism; he loved hearing about himself.

“All right then,” Justin relented. “It was the night I met your dad. I was on Liberty Avenue for the first time, and it was getting kind of late. I was standing on a corner, and your dad and I saw each other from across the street and-”

“You knew you wanted him to be your boyfriend!”

“Excuse me, are you telling this story or am I?” Justin asked, poking Gus in the ribs.

“You! You!” Gus giggled while trying to pry Justin’s hands from his sides.

“Right, anyway. I saw your dad, he saw me, and he asked me if I was going anywhere. I told him not really so he asked if I wanted to come over and hang out.”

Justin had told Gus this story so many times that he knew the edited version by heart.

“Anyway, we were at the loft when he got a phone call from Mel saying that Lindsay had had the baby. So we put on our shoes, picked up Michael, and rushed over to the hospital. We ran like maniacs down the hall to get to your room. The second we entered, and Brian saw your mom holding you in her arms, his jaw dropped and his eyes got really wide. He couldn’t move.

“Lindsay asked if he wanted to hold you, of course he did! She put you in his arms and anyone could tell that he loved you.”

“Then you gave me my name?”

“How’d you guess?” Justin asked with a smirk. As Gus put his head down on his pillow, Justin stroked his hair tenderly and continued. “So then, as you know, Mel and Lindz couldn’t decide on a name for you. They asked your dad if he like Abraham or Gus better, and since he didn’t know, he asked me. I said definitely Gus.”

“I’m glad,” Gus said with a yawn, “I don’t think I’m an Abraham.”

Justin smiled. “Yeah, me either.”

“So then what happened?”

“Then, I watched Brian holding you in his arms, and you both looked so beautiful. That was the moment I knew I loved your dad. I knew I wanted to be with him forever. And I knew I loved you, too.”

Gus gave Justin a half smile and said, “I love you, too, Justin. I loved you then, too.”

Justin loved the way that Gus warmed him inside. He didn’t think he could love the child more if he had been his own. In a way, Gus had become his own. Taking care of him on the occasional weekend, going to soccer games, seeing himself in portraits of family, it never seemed like a chore. Justin gave Gus a kiss on the forehead and continued to stroke his hair until the boy was sleeping.

When Brian saw that Gus had fallen asleep on the futon mattress while watching “The Yellow Submarine” with Justin, he decided to stop the work he was finishing up at home to get a blanket from his cushion. Justin stood up just as Brian placed the comforter over his sleeping child. He kissed the top of his son’s head, and Justin stretched the stiffness from his muscles.

“You can stop the DVD if you want to,” Justin told Brian with a slight yawn. “I’ve seen it, like, a million times.”

Brian smiled. “I know,” he said as he clicked off the movie. He saw Justin glance at the clock and decided to look himself. It was almost one. On most days at one in the morning, Justin and Brian had much more titillating activities going on than tucking in a slumbering Gus; however, Brian wouldn’t trade moments like this for the world, though he would never admit it.

Justin rubbed his eyes. “I’m surprised that I almost fell asleep. I guess it’s just one of those things where you don’t realize how tired you are until your head hits the pillow, you know?”

“I haven’t a clue,” Brian said, wrapping his arm around Justin’s waist and pulling him close. “I function off of better things than sleep.”

“Yeah, yeah, sing me a new one some time,” Justin teased. He kissed Brian’s neck before taking his hand and leading him off to their bed. Brian crawled into it suggestively and Justin fell on top of him. He nuzzled his nose against Brian’s chin and placed a line of kisses down his lover’s jaw.

“Mmm,” Brian mumbled, closing his eyes and releasing a deep breath. “That’s feels good.”

“Mmm hmm,” Justin agreed, mimicking Brian’s sedate expression. “So how was work, honey?” He asked, teasing Brian’s hatred for trite, marital sentiments.

Brian laughed despite himself. “Good. Brown loved the artwork you did for the new campaign. But we knew they would.”

“Of course. Oh, and, did you happen to check the mail?” Justin asked as he kissed the hollow of Brian’s neck.

Brian’s eyes shot open and he looked at Justin, causing his partner to stop mid-kiss. “Yes, and there’s no fucking way.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh please. Don’t insult me. And don’t you dare ask because there is no fucking way I’m going.”

“Oh come on! Why not?”

“Because... when I left that place twenty years ago I left without looking back. I left without any intention of ever returning. There is a reason I didn’t go to my tenth and what a fun fucking conversation that was with Michael. He begged me to go.”

“I just don’t understand why you’re so opposed to going. It’ll be fun! I mean, I thought you were really popular in high school.”

“So what? That doesn’t mean I wasn’t miserable. Just because I could kick a ball around a field people decided they should like me. And I don’t see why you’re so eager to go considering your last high school event was such a fucking disaster.”

Brian had crossed a line and he knew it when it was too late. Justin looked as though he had been punched in the face. Brian knew he had to say something fast, make it better, but it was hard to speak out of the fear that he would only say something worse. Pulling back, Justin sat up in the bed and Brian mimicked his motion.

“Justin... I shouldn’t have said...” Brian still didn’t know what to say or how to make it better. “Fucking hell.”

Somehow, Justin managed a weak smile. “It’s... it’s okay. I know you didn’t mean anything by it.”

“It’s not okay,” Brian said, shaking his head. “I’m an ass.”

Justin’s lips curled into a much fuller smile. “I could’ve told you that.”

Releasing the air that he had been holding in his lungs, Brian felt relieved. He placed his hand tenderly on the back of Justin’s neck as he often did and pulled their faces close so that their foreheads were pressing against each other’s. When Brian exhaled, his cool breath tickled Justin’s lips.

“You know, you’re fucking lucky I’m so damn forgiving,” Justin teased as he rested his hands on Brian’s thighs.

“Yeah,” Brian agreed, “it’s one of the things that makes me love you so damn much.”

Justin kissed Brian’s mouth. “I love you, too.”

It wasn’t often that Brian said the words, but he didn’t need to. Justin never needed constant affirmation of Brian’s love for him because he felt it all the time. He was sure of it, secure in it. Even the first time Brian had actually spoken it to Justin, he had barely noticed that he had said it.

It was just over a year after Brian’s cancer ordeal; Justin graduated from PIFA with honors and was waiting at the loft for Brian. They were supposed to be meeting at Woody’s for drinks and then go dancing and fucking at Babylon, but Justin wanted to surprise his boyfriend by cooking dinner. When Brian arrived back at the loft, he was welcomed by the smell of chicken in the oven.

“What are you doing here?” Brian asked with a smile, laying his briefcase on the kitchen counter. He took off his jacket and carefully placed it on the back of a chair; walking behind Justin, who was boiling potatoes, he wrapped his arms around his waist.

“Are you pleasantly surprised?”

“You could say that,” Brian stated with a slight chuckle. “I didn’t realize you cooked.”

“There are still a few things you don’t know about me, Mr. Kinney. Besides, this is easier than jambalaya,” Justin informed him only somewhat sarcastically.

It took a moment for Brian to understand what he was referencing. When it came to him, he couldn’t help but laugh and mutter, “shit. You better not be making a mess with this... what are you making?”

“Lemon roasted chicken. I got the recipe from a magazine I took from my mom’s place. It seemed simple enough, and I’ll clean up when I’m done. Besides, I’m an artist, it’s all about presentation in the end.”

“It smells good,” Brian told him as he rested his chin on Justin’s shoulder. His follow-up comment being, “mmm, you smell good.”

Justin’s hand traveled behind his head so that his fingers were running through Brian’s hair. He closed his eyes and sighed. “It’s the new C.K. scent,” he informed his lover. “I take it you like?”

Brian responded by burying his face in the hollow of Justin’s neck and inhaling deeply. Carelessly tossing down the utensils he had been using, Justin turned around and captured Brian’s lips with his own. Brian kissed his lover back with a passion to match, and their kiss grew in intensity with each second that passed. Moving away from the stove, Brian tugged on Justin so that he could be pressed up against the kitchen counter. The blonde pulled on his older paramour’s tie and impatiently yanked it off over his head. Brian smiled when his lips once again came crashing down upon Justin, who was now unbuttoning Brian’s shirt. Leaning in, Justin traced a line with his tongue from the center of Brian’s chest and up his neck to his chin. Brian laughed and pulled Justin in closer still, though he wasn’t sure if it were possible.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Justin suddenly gasped, coming up for air and pulling back from Brian. “I spent a lot of time putting this together. Let’s do dinner first.”

“Why don’t we just cut right to dessert and do me first?” Brian asked, a sly smile tugging and the corners of his mouth.

“My God, Brian, I’ve never known you to be so trite!” Justin exclaimed, not trying to hide his making fun of his lover.

“Fuck trite, and while you’re at it, fuck me.”

“After dinner,” Justin said, putting his foot down. “I do have some willpower, you know?”

“Actually-”

“Don’t!” Justin cut him off but couldn’t help laughing along with Brian.

Brian, never one to waste time but even more, never one to make his wants obvious, waited patiently until he and Justin had finished dinner before pulling the young artist hastily into bed. When Brian finally collapsed on top of Justin after their third time, Justin admitted defeat.

“We have to stop,” he breathed, running his fingers through Brian’s sweat-drenched hair. “If only for five minutes.”

“What can I say, Sunshine, besides that it looks like your years are finally catching up with you.”

Justin shifted his weight abruptly so that he could roll on top of Brian. “You don’t even wanna know the response I’d be dignifying that remark with.” He giggled softly before leaning his head forward so that his once again long blonde locks fell into Brian’s face. Justin gazed down at his tired lover with silky blue eyes, which were radiating the love and closeness he felt for Brian. Grabbing handfuls of the cobalt Egyptian cotton sheets on his bed, Brian pulled them up and around Justin so that they were draped over his shoulders.

“The sheets, they bring out the color in your eyes.”

“Hmm, I didn’t even know you knew what color my eyes were considering you spend most of your time looking at my ass.”

Brian smirked and gently shoved Justin off of him so they were lying side by side. “I think it’s the other way around,” Brian teased, but then became serious. “And I do know what color your eyes are whether you’d like to believe it or not.”

Resting his head on Brian’s chest, Justin sighed and kissed the warm skin. “I know you do. I also know how fucking lucky you are.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Justin think, you could have been out fucking some twink who couldn’t suck cock to save his life and instead you’re here... with me... experiencing perfection.”

“Even if I had been with some twink,” Brian began as he pulled Justin close to him, “I’d be thinking of you.”

Justin smiled, almost embarrassed by Brian’s confession. It was rare for him to be so candid about his feelings.

“Do you... think of me?”

“All the time,” Brian answered without hesitation. “But that’s what you do when you love someone, isn’t it?”

The words had come from Brian’s lips so quickly that Justin almost hadn’t noticed what had been said.

Almost.

The strangest thing about it was... it didn’t feel new. Brian had told Justin so many times before that he loved him without saying it. In a look, or a gentle touch, or a passionate kiss, and that had always been enough. So when Brian actually said it, that he “loved” Justin, it seemed mundane, and natural, and familiar.

Justin pressed his lips against his lover’s. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

Even Brian seemed unfazed by what he had said when he began a new conversation. “Oh, there’s been something I’ve been meaning to ask you. Well... not so much ask as tell.”

“What?”

“I want you to move back in with me.”

This, on the other hand, somehow caught Justin by surprise. “Really? You’re serious?”

“Would I say it if I weren’t? Besides, Daphne’s gonna be moving to New York in a few weeks to start at NYU Med, and you spend more time here than at your apartment, anyway.”

“So that’s it? Convenience?” Justin asked, testing Brian, who knew it.

“No. That’s not it. When I first met you, I felt like my loft was barely big enough for me. Now, whenever you’re not here, it feels empty.”

“I dunno. I think that-”

“Don’t. Don’t start fucking around with me with all this ‘I’m not sure’ bullshit. You know as well as I do that you belong here, with me.”

Justin looked Brian straight in his eyes and said, “I’ve known since the moment I saw you, Brian. I’ve just been waiting for you to catch on.”

“So... I’ll take that as a maybe, then?”

Justin choked a laugh as he stroked Brian’s cheek. “You can take that as a yes.”

Justin’s mind often flashed to this moment; it was one of the best of his life. The small things would make him think of it, like the version of “I love you” he had just heard from Brian. It always was the small things that made him the happiest.

“So I’ll think about it,” Brian said to Justin, pulling him from his reverie.

“Huh?” Justin asked as he began tugging off his clothes in preparation for sleep. Brian was already dressed in his sweatpants, wisely choosing not to sleep in the nude while his son was staying over.

“I said I’ll think about going to the reunion, just don’t count on my answer being ‘yes’.”

Justin pressed his lips together and smiled. “I never do,” he told him, batting his lashes.

Rolling his eyes, Brian kissed Justin’s cheek and lips before turning onto his side. “Goodnight,” he muttered. Justin soon fell into a deep sleep while tracing delicate patterns on Brian’s bare back.


	4. Night Terrors

At three forty-five in the morning, Brian was awoken by a soft but urgent pressure on his shoulder. At first he thought he might be dreaming but knew that wasn’t the case when he heard Gus’s voice softly calling.

“Dad. Daddy?”

Brian had to blink away the sleep from his eyes as his shivering son slowly came into focus. He sat up quicker than he had intended, waking Justin in the process. Yawning, Brian tried to give as much attention as he could to Gus.

“What’s wrong, Sonny Boy?”

Gus, whose arms were wrapped tightly around himself, let out a soft whimper. “I had a nightmare. A bad one.”

“Oh.” Though Brian would do anything for his son, he was not always exactly sure what he needed to do in certain situations. “Do you... wanna tell me about it?”

The boy shook his head. “No.”

“So... what would you like me to do?”

“Can I lay down with you? When I get a bad dream I lay down with Mom.”

For a moment, this somehow felt strange to Brian. It was a very brief moment. “Of course.”

Scooting over, Brian made room for his son, inadvertently bumping into Justin, who smiled and said, “why don’t I get you some water, Gus.”

Gus nodded absently as Justin climbed out of bed. As his son snuggled into his arms, Brian could feel the child’s convulsions. He vaguely remembered having such terrible nightmares as a child, but never would have even thought of running to his parents for comfort. The only solace he would have received from his mother was drunken mumbling, and from his father he undoubtedly would have been smacked on the back of the head and called a “fuckin’ fairy.”

When Justin got back into bed and handed Gus his water, it seemed like not so long ago that Brian was holding him in such a way. That he was waking from sleep, shaking and terrified, gripping at where the bat had connected with his head. Gus, however, did not wake up screaming. Brian hoped that he never would.

“Listen to me, Gus. Are you listening?”

The child lowered the glass from his lips and nodded against his father’s chest.

“Whatever your nightmare was about, whatever happens, I would never, ever let anything hurt you. I will always protect you in every way that I can. Okay?”

Gus nodded again as Brian took the cup from his hands and placed in on the nightstand. Feeling a hand resting on his shoulder, he looked at Justin who was smiling warmly if not tiredly at him. Brian returned the gesture, and Justin rested his chin on his partner’s shoulder.

“Why don’t you try going back to sleep, Gus?” Justin asked and stroked the boy’s hair affectionately. “I bet you’ll feel better once you do.”

Gus, who was already falling asleep, lied down and the two men did the same. Justin knew, of course, that Gus would feel better now that he was in his father’s loving arms. After all, he knew from experience that being in Brian’s embrace worked wonders on calming the frightened mind.

~*~

To his surprise, Brian found himself alone in bed when he woke up at ten past nine. He remembered falling asleep with Gus secure in his embrace and with Justin’s arm wrapped around his waist. Neither of the two were in bed, however, and he could hear soft mumbling and sizzling coming from the kitchen. Figuring it was nothing that concerned him, he kept his eyes closed and tried to go back to sleep. When curiosity somehow managed to get the better of him, Brian climbed out of bed.

Walking down the two steps separating his bedroom from the rest of his loft, Brian looked into the kitchen and saw Justin and Gus bustling about in a manner that showed their attempt at not making much noise. He smiled without realizing it as he tried to figure out just what his son and lover were up to. As Gus was digging for some utensil in a drawer, Justin looked up and saw Brian walking toward them.

“Morning.” He grinned. “Glad to see you’re finally up.”

Brian walked over to Justin and kissed his forehead. “Hmm, morning, Sunshine.”

With a spatula in his hand, Gus turned around and beamed at his father. “Good morning, Dad.”

“And good morning to you,” Brian said, ruffling his son’s hair with one hand and pulling out the orange juice from the refrigerator with the other.. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Yeah, I slept good.”

“That’s good.” Brian said and poured himself a glass of the orange liquid.

“We’re making pancakes!” Gus announced in the excited manner of an eight-year-old.

“I see that. Smells yummy.”

“It was Gus’s idea,” Justin informed him. “You have a very bright boy.”

“Well, he is my son.” Justin snorted a laugh for which he received a playful slap on the ass. “While you guys finish up, I’m going to take a shower.”

As Justin watched him walk to the bathroom, he couldn’t help but smirk and wish just a little bit that he was taking it with him.


	5. The Norm

“Honey... Honey don’t touch that!” Michael scolded from behind the counter as his daughter tugged at the arm of the newest Rage standee. It had come in the night before and he couldn’t wait to show it to Justin, who had been particularly proud of it. This was one of the less angry, more cocky- pun definitely intended- looking Rages that Justin had designed to bring “life-sized” into people’s homes. It also sported Rage’s newer, sexier (if that were possible) outfit that he would be wearing in the comics. A preview of sorts.

“I got her,” Hunter offered, swooping Jenny from her feet and into his arms. Despite his attempt to hold on to her, she managed to wiggle from his grasp, and Hunter had to let her down for fear that he would drop her if he didn’t.

Jenny giggled. “I’m stronger than you, Hunter!”

“Oh yeah,” he agreed, his voice thick with playful sarcasm, “totally stronger.”

Sticking out her tongue, she made a mischievous dash for the door and was blocked by an entering customer. Not so much a customer, but Brian.

“Hey there,” he greeted her, pushing his sunglasses down on his nose and gazing at her over the tops of the frames. “Where are you running to?”

“Running from Hunter,” Jenny explained, rolling her eyes, which then fell upon Gus, and she made a sour but playful face. “How come you’re here?”

Gus sighed. “Justin wanted to see Rage.”

Justin smiled as he walked through the door. “What can I say? I’m an egomaniac in love with my own work.”

“I think that says a lot,” Brian affirmed as he gave Justin a peck on the lips. “I’ve taught you well.”

Justin smiled; Michael rolled his eyes, and Brian put his arm around his best friend’s shoulder. “How’s it going, Mikey?”

“All right,” he said as he watched Gus wander over to the Spider-man section. “And Jenny loves the new Rage.”

“Of course she does,” Justin said with the utmost seriousness. “I’m very talented.”

“Don’t forget modest,” Michael quipped as Jenny ran to Justin, who picked her up and allowed her to point at and touch Rage’s face. Michael took this opportunity to address Brian. “So what are you guys up to today?”

“Gus wanted to go to the aquarium.”

“Uh huh. That sounds nice.”

“Mmm. You’re welcome to join us if you like. I’m sure Gus would be thrilled to have little sis tagging along.”

“That’s very thoughtful, but Ben and I were able to manage making plans of our own, thanks.”

“So where is the good professor?”

“He had some weekend lecture conference thingie. It ends at two and then we’re off.”

“To where?”

“Pittsburgh Children’s Museum. The one that opened a couple of months ago.”

“That should be fun. Hunter’s going too?”

“Of course I’m going,” Hunter told him matter-of-factly as he pushed a few stray strands of hair behind his ear. “I’m family.”

When Jenny tugged on his jacket to get his attention, Brian forgot what he was going to say. “Yes, dear?”

“Brian?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you forty?”

Brian was almost speechless. He felt his face getting hot as Michael snickered next to him. “Do I look forty to you?” He asked, not caring how ridiculous he sounded getting insulted by a five-year-old.

She shrugged. “I dunno. What does forty look like?”

“Jenny, honey,” Michael said before Brian could answer, “why don’t you go and play with Gus, okay?”

Jenny nodded complacently. “Okay.”

“Michael?” Brian called for the attention of his best friend.

“Yes?” Michael responded simply, doing whatever he could to keep from laughing at Brian’s distraught tone.

“I think I’m gonna vomit.”

Justin, deciding it was about time he joined this conversation, walked next to Brian and wrapped his arm around his waist. “Oh stop being such a drama queen. You don’t look forty.”

“Yeah,” Michael agreed. “You don’t look a day over thirty-eight. Oh wait,” he snickered, unable to resist. “You are thirty-eight.”

Brian glared at Michael. “You asshole. Need you constantly remind me that I’m getting older with every second.”

“Speaking of which, did you get the invite?”

Justin stifled a laugh; Brian groaned. “Unfortunately.”

“You gonna go?”

“I haven’t decided yet.” Justin raised his brow and pursed his lips. Before he could say anything, Brian spoke again. “But I know I’m gonna go to the aquarium and if we don’t go soon, we’ll miss the penguin feeding.”

Kissing Michael on the cheek, he grabbed Justin’s hand and called out to Gus. “Sonny Boy, we’re off. Say ‘bye’.”

Hunter ruffled Gus’s hair as the boy waved to his little sister. Running to take his father’s free hand, the trio left the store and headed to their destination.

~*~

Once Brian had paid for Gus, Justin, and himself to get in, Gus was, as usual, about ten paces ahead of the couple.

“Hey, Gus! Don’t go too far, stay where we can see you.”

Brian could remember that since the day that he was born (though that particular day he didn’t remember too well), Gus was always anxious to get ahead, be ahead, be first. Though this had caused some problems once Gus was no longer an only child, Brian admired this quality that he knew his son inherited from him. Because it wasn’t just about being the best, it was about taking everything in, having knowledge about anything he could. And the way Brian was about the business and advertising world, Gus was about art. Brian loved this even more; he always had been drawn to artists.

Justin dug in his pocket for a piece of gum and held one out to Brian, who politely declined the offer. He would have preferred a cigarette, but his bout with cancer a few years back had instilled a healthy and necessary dose of fear in him. He didn’t quit smoking, but he seriously reduced his consumption of cigarettes, which Justin happily did along with him. And he and Justin never, ever smoked around Gus or Jenny.

Once Justin had shoved the second stick of gum back into his pocket, Brian took the opportunity to grab his hand, also grabbing Justin’s attention. The blonde pressed his lips together and smiled at his lover for his very public display of affection in what Justin considered the “straight world”. He hated that he thought that, but couldn’t help it. As he rubbed his head affectionately on Brian’s shoulder to show that he appreciated the gesture, he was reminded of how “out of the norm” such behavior was to many others.

“Faggots,” Justin heard a man in his mid-forties whisper to his wife. She glanced at them and pulled her two sons faster in the opposite direction. Justin looked at Brian and knew that he had heard as well. More because he was embarrassed than ashamed, he lightly tried to tug his hand from Brian’s grasp. Brian wouldn’t allow this, and Justin knew why and was glad that Brian had the courage that he was unable to muster.

Brian made a point of pulling Justin closer to him in response to the man’s bigotry. Usually, comments such as this one didn’t bother him and he would ignore them. If he were in a particularly foul mood, he’d snark back something to the tune of, “you should be so lucky!” But he couldn’t now, not with Gus walking five feet in front of him. Reason number one why this particular comment had bothered him so much. Though Gus hadn’t heard the remark, it made Brian angry that he couldn’t enjoy the time with his family the same way a couple of breeders could. More importantly, he wanted to spare Gus the harsh reality of much of the world’s not approving of his “lifestyle”. He wanted to preserve Gus’s innocence, his belief in the goodness of people for as long as he could. He didn’t want Gus to ever, ever have to feel scared or ashamed.

And then there was Justin, reason number two why this comment had so royally pissed him off. Though he knew that Justin would never be ashamed of him, he understood that Justin was sensitive to such remarks. This was something he believed was residual from his high school experience. He tried to be proud and strong, he tried to fight back, and he got his head bashed in with no real consequences to the basher. Brian figured that subconsciously, Justin still felt this way, that if he were proud, he’d be punished for it. Much in the way Brian wanted to protect Gus’s innocence, he wanted to protect Justin’s sense of self as he squeezed his hand and kissed his neck.

Justin shook his head. “Sorry.”

“What do you have to be sorry for? They’re the ones who are fucked.”

“I just don’t want you to think that-”

“Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. Especially me.”

“It is especially you. You’re the one who matters most. You’ve always been the one.”

Brian wrapped his arm around Justin’s shoulder and touched his head to his lover’s as they followed Gus to the penguin tank. Checking his watch, Brian saw that it was five to one, just in time for the feeding. He placed his free hand on the back of his son’s neck and sighed.

“Maybe you could be a marine biologist,” he suggested, “then you could work with the penguins.”

“Nah,” Gus said, shaking his head, “I like penguins, but I wanna be an artist.”

“An admirable ambition,” Justin said with a smile.

“Gus! Hey Gus!” The trio heard from behind them just as one of the trainers walked into the tank with a bucket of small, dead fish. They turned around and saw Jeremy jogging their way, a man and a women who were holding hands followed closely behind him.

“Hi, Jeremy,” Gus said with an excited smile.

“Hey, what’re you doing here?”

“My dad and Justin took me.”

“Cool.” The boy craned his neck to get a look at the feeding. “They just started?”

Gus nodded. “Mm hm.”

Jeremy’s parents, as Brian assumed they were, finally caught up to their child. The woman spoke first, “hi, Gus. What a funny coincidence.”

Gus waved. “Hi, Lauren. Hi, John.” Brian was a bit surprised by the lack of formality between his son and Jeremy’s parents. Things really were changing. It was then that Lauren looked up and addressed Brian and Justin.

“Hello. I’m Lauren, Jeremy’s mom, and this is John.”

Handshakes were exchanged as John said with a neutral smile, “glad to meet you.”

“Same here,” Brian said cautiously, remembering the conversation at the restaurant from the night before. “I’m Brian, Gus’s father. This is Justin, my partner.”

“Oh, I feel like I know you both,” Lauren said with a broad, genuine smile. “Gus never stops going on about both of you. And I’ve seen pictures at Mel and Lindsay’s. But, if you don’t mind my saying, the pictures do you no justice. What a handsome couple you make.”

Justin had to bite his lower lip to keep from beaming. He loved being a couple. He loved Brian’s introduction with the title of ‘partner’. It simply never got old. “Thank you.”

Gus groaned. “This is boring.”

“Yeah,” Jeremy agreed, “I’m gonna get a better look over there.”

“I’ll take you boys over,” John offered.

“I’ll go too,” Justin said, and the two men followed their boys to a gap in the crowd where they could see better. This left Brian and Lauren alone, and Brian was trying to figure this woman out. She seemed nice enough; actually, Brian really wanted to like her. She was friendly, warm, and seemed extremely accepting. Brian could tell a bullshiter when he met one, and Lauren seemed completely genuine when she spoke of what a “handsome couple” Brian and Justin made. So how could she be with a man who called a child’s parents dykes?

“Jeremy and Gus have become very close in the past year. Gus practically lives at our house and vice versa. So of course, I’ve gotten a lot of time to know Mel and Linds,” Lauren said. “And you wouldn’t believe the praises I hear of you and Justin from Gus. I’m so glad I’ve finally gotten to meet you both.”

Brian smiled. “It’s nice to meet Gus’s friends, and their parents,” he said. He wasn’t sure if he should go on with what he wanted to say. Or maybe it would be better to say something directly to John. Somehow, it felt like a better idea to go through Lauren, who seemed like the non-confrontational type.

“However, I’d appreciate it if you could ask your husband to not call the mothers of my son ‘dykes’ in earshot of your child. You know how kids are, he hears it, then Gus hears it, and frankly, it’s not something I want Gus to be hearing.”

Lauren looked not only taken aback, but confused. “My husband?”

“You know? John. Introduced him to me not five minutes ago.” Brian was starting to feel uncertain of what he had said.

“First of all, John’s my fiancée, not my husband. Second of all, he would never say such a thing, especially in front of Jeremy.”

Brian tried thinking back to the night before. It had definitely been Jeremy’s father that Gus had told him about. “Gus told me that Jeremy told him his father called Linds and Mel a couple of dykes.”

Lauren looked as though a light bulb went on over her head. “Oh! Oh I’m so sorry. I should’ve... I should have guessed...” she sighed, trying to collect her thoughts. “Jeremy’s father and I are divorced. Jeremy sees him about two weekends a month.”

This was one of the few instances in his life when Brian felt embarrassment. “Oh. I’m... I didn’t realize that-”

“No, no, no,” Lauren insisted, “it’s not your fault. I should have known by what you described that it was him. That asshole- pardon me.”

“No, it’s okay.”

Lauren exhaled loudly again. “I feel terrible though. I would never, ever encourage such foul language to come from my son’s lips. I absolutely adore Melanie and Lindsay, and I adore Gus and I want you to know that you can trust him with me and John. I will definitely be having a long talk with my ex, though.”

Brian tried to smile but couldn’t. “I appreciate that. And I’m really sorry about the mix-up.”

“Oh don’t be. I understand your concern. It’s hard enough being a parent these days, you know?”

Brian nodded and finally allowed himself to smile at her, to genuinely like the woman. For a fleeting moment, he felt that he could love her. It was moments like this that reminded him that they’re not all bad.


	6. Sunday Morning

At a quarter past ten on Sunday morning, the sky was gray, and a light drizzle was falling. Brian saw this from the large loft window as he pulled on a shirt. He glanced over at his son, who was sitting on the couch, and Gus’s demeanor matched the weather.

“Get your shoes on, Sonny Boy. We’re about to go.”

Gus sighed loudly, emphatically to express his annoyance with Brian didn’t know what. Justin walked up behind him, rested his hand on his back, and rubbed the area affectionately.

“Ready to go?”

“Just about,” he said, his eyes never leaving a very sullen Gus. “You got all your stuff, Gus?”

The child shrugged and plopped back down onto the couch to put on his shoes. “I guess.”

“I’ll do a quick idiot check,” Justin offered.

“Are you calling my son an idiot?” Brian teased, pinching Justin’s ass as he walked away to check the loft for any possible forgotten items. Once the blonde had busied himself with looking, Brian walked to his desk and took his phone of its charger. When he turned around, he saw Gus, who had walked up behind him. On his face was a look of disappointment that wasn’t quite a pout.

“What is wrong with you?” Brian asked, not irritated, just concerned. “You’ve been like this all morning.”

In response to his father’s question, Gus stretched out his arms and wrapped them around Brian’s slim, muscular waist. Resting his head just below Brian’s chest, Gus waited for him to reciprocate the hug, which, of course, he did.

It suddenly came to him, and Brian realized that he should have known what exactly had caused Gus’s foul mood. He always became ill-natured and randomly affectionate just before leaving after spending time staying over at Brian and Justin’s. Maybe Brian just assumed that since Gus was getting older, things would be different. But he had to remind himself that Gus still wasn’t all that old. In fact- thank God- he was still very, very young.

“I wish that you could come live with me and Mommy and Mom and Jenny,” Gus suddenly said. This was new.

“I think it would get a bit crowded if Justin and I were to move in, Sonny Boy,” Brian explained, not sure of any other excuse he could give.

“We wouldn’t mind. You could stay in my room,” Gus offered, sounding desperate.

Brian got down on his knees so that he could be at Gus’s level. “Gus, I don’t know if you can understand this right now, but there’s never going to be a situation where I’m living with you. And it’s not that I don’t love you, because I do love you all very much, as does Justin. It’s just that, it just can’t work that way. Our lives aren’t that way.”

“It’s not fair,” Gus complained, looking as though he might cry; he was obviously holding back tears. “Everybody else’s mom AND dad lives with them.”

Brian’s heart ached for his son. He wished he could say that he would do anything for his boy, and Gus didn’t ask for much. But Brian couldn’t do this. He could be straight for his son. He couldn’t lead a “normal” life for Gus. And at this point, he could offer Gus no real consolation; he could only hope that when he was older, Gus would understand.

“My sweet boy,” Brian cooed, taking Gus back into his arms as Justin walked up behind them.

“I didn’t find anything else,” Justin said sheepishly, realizing a bit too late that he was intruding on a very intimate moment. Brian said nothing and buried his face in his child’s shoulder to hide tears of his own that were threatening to fall.

~*~

Holding open the door, Brian watched his son and lover enter the diner, then followed them inside. Michael and Ben were already there with Jenny, who was sitting in Hunter’s lap. Emmett was at the table adjacent to theirs, going on about nothing in particular. Justin took a seat next to Emmett, and Brian and Gus sat across from them.

“Well good morning,” Emmett greeted them, chipper as ever. “And how are we today?” He asked, directing the question mostly at Gus.

“Okay,” Gus answered. He was better than before, but still in a rather dreary mood.

“I can see that,” Emmett said, raising his brow at Brian, who rolled his eyes.

“Where’s Simon?” Justin asked, surprised not to see Emmett’s boyfriend sitting at the table with him.

“Working,” Emmett explained with a sigh, “my boyfriend, you know, the doctor.”

“We know,” Justin and Michael said in unison. Ben and Hunter laughed while Emmett’s cheeks flushed a shade of pink.

“But I’m glad to see you finally got that procedure done,” Brian said.

Emmett didn’t understand. “What procedure?”

“The one that separated you and Simon at the hip.” While Brian laughed, Emmett grabbed a packet of sugar and pegged it at his face, missing by miles. “Damn.”

“Did you honestly think that you could get him?” Justin asked.

Emmett shook his head and smiled. “Not a chance. I could throw a rock at the ground and miss...”

“Hey! Deb!” Brian called out to the faux-red headed waitress behind the counter. “Coffee?”

Debbie rolled her eyes and chomped on her gum before marching over to Brian with a pot of coffee in her right hand. The other was fixed on her hip. The minute she saw Gus sitting quietly next to his father, her demeanor changed. A large smile spread across her face as she absently poured coffee into Brian’s cup.

“Morning, Sweetie.”

Gus, unable to resist her, smiled. “Hi, Nana.”

Gus had gotten into the habit of calling Debbie ‘Nana’ after the birth of Jenny. He figured that if his moms referred to her as ‘Nana’ whenever she was around the baby, it only made sense that she was his Nana too. Deb, of course, didn’t mind at all. Even Brian respected and encouraged this title of hers for his son. After all, she was for all intents and purposed his real mom.

“So how are we all doing this morning?” She asked the table.

“Fabulous as usual,” Emmett said, tapping his coffee cup, which Debbie filled immediately.

“The weather’s nothing to be so happy about,” Justin said in almost a whine.

“Well, you know what they say, ‘April showers’ and all that.”

“Deb, it’s May,” Justin informed her.

“Well, you’re all the sunshine I need, Honey,” she said, pinching his cheeks. Justin couldn’t help but smile boyishly at the use of his pet name. After taking orders, she went to Michael and Ben’s table to refill coffee cups. Seeing Hunter sitting there, she gave him a smack on the back of his head.

“Deb!”

“What are doing still sitting here?”

Hunter rolled his eyes. “Enjoying the company of my family,” he explained with forced enthusiasm.

“How sweet. Now why don’t you get off your tight little bubble butt and get back to work. These tables won’t bus themselves.”

Hunter moved Jenny from his lap and practically stomped back to work. After Justin had quit working at the diner, a position opened up that Ben and Michael agreed would be an excellent opportunity for Hunter. He would experience working an honest, on-the-books job, not to mention make extra spending money. What was initially intended to be a temporary learning experience turned into a long-term part-time job that Hunter held on to as he went to school at the University of Pittsburgh.

On his way to walking behind the counter, Hunter passed by Lindsay, Melanie, and Ted as they entered the diner. They waved a brief hello before going to where their odd, not so little, family unit was sitting. Jenny hopped from her seat and stretched out her arms to be picked up by Lindsay, who happily obliged. Melanie kissed her daughter’s chubby cheeks while brushing a few strands of hair from her eyes.

“Hey, Sweetheart,” Melanie cooed as Lindsay passed Jenny into her arms. “How’s my girl? Did you have a nice time with Daddy and Uncle Ben?”

She nodded excitedly before resting her head on her mother’s shoulder.

“And how was your weekend?” Justin asked Lindsay as he and Emmett scooted over, making room for her.

“Fantastic,” she said. “But of course, I missed my babies.”

“I’m not a baby,” Gus insisted, “and I was only gone for, like, two days.”

Lindsay raised her brow at Brian. “What’s gotten into him?”

“You know how he gets,” Brian said with a shrug. “And don’t talk to your mother like that.”

Petulantly, Gus crossed his arms. “Fine.”

Brian rolled his eyes. “So, are you gonna get anything to eat?” He asked.

Lindsay shook her head. “Nah, Mel and I did breakfast in bed.”

“I’ll bed you did,” Emmett said, suggestively wiggling his brow.

Lindsay blushed. “Anyway, we’re just here to pick up the kids once they finish their meals.”

Disappointed that his weekend with his father was coming to an end, Gus tightened his crossed arms and sighed loudly. Brian, troubled by Gus’s upset, wrapped an arm around his son.

“Hey, Sonny Boy, did I happen to mention that I can make it to your soccer game on Tuesday?”

Looking up excitedly, Gus shook his head. “You can?”

‘Now I can,’ Brian thought. “Yeah, I’ll be there. And afterward, maybe we can all go out for ice cream.”

This brought a smile to Gus’s face, as well as Justin’s. Considering the circumstances that his lover grew up in, his innate fatherly instincts took over whenever he was around Gus. Though Brian would never admit it, he was amazing father. Justin watched the love that Brian had for his son, the affection, the fact that he would do anything for his child, and it made him love him more than he thought was possible.

After breakfast, Brian helped bring Gus’s things from his car to Mel and Linds’s, and waved as they drove off. He was left standing with Justin, Michael, and Ben outside of the Liberty diner.

“Hey Brian?” Michael asked, once the car was out of sight.

“Yeah, Mikey?”

“Have you given it anymore thought?”

Brian didn’t have to ask what ‘it’ was as Justin stifled a laugh. “Yes,” he groaned.

“And?” Justin said as both he and Michael looked expectantly at Brian.

“And...” Brian wanted so badly to just say no. It was so easy, one tiny little word. But the eager looks on the faces of his boyfriend and his best friend made him cave.

“Fine, I’ll go,” he said reluctantly, and though he would never admit it, he got more kinds of pleasure from the smile that spread across Justin’s beautiful features than anyone could ever know.  



	7. High School Reunion

“Fucking hell, Justin. Why am I doing this again?”

Standing outside of the hotel where the reunion was being held, Justin fixed Brian’s tie and explained once again. “Because it’ll be a fun experience, it means a lot to Michael, and besides, you got to see me as an obnoxious high-schooler, I wanna get to know what you were like at seventeen.”

“Well, I was exactly the same but with less wrinkles,” Brian said bitterly.

“You do not have wrinkles,” Justin insisted, running his fingers over Brain’s cheek. “And I have a feeling you’re not exactly the same. You’re not the same man I met that night on Liberty Avenue.”

“Isn’t that the truth,” Brian said, wrapping his arm around Justin’s shoulder. “Come on, the sooner we go in the sooner we can leave.”

“Well with that attitude-”

“Justin,” Brian interrupted, “I dare you to finish that sentence.” Justin made a zipping motion across his lips and threw away the key. “Much better. Now let’s just do this.”

Upon entering the hotel lobby, Justin flashed, as he sometimes did, to his last high school event. He closed his eyes in an attempt to blink away the image of a bat flying toward his face. His grip around Brian’s waist tightened as if he needed the support to keep standing. He hated that, because in a way, this made Brian right. Had his prom night affected him so deeply that eight years later he was freaking out? And over what? Maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea.

“You all right?” Brian asked, his voice thick with concern as he noticed Justin’s sudden staggering.

Justin nodded a bit too forcefully. “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.” ‘I’m not some fucking little faggot,’ he thought. “Is that Ben?”

It was. The handsome professor was standing alone just outside the entrance to the ballroom where the event was being held. He looked a bit lost, mostly because he was trying to look like he wasn’t. When Ben saw Brian and Justin enter, he waved as they approached him.

“Hey,” Brian said, smirking. “Where’s your other half?”

“Bathroom,” Ben informed them. “Did you just get here?”

“Yeah,” Justin said. “Just now.”

“Same here.”

Ben neglected to say whatever was on the tip of his tongue when he saw Michael walking toward them. Justin turned around to see what Ben was staring at over his head, and it was only Michael. But Michael was looking hot. Who knew formal wear could do such things to a man? Justin raised his brow and pressed his lips together as he watched Brian wrap his arm around his best friend.

“Well, well, well,” he said, “don’t we clean up nicely?”

Michael gave Brian a playful shove. “Fuck you,” he said, smiling.

“I’m just glad to see that my influence has finally rubbed off on you.”

“The only rubbing you’ll be doing tonight is on Justin.”

Putting his hands up mock-defensively, Justin said, “don’t drag me into this.”

“I’ll drag you wherever I want,” Brian told him. “You dragged me here.”

“Oh don’t be such a stick in the mud,” Michael said, “I think you’d be surprised at how much fun you could have.”

“It would be surprising,” Brian agreed.

“All right, enough talk about going,” Ben insisted. “Why don’t we actually go in now?”

Following Ben’s lead, Michael, Brian, and Justin entered the ballroom. Brian had to stifle a laugh when he saw the decorations. Before he could say a word, Justin said it for him.

“It looks like a Madonna video exploded in here.”

This comment pushed all four men over the edge as they burst out laughing. The room looked as if the decorators were trying to remake Michael and Brian’s prom, or at least the dance from ‘Sixteen Candles.’ Also posted up around the room were pictures from their high school year book. Vaguely familiar faces smiled at them beneath horrendous hairdos.

“I never ironed my hair,” Brian informed them. “I knew better. I think it was my innate gayness that led me on the path of good hair management.”

Justin reached up and ran his fingers through Brian’s soft brown hair. “Mm hm.”

“Oh my God!” Michael suddenly squealed to Ben, pointing at a woman standing beneath a picture of two boys making peace signs. “That’s my old friend Angie! Come on, I wanna show you off.”

Grabbing Ben’s hand, Michael gave Brian and Justin a distracted wave and led him to Angie, who squealed much the way Michael had and embraced him warmly. Deciding that he didn’t want to see the sentimental bullshit about to ensue, Brian looked away and headed toward the bar.

“Come on, I need a drink.”

Justin followed Brian until they both heard, “Kinney? Brian Kinney?”

Bracing himself, Brian turned around and saw a woman latched on to the arm of the man who had addressed him. Both looked extremely familiar.

“Yeah?”

“Brian, it’s me. Matthew Greyson. We-”

“Played varsity soccer together, I remember.” Brian shocked himself by how emotional he already felt himself becoming. It was still, however, an emotion far from nostalgia.

“Holy shit!”

“I know, I know. It’s been...”

“Twenty years.”

Matthew nodded and smiled. “Yeah. Wow, man.”

There were a few moments of stunned silence when the woman addressed Brian. “And I don’t know if you remember me but-”

“Wait, don’t tell me,” Brian said, caught up in the moment. “Rebecca, right? Rebecca Sommers?”

“Well, Rebecca Greyson now,” she said with a laugh.

“Wow. I didn’t know you two dated in high school.”

“We didn’t, we hated each other,” Rebecca explained. “It’s funny, actually. We met up at our tenth reunion and... we’re about to be celebrating out eight wedding anniversary.”

“Congrats.”

“Thanks.”

Justin cleared his throat in a blatant attempt to be invited into the conversation. Rebecca was the first to acknowledge the hint. “And who’s this.”

“This is my partner, Justin Taylor. Justin, Matt and Rebecca.”

As Rebecca shook Justin’s hand, Matthew looked like he just didn’t get it. “Partner?”

“You know,” Brian said, trying to think of a way to somehow simplify it. “My partner. Boyfriend. Uh... oh God, significant other.”

Justin laughed as Matthew still looked somewhat confused. “You’re gay?”

“It would appear that way.”

“You mean you didn’t know?” Rebecca asked her husband, smiling at Brian, who returned the gesture.

“I guess not.”

Rebecca rolled her eyes as she addressed Brian’s young lover. “So Justin, do you still go to Allegheny High?” She asked, taking a less than funny stab at the obvious difference in Brian and Justin’s ages.

In an attempt to be polite, he choked an insincere laugh. “No.”

“So, Matt, what is it you do now?” Brian asked, changing the very touchy subject.

“I’m a lawyer, work at a firm in Philly. How about you?”

“I have my own ad agency. Kinnetik.”

“That’s you?” Rebecca asked with a laugh. “I should’ve figured it out, I suppose. I work for Eyeconic optics. Not in the marketing department, but, what a small world. The most recent artwork for the new ads has been absolutely fantastic.”

“Well, you can thank Justin for that,” Brian told them proudly. “He works in my art department.”

“Oh. Is that how you two met?” Rebecca asked.

“Actually, no,” Brian informed her. “We met outside of a club almost nine years ago. When Justin was seventeen,” Brian made sure to add the last bit for shock value and his own pleasure in the reaction. Justin blushed at Brian’s blatant gesture.

“Really?” Rebecca said while Matthew merely stared. The woman took a long sip of her wine, wondering what kind of conversation she might be getting herself into. “You always were quite the stud.”

“You’re an artist then?” Matthew asked Justin, not wanting to go in that direction. “And you work for Brian?”

Justin nodded. “I do.”

“After much vigorous begging and negotiating,” Brian added, and Justin gave him a coy smile.

Brian was in no way exaggerating. After finishing the ‘Rage’ movie and graduating from PIFA, Justin went looking for work. Brian, knowing that Justin was hugely talented and had plenty of practical and professional experience, offered him a job in the art department of Kinnetik. When Justin arrived at the office and sat down to the meeting Brian had scheduled, Justin outright refused the offer.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Justin said, crossing his arms and choking a short, incredulous laugh.

Brian’s face was stone. “Kidding? Why would I be kidding?”

“Do you remember what happened the first time I worked for you? Besides, Brian, I don’t need your charity.”

“Come now, Justin, you know how I detest charity,” Brian said with a smile that Justin found hard to resist. “But really, I’m offering you this job because you’re unbelievably talented, and I could use someone like you here at Kinnetik.”

Justin laughed despite himself at Brian’s choice of words. He was talking to his lover as if he were a real prospective employee. That was until he added, “besides, I know you’re looking for work.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “I don’t need you for this, Brian. I appreciate the offer but I can find work on my own. I really need to find a job on my own, prove to myself that I can do this.”

Brian smiled and nodded. He had taught Justin well. “I respect that,” Brian told him, trying not to let on that he was rather disappointed. It was true that he admired Justin’s decision, the desire to take care of himself and make his own way, without having to take off his clothes, that is. It was also true that he wanted Justin working for him. The kind of talent Justin had was hard, almost impossible, to find; however, not wanting to disrespect his need to take care of himself, Brian didn’t press the matter further.

Fifteen months and two underpaying jobs for which Justin was overqualified later, Brian couldn’t help but pity his partner’s struggle. Justin knew as well as Brian that he was unappreciated at the agency he was working for, but remained stoic as always.

It was a particularly cold day in November when Justin entered Brian’s office at a quarter to six. Brian was sitting on the couch, reading through a few contracts when he saw Justin walking in, his cheeks bright pink from the cold and his hands buried and his coat pockets. A black wool cap was pulled snugly over his head so that tufts of blond hair were poking through the bottom. Brian would never admit it, but his boyfriend looked absolutely adorable.

“Did I know you were coming?” Brian asked.

Justin shook his head and shrugged. “No. Just… felt like stopping by.”

This usually meant that Justin had been having a particularly bad day. “Rough day and work?” Brian said this with as little pity as possible, but it bothered him to see Justin being so poorly treated. He got up from the couch and stood next to Justin.

“How’d you guess?” he asked sarcastically, taking a hand from his pocket and pulling off his hat. A few stands of blonde hair stood on end from the static, and Brian licked his palm and brushed them down. Justin couldn’t help but laugh.

“Look,” Brian said, glancing around his office, “I have a few things I need to finish up, but they shouldn’t take more than twenty minutes. Why don’t you grab yourself a cup of coffee, have a seat, and then there’s this new restaurant that I’ve been meaning to try. A possible place to take clients, thought I’d test it out on you.”

It bothered Justin how Brian’s being nice had to be disguised by some ulterior motive. But who was Justin to say no to what one might even consider a date?

“That’s sounds good.”

“Good,” Brian said, pressing his palms against Justin’s flushed cheeks, warming the flesh. He gave his lover’s chapped lips a quick kiss before getting back to work.

At dinner, Justin did little more than play with his food and pout. Brian hated seeing Justin behaving so pitifully almost as much as he hated watching Justin be miserable. The usual glow that emanated from the youth was quickly and steadily burning out.

“Another glass of wine?” Brian asked, trying to end the awkward silence that had come between them.

Justin looked up, obviously lost in his thoughts. “Huh?”

“I said do you want more wine? But from the looks of it, you need something a bit harder.”

Justin shrugged. “I’m not in the mood.”

“Since when are you not in the mood for something... hard?”

“Fuck off.”

“Work that bad, huh?”

Getting angrier with every word, Justin was on the brink of snapping. “Could we not talk about this?”

“Fine, fine, I’ll talk about my wonderful day at work then.”

Justin narrowed his eyes. “If you must.”

“Well, for starters I fired someone, which didn’t give me the pleasure that it normally does.”

“Oh? Why’s that, you sadistic prick?” Justin added the last three words with the hint of a smile.

“Well, when I hired him to my art department, the kid neglected to mention that he was lazy, untalented, unqualified, and had no respect for deadlines whatsoever. The first time he slipped up with that, I figured, okay, he’s new, under pressure. Whatever. Today, he almost lost me my account.”

“So what did you do?” Justin asked, taking an interest in the story.

“Well, after firing the bastard’s ass, I got one of my other artists to finish up the work. I was a little late but that’s hardly the worst part.”

“No?”

“The worst part is I’m now a man short on a huge campaign for a new clothing line that, with my help, is gonna be huge and not to mention, extremely profitable.” Brian wanted to be as subtle as possible with the next bit, but found that subtlety was nearly impossible. He decided it would be better to just go for the more straightforward approach.

“So now the question is, where the fuck am I supposed to find someone good enough to work on this project on such short notice?”

“Brian...” Justin said in such a way that implied that Brian may have crossed a line.

Brian rolled his eyes and decided to simply throw in the towel now. “I know, I know. You want to-”

“Take the job.”

Brian stopped mid-sentence. “Excuse me?”

“I want to work for Kinnetik.”

“You do, do you? Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Because I deserve it. I know you wouldn’t give me a job just to give it to me. I deserve to work at an agency as prestigious as Kinnetik. I’m fucking talented and it’s about time that talent got put to good use.”

“Good thing you’ve retained your modestly,” Brian said quietly, warranting a playful kick from Justin. “Besides, how do you know I’d even give you the job?”

“What? And pass up an chance like this?”

Brian smiled. He loved confidant Justin, strong and in control Justin. Extending his hand, he said, “glad to have you on board, Mr. Taylor.”

Justin took Brian’s hand and shook it firmly. “A pleasure to be working with you, Mr. Kinney. And I appreciate the opportunity.”

As Justin told some version of this to Matthew and Rebecca, Brian stole a glance across the room at Michael and Ben. Michael had his wallet out, undoubtedly showing pictures of Jenny and Hunter. Brian could tell from the proud look on his face; he could hear the words in his head:

“We got Hunter just after his sixteenth birthday. He had a really troubled childhood, but now he’s totally turned himself around. Now he’s studying to become a social worker at the University of Pittsburgh. And Jenny, she just turned five, is going into kindergarten this fall, and already her pre-K teachers are saying she’s extremely advanced...”

Brian loved hearing Michael’s gushing over his kids. He had an ability to, without bragging, make other people, complete strangers even, proud of accomplishments that his son and daughter had made. Brian didn’t even realize that he was smiling.

“So now I’ve been working there for about two years,” Justin finished.

“And how’s that going for you?” Rebecca asked, already somewhat sure of the answer.

“Yeah, Justin,” Brian said, reentering the conversation, “how is that comfy little job working out for you?”

“It’s fantastic. I mean, I love what I do, and though it can be difficult sometimes, there’s the added benefits of working with the love of your life.”

“With?” Brian inquired. “Don’t you mean working for?”

“I like to let you think that,” Justin said with a cocky smirk, and Brian merely raised his brow.

“So, do you two have any children?” Rebecca asked, interrupting Brian and Justin’s banter for two.

“Well... technically no,” Justin said.

“Technically?”

“I have a son,” Brian attempted to explain. “I donated sperm for my lesbian friend, and she and her wife are raising him. I’m still... you know, the dad.”

Matthew and Rebecca looked as though they weren’t sure what to make of this bit of information. Brian’s old teammate tried to act as though he had heard such stories a thousand times before. Smiling, he nodded like it was nothing new and gave his wife a knowing glance.

“So I take it you don’t have any children together then?”

Brian shook his head. “I was not made for full time parenting. But Gus stays every few weekends with me and Justin.”

Brian suddenly felt like he was sharing too much, giving a bit too much of his life away to people he hadn’t seen in twenty years. What business was it of theirs how he lived his life, or how he and Justin had met, or that he had given cum to a friend so that she could have a kid? Why did they need to know how often Gus stayed with him? It made him feel vulnerable to these people, these strangers.

“So, you two have any kids?” Brian asked, feigning an interest, desperate to get off of himself as the topic of conversation.

“Yes,” Rebecca said excitedly, as if she had been waiting all night for this question. “Our oldest, Lana is almost seven, and Tommy is three. Here,” she said, pulling out a portrait of the children from her wallet, “these are them.”

Once Justin was looking over the picture with a smile, telling Matthew how much his children looked like him, Rebecca watched Brian expectantly. It took him a moment to realize that she was waiting for him to whip out a picture off his own. Reluctantly, he pulled out his wallet, and handed her the picture of Gus and Jenny that Mel and Lindz had sent him in his Christmas card.

“My God,” Rebecca said with a sigh, “he’s you. I mean... he looks just like you.”

Brian smiled proudly. “So I’ve been told.”

“Who’s this?” Matthew asked, pointing at the little girl beaming at the camera. “She’s gorgeous.”

“That’s his sister,” he said, and added a bit too quickly in response to the couple’s questioning stare, “it’s a long story. She’s not mine.”

They accepted this easily, obviously having had enough of Brian’s complicated stories for one night. Since they had nothing to say in response, it seemed as though they had run out of things to say. Brian hated silence, and decided it was about damn time he excused himself from this conversation.

“It’s been so nice seeing you again,” he said, surprising even himself with how false that statement didn’t sound. “But I think I’m gonna step outside for a smoke.”

Rebecca nodded understandingly. “Yeah, you too.”

After a quick shaking of hands and kissing of select cheeks, Brian rushed outside and stepped into the still cool May air. A slight breeze blew hair into his eyes, which he brushed out of the way with one hand and grabbed for his cigarettes with the other. Justin noticed how anxious he was to get the cigarette into his mouth as he pulled out a light and held it up for Brian.

“You okay?” He asked, running his hand through the back of Brian’s hair to the base of his neck.

Brian nodded a bit too forcefully. “Yeah. Peachy.”

“So why the big rush to get outta there?”

“Just needed a fag,” Brian said with a shrug and took another drag. The feeling of the smoke passing over his tongue, down his throat and into his lungs was wonderfully calming. There were very few things that Brian depended on in the world, two of them were right beside him.

“It’s just weird, seeing these people again. Remembering that I’m different, that I hated being different, because it made them all such fucking hypocrites.”

“What do you mean?” Justin asked, pulling the cigarette from Brian’s lips and drawing the smoke into his mouth.

“I mean, I remember my first day of high school. I was a new kid in a district where everyone had been together since kindergarten. I was an outsider, you know?”

“Yeah,” Justin nodded, “I know.”

“That’s why I was so drawn to Mikey. The first time I ever saw him was when some senior shoved him into a locker and called him a fag. That’s when I knew we’d be together forever.”

Justin smiled. “I still don’t get how that makes them hypocrites.”

“Because I’m as much a fag as Mikey, probably more so considering he didn’t have his first fuck until well after graduation. But I was liked, I was popular and for what? Nothing that mattered. One of my own goddamn teammates to this day didn’t know I was queer. And maybe he pretends like he doesn’t care now, but twenty years later, I know what he thought of. He thought of all the times we were in the locker room together, and if I was staring at his ass, or his cock, or-”

“Brian, you’re rambling.”

He shook his head. “This is why I didn’t want to come. I didn’t want to have to be reminded.”

Justin felt pangs of guilt for this. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, I’m still glad I came. Because now I know.”

“Know what?”

“I’m not so different. I have what they have. A career like them, a beautiful kid with his picture in my wallet like them, a wife-” Justin cocked his brow at this- “so to speak. But my life, for all the bullshit and exclusion and inclusion, we ended up the same. And there’s something oddly comforting about that, you know?”

Justin didn’t answer, he simply stared at Brian and smiled.

“What?”

“I just love the way you think. I love that you’re telling me this.”

Brian planted his tongue in his cheek. “Okay...”

Justin wrapped his arm around Brian’s waist and tugged him in the direction of the parking lot. “Come on, let’s get the fuck outta here.”

“Actually, I think I’d like to go back for a little while,” he said, dropping his cigarette onto the pavement and putting it out with his toe.

“Really? Why’s that?”

“Because...” Brian explained, “I wanna parade you around some more.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” Brian affirmed, tightening his grip around his lover’s waist. “What’s the point of having the hottest ass in the room if you can’t show him off?”

Justin choked a laugh. “See? I love the way you think.”  



	8. The Offer of a Lifetime

“Oh God, I didn’t think I’d be this nervous.”

Melanie stopped setting the table so that she could focus on staring at her anxious wife. “What do you have to be nervous about?”

Lindsay shrugged. “I don’t know, that’s the thing. It’s not like we haven’t done this before. And it’s not like I have a single question or doubt. It’s just that, this is so huge for him.”

Melanie smiled. “I know it is. And once we put it out there, it’s not up to us anymore. It’s up to-”

“I know, I know,” Lindsay said with a dismissive swaying of her hand. “I just, I feel like we’ll be catching him... both of them off guard. I mean, doesn’t this feel out of the blue to you?”

“Not at all,” Melanie told her, snaking her arm around Lindsay’s neck and pulling her close.

“I feel like I should be calmer, calmer than this,” Lindsay explained and exhaled a rattling breath.

“Sweetie, we’re practically experts at this point. After all this shit that- the worst that’ll happen is he’ll say no, and that’ll be that.”

“And then what?”

“Then plan B. That’s all.”

Lindsay sighed and rested her forehead against Melanie’s. “How do you do it? How do you always maintain such composure.”

“Long arduous hours of practice,” the lawyer explained surely. Lindsay giggled and kissed her lips gently when the doorbell rang.

“The moment of truth.”

“Right,” Melanie agreed. “But first, we brunch.”

Melanie and Lindsay watched their children racing to answer the door. Gus, as usual, won. He had the longer legs and coordination to beat his sister every time. Jenny looked as though she might have a fit, but forgot it as soon as Gus swung the door open.

“Daddy!” Gus threw his arms around his father’s neck and held on tightly as Brian lifted him off the ground. Jenny and Justin watched silently until the children’s mothers came to the door.

“Hey guys,” Melanie greeted them, “come on in.”

Brunch was pleasant as usual. Justin and Brian had made a habit of coming over one Sunday a month for bagels and fruit salad and light conversation. Much of the conversation this particular Sunday pertained to Gus’s summer plans as he was about to go into his last week of school. Once everyone had finished eating, and Lindsay felt as though her stomach might tie itself into a knot, she and her wife asked for a few minutes of privacy from their children.

“Gus, could you take your sister upstairs. Mom and I need to talk to Dad and Justin alone, please.”

Gus looked from Lindsay to Brian and back to Lindsay. “Is Daddy in trouble?”

“Yeah,” Brian said skeptically, “am I in trouble?”

“No,” Melanie answered. “You’re Dad is not in trouble. For once.”

Gus sighed and took Jenny’s hand to lead her to the playroom. “Okay,” he said, drawing out the last syllable to demonstrate his annoyance.

“He is definitely your son,” Brian said to Melanie, warranting narrowed eyes. After a moment of this, however, she laughed despite herself.

“Though I hate to admit it, that is definitely a Kinney look.”

Brian shrugged. “All right. So what’d I do this time? Or what do I owe?”

“Nothing and nothing,” Lindsay said with an exasperated sigh. “Actually, Mel and I had something we wanted to tell you.”

Brian could feel his stomach sinking as he knew what she was about to say. “Oh?”

“We’re going to have another baby,” Mel said, a smile spreading from cheek to cheek.

“Oh. Wow.”

Justin, unable to comprehend Brian’s sudden mood, took on all of the excitement for himself. “That’s great you guys!”

“Who’s carrying?”

Lindsay smiled. “It’s my turn again.”

“Uh huh.”

Brian felt Justin’s eyes on him, questioning eyes. Asking how he could be so flippant. The truth was, he knew what was coming next, he knew that he was going to be expected to be the father. He had promised Lindsay years ago that if ever she needed a donor, he would do it for her. No questions asked. But that was a long time ago. Truth be told, Brian didn’t want another kid that was his, even if he didn’t have to raise it. He didn’t feel like starting from scratch again. He wasn’t prepared to do that, and he wasn’t sure if he ever would be again.

But a promise is a promise. And Brian always kept his promises.

“So, I’m assuming that you’re telling me this now because you want a cup o’ Kinney cum.”

“Actually,” Mel said, her eyes travelling from Brian’s to the man’s sitting next to him, “we were hoping that this time around, that is if he wanted-”

“Justin,” Lindsay said, actually addressing the young man sitting in front of her, “we’d like for you to be the father.”

Until the words actually escaped the woman’s lips, Justin couldn’t believe it. Now that they had, he wasn’t sure if he had heard correctly. Him? A father? Was she serious?

“Me?” He choked weakly, completely caught off guard as Lindsay had feared he might be.

“Yes you,” Melanie affirmed. “You don’t have to answer right away.”

“We thought you might want to talk it over first, or think it over, whatever.”

“Talk it over?” Justin asked, still in shock.

“With Brian,” Lindsay explained, Melanie rolled her eyes.

“What would I have to say about it?” Brian questioned, feeling an intense relief.

“Look, the point is, we’d like for Justin to be the father of Lindsay and my next and final child. But please, if you don’t want to or don’t feel comfortable, we understand.”

“Absolutely,” Lindsay agreed. “We don’t want you to say yet unless you’re sure and-”

Justin stopped listening. He couldn’t listen anymore. He couldn’t even think with someone talking at him.

“I’m gonna have to got back to you,” he said, not realizing that Lindsay was mid-sentence.

She stopped and smiled. “Of course.”

“I think we should say bye to the kids and get going,” Brian said, seeing the almost tangible buzzing in Justin’s head.

Melanie and Lindsay both nodded understandingly. “Yeah, probably right.”

Taking Justin’s hand and leading him from the table, Brian could see that his lover was in another place. His stare was vacant as was his distracted tone when he said goodbye to Jenny and Gus. He almost forgot to say anything at all to Melanie and Lindsay before leaving the house.

“Justin!”

He whipped around, eyes wide. “Huh? Oh, sorry,” he said, backtracking to give each of the women a hug.

Lindsay wrapped her arms a bit tighter than usual around Justin, and she whispered in his ear, “we understand if the answer is no.”

As he pulled back, a bit shocked by this statement, Lindsay smiled at Justin. “Just let us know, ‘kay?”

Justin nodded and smiled back. “I will. Soon, I promise.”

“We know,” Melanie said, cupping his cheek in her hand. “We’ve always been able to count on you.”

Justin pressed his lips together and turned up the corners into a nervous grin. He wanted to say something more, he thought that he should. That it would be appropriate. But no words would form, or pass over the threshold of his lips. He merely turned and left without another sound, and Brian followed.  



	9. Fatherhood

The car ride home was silent. Brian wanted so badly to laugh, just to laugh to rid themselves of the quiet. Not to mention because of the blatant contrast between Justin’s reaction to being asked to be a father and Brian’s reaction to being asked to be a donor.

The first time, the time that he actually came through, Mel and Linds has set it up much as they had that morning. Lindsay told him that they wanted and were ready to have a baby and that she, not her and Mel, she wanted him to be the father. Mel sat silently, watching her lover speak, and looked disappointed when Brian answered that yes, he would be happy to share a cup of his cum.

And until the night that Gus was born, that’s all he thought it was. A donation. His charitable act for the year- maybe two. He was helping out a friend because when it came to Lindsay, he’d do just about anything. Then there was the added bonus of pissing off Mel, of knowing that he and Lindsay would always have something that she and Lindsay never could.

Brian hated himself a little bit for this once Gus was born. He didn’t want to have to tell that perfect little baby boy who he was holding in his arms that he had been conceived out of spite. As it turned out, Gus was the most important, beautiful thing to ever come out of one of Brian’s orgasms. For Brian, that was saying a lot.

That’s why he wished he could laugh to break the silence. Watching Justin’s blank staring out of the window, he could only imagine what must be going through his head. Because for Justin, unlike Brian, this was about becoming a father.

When they entered the loft, Justin walked to the couch and fell onto it as Brian tossed his keys onto the counter. He debated whether it would be a good idea to sit with Justin, maybe he just wanted time to be alone and think this through. Brian figured there was no harm in testing the waters, so he went to the couch and sat on the opposite end, facing his younger lover.

“Everything okay up there?” Brian asked, tapping one of his own temples.

Justin smiled and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, just thinking.”

“Never would’ve guessed.”

“This is... I mean, this is huge.”

Brian nodded. “It is. Nothing huger.”

“That helps.”

“Sorry.”

“No... it’s just that... me? A father? I just never saw that in the cards for me, you know?”

“You?” Brian asked, smirking and raising his brow.

Justin choked a laugh. “It’s true. I mean, if you can do it...”

“My point exactly.”

“But I’m also not sure that I’m ready. I’m only twenty-six, that’s pretty young to be a parent, don’t you think?”

Brian shrugged. “Not really. You’ve always been more mature than the average person your age. If you’re worried about that, I’d say don’t be.”

“If you really think so...”

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

Justin half-smiled. “I know. Besides, when else am I gonna get this opportunity, right? It’s not like lesbians are lining up around the corner asking me for my sperm.”

Brian and Justin were silent for a few moments before Justin spoke again. “Did you just get a really weird mental image?”

“Frightening would’ve been more the word I was looking for. I mean, a whole fucking block of lesbians...”

The young artist laughed, his smile wide and bright and contagious. Leaning toward Justin, Brian tugged on his shirt so that he would crawl forward and be lying on Brian’s chest. He rested his chin on top of his lover’s thick blonde hair as Justin pressed his ear against Brian’s chest and listened to his heartbeat.

“I think I’m going to say yes,” Justin said, looking up so that he was staring straight into Brian’s eyes.

“Okay.”

“Okay? That’s it?”

“Well, what the hell do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me if you think it’s a good idea. No bullshit, tell me how you feel about it. You’re as much a part of this decision as I am.”

“I am?”

“Of course you are!”

“And you want to honestly know what I think?”

“Yes,” Justin answered without apprehension. He could always depend on Brian for a straightforward answer.

“I think that you will be an amazing father. You’ve practically been a second father to Gus, and if you can muster half the love for this baby that you have for him, you are going to be an fucking phenomenal dad.”

Justin propped himself up and kissed Brian’s lips tenderly. “Okay, I’m gonna do it. I’ll call them later.”

“Good,” Brian said, “glad that’s settled.”

Justin snorted a slight laugh as he rested his head back on Brian’s chest, and the older man stroked his hair.

“You know I get to name this one, right? Seeing as how you got to name Gus.”

“Oh right, and let you name my kid Butch or something?”

“I was thinking more along the lines of Brian, Jr..”

Both men burst into laughter. “Even if it’s a girl?” Justin asked through laughs that shook his body.

“Fuck right! Especially if it’s a girl.”

Justin exhaled out of his nose and held onto Brian a bit tighter. “So what now?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, should I just call them now? Let them know?”

“Do me a favor. Sleep on it. This is huge, Justin, I just want you to be sure you still want this in the morning. It’ll be a lot easier saying yes than taking it back.”

Pushing himself up, Justin sat on his knees, his legs straddled across Brian’s thighs. “Do you think I’m not making the right choice.”

“It’s not that,” Brian told him, shaking his head as he sat up and wrapped his arms around Justin’s waist. “This is so huge, what they’re asking of you. I just want to know that you’re sure about the decision you make.”

Justin pressed his forehead against Brian’s, the tips of their noses just barely touching. Brian tried to imagine Justin being a father, and in a frightening way, he found it almost as difficult as imagining his own son as a father. It was something that seemed so distant if not impossible. Justin was being given an amazing opportunity, a privilege. Being a father, as Brian had learned from Justin as well as Gus, was not something to be taken lightly.

~*~

Brian and Justin sat naked, side by side, on their bed. The “cum collection cup”- as Brian had named it- was lying beside them on the duvet. Justin exhaled a rattled breath as Brian wrapped his fingers around his lover’s erection. Startled, Justin swatted Brian’s hand away.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“What are you doing?”

“Sorry, forgot the lube,” Brian said offhandedly, reaching for the KY jelly.

“It’s not the fucking lube, asshole!”

“Then what?”

“Would you give me a second?”

“A second plus the ten minutes we’ve already been sitting here?” Brian asked with an exasperated sigh. “Why are we doing this again?”

“Because I have to donate sperm to Mel and Linds.”

“No shit. I mean, why are we doing it like this? Me and you, like this? Why couldn’t you just jerk off at the semen store?”

“Because I didn’t want to just jerk off at the sperm bank. This is too important, Brian. Besides, I want you to be a part of this. I want you to be a part of my becoming a father. I want to share this with someone who means more to me than anyone else.”

“So why didn’t you ask your mommy?” Brian said in a childish, mocking voice.

“That’s disgusting. Do you want me to lose my hard-on?”

Brian shook his head. “I just don’t get what the fuck you’re waiting for.”

“Because, I need to live this moment. I want to remember what it’s like when I do my part in creating a child. Since I’m not actually gonna be fucking Lindsay-”

“Thank God.”

“Brian!”

“Sorry, go on.”

“Since I’m not going to be directly impregnating Lindsay, this... this is all I have.”

Brian suddenly wished that he could say that he did the same for his son. Knowing now how much he loved him, he wished that he could say the moment he did his part for Gus’s conception was something special, something more than just another orgasm. Justin wanted to savor it, so Brian decided that he would make up for Gus, and savor with him.

“Take all the time you need, Sunshine.”

They sat quietly for another five minutes, their only contact was Brian’s hand massaging the back of Justin’s neck. The blonde’s eyes were closed. This was important. He was logging in his mind just how he felt at that moment with his lover’s fingers tenderly kneading the muscles in his neck.

He opened his eyed and saw Brian’s big brown ones gazing at him. “Okay. I’m ready now.”

Rather than jumping Justin as he expected, Brian kissed him. It was a long, gentle kiss. Justin closed his eyes and stored it in his memory.

“I love you, Justin.”

The artist and soon to be father opened his eyes again. Staring at Brian’s face, Justin smiled and remembered the familiar words.

“I love you, too.”  



	10. Secure in My Place

Brian took Justin’s hand and could feel it shaking. Watching the children playing on the sidewalks and birds hopping into and out of the trees, the blonde was oblivious to the world inside the car as he gazed out of the window. When stopped at a red light, Brian stared at his young lover. Justin’s lips were pressed together, set into an unusually thin line considering the fullness of his mouth. His eyes glazed over the way they always did when he was in deep thought. Brian glanced away for a moment to check the light. Still red.

“Nervous or excited?”

Justin was yanked from his reverie. “What?”

“Your hands are practically having seizures. Is it because you’re more nervous or excited?”

Closing his eyes, Justin sighed. “Excited. I think,” he said, nodding.

“You think?”

“Yeah.” He opened his eyes. “I don’t see much to be nervous about at this point. I mean, as long as the baby’s healthy.”

“Yeah, well-” Brian was cut off by a loud, long “beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!” coming from the car behind him. Looking up, he saw that the light had probably long since changed to green, and he continued on his way.

As he pulled into the parking lot of the midwife’s office, he continued. “As I was saying... I’m excited for you.”

When Brian put the car in park, Justin took off his seatbelt, leaned in, and kissed him. Brian’s hand traveled up and over the back of Justin’s hair, his fingers becoming slightly tangled in the long, blonde locks. Leaning his forehead on the bridge of Brian’s nose, Justin shook his head slightly.

“I don’t think you have any idea how much that means to me, Brian. Or just how much comfort I get from hearing you say that.”

“And knowing that,” Brian said, tucking his fingers under Justin’s chin and lifting his face to look him in the eye, “gives me more kinds of pleasure than you would think possible.”

Justin smiled and whispered, “I promise I won’t tell.”

“Thank you.”

Brian and Justin entered the waiting room; Melanie and Lindsay were already there, halfway through a women’s magazine, which they were pointing and laughing at quietly. It occurred to Brian at that moment that this was his first time ever in a midwife’s office, and God did he wish it would be his last. Wall to wall breeders with their round bellies and goofy, soon-to-be-parent grins maiming their handsome, young faces. And wasn’t that just kicking Brian while he was down? More than half of these couples were younger than he, some about as young as Justin. At least one of them didn’t feel like he was on death’s door.

“Hey, guys!” Justin chirped, trotting over to where the mother’s of his child were sitting. Melanie stood to give him a hug while Lindsay remained seated as Justin leaned in, kissing her on the forehead. Getting onto his knees in front of Lindsay, Justin placed both of his hands on her stomach.

“God, it’s three months and you’re barely even showing. I can hardly feel a bump. Are you sure you’re pregnant?”

Choking a laugh, Lindsay cooed, “patience, Justin, there’ll be plenty of time for that. I’ll be out to the wall in no time.” Though she had no doubts in her mind that her decision was the right one, Lindsay was constantly reminded of Justin’s youth and inexperience. As Melanie began to chat up the father of their child, Lindsay saw Brian out of the corner of her eye. She didn’t even know that he had planned on coming.

Standing for him, she walked up to where he still stood just beyond the threshold. His discomfort was apparent by the way his nose was wrinkled ever so slightly. She saw that face on Gus all the time.

“I didn’t realize you were coming,” she said, a hand traveling to the side his neck. “You didn’t even come when it was your son.”

Brian looked away, ashamed, caught, called out. “Well, I’m making up for it now.”

Lifting his face, Lindsay brushed her lips against his. “I’m glad you came, and I know Justin is. This means a lot to all of us.”

Brian’s mouth turned up into a half-smile; he wished something that Lindsay would say could make him hate the place less. There was nothing. But that didn’t change how he felt about being there for Justin, or Lindsay, or- fuck- even Melanie.

“It means a lot to me, too,” he finally admitted, fingers lazily tracing lines over her barely swollen belly.

“Lindsay Peterson!” The nurse called, shouting over nonexistent noise.

“That’s us,” Lindsay smiled. She’s glowing, Brian noted, it’s true what they say. He wondered if she was so radiant the first time around. Probably, he guessed, only he was too stoned to notice or to care.

The odd group of four entered the examination room; the nurse looked perplexed. “I’m sorry, I know who the mother is but...”

“We’re raising the baby,” Melanie explained as she rested a hand on Justin’s shoulder, “but this is the father.”

“All right,” the nurse said, making a few arbitrary notes. “And this is-”

She was pointing to Brian and it occurred to him, he had no clue what he was to this baby. Knowing what he was to Justin and Lindsay, and even what Justin was to him and Gus, it seemed that there was some proper place into which he fit. There was nothing, nothing definite, nothing appropriate. So, to this baby, was he just... nothing? An insignificant figure? The inessential “Uncle Brian”?

“He’s my partner.” It was a simple explanation, one accepted easily by the nurse who nodded politely and left the office. Once she had, Justin approached Brian, whispering in his ear, “my everything.”

Then Brian remembered. But how could have forgotten? He belonged there in that room as much as Mel or Justin, his young lover would make sure of that.

Half an hour later, watching wordlessly from a corner of the room, Brian enjoyed the view of Justin and Melanie’s excited “ooh’s!” and “aah’s!” Justin, his eyes wide, was pointing in disbelief at the image on the sonogram screen. He kept repeating, “that’s my baby. That’s it, that’s my baby.” Meanwhile, Melanie held Linsday’s hand, nuzzling her nose into the pregnant woman’s slightly swollen neck.

Lindsay was somewhere else. Distant, but not oblivious nor neglectful. She was in a space all her own, reflecting the luminescence emanating from within her. Sighing, she tried to acknowledge Melanie and Justin, but Brian saw that she was alone in her world. Brian had never seen anything so beautiful. Compelled by an unseen force, he stood and walk to be by her side, placing a hand carefully on a patch of ungelled stomach.

She was pulled from her reverie and looked up at him, her eyes slightly glazed and shining.

“Hey, Mom,” he said, exerting a slight pressure from the tips of his figures.

She placed a soft hand over his. “Hi, Dad.” She paused, reconsidered. “Dad One.”

Unable to help but smile, Brian curled his lips in an appreciative grin, one proud of the title of “first.”  



	11. Asylum

Justin placed the magnet with the picture of Gus and Jenny from the refrigerator over the printed sonogram image of his unborn child. Staring at it silently, Justin wore a pensive smile. He was incredulous, unable to believe that he was going to be a father. That his child, his blood, was going to become a part of this earth. He had finally accomplished something in his life that he had no doubts about. And- Brian would be proud- no regrets.

“Look,” he said, pointing to the pictures as Brian grabbed a banana from the counter. “It’s our kids.”

Brian placed his palm against the small of Justin’s back. “It’s hard to believe.”

“I know. I’m gonna be a dad.”

“You’re gonna be a dad,” Brian repeated airily, his hand travelling downward and his thumb hooking in Justin’s jeans. “It’s really real now, isn’t it?”

“And scary.” Justin leaned into Brian, who was happy to provide any needed support. “I’m terrified. Really, absolutely terrified.”

“Well, you’ve had plenty of practice on Gus, it shouldn’t be that hard.”

“This is different and you know it!”

Brian raised his brow. “Oh?”

“With Gus, it’s just fun. It’s never been about responsibility. This baby is my job.”

“No. This baby is not a job. Your job is to draw for ads and illustrate a comic. If you look at being a father as just a job, then you’re really fucked.”

“Thank you, that helps,” Justin sneered, rolling his eyes and pulling away from Brian.

“I know it sounds like a fucking shit thing to say but it’s the truth. It’s not work, Justin, it’s just love.”

Justin relaxed a bit, smiled slightly, and sighed. “I can’t believe you of all people just said that to me. It’s just love? Are you feeling all right? Should I call the doctor?”

Brian smirked. “I deserve that. But hey, I’ve learned a lot from you.”

Stepping closer, Justin put his hands on Brian’s hips. “I’m just...” He stopped. Second-guessed. Frozen.

“What? Just what? Tell me anything.”

“What if love isn’t enough, you know? What if I love it, this baby, and it doesn’t cut it?”

That question cut Brian to the core because he had asked himself that same question a thousand times. First with Gus, when he had been debating whether or not to give up his parental rights. He knew he loved his son from the moment he first laid eyes on him. He knew it and knew nothing could come close to harming that love. But he also knew then- as Justin feared now- it wasn’t enough. His love alone couldn’t raise a son, couldn’t give him the support and stability that he needed. That realization was one of the greatest and most painful in his life. He wanted more than anything to believe he could be everything to his son, but he knew that he couldn’t, and that Melanie was what Gus really needed.

Funny, though. Brian had still managed to, in some regard, become a center in Gus’s world. That was enough.

Brian had also asked himself that question about Justin. That question had almost ended their relationship altogether. That fear, that paralyzing fear of not being enough, of not having enough. That almost was the end of them.

Almost.

Less then two weeks after Justin had moved in, the couple took a Friday night trip to Babylon. Business as usual. There was dancing, there was drinking, there was backroom fucking, no surprises. Just how Brian liked it: all under his control. That was until Michael and Ben showed up, causing Brian and Justin to split as the young blonde went to the bar for a drink. When half an hour had passed and Justin hadn’t returned, Brian became curious.

Where was he?

Who was he with?

What was he doing?

Who was he doing?

Why hadn’t Brian been invited?

Glancing over the rail of the catwalk, Brian saw his lover at the bar. With a guy. A young, beautiful guy. They were flirting. Even from far away, Brian could see Justin’s flirt from the way he pushed back hair that hadn’t yet fallen into his eyes, or the way his fingers lazily danced on the boy’s bare wrist.

The boy? What the fuck? Had Brian just referred to some twenty-something as a boy?

After getting cancer, Brian had developed a new vulnerability when it came to Justin. There had always been a soft-spot for the artist, no doubt about that. When he was sick and enduring radiation treatment, he allowed himself to be taken care of. He allowed himself to need Justin somewhat, and Justin was more than happy to oblige. But once in remission, the need didn’t go away. This weakness, this love disease. It remained, steadfast as ever. And with it came a new jealousy. A new green demon devouring Brian from the inside out. Talking to him, belittling him.

He wasn’t young anymore. He has- or had- cancer, and Justin had seen him at his absolute worse. He had seen him vomit, seen him bleed, seen him moan and shiver in his bed and on the bathroom floor. What image of Brian did he have now? He tried to convince himself that Justin still saw him as invincible, that he saw him as a man with both his balls and all of his dignity. But it wasn’t there.

Brian didn’t even see it anymore. Something had to be done.

With little more than a wave goodbye to Michael and Ben, Brian all but ran down the stairs and to the bar. Placing his hand on Justin’s shoulder, Brian greeted his lover.

“Hey,” he said, and waited for the response he was looking for. Waited for the big kiss he expected to receive.

Any minute now.

But it didn’t come. He got a little smirk and a weak, “what’s up?”

“I have to get up early for work tomorrow. I’m going.”

“Okay. See you at home.”

“Which you plan on getting to how? I drove you here.”

Justin shrugged. “Dunno. Cab I guess. I’ll find my way.”

Brian hesitated before speaking. There had to be more than that, more information. More feeling. More something beside the empty awkwardness that drenched the gaping hole of air between them. And they were all of two inches apart in the hot, crowded club.

“Well, bye.”

Justin smiled briefly and turned back to the supermodel he had been talking to at the bar. God, he was gorgeous. That used to be Brian. Now it was just depressing.

Exiting Babylon, Brian pulled a cigarette and the car keys from his pocket. As he lit the cigarette, he decided against going straight home and walked to Woody’s instead. It was relatively uncrowded for Friday- well, Saturday now- at a quarter past midnight. Checking his watch, Brian figured he had time for a few drinks. At the bar. Alone.

Pathetic.

At almost half past one, Emmett came waltzing in, glamorous as ever, a beautiful man with dark brown hair and big green eyes on his arm. Brian could tell that Emmett had seen him by the way his voice dropped and his eyes traveled over the bar. It made Brian feel like he was imposing, like he was making Emmett uncomfortable. Some friend. Couldn’t Emmett tell that he was hurting? He was supposed to be sensitive or some shit, what happened?

Rather than introduce his date, or trick, or whatever, to Brian, he kissed him goodnight before heading over to the bar.

“So good of you to join me,” Brian slurred, taking another shot.

“Mm hm. I was afraid to come here.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. You look like shit, Sweetie. But you looked upset so-”

“How thoughtful.”

“Yep. Thoughtful me.”

“Who was that?”

“Who was huh?” Emmett answered a bit too quickly.

“The guy you came in here with. The one slobbering all over your face before you-”

“Oh! Him!” Emmett cried out, forcing the words. “That was Simon. I met him a couple of weeks ago and we’ve sorta been kinda seeing each other.”

“Sorta kinda?”

“Sorta really.”

“Why Emmett,” Brian said, clapping a hand on his friend’s back. “You’ve got a steady!”

“Would you stop! This is why I didn’t want to tell anyone... not yet, not officially.”

“So why me, now, then? Unofficially?”

“Because from the looks of it, you’re not gonna remember a damn thing I say. So how’s about the next round’s on me. Bartender!”

Emmett ordered up a cosmo for himself and a vodka tonic for Brian, who looked like, despite having already knocked back a few, he could use it.

“So what’s wrong now?” Emmett asked, taking a sip of his drink. “It’s so unlike you to actually mope.”

“I’m not moping!” Brian insisted. “I’m wallowing.”

“Oh, even better, honey. Do tell.”

Brian wanted to make something up rather than tell the truth and end up sounding like some brokenhearted housewife. Christ, anything but that. But he had already had far too much to drink to make up a story that would be even remotely convincing.

“I’m just so... annoyed.”

“Annoyed?”

“With myself.”

“Oh,” Emmett’s interest suddenly doubled. “This is new.”

“Yeah. And I’m frustrated.”

“Is this, too, with yourself?”

“Partly. Mostly with Justin.”

“Oh baby, what happened now?”

“I’m just not sure that I’m still what he wants.”

Choking on his drink, Emmett stifled a laugh. “Is that a joke? Yeah, that can only be a joke. That, or I misheard you. I could have sworn you just said you think Justin doesn’t want you.”

“You heard me right,” Brian affirmed, lifting his glass, tapping it on Emmett’s, and taking a long drink.

“Brian, he wants you and has been wanting you for the past six years. The fucking blind could see it.”

“So why can’t I?”

Emmett couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Brian? Are you listening to yourself? Maybe I was mistaken but didn’t you two just move in together? Why would he do that if he didn’t want you?”

All perfectly reasonable questions with perfectly logical answers. But Brian was too drunk for reason, and logic served no purpose. It also, ultimately, did not explain Justin’s dismissive attitude toward him at Babylon. So was this what Brian had been reduced to? Mooning at a bar, nursing a drink over his troubled home life.

Fuck.

No matter what he did, he somehow seemed to be turning into his father. But this was different. He didn’t knock Justin up, and they certainly weren’t getting married. No one was forcing them to be together. They’re love wasn’t based on a mistake- though Brian felt he had accidentally fallen in love. That didn’t matter. How they got there was inconsequential to the fact that now they were together. They had a life together. Nothing was his- Brian’s- anymore. It was all theirs, and frighteningly, Brian couldn’t imagine having it any other way. He couldn’t imagine his life not being Justin’s, and Justin not being his.

So then what was he so worried about? Why was he drinking alone an nearly two in the morning?

“It scares you.”

Brian looked up, choked on air. It took him a moment to realized that what Emmett had said was a question. “What?”

“Does it scare you? Starting your life over with someone? Never thought you’d see the day, huh?”

Brian considered this. Was he scared of the commitment? “Not really. I’m not scared of being with him.”

Then it clicked.

“Well, if that’s the case, then why aren’t you home... with him?”

‘Because he’s with someone else.’ Brian couldn’t bear to say the words aloud. It cut him too deep. Standing from the barstool, Brian pulled his keys from his pocket.

“And what do you think you’re doing?” Emmett asked, standing alongside his inebriated friend.

“What does it look like?” Brian asked, stumbling slightly as he stepped away from the bar. “Going home.”

“Oh no you’re not. You are not driving in this condition. Give me your keys.”

“You’re far crazier than I thought if you think I’m gonna let you drive the Vette.”

“I will fight you for them. You can’t get home to your honey if you’re wrapped around a lamppost.”

That was enough to scare Brian into relenting and placing the keys in Emmett’s hands. “Good boy,” Emmett said, kissing Brian’s forehead. “Now, come on, let’s get you home.”

It was ten after two when Brian stumbled into the loft. Knowing better than to threaten Brian’s sense of independence, Emmett chose not to walk him up. He merely said “goodnight” as Brian got out of the car and that he would bring the car by in the morning before Brian had to be at work. Had he not been quite so drunk, Brian would have been able to appreciate Emmett’s devotion to their friendship. Not that Brian hadn’t been a good friend, overall, in his opinion; however, there always seemed to be more that he could do for a person and unconditionally caring as Emmett.

When Brian pulled closed the heavy loft door, Justin looked up from where he was sitting on the bed. He was working on his laptop, which he had gotten once his art was taking up too much space on the computer. Especially with all the work on ‘Rage,’ it had seemed more logical to keep his artwork computer separate from his everything else computer.

Blue eyes traveled up from the screen and examined Brian, who felt as though he was being looked through.

“Where have you been?” A question. Not an accusation as Brian had expected and secretly hoped for.

“Out,” he said, dismissive, disinterested. He shuffled forward, stripping off articles of clothing as he did.

“Oh.” Justin seemed a bit disappointed in the response. “I just... I thought you’d be home, that’s all. You said you were coming home.”

“Yeah, well, I changed my mind and went out.”

“Tricking?”

Brian snorted a laugh. “Yeah, I got this wasted by tricking.” Standing over his lover, he stared Justin down, vision blurred. Before he could collapse onto the oh-so-inviting bed, he turned away and walked toward the kitchen.

“I need a drink,” he announced to no one in particular. Justin, apparently, had had enough and stood up from his work, following Brian.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“Of water, Sunshine,” Brian informed him. “And what are you, my fucking mother? My goddamned wife?”

Justin stopped mid-step and Brian could tell without turning around. “Neither. I’m just your roommate with benefits. Fuck, you never change.”

Brian whipped around. “You know... fuck you!” He yelled, pointing an accusatory finger that shook with anger.

“No, fuck you,” Justin replied calmly. “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. I won’t. You’re home, you’re not lying in a ditch somewhere. Well that’s fan-fucking-tastic, now I’m going to bed. You do whatever the fuck you want.”

“No, I can’t talk to you like this, okay? You’re right! I can’t talk to you!”

Justin heard the quaking of his lover’s voice and softened, realizing that something was wrong. More than just a few drinks too many. “Why are you doing this?”

Waving his hand, knowing that Justin was catching on to him as usual, Brian turned his back. He couldn’t look at him like this, when he was like this. He was making more of an idiot of himself than when he was simply being angry. And, God, was he going to regret this in the morning.

“No. I mean it. You’re picking a fight with me.” Cautiously, Justin approached Brian from behind. Gentle hands traveled up and down the bare skin of Brian’s back. He was reaching for more than flesh, he was touching him for answers, tapping into the part of Brian that fell completely and utterly apart at Justin’s touch.

“What’s wrong? You can tell me, tell me anything.”

“I can’t...” Brian sighed and took a step away for room to turn around say, “tell you... that I’m terrified.”

“Terrified?”

“That you’ll leave me again.”

Justin laughed. Not exactly the response Brian was expecting or hoping for.

“And this is funny... how?”

Justin stifled his laughter. “You’re such an asshole,” he explained, bearing an enormous grin.

“That’s just what I was hoping you’d say.”

“Leave you? What the fuck am I leaving you for? I just moved in, you prick!”

“I don’t mean tomorrow! Or the next day, or a month from now, or fuck- who knows? Maybe not even a year from now. But eventually, I think you’ll realize that there’s more. That there’s better.”

“Than?”

Though Brian understood Justin’s surprise concerning Brian’s insecurities, he seemed to be acting a bit thicker than usual.

“Than me! That you’ll find or want more than what I have.”

“Like what? Since when are you not enough for me?”

Brian cocked his brow. Did he really need to answer that? Was is really necessary for him to have to mention the fiddler fiasco? It wasn’t, his look said it all.

“This can’t possibly be about Ethan,” Justin said, beginning to feel a bit angry himself. “God- have you heard a word I’ve said in the past three years? I told you when we got back together that he was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. How can this be about him?”

“It’s not about him. Not exactly.”

“Than what? What the fuck are you afraid I’ll want that isn’t you?”

Brian shrugged, though the image was set in his mind. “I don’t- something... someone... younger. More like you. Someone who’s never been sick. Who you haven’t had to watch puke and bleed and... someone you can idolize.”

“Brian...” His voice was soft. Compassionate, but not pitying. “We’re a broken record, you know that? I stopped looking for an idol a long time ago. I don’t need a hero, not anymore. What I want... what I need... is a partner. A lover.”

“And the trick at Babylon tonight? What was he?”

“Who? Brock?” Justin asked, incredulous and with a choked laugh.

Brock? What the fuck kind of name was Brock? Has Justin really sunk that low? “If that’s what he calls himself.”

“Brock and I used to go to school together. He lived in the same hall as some of my friends. He graduated two years before me.”

Now Brian really felt like an asshole. He couldn’t believe that it had come to this. Freaking out about Justin’s talking to and old- granted gorgeous- acquaintance. But that wasn’t all.

“Then why were you so cold to me at the bar if he wasn’t a fuck? You practically shoved me out the door.”

Avoiding Brian’s eyes, Justin shrugged. The humor seemed to have left the situation. “I guess- I thought it’s what you would want.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Because I know you, Brian! I know how difficult it must have been for you to open your home to me. I mean, to really make your life into something that I would always somehow be a part of. Just because you wanted it.”

“So... I asked you to live with me to be treated like we barely knew each other?”

“No. I just didn’t want to make you feel imposed upon. I didn’t want everything to suddenly change and for you to regret asking me to live with you. You’re a slippery slope, Brian. I never really know with you.”

That was one of the hardest things he had every had to hear from Justin. But he had to hear it because it made him understand just what position he seemed to be putting Justin in. He didn’t want to be a challenge anymore; he wanted to be a constant. Someone that Justin could depend upon. Brian wanted to be a safe haven for Justin just as Justin had always been asylum for him.

“I don’t like that things are so fucking complicated,” Brian admitted as his stomach did a somersault, a combination of the effects of the alcohol and his current predicament.

“Neither do I,” Justin agreed, allowing himself to touch Brian, a loving hand to flushed cheek. “I love you so much.”

“I know you do.”

“I feel like that should just be enough,” Justin sighed the words, frustrated. “But at least... at least you recognize it.”

“What you mean?”

“I mean it’s taken you almost six years to really, really acknowledge that I love you. That’s it more that just an adolescent infatuation. That means a lot to me.”

Resting his forehead on Brian’s chest, Justin wrapped his arms around his lover’s waist. Brian was breathing heavily. It was wonderful and painful, this vulnerability. He spent his whole life being afraid of being held, of being loved, but it wasn’t so bad. Here was a man who would do just about anything for him. Watch him puke and bleed and not care simply because he loved him. But Justin was right, most of the time, love wasn’t enough to carry a person through hard times, through fights and failures and illness. But Justin’s sheer will, his inability to fail, his passion and fight for success, that would survive any trial sent their way.

“You’re my constant,” Brian mumbled into soft blonde hair. He knew it made little sense, but it was enough to let Justin know. It was enough for now.

“Why don’t we get you to bed? You’re going to feel like pure ass in the morning.”

That was his boy. Never one to sugar coat, to lay it down easy. That was just the way Brian liked it. Brian needed it.

“I can’t wait to have real pictures, though.”

“Hm?”

“Of my kid,” Justin said, nodding his head at the black and white image. His eyes didn’t leave the photo for a few moments, and for those few moments, he looked like a man to Brian in a way he never had before. It was amazing, the things that new life could do for a person. The transformation. The fear. The pride. Gus had made Brian have to be a man.

But Justin... he made Brian want to be a man.  



	12. Driving

“Kinnetik.”

“Hello?”

“Good afternoon. How may I help you?”

“Cynthia?”

“Yes, this is Cynthia speaking.”

“Hey, it’s Lindsay.”

“Oh, hey Linds,” Cynthia said casually, slouching into her chair and twirling the phone’s cord around her finger. “What’s up?”

“I’m trying to get in touch with Brian but his cell phone is off and he’s not picking up his office line. Is he there?”

“Oh, yeah. But he’s in a meeting.”

“Do you think you could be so kind as to pull him out for me for just a sec?”

Cynthia bit her lip. “Normally I would, really, especially for you. But he’s in a meeting with a big new client and he specifically said not to interrupt for any reason. Usually I’d be happy to, but he had that tone... you know that tone. Even I wouldn’t brave entering his conference room right now.”

“Are you sure? It’s a bit of an emergency.”

“I really don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Shit.” A long pause. “All right, well-”

“Do you want me to try Justin? Maybe he could help you out,” Cynthia suggested.

Justin? Of course! Why hadn’t she thought of that? “That’d be great, thanks!”

“Just a sec, I’ll connect you.”

Lindsay thanked her and waited impatiently for the call to go through. She checked her watch again: two fifty-seven. Fuck. Gus was just about to get out of school. Come on, Justin, where are you?

“Hello?”

“Justin?”

“Hey Lindsay, what’s up?” He sounded nervous.

“Are you busy right now?”

“Not too busy. Cynthia said you had an emergency. Is everything okay? Is it the baby?”

“No, no, the baby’s fine,” Lindsay told him quickly. “It’s just that Mel and I had to come to the hospital forty-five minutes away for my check-up today and my midwife was late and long story short I’m barely done being examined and Jenny’s going to be at a friend’s but we were supposed to pick up Gus from school today.”

“So you need me to get him?”

“Could you? I was going to ask Brian but-”

“Hey, it’s no problem.”

“Thank you so much, Justin. You know where it is, right?”

“Of course.”

“Great. You’re a lifesaver! Really, thank you.”

Justin smiled. He loved being the hero. Besides, he would drive across the country for Gus without a second thought. “It’s no problem. I’ll go right now.”

“Okay, thanks. I’ll call you when we can get him. We’ll pick him up at the office.”

“All right. See you later then.”

“Right. Love you. Bye.”

Hanging up the phone with his left hand, Justin clicked “save” with his right. He stood from his desk, grabbed his coat, and got ready to leave. Just as he was about ready to go, he realized that he would need the car. Brian had the keys.

“Hey, Cynthia?”

The blonde looked up from her computer screen. “What’s up? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. I need to pick up Gus. Is Brian still in the meeting of death?”

“Yeah, for at least another half an hour I’d say.”

“Fuck. Do you think you could just pop in and get him for me?” Justin asked in his sweetest voice.

“Are you fucking nuts?”

“Come on! You’re his assistant.”

“And you’re sleeping with him.”

She did have a point. “Fine. But if I’m not out in five minutes-”

“I’ll call an ambulance.”

“You’re too kind.”

Justin approached the conference room where Brian was currently meeting with a new client who had been nothing but agony. Brian dreaded every meeting and despised the company’s owner with a burning and fiery passion. But the money was too good, so Brian sucked it up and took it like a man, making everyone he worked with miserable and little bit terrified in the process.

“Mr. Kinney?” Justin said cautiously as he entered the room. Usually it was just “Brian” around the office, but he wanted to make sure there was a certain air of respect when Brian met with clients such as Mr. Cleaver. “Sorry to interrupt but-”

“Not now, Taylor,” Brian scolded. Things were going worse than even Justin thought they would be. His lover looked as if the vein above his right eye were about to explode.

“I’m really sorry but it’s kind of-”

“I said not now. Whatever it is, it can wait.”

“Actually I just-”

“Taylor, are you deaf?” Brian looked like he was about to lose it.

“But Mr. Kinney-”

“Justin!”

“It’s Gus!”

And that was all it took. Those two words changed everything. Brian’s body relaxed, his angry, narrowed eyes became wide with concern. Ignoring Mr. Cleaver’s irritated inquisitions concerning the circumstances of this interruption, Brian dropped the files that he had been holding, stood from the table, and approached Justin.

“What is it? Is he okay?”

Justin half-smiled. “Fine. Everything’s fine,” he assured him in the same manner that Lindsay had barely five minutes earlier. His voice was low as he spoke to Brian. “Mel and Linds are running late and Gus is stuck at school. I need to pick him up so I need-”

“The car,” Brian finished his sentence. Justin could have melted right there. “Yeah, fine.”

He pulled the keys from his front pocket and put them into Justin’s open hand. “You bringing him back here?”

Justin nodded. “Linds said she’ll call when they’re coming to get him.”

“Okay. Drive safely.”

“I always do.”

Twenty minutes later Justin pulled into the visitor’s lot at Kennedy Elementary. Stepping out of the car, he looked at his watch. It was only three thirty-two. Could be worse. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed by a nice big chocolate shake before going back to the office.

As Justin jogged into the empty halls of the school, he flashed forward to when he would be picking up his own child from school. The thought of a blonde little boy or girl running into his arms after a long day made his heart flutter a little bit faster as he stepped into the main office where he knew Gus would be waiting with the other children whose parents were late.

On the bench situated against the wall, Gus sat alone, swinging his legs back and forth with his book bag hugged tightly against his chest. A slight pout tugged his lips downward into a pitiful frown. But he remained stoic as usual, never one to cause trouble. Not usually, anyway.

Justin stepped forward just as Gus looked up. Much to the older man’s surprise, his pseudo-son didn’t look too thrilled to see him. “Hey, Gus.”

“Hi.”

“Sorry about all this, kid. Your moms got caught up at the doctor’s. Everything’s fine,” he assured the boy as the beginnings of an apprehensive stare grew on his face. “They’re just running late and Dad’s in a meeting so here I am.”

Gus nodded. “Okay. Are we going back to work?”

“Mm hm, but I thought we’d stop for a shake at the ice cream shop, first.”

This won a smile. “All right.”

Just as Justin took Gus’s hand and was about ready to go, a woman’s voice stopped him.

“Excuse me, sir?”

Justin turned around to see an older woman, mid-forties, with pinched features accentuated by the tightness of her bun.

“Yeah?”

“I take it you’re here for Gus?”

She had to be kidding. “Yes. I am.”

“This is Justin,” Gus informed her.

“I see. Justin, are you of some relation to Gus.”

Here we go. “I’m his father’s partner.”

“Oh.” Her face became impossibly more sour. “Is his father here?”

“No. He’s working, that’s why I had to come get him.”

“I see. Are you on the emergency pick up list?”

‘Fuck, I hope so,’ Justin thought. He didn’t even want to think about having to call Brian out of his meeting from the school. “Probably.”

The woman forced a smile. “Well, why don’t we have a look in his file then? Your name again?”

“Justin Taylor.”

“It’s okay, Ms. Cadsie, I can go with Justin. He’s kinda like my step dad. Jaime goes home with his step dad all the time.”

‘If only it were so simple, Gus.’

“Thank you, Gus,” Ms. Cadsie said without looking up from the filing cabinet, “but this is just procedure since you and Mr. Taylor have no legal or blood relations.”

Justin’s blood boiled. He forced himself not to look down at Gus, who was still tightly gripping his hand and probably now wearing an inquisitive stare. How dare she? How fucking dare she? Where did she get off making it her place to comment on such sensitive subjects? And to a nine year old? Fuck blood. Fuck legalities. Gus was his family, Brian was his family.

Justin decided that he hated this woman, this ignorant bigot who thought she could possibly fathom the bond that Justin shared with the child standing beside him.

“Okay, Mr. Taylor. You’re good to go. Have a nice afternoon.”

Justin left without another word, practically running from the building. Coward, he thought, what a fucking coward. But he realized that more than his pride, he had to protect Gus. It wouldn’t have been fair to make Gus suffer for what he might have said. What he wanted so badly to say.

“So how’s that shake?” He asked as Gus swirled his straw around in the enormous glass, filled with runny chocolate ice cream.

Gus shrugged. “Pretty good.”

“That’s funny since you’ve barely touched it.”

Justin was afraid of this, afraid that Gus might become confused or upset by what that bitch of a teacher had said. Not sure how to explain it to Gus, Justin avoided the subject. He’d rather simply wait until Gus brought it up himself.

“I’m just not that hungry,” he replied weakly, pushing the glass away from him.

Justin half-smiled. “Okay. You wanna get going, then?”

Gus nodded. Taking a quick sip of the barely-touched shake, Justin left a five on the table and motioned for Gus to head out. The boy obeyed wordlessly; this made Justin insane. He had become somewhat dependent upon Gus’s juvenile ramblings. He loved hearing them so that the quiet created a distance between the two.

Justin did a lot of thinking while driving, whenever he drove. Something about the constant movement, the vibrations of the car, turned the wheels in his mind. Some of his greatest pieces of art had popped into his head while driving. It also could envoke hidden feelings in him. He would be fine one moment, drive around the block, and return ranting and raving. This made Brian crazy because he couldn’t understand it.

But sometimes a great calm came over Justin, a sense of balance. He had such a moment while driving with Gus back to the office and realized that he could not merely let the issue lie. If anyone knew that, it was him. After allowing his feelings about the bashing to fester inside of him for two years, they exploded into a fit of anger, pushing away everyone he loved. He went mad, chasing demons with the most unstable person he had ever met. Was this what would become of Gus if Justin let such sensitive issues fly? Gus would have to deal with his parents’ sexuality his whole life. If he didn’t start understanding now, would he ever?

“Hey, Gus?” Justin said with some hesitation as he stopped at a red light.

The boy looked up. “What?”

Where to begin... “Do you have something you want to talk about?”

A timid shrug. “I dunno.”

“I think you do,” Justin informed him. “And I want you to know it’s okay. You can ask me anything, whenever you want. I’m always here for you and-”

“Are you gonna love the baby more than me?”

Justin choked on his words. “What?”

“The new baby, since this one is really yours and I’m not, are you gonna love it more than me.”

Justin didn’t even see it coming. So this was the cause of Gus’s unusual silence. “Gus, do you really think I would?”

Another shrug. “Well, I’m not really your son, I’m only my dad’s son. Like Ms. Cadsie said, I’m not related to you or anything. My new brother or sister is going to be your baby.”

Justin watched the light turn green and pulled through the intersection. What he was about to say to Gus was too important, too intimate for him to say while driving, so he pulled over and put the car in park. Turning to face the child, who looked like he might be on the verge of tears, Justin placed his hand on his shoulder and gripped it warmly, reassuringly.

“Gus, I hope I can love this baby as much as I love you. If I do, then I’d say I’m in pretty good shape as far as being a dad.”

A half-smile. Progress.

“Now listen really good to this part, okay, Gus? Are you listening?”

He nodded.

“No matter what anybody tells you, you are as much a son to me as the new baby is. No matter what happens, I will always love you like a son. I know this is probably hard for you to understand now, but there are a lot more powerful things than blood relations. Love is a lot stronger than that. Do you get what I’m saying?”

Gus nodded, smiled. Justin thought he handled that pretty damn well.

As per usual, Gus stormed into the offices of Kinnetik like he owned the place. As he passed the various cubicles, he was greeted by a few of his father’s employees. Cynthia stopped the whirlwind just as he reached the door to Brian’s office.

“Hold on there, kiddo,” she said, a hand lightly grasping his arm. “You can’t go in there just yet.”

He looked up, annoyed. Classic Kinney. “Why not?”

“Your dad’s in a meeting right now.”

“Still?” Justin asked, approaching the pair.

Grimacing, Cynthia nodded. “Oh yeah. He’s gonna be so pleasant when this is done.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “You don’t live with him.”

She patted his cheek. “Poor baby. Speaking of which, what are you going to do with mini-Kinney until pops is outta the conference from hell?”

Justin shrugged. “Good question. What’re you up for, Gus? You want me to get you some colored pencils and paper?”

“Okay.” Justin had a great appreciation for Gus’s usually knowing when to practice complacency.

“That won’t be necessary,” Brian said, stepping out of his office and holding the door for his client.

Mr. Cleaver crossed the threshold and stopped to stare at Gus, who stared right back with innocent curiosity.

“Who’s this?” He asked.

“I’m Gus,” the child informed him proudly.

Brian smiled. Gus could always do that to him. “That’s my son.”

Mr. Cleaver nodded. “Good looking kid you got there, Kinney.”

“He takes after his father.” Justin couldn’t help himself.

Grimacing, Mr. Cleaver let out a sort of indifferent grunting noise that Justin thought of as being boar-like. “Right, well, I’ll be sending a representative of the company on Monday to look at the artwork.”

“I can’t wait,” Brian spat the words at Cleaver, who gave Brian a slight nod and left without another word. Brian had neglected to mention that Cleaver’s rep would be meeting with one of Kinnetik’s own reps. This ad exec had somewhere else to be.

“Fucker,” Brian mumbled.

“Dad!” Gus gasped, shocked and appalled at his father’s foul language.

“Sorry, sonny boy. I’ll try to bite my tongue,” Brian said, running his fingers though his sons hair before turning his gaze to Justin. “So why don’t you two gentlemen step into my office.” Brian had barely finished his sentence before Gus bolted through the door. Brian and Justin followed and entered to see Ted pouring himself a glass of water. Justin hadn’t seen Ted since just after lunch, and the man looked like he had spent the entire meeting being viciously beaten.

“Christ, Ted,” Justin said, taking off his fall jacket and tossing it onto the couch. “What happened to you?”

As he took a drink, his arm shot out and pointed accusatorily at Brian. “Your boyfriend,” he gasped after finishing the glass.

Brian’s smile was guilty but pleased. Nothing new there. “That’s business, Ted. If you haven’t gotten used to it by now then-”

“There’s no getting used to that,” Ted explained. “I know you, Kinney, I can take you. But what goes on in that board room... that’s not Brian.”

“Then who?” Gus asked, inviting himself into the conversation.

Ted started, surprised by the boy’s presence. “Oh. Hi, Gus.”

“Hey, Ted. Who else was in the board room that isn’t Dad?”

Shaking his head, Ted said, “never mind. It’s just an expression.”

Gus accepted this easily. “Whatever.” Justin handed him some paper and colored pencils and the boy got right to work.

“Anyway, I’ve got a crapload of paperwork to do now. I’m gonna get on that.” Ted excused himself.

“Poor Ted,” Justin lamented. “Think he’ll be all right?”

Brian snorted a laugh and nodded. “He’s a survivor.”

The phone rang; Brian picked it up. “Hello?... Oh, hi,” he answered Justin’s inquisitive stare by mouthing, ‘it’s Lindsay.’ “Yeah, I’m here... Mm hm, fine...” He paused, chuckled, “working on his next masterpiece I expect. Everything okay?... That’s good... You know, you don’t have to... Nah, Justin and I’ll take him out to dinner, drop him off at home... hold on.”

Brian held his hand over the receiver as he addressed his son. “Hey, Gus?”

The boy looked up. “What?”

“How about me and Justin take you to dinner?”

Gus nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah!”

Brian got back on the phone. “Yeah, I think he’s okay with that... All right, see you later... Bye.”

Brian hung up and stared at the phone for a moment before looking up. “Okay, well, I still have some stuff to finish up.”

Justin nodded. “Me too.”

“Gus, you think you could hang tight for a while, do your homework, whatever?”

Nodding absently, Gus mumble, “uh huh.” Oh yeah, he’d be busy for quite a while.”

Brian and Justin both got back to work with Gus doing work of his own on the glass table situated at the far side of Brian’s office. The father couldn’t help but frequently look up from the computer screen and stare at his son. His beautiful, intense boy. Work was taking so much longer with the distraction of Gus only a few feet away, but that was all right. Brian didn’t have anywhere important to be. Not yet anyway. For now, Brian had all the time in the world.

He didn’t have to go to the hospital till Monday.  



	13. Just Breathe

Justin stared at the pages of the waiting room copy of National Geographic, but the words might as well have been in Greek. They made no sense, and they meant nothing. He just wanted to look busy, not worried. Meanwhile, his whole body was screaming silently, convulsing motionlessly with terror. Apprehension of what might come when Brian walked through the door.

It was one of Brian’s biannual check-ups that he went to after going into remission. Justin went to every one. He didn’t have to, Brian told him this every time. Because he would never admit that he really wanted Justin to be there when he got off of the examination table, that just the sight of his lover brought him immediate calm, Brian merely said that Justin didn’t have to. But he knew all too well that Justin wanted to- needed to. He needed to know right away, the moment that Brian knew, that everything was still all right. Though it was unlikely that Brian would get sick again, there was a nagging fear in the backs of both of their minds that the cancer could return.

Though he knew this was selfish, Justin was almost angry with Brian for picking the Monday before Thanksgiving to make his appointment. He doubted that anything was wrong, but if there were something... Justin was going to be seeing Molly for the first time since she left for college, and Daphne was coming into town. He didn’t want illness burdening what was to supposed to be a joyous weekend. And knowing Brian as he did, Justin thought he did this on purpose. He liked the silent spectacle.

So Justin waited with patient impatience, tapping his foot anxiously, probably irritating the other occupants of the waiting room. He didn’t care. If they wanted him to stop, they could ask him.

After an eternity had passed, Brian walked into the waiting area, the hint of a smile on his face. Justin knew then that everything was all right. Still, he stood and rushed to Brian.

“Everything’s fine?”

“Right as rain,” Brian assured him. Justin ran his hand through Brian’s hair and to the back of his neck. Contact. This was important.

The mood was so different from when Justin would be there for Brian during radiation treatments. He remembered his first visit so vividly, the others blurred together. But the first he also met with a similar apprehension.

He sat in the waiting room, this time with a copy of Vanity Fair. He thought he might burst, or possibly vomit, or both. He wasn’t afraid of what Brian would be like when he got out, or whether or not he could handle it. But the thought of Brian being in pain, of being alone on the cold metal slab, of being poisoned, terrified him. Caused him to hurt.

He looked up when a nurse walked into the waiting room. Looking around, her eyes stopped on Justin, and she stepped forward to speak to him.

“Are you here with Brian Kinney?”

He nodded and stood. “Yeah. Is everything okay?” What a stupid question.

She smiled kindly. Obviously, it wasn’t the first time she had been addressed with such a loaded, absurd query. “He’s just finishing up now, should be out in a few minutes. You weren’t with him last time, correct?”

Though it wasn’t his fault, Justin felt ashamed when he answered, “no. I wasn’t here.”

“Okay, well, I just want to prepare you for what you should expect.”

Justin nodded. Ready, he could take on anything.

“He’ll be okay for a while. In a couple of hours the side-effects will really kick in. Nausea, vomiting, body aches, possibly some fever and chills, sensitivity to light and sound.”

Justin choked a laugh. “That’s all?”

“I know it seems rough. I won’t lie to you, it is.”

Justin knew too well.

“The best thing I’d say for you to do is get him home and into bed. Do you live with him?”

“Not exactly.”

The nurse seemed a bit confused. “I’m really sorry, you’re his...”

“Boyfriend.” No hesitation. Just had to pretend that he was strong for Brian’s sake. Luckily, this didn’t seem to phase the woman.

“Okay, well, just from experience I’d say it would also be good for him to not be alone for a while. It can be difficult. This is his second treatment though so I’m assuming you’ve seen.”

Justin nodded. How this hurt him. “Yes, I’ve seen.”

“All right, well, he’ll be coming out in a few minutes so just sit tight.”

“Will do.”

When Brian came walking out, he looked- well- not too bad, actually. Not to Justin, anyway, who had seen much worse in the past few weeks. He looked like himself if not a bit tired. But what he was expecting did not walk through the door. It was nothing compared to what was coming.

Justin approached him cautiously. Having learned his lesson, he was careful not to mother Brian.

“Hey,” was all he could manage.

“Hey,” Brian responded plainly. Just looking at his lover, he could see how much this pained him. It was almost worse than the therapy itself.

“Ready to go?” Justin asked. He could feel familiar tears burning the back of his throat. He was scared, and this was so much harder than he thought it would be.

Brian nodded and handed him the keys. “Yeah. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

Halfway to the elevator, Justin released the breath that he was holding in his lungs. The air exploded from him in a desperate gasp, causing Brian to stop and stare. He raised his eyebrows and blinked a few times, as if he thought he might have just been hearing things. But he knew when he looked at Justin, who was standing next to him, panting, that something else was wrong. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to hear what.

“Just stop for a second,” Justin said, resting his hand on Brian’s shoulder.

He shrugged. “Already have. What’s with you?”

“I just need to... stop... moving... for a second.” His face was lowered, but Brian could tell that he was crying. He hated this, he was afraid of this.

“Justin, please-”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I really didn’t mean for this to happen. Just... I keep thinking... if I lose you-” he stopped speaking, his words broken by his sobs.

Brian was afraid to touch him. Afraid that the tears might be contagious. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m trying to be strong, Brian. I want you to be able to depend on me.”

“I know. I do.” Affirmation. Pathetic.

Wrapping his arms around Justin, Brian held him against his body. He couldn’t help it. Justin’s fingers became tangled in Brian’s hair. He was holding on as if both their lives depended on it. The contact reminded him that Brian was still there with him, holding him back. So what was he so afraid of?

Though Justin was oblivious, Brian could feel the eyes of the few passersby. What an odd image they must have been: an older, sickly man holding on to a young, healthy, sobbing boy. Brian hadn’t in a long time treated Justin like a child. He wasn’t. But he was still so young, Brian had to remind himself. This was a lot for someone barely old enough to drink to take on. And to take on so bravely. He didn’t feel like he deserved it. After the way he treated Justin, the way he kept secrets and lied and threw him out. Still, there he was, stalwart as ever, now crying in his arms.

Brian didn’t know how he got so lucky.

After a few minutes, Justin calmed down, and they left. His eyes were still a bit puffy when they returned to the loft, but they were nothing compared to the black, sallow holes beneath Brian’s. The older man lied down on the couch as Justin threw the keys onto the counter.

“Can I get you anything? Water... soup...”

“No,” Brian said, shaking his head, “just come here.”

Cautiously, Justin approached the couch. He was embarrassed by his behavior at the hospital. Brian could tell by the way he was playing with the bottom of his shirt. It was kind of adorable.

“What the fuck are you standing there for?” Brian asked.

“You asked me to come over.”

“No,” Brian said, rolling onto his side and patting the extra space. “I said, ‘come here.’”

The corners of Justin’s lips twitched, but he could not smile. He was afraid that if he did, he might start crying again. Wordlessly, he lied down next to Brian, warm body to warm body. That was important, he was warm. Not feverish, just alive.

“Sorry,” Justin said again. He couldn’t help it.

“You shouldn’t be,” Brian told him. “You haven’t cried till now.”

“Oh, I’ve cried. You just haven’t been around to see it. You’re the one who hasn’t cried.”

Brian considered this. “No. I guess I haven’t. I’ve wanted to.”

“Because you got a ball removed.” Justin choked a laugh.

Cruel, but fair. Justin was entitled to a few stabs. “That’s not why, believe it or not.”

“Oh?”

Brian shook his head; his eyes were closed. “In my office, when you stopped by to see me and I told you about my supposed trip to Ibiza. After I yelled at you, and you were so patient, so understanding... but I could feel how much I was hurting you... that was hard.”

“But you still never cried?” Justin was stroking Brian’s face.

“No. I couldn’t. Sometimes I wanted to, but I couldn’t.”

Justin shrugged but didn’t know what say.

Brian smirked. “Well, Michael’s probably been crying enough for the both of us.” They both laughed at this. Cruel, but fair.

Justin could feel Brian drifting off. He recognized the deep, even breathing that always came just before his lover fell into deep sleep. Knowing that the couch would not be a good place for this, especially when Brian had to run for the toilet, Justin gently nudged his shoulder.

“Brian? Don’t fall asleep here.”

“Hmm?” Brian grumbled, his eyes fluttering open and closed.

“Come on, I’ll take you to bed.”

Propping Brian up and slinging his arm over his shoulder, Justin led Brian to his bed. He pulled the covers up around his lover before getting another blanket to spread over him. He remembered the violent chills that would rack Brian’s weakened body, the convulsions that would come just before the vomiting and fever. But he could handle this, he already was.

“Justin?”

Justin thought that maybe he had misheard the soft moan, Brian’s voice was so faint. He crawled onto the bed, his face hovering over Brian’s.

“Did you call me?”

Brian nodded slightly, but enough so that Justin could see.

“What is it?”

“Stay,” he whispered. “Stay with me.”

Justin didn’t need to be asked twice. He lied down next to Brian, one arm draped above his lover’s head, the other wrapped around Brian’s waist. He cuddled closer, hoping, knowing that his presence was providing some sort of comfort. He closed his eyes and felt Brian’s chest rising and falling, even through the thick covers.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Justin told him as he kissed his ear. “I’ll never leave you.”

“Good,” Brian said, and just as he drifted off to sleep, he mumbled, “neither will I.”

Five years later, Justin was standing at the door, their door, to their home, watching Brian walk toward the bedroom.

Kicked off his shoes.

Pulled off his shirt, throwing it onto the bedroom floor.

Stretched his arms over his head.

Scratched his bare back.

Turned around.

Stared at Justin.

Smiled. Oh, how he smiles.

“You just gonna stand there?”

Justin shook his head and pulled closed the heavy loft door. He locked it, turned around, and took off his own shoes and jacket. His socked feet padded lightly on the hardwood floors. He could feel the cold of them even through the cotton, so he walked faster over to the bed where Brian was already lying down. He was on his back, his eyes closed, the button of his jeans undone. Justin smirked, rolled his eyes, and crawled into bed on top of his lover.

Brian’s eyes popped open at the sudden weight upon his torso. He tucked his chin to his chest and saw a mop of blonde hair. Justin’s head was turned so that his ear pressed against Brian’s chest. Justin’s hand were softly grasping the skin of Brian’s sides.

He knew what Justin was doing, why he was lying in such a way. Brian recognized this, this need for closeness. This need that Justin had to lie with him, to hold him, to reassure himself that Brian was still there. That his thumpa-thumpa heartbeat was still pounding under the skin of his chest. Justin knew him too well, scary well. He knew that Brian built up a tough skin, put on a hard game face, but he was terrified inside. Fortunately, after many years and fights and fucks, Brian had learned to trust Justin, to make a hole in the wall through which Justin could pass.

Brian’s eyes popped open when he felt a dampness on his chest. He looked down, and Justin’s nose was now pressed against the naked skin of Brian’s chest. Justin’s breathing was heavy; he sniffled once and nuzzled his nose deeper into Brian’s skin. He burrowed into Brian in a way that only he could.

Saying nothing, Brian raised his arms and wrapped them around Justin, gently rubbing his back. Brian ran his fingers through his blonde locks and took a deep breath. Finally, he mustered the courage to lift Justin’s face.

Justin was not sobbing nor hysterical, but a steady stream of tears were flowing from his blue eyes. He half smiled; Brian traced his lips with his thumb.

“C’mere,” he said and pulled Justin’s mouth onto his own. It amazed Brian how sometimes, even when they weren’t fucking, he felt like he and Justin were one being. Such intimacy was something he didn’t think he deserved. These were the times when they said ‘I love you’ without words. Silent vows of eternal, teary-eyed promises.

Justin exhaled, and his breath entered Brian’s mouth; and Brian breathed him in.


	14. Conventional Difference

Justin pulled his masterpiece out of the oven. After slaving all day, it was finally done, and it was a thing of magnificence. This turkey! This beautiful, perfectly golden turkey that smelled of Thanksgiving and memories. Pulling off his oven mitts, Justin stared at his accomplishment and sighed. Ah! Sweet satisfaction.

Hearing the loft door unlocking and being opened, Justin turned toward the noise and saw Gus plowing into the loft with his father not far behind. As Brian shut the door, Justin watched Gus’s backpack bouncing against his body as he ran.

“Hey guys.”

Gus stopped in his tracks. “Justin!” He cried and ran full-speed to him, nearly knocking him over.

“Hey, kid,” he said, wrapping his arms around Gus, who was now tightly gripping his waist. “Christ, Brian, what did you feed him?”

“I just got the Thanksgiving spirit!” Gus informed him; Brian was too busy laughing and placing Gus’s pillow and sleeping bag in the bedroom to say anything.

“Actually, that would be the post-Thanksgiving spirit,” Justin corrected him with a smirk. “It’s Friday.”

Shrugging, Gus said, “it’s okay. Same thing.”

Sometimes the child was just too cute for words, so Justin said nothing, smiled, and ruffled the boy’s hair affectionately.

“Not the hair!” Gus cried, pulling away and patting down his do.

“My God! He is your son!”

Brian rolled his eyes. “Ha, ha, ha.”

“Hey Dad? Can I watch TV?”

“Sure. Just toss your stuff onto my bed. Okay?”

“‘Kay.”

Brian approached Justin, who was admiring his work, which now sat cooling on the kitchen counter. He wrapped his arms around Justin from behind and kissed his neck. His wonderful, smooth skin was soft and cool against his lips.

“Mmm.”

“Just look at it.”

Brian’s head shot up. “What?”

Justin rolled his eyes. “I cooked a turkey, Brian. I cooked a mother fucking turkey all by myself. Isn’t it the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.”

Brian was so enjoying Justin’s enthusiasm, but he couldn’t lie. “Second most.”

Swooning, Justin said, “you know what I mean. It’s perfection.”

Brian chuckled. He would ask if Justin were serious, but frighteningly, he knew he was. “Your ‘Housewife of the Month’ award will be arriving in the mail any day now!”

Justin swatted Brian away. “Asshole.”

Grabbing Justin’s hips, Brian pressed his pelvis against his lover’s ass. He leaned in, breathing deep, seduction. “You like it,” he whispered heavily in Justin’s ear. It took all of the self-proclaimed chef’s focus to maintain control.

“Brian... your son is not twenty feet away.” Justin warned, afraid that if he said nothing they risked fucking right there on the kitchen counter. Lindsay would just love that. Brian’s head fell onto Justin’s shoulder and he sighed, warm breath tickling the sensitive skin on Justin’s neck. He wanted so badly to pull Brian to bed right then, if they could even make it to the bed. But he knew better and pulled away from his lover.

“Enough,” Justin said with finality. “What’s in the bag?”

Brian had almost forgotten the shopping bag he had left on the kitchen counter. “Oh,” he said, and reached inside. He pulled out the contents.

“Red, white, and champagne.”

“Ah,” Justin said, “our national colors.”

Brian smirked and kissed Justin’s forehead before putting the white wine and champagne in the refrigerator. Justin was only looking out of the corner of his eye, but he could see Brian bending over slowly, seductively. Bastard. He knew how much Justin wanted it, but it would have to wait.

“Dad?” Gus was trotting into the kitchen. Jerking up, Brian hit his head on the top of the refrigerator.

“Ow!” He yelled, his hand slapping up to the sore spot; Justin winced. Gus continued.

“Dad?”

“What is it, Gus?”

“Why am I doing Thanksgiving again? I did it already yesterday with my moms, and Nana, and Michael, and Ben, and-”

“Because, Gus,” Brian cut him off before the laundry list could continue, “we’re having it tonight with Jennifer and Justin’s sister, Molly, and Justin’s old friend Daphne.”

“Do you remember Daphne?” Justin added offhandedly.

Shrugging, Gus said, “kinda.”

“Well, you’ll get to reintroduce yourself. Now come on, Sonny Boy, help me set the table.”

Half an hour later, the trio was playing a quick-paced and exhilarating game of “go fish!” when the doorbell rang. Placing his cards face down on the coffee table, Brian stood and stretched. As his arms extended far above his shoulders, his shirt rode up slightly and Justin could see his perfectly tanned skin. He smirked to himself and watched his lover’s walk as he went to buzz in the first of their guests.

“You’re not gonna see who it is?” Justin asked, noticing that Brian had neglected to use the intercom.

Brian shrugged. “Nah. You know how I love surprises.”

Another two minutes passed before there was a knock on the door. Brian pulled back the heavy, metal barrier to reveal a beautiful, young, mocha-skinned woman standing impatiently on the other side of the threshold. She looked past Brian and into the loft. When her eyes fell upon Justin, she squealed at the top of her lungs and bolted inside. Justin leaped from his spot at the coffee table to accept Daphne into his arms.

“Daphne!!!”

“Justin!!!”

“Oh my God, Daph!”

“Justin! Justin!”

“Brian...” the ad exec mumbled to himself just to be ignored.

“Daphne, you look-!”

“You too! You too!”

The pair was now bouncing up and down, looking very much to Brian like the giddy schoolgirls they were when he met them. He rolled his eyes though he enjoyed the view of Justin and Daphne’s reunion. He had always liked Daphne, and it had been almost five months since they had all seen each other last. Brian had business to be taken care of in New York, so Justin came along for the ride and stopped by to visit his longtime friend. Brian and Justin finally got to meet “The Eric,” as they had so named him. Daphne didn’t know about this, but by the way she talked about her boyfriend, he seemed more like a deity that a guy she had met in Starbucks.

“Daphne,” Brian finally said once she and Justin began to let go of each other. “It’s great to see you.” He stepped forward and kissed her forehead. “You look hot.”

She blushed as usual but her response was brand new. “That one won’t work on me anymore, Brian, you’re gonna have to get a new line.”

He remembered why he liked her so much. “I’ll think of something.” His eyes traveled over to the boy who was practically cowering by the sofa.

“Daphne, you remember my son, Gus?”

She turned around and stared at the child in disbelief. “Holy crap! He’s grown three feet since last time I saw him.”

“Only two,” Justin informed her, his bright, broad smile never leaving his face.

“Gus, say ‘hello,’” Brian instructed his son.

He waved bashfully. “Hi.”

“Hey there, kiddo,” Daphne said excitedly. She couldn’t believe that this was the same baby boy she had seen on Liberty Avenue nine years ago. Unable to move her eyes away, Daphne marveled at Brian Kinney’s carbon copy. His posture, his hair, the shape of his face, and those eyes. Those rich, hazel eyes that seemed to seep right through you. This kid was gonna be one hell of a lady-killer. Or guy-killer. Daphne supposed it was too early to tell.

“So who else is coming?” Daphne asked, finally taking off her coat and handing it to Justin.

“Just my mom and Molly.”

Smiling, Daphne said, “I can’t believe your brat little sister is in college. Seems like only yesterday she was barging into your room while you were painting my toenails pink.”

Brian laughed out loud. “You did what?”

Justin turned bright red. “Daph...”

“What? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. At least you didn’t let me paint your nails pink. Well, except that one time...”

“Daphne!”

“...what with all the weed that we were-”

“Liar!”

Brian was laughing too hard to speak, and Justin turned to him, tossing Daphne’s coat onto the couch so that he could talk emphatically with his hands.

“She’s lying!”

Brian stepped forward past Justin and gave Daphne a tight squeeze. “Now I know why I missed you so much.”

Laughing, she hugged Brian back. “That line is much, much better.”

A few minutes later Molly and Jennifer arrived. There were tears and squeals and sighs of excitement from all.

“So, how come John couldn’t come?” Brian asked Jennifer as she handed him mashed sweet potatoes, an assortment of cooked vegetables, stuffing, and other side dishes.

“Business. He had to fly out to Chicago this morning.”

“On Thanksgiving?”

“Well, since technically Thanksgiving was yesterday, his firm decided that today was fair game for him to take care of whatever it was. Can you believe it?”

“Sadly, yes,” Brian lamented. He was sorry that Jennifer’s husband couldn’t come. Though it took Justin quite a bit longer to warm up to John, he and Brian had hit it off immediately when they met two years ago. Brian liked to think that this was somewhat responsible for Justin’s eventually allowing another man into his and his mother’s life. But Brian never pushed it. He understood how difficult it must have been for Justin to open up to that sort of father-figure after his own had been such a dud. Slowly, however, Justin’s tolerance of the man progressed into acceptance and eventually into a sort of relationship. The wedding took place six months ago. It was a small affair with only the closest of family and friends.

Once the sides were in the oven to be kept warm, Brian opened the first bottle of wine as Jennifer taught her son how to carve a turkey. They were as alone as two people could be in the kitchen, and Jennifer felt her eyes filling with tears as she watched her son work at his masterpiece.

Glancing up at his mother, Justin saw the wetness accumulating in her eyes. “What? What’s wrong?”

Jennifer choked a laugh and wiped her eyes. “Oh, nothing. Not wrong, just... emotional. It’s been too long since I’ve had both my babies in the same room, that’s all.”

Justin smiled. “Hardly babies, Mom.”

“I know, I know. That’s part of what makes it so sad for me. My children are all grown up. Soon Molly will be living on her own full-time, and you haven’t lived with me since you were about seventeen.”

Justin put down the carving knife and wiped his hands. “I know I put you through a lot of shit, especially when I was seventeen.”

“It wasn’t like it was all your fault. You were in a hard situation, but you handled it well. Really well. You turned out pretty good.”

Justin kissed his mother’s forehead. “So did you, Mom. I don’t think I tell you this enough, but I know how you’ve always just wanted what’s best for me. And that you always love me. I really appreciate what you’ve done for me, the sacrifices you made.”

“I don’t regret a single thing, Justin. You and Molly are my world. I got the two most wonderful, loving kids that God could have possibly given me. I never wanted anything more.”

Her hand rested on his cheek, and her thumb tenderly caressed the soft skin. “And now... Now I’m gonna be a grandma.”

“Never thought you’d see the day, huh?”

Jennifer shrugged. “Probably not,” she answered honestly. “But you are going to be such a great dad. Christ, I remember when Molly was born... how you would dote and fawn on her.”

“I remember.” Justin grinned as he went back to carving.

“I’m just glad that you’re living a full life, you know? You never let any of the bullshit stand in your way. You have a great career, soon a baby, a... well... forgive me, husband, so to speak.”

“Husband, huh? Don’t let Brian here you say that.”

“You know what I mean,” Jennifer said, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, I know.”

“And I never thought I’d say this, but I’m so happy that you found Brian, and he’s damn lucky to have found you.”

“Really?” Justin asked, and his eyes traveled across the loft to his lover. Brian was sitting on the couch, talking to Molly and Daphne. Though he was looking at Brian’s back, Justin could see Gus sitting on his father’s lap. His head was leaning back and resting against Brian’s shoulder as he listened indifferently to the conversation taking place around him.

“Of course,” Jennifer said, pulling her son’s attention back to her. “Very few people can say that they’ve been with or are with the person who they love more than themselves. But you and Brian have so much love and passion... I couldn’t have asked for anything more for you.”

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” Justin mused. “I mean, considering how you felt about Brian when we first met.”

“You were a teenager, Justin. Can you imagine your sister with a thirty year old?”

Justin shivered at the thought and said nothing.

“But I suppose I understand better now how you must have felt. I mean, considering how you felt about John when we started dating...”

“I know I was a brat, Mom, no need to remind me.”

“Just making a comparison,” she told him.

“Well, maybe I was just reacting to your first choice in spouse, you know? We saw how well that turned out.”

“Oh, Justin...”

“Sorry,” Justin apologized quickly when he saw how this upset his mother. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just... I guess I’ll just never understand how you and Dad ended up together, considered how you broke up.”

“You may not remember this, but our marriage wasn’t always like that. There was a very long period of time when we were happy. When all of us were happy.”

“Yeah, and then I had to admit that I’m a fag and it all went to hell.”

“Don’t say things like that. Christ, I never thought I’d have to be explaining this to a twenty-six year old but my divorce from your father was not your fault. Yes, situations that you were involved in resulted in my learning things about him that I had never known, but I’d say we’re all the better for it. Wouldn’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess I would.”

“Anyway, that feels like another life at this point.”

“I know what you mean,” Justin agreed, ready to move on. He looked down at the turkey, now in pieces, and smiled. “Okay, it’s done.”

“Beautiful, honey.”

Justin carried over his edible art and called everyone to the table. Once everybody was seated, Brian gave a brief toast. It wasn’t highly emotional or meaningful, just a few words for the sake of tradition. But wasn’t that how Brian handled almost everything?

“This is great, Jus,” Molly said as she swallowed another big bite of turkey. “Really, awesome.”

“We’re very proud of our boy,” Brian answered, his hand rubbing the back of Justin’s neck before he had the chance to respond.

Rolling his eyes, Justin replied to his sister. “Thanks, Molly.”

“I’m done,” Gus suddenly announced, mostly to his father.

Brian smiled and looked at his son’s plate, which was entirely clean except for the small portion covered by the only vegetable that Brian and Justin had somehow managed onto his plate.

“Gus, take at least one bite of brussel sprouts, please.”

Gus looked shocked and appalled that his father would ask such a thing of him. “I don’t want to. I hate them.”

“Well I doubt that they’re so fond of you, seeing as how you’ll be eating them soon.”

Crossing his arms petulantly, he shook his head. “No. I don’t want them.”

“Gus, listen to your dad,” Justin insisted, figuring Brian could do with the backup. Jennifer had to use her napkin to cover her amused smile. Gus, seeing that he was waging a war that he would not win with two dads staring him down, picked up his fork and violently stabbed a sprout. He shoved it into his mouth and made of point of his chewing and swallowing.

Patting his head, Brian said, “good boy, Gus.”

“So, Gus,” Jennifer addressed the child, “how has school been going?”

“Yeah,” Daphne became quickly interested in this line of questioning, “you’re in- what?- fourth grade now, huh?”

Gus nodded. “Yeah. It’s going pretty good.”

“That’s good. What are you learning about?” Jennifer continued the inquisition, seeing as how he liked the attention.

“I dunno... math, science, reading...”

“Oh? And what is your favorite subject?”

“Art. Definitely art.”

“Hmm... Just like Justin. He loved art, even as a little boy. I still have some of his work from grade school.”

Gus seemed intrigued by this bit of information. “You mean, when Justin was my age?”

Jennifer nodded.

“Wow. That must be really old then.”

Brian laughed out loud. He couldn’t resist. He grabbed his boy’s face and kissed him roughly on the forehead. “I couldn’t have said it better myself, Sonny Boy.”

Justin narrowed his eyes and backhanded Brian’s shoulder. Before he could get in a quick comeback, Brian said, “Just let me enjoy this, will you, Sunshine?”

So Justin let it slide. “Fine. But just this once.”

“Jennifer, could I ask you something, too?”

“Sure. Anything, Sweetie.”

“Am I related to you?”

There was sudden silence; no one was expecting that.

“What do you mean, Gus?” Oh, stupid, stupid response.

“I mean... it just kinda confuses me. If me and the new baby have the same birth mom, but different dads, and you’re the mom of one of the dads, but the dads are sort of like married people...” Brian watched his son’s face as he tried to work this out. Tried to talk through his confusion.

“Anyway, I just feel like there should be some sort of... I don’t know. Are you like, my grandma, too?”

Jennifer knew how she felt about Gus. How in the past four or five years he had become what she imagined having a grandchild would be like. It was so much easier just feeling it than describing it.

“This is very hard to explain, Gus. We’re not related by blood, no, or paperwork, really. But I’ve learned that those things really don’t matter much. I love my son. Justin and your dad both love each other very much. And I know that they also adore you, and so do I, so even if your mom weren’t having another baby, we’d be tied together by something very powerful. Do you... does that make sense to you?”

“So...” Gus was taking this in, trying to make sense of all the words. “So... you’re like... my grandma by love?”

Justin watched his mother smile and nod. “I think that’s exactly what I am, Gus. I couldn’t have put it better myself.”

Justin then glanced at Brian, who was looking at Jennifer with a sort of admiration that Justin had never before seen in his lover’s eyes. Moments like these reminded Justin of just how much had changed in his life in what should seem like a very short time. It had taken so much heartache and blood and tears to get where they were. To be the sort of strange family that they were. It made him feel more significant. He had meaning in these people’s lives, people who had somehow, by some unbelievably lucky chance, come to depend on him. That made all the difference.  



	15. Heated

“One bacon cheeseburger with fries and onion rings, and one turkey, lettuce, and tomato wrap with potato chips,” Deb announced the meals brightly while smacking her gum. “You boys want me to get you some more sodas?”

Pouring ketchup onto his plate, Justin nodded. “That’d be great, Deb, thanks.”

“Be right back.”

The boys had been working late, and it was after ten when they finally reached the diner for dinner; so Justin- of course- was starving. Brian watched Justin as he pressed his burger together just so he could fit it into his mouth. The boy was talented, and no one knew better than Brian, but this thing was enormous. Gargantuan, even.

“I hate you,” Brian said.

“No you don’t,” Justin said without looking up. And with a mouth full of burger, he added, “you love me.”

“No. I could never love someone with your metabolism.” Justin laughed; Brian sighed. “It just isn’t fair.”

“Well, not everyone can have a cock as beautiful as yours.”

Brian considered this. “True.”

“Consider it nature’s way of balancing the universe. Or something like that.”

“Speaking of nature,” Deb said as she worked her way back over to the table and into the conversation, “how’s Lindsay doing?”

“What the fuck kind of segue is that?” Brian asked, popping a chip into his mouth.

“You know, I could’ve left out the segue and just rudely barged my way into your conversation.”

Smirking at Brian, Justin waited for his snarky response that never came. But he was holding back and said nothing.

“So as I was asking, how is the mother-to-be?”

“She’s doing great,” Justin told her. “She’s healthy, the baby’s healthy. Really, really great.”

“And the father-to-be?”

“You mean aside from the morning sickness and backaches?”

Deb gave him a playful smack on the back of the head. “Fuck, another Kinney. Last time I checked there was only room for one.”

Justin choked a laugh. “I’m doing fine. Excited, nervous, but really okay.”

“Are you going to find out the sex?”

Justin shook his head. “Nah. I didn’t care either way, and Mel and Linds decided to have it be a surprise like the others.”

“Well, boy or girl, I expect this one to be calling me Nana, too. Understand?”

“Of course, Deb.”

“That’s my boy,” she beamed and kissed Justin on the forehead, leaving a bright red lipstick mark on his fair skin. Chuckling, Brian dipped his napkin in water and attempted to remove the Debbie’s hallmark. There was some success, though a smudge of red remained on his skin. Deb watched the ordeal in amazement; still, after all these years, she was shocked whenever she saw Brian acting so... domesticated.

“Christ, so when are you two gonna have a kid already?” She asked with a laugh before walking away to serve the other customers.

Fuck.

Brian saw the look on Justin’s face. It was there only for a brief moment, but he saw it nonetheless. It was a look of hope, hope that maybe Deb’s sarcastic comment hadn’t been sarcastic after all. That maybe Brian had been thinking the same thing. Brian could tell that Justin was considering, or had at least considered it. Fortunately, Justin seemed to be pushing it to the back of his mind as he went back to devouring his burger. But Brian knew better. He knew that it wasn’t over. Deb just set the stage for a conversation he was hoping they would never have to have, one that should have simply gone without saying.

The ride home was silent. A painful silence, one that would only end badly. It was like when he was little- well, not Brian himself- but when most little children were little they would play a game where at some point their mothers would say that someone would get hurt. Someone was going to end up in tears. Had he been warned about such games as a child, Brian could have spared himself, not to mention the people who he loved, a lot of heartache. No point in dwelling on it now. He was just going to have to face the fact that though Justin wasn’t speaking, there must have been a thousand words going a million miles a minute inside of his head. He stared blankly out the window at nothing, but it was too dark to see anything. The obscurity was overwhelming.

Brian parked the car and turned it off, but neither of the men moved despite their arrival back at the loft. Brian wanted to grab Justin and shake the insanity out of him, the delusions that were running across his brain. But violence wasn’t really the answer Brian was looking for, just something drastic.

As Brian motioned to open his door, Justin broke the long silence before his lover could escape. “So what Debbie said...” Justin paused, he was waiting for a reaction. He watched Brian with steady eyes, but Brian said nothing, so he continued. “It was weird, huh?”

“Yeah,” Brian agreed, hearing the doubt in the younger man’s voice, knowing that Justin too was apprehensive of the conversation about to take place.

“But I mean, it’s not like we’ve ever really talked about it-”

“I’ve never even really thought about it,” Brian said, cutting him off. Maybe Justin would take the hint. He just looked hurt.

Fuck.

“Never? You’ve never even thought about it?”

Figuring blunt was the best approach, Brian answered honestly. “No. Never.” And here it comes, he had to ask. “Why? Have you?”

Justin bobbed his head from side to side. “Yeah. A little. Not seriously but not like it was completely out of the question.”

Brian wanted so badly to just run away, to leap from the car and run a thousand miles to the other side of the country, maybe even the other side of the planet. Instead, he slowly, calmly got out of the car, opting to pretend like he didn’t even hear Justin’s last words.

“Are you listening to me?” Justin asked as he followed Brian to the front door.

Stopping in front of the door, Brian fumbled with his keys and addressed Justin absently. “Look, could we not do this right now?”

Justin crossed him arms. “Do what? What the fuck am I doing wrong now?”

Brian, feeling brave, finally decided to look at his partner. “What the hell are you getting so angry about?”

“Just answer the question.”

“Which was...”

“What am I doing wrong now?”

“Nothing. I didn’t say you were doing anything wrong.”

“You didn’t have to.”

Brian hated how well Justin knew him with the kind of affection that tore him up inside. “I just don’t feel like having this discussion here, with you, in the middle of the street, at after eleven o’clock at night. I’ve had a long day.”

“And I haven’t?”

“You know that’s not the point.”

“Fine then. Let’s skip the conversation. I don’t think a discussion is necessary. Just tell me, right here, right now: you would never want to have children with me.”

“Justin-”

“That the thought has never even crossed your conceited, self-centered mind.”

“Justin.”

“Because God forbid we should actually share anything that actually matters in our goddamn lives.”

“Justin! Fucking... Just get the fuck off of my back.. I don’t want to talk about this right now!”

Both men were yelling; both men were furious.

“Of course you don’t, Brian. You never want to talk about anything. Not anything that matters to me anyway. Just let me know when you’re ready to talk if that day ever comes. Because that’s the only time we ever talk, whenever you feel like. Whenever it’s convenient for you. Whenever you have nothing to lose.”

“Enough. I don’t need to take this kind of shit from you. I’m going upstairs.”

Brian stormed through the door, Justin following in a huff. Brian took the elevator and left the door open for Justin, who opted for the stairs. In the two minutes that it would have taken the elevator to rise three stories, in that small space, alone together, Brian and Justin might have killed each other.

Dropping the car keys onto the kitchen counter, Brian sighed. What the fuck just happened? What had he gotten himself into? He looked up and saw Justin wordlessly storming about the loft. Stripping down to his underwear, Justin changed into a pair of pajama pants before grabbing his pillow and an extra blanket and dragging them to the couch.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Going to sleep.” Monotone. Brian knew he was in deep shit now.

“On the couch?”

Justin said nothing but answered with his plopping heavily onto the sofa and lying down, tugging the blanket over his body. Brian, for once, knew better than to argue. As he began to feel the exhaustion of the fight taking him over, Brian decided that he might as well try to get some sleep. He undressed and slid his naked body under the covers. He looked to see if Justin were watching. Of course not.

Brian hated to admit it, but he couldn’t stand sleeping alone. It took him a long time to become accustomed the feeling of another warm body in the bed beside him. But now without it, the bed felt empty. Brian hated empty, so he decided to try again.

“Justin?”

No response.

“Hey, Justin.”

“What?”

“Come to bed, would you?”

“I’m sleeping here. I can’t be in bed with you right now.”

“Oh come on.”

“I mean it, Brian. Just let me be, okay?”

“Would you stop being such a fucking little twat and just get into bed?”

Justin shot up, his eyes narrowed and his cheeks flushed an angry shade of red. He said nothing, got off the couch, and began to rage around the loft. His movements were quick, puctuated, Brian missed him if he blinked. First he put on a shirt, then grabbed a backpack, which he filled with a few articles of clothing. As he looked for his shoes, he seemed completely lost. So was Brian.

“Where the fuck are you going.”

Justin stopped and looked up. He stared at Brian like he had never seen him before and yet knew him better than Brian knew himself. He looked seventeen again, like the night Brian found him on Liberty Avenue.

“You know, Brian, some things never change.”

“What does that mean?”

Justin began pacing again as he grabbed a few other items: toothbrush, hairbrush, deodorant.

“You say you respect me, you don’t respect me.”

“What’re you-”

Standing over Brian, Justin was at the end of the bed now. It was the first time since they had met that Brian ever felt intimidated by his lover. He hoped it would be the last.

“You say we’re partners, we’re not partners.”

“We are. I am your partner.”

“Yeah, well I sure as fuck am not yours. This isn’t partnership.”

Brian wished he knew what to say to that. “So what else you got?” He asked, testing Justin, wanting to see just how far he would go.

Brian could tell that Justin was choking back tears when he said, “you say that you love me. You don’t love me. Sometimes... sometimes I wonder... if you even know how.”

With that Justin turned around, walked out of the bedroom, past the kitchen, and out of the loft, shutting the door definitively behind him.  



	16. Old Habits

Brian was smoking in bed.

Fuck- Justin would kill him if he knew.

Well fuck Justin. He was the one who walked out. Not Brian, he never walked out on Justin. Never. At least not in the ways that Justin had. In retrospect, Brian knew that the ways in which he had turned his back were a thousand times worse than any fiddler that Justin was fucking. Christ, Brian wanted to smack himself for allowing the Ethan fiasco to pop into his head once again.

Pathetic.

He could feel the heat of the cigarette warming his lips as it burned to the butt. Almost as fast as he put out the old one, Brian had a new one lit and pressed between his lips. He had already lost count of how many he had smoked in the hour and thirty-seven minutes since Justin walked out- stormed out of the loft. How pitiful was he? Not only was he smoking about ten times the amount of cigarettes that he had in the past two weeks, but he was upset just knowing that he was breaking a rule and giving Justin yet another reason to be hating him.

After the cancer and the two men had agreed to cut back, they also made rules as to when and where is was appropriate to smoke. Brian fought for the bed, pleaded for the bed. How could Justin say no to a cigarette after sex? But Justin stood his ground, insisting that it was a disgusting habit as it was and they could at least keep their bed free of the ash and the smell. Especially once Gus started making regular appearances at the loft for days at a time. As Brian thought of all this, of the exact moment when he realized that he had lost and there would be no more smoking in bed, he flicked the ashes onto the duvet.

That’ll teach him to walk out.

Staring at the ceiling and puffing on a cigarette, Brian debated whether he was angrier at himself or Justin. Justin should know better, he should know by now that a child was just not in the cards for them. But Brian should have been more sensitive to Justin; he should have been a better listener. He shouldn’t have mocked him or berated him for wanting to have a goddamn discussion. Wasn’t he supposed to be the grown up in this relationship? By now, weren’t they both?

Brian sat up and put out the cigarette even though it was only half done. He watched as the smoke curled upward, making beautiful swirling patterns that only cigarette smoke could. His breathing was heavy and anxious, the bed felt too big. He thought it might swallow him whole. Brushing himself off, Brian climbed out of the bed and decided that- fuck it- if Justin could storm out of the loft, then so could he. Granted it wouldn’t have quite the same effect as Justin’s dramatic exit, but right now, who was holding him back?

It didn’t take him long to change into something more appropriate for going out because frankly, he didn’t care what he looked like, which scared him a little bit. He just needed to be out of their home simply because it was theirs. For now anyway. Brian did a quick run in front of the mirror and was satisfied- to say the least- with what he saw. Checking his pants for the essentials, he noticed that though his wallet was still secure in his back pocket, the keys were nowhere to be found. He retraced his steps in his mind and remembered throwing them onto the island. When he got to the destination, the item in question was gone. That’s when he remembered Justin’s path out of the loft. As Justin had walked by the counter his hand shot out quickly, and now Brian realized why.

“Son of a bitch,” he said aloud, slightly amused but most furious. “He took my fucking car.” Brian didn’t have the energy nor the will to call a cab, and he sure as fuck wasn’t going to call Justin. Rather than circumvent the barriers of the situation, Brian resigned to taking off his clothes and crawling back into bed.

Alone. Lonely without Justin. And how he hated Justin for it.

~*~

Justin felt seventeen again as he banged his fist against the front door of the all-too-familiar house. Impatiently he waited for one of its two occupants to open the door; it was late and cold and the patience that had been fueling Justin had been burned up by Brian. He just wanted to be inside and curl up in his old bed.

Carl opened the door and looked less surprised than Justin would have thought. “Justin? What’re you doing here?”

Justin didn’t think he would feel embarrassed. Nine years ago he had no problem asking to barge into to other people’s homes; it had become a sort of second nature. But now, at twenty-six going on twenty-seven, his age seemed to be catching up with him.

“I... do you mind if I come in?”

Carl opened to door all the way and shook his head. “Of course not. Is everything okay? It is Brian?”

Justin snorted a bitter laugh. “Isn’t it always?”

As Justin walked into the living room, Debbie came walking down the stairs, pulling a bathrobe around her. She squinted a bit in Justin’s direction, and he smiled bashfully back at her.

“Christ, Sunshine, it’s past midnight. What’s going on?”

Bite the bullet, Taylor. “I’m really sorry to be doing this, but I was wondering if I could stay the night.”

Debbie’s face changed from a look of worry to one of recognition. “What did he do now?”

Justin looked away; he hated how obvious it all was. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he murmured.

Debbie crossed her arms, and Justin prayed that for once she wouldn’t pry. For once, she didn’t. “Well of course you can stay here! That all right with you, Carl?”

The retired detective nodded. “Yeah, sure.” Justin thought that he might be annoyed, but he just seemed concerned. Sometimes he didn’t give Carl enough credit.

“Great, thank you guys so much,” Justin said and jogged up the stairs to the guest room, what used to be his room. Sighing, he dropped his bag onto the floor next to the desk before flopping onto the bed. He breathed in deep; it didn’t smell the same. After so many years of lacking full-time occupancy, it smelled neutral. Justin found this unsettling.

Justin kicked off his shoes and was about to change when he remembered that he was still wearing his pajama pants. He was tired from a long day at work, plus the excruciating exhaustion of his blow-out with Brian. He kept replaying it in his head, the things that Brian had said to him, the dismissive and condescending way in which Brian had said them. Then he would think of the things he said to Brian: cruel things, hurtful things. He felt his throat closing up and his heart beating faster as he couldn’t help but wonder: is this it? Would this be the one to end them? Would this be the one that finally ruined what they had both worked so hard to build? The thought was terrifying, so Justin didn’t bother getting into bed. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep.

It hadn’t only been ten minutes since his arrival, but when Justin left the guest room, all the lights had been turned out. All but one. As he approached the stairs, Justin could see the glow coming from the kitchen, just where he was heading.

Deb was bustling about the kitchen. A tray with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk sat on the table. Clearing his throat to announce his presence, Justin walked into the room, and Debbie turned around.

“Oh hey, Sunshine. I was just about to bring this up.”

He laughed. Always the mother. “That’s sweet, Deb,” he said as he took a seat at the table. “But I think I could use something a little bit harder than milk.”

Debbie smirked. “I think we can arrange that,” she said and reached into the freezer to pull out a bottle of vodka. “On the rocks?”

Justin nodded. “Yeah. That’d be great.”

The off-duty waitress set up two glass and poured a generous amount into both. She didn’t bother putting the bottle away, knowing that chances were at least one of the glasses would need refilling. Justin picked up his glass and took a sip of the foul liquid. He forced himself not to flinch at the burn of its passing over his lips and tongue and down his throat. With his free hand he picked up a cookie and began to munch on it. Busy concentrating on his consumption of comfort comestibles, Justin hadn’t noticed that Debbie was watching him.

“What?”

Grinning, she shook her head. “It’s nothing, Justin.”

“Deb?”

“It’s just... aren’t you getting a bit old for this?”

Justin nodded. “Yes. It’s disgusting.”

“Did I say that?” Deb asked, shaking her head. “I just mean that you were about the last person I expected at my door. You haven’t come running here in the middle of the night since you were- what?- eighteen? I’m just a bit surprised is all.”

“I am too old for this. I’m supposed to be a grown up, but no one knows how to make me feel like more of a child than Brian. He knows just what to say to- fuck,” Justin couldn’t find the words. He took another, longer sip of his drink.

“It’s his way,” Debbie grumbled, rolling her eyes. “But I suppose we all learn to live with it.”

Justin shook his head. “No,” he said firmly, “I don’t want to just deal with it. I’m fucking done with it. I thought we were done with this shit, with him treating me like some little kid. I sure as hell know I won’t let him anymore. I can’t let him anymore, because if I do, it will never stop.”

“You’re absolutely right,” Debbie agreed, taking his hands in her own. “You’re a man, and he needs to treat you that way.”

“I know I’m right, but that doesn’t mean I’m not terrified of what could happen if I finally tell him enough is enough, you know? What if I leave him?”

“You won’t leave him if it’s not what you want.”

“But what if I have to?”

Debbie considered this for a long time. The silence had begun to scare Justin when finally she said, “You’ll do what you have to do for you. And you’ll survive.”

“I love him like... I love him so much,” Justin’s voice was barely a whisper.

“I know you do. And he loves you too.”

“And then we say these fucking awful things to each other. Things that I know will just kill him to hear because I want him to hurt. I want him to be as hurt as I am.”

“That’s how you know it’s for real, Sunshine,” Debbie said with a sigh. “When you can hurt each other that much.”

“I didn’t always love him, you know. Everybody thinks I did, but I know better now.”

“Oh? So when was it love for you, then?”

“I’m not sure. I just know that it wasn’t love when I first met him. I was just a kid. I was young and naïve and he was so beautiful and powerful. I thought I loved him because he took something from me that I could never, ever get back. The first night I met him I gave him a part of me that I will never have again.”

“Is that why you feel like you have to be with him?”

“I don’t. I want to be with him,” Justin found that this was a lot harder to put into words than he had expected. But it was cathartic just to say it. “I think what scares me is that he has a part of me that he’ll always have no matter what, and I own nothing of him. There’s no little part of him that’s just mine. I think that’s what this whole fight was about in the first place.”

“If you don’t mind my asking, what fight was this exactly?”

Justin sighed. It seemed ridiculous now, but at the time, it felt like the world would spin off of its axis. “It was about children. About the possibility- or from Brian’s perspective- the non-possibility of us having or raising a child together.”

“Is that because of what I said because I never meant to-”

Justin could hear the guilt and tension in Debbie’s voice as she struggled to make an apology. He held up his hand and shook his head. No apology was necessary. This wasn’t about her or what she had said. Justin figured that this- whatever this was about- would have happened eventually anyway. It was only a matter of time.

“I think I made the kid thing bigger than I should have. Yeah, I’ve thought about raising a child that was mine, but I knew better. So I never really expected it, and never allowed myself to really want it. What I want- what I’m afraid of is that if we were to be over tomorrow, I feel like I would have nothing to show for it. Like nine years of my life would have meant nothing. I want-” Justin took a deep breath and considered this. What did he want? “Fuck. I don’t know what I want.”

Debbie, for one of the few times in her life, was at a loss for words. Watching the pained expression on Justin’s delicate features, it broke her heart. She wanted to be angry with Brian, to hate him for making him hurt. But for some reason, she couldn’t find the fault in either of them, at least from what she had heard. That was the problem with these May-December romances; it was why Michael and David had broken up. Even though they had both been adults, they were at different points in their lives. Ninety-nine percent of the time, Justin and Brian seemed so in sync with each other, like they had been in this dance for a thousand years. Then every so often was the difficult reminder that Justin still had a whole lot of living to do, a whole lot of catching up. But in this case, it seemed like Brian was the one lagging behind.  



	17. Strike Two

Monday rolled around, and Justin found himself back in the office. It had been two days since his blowout with Brian, and two days since they had spoken. He sat at his desk with his stomach tied in a knot. He had barely eaten over the weekend despite Debbie’s attempt to force feed him. He hated how Brian could do this two him, make him physically sick. The tightness in his stomach spread through his chest and throat out to his fingers. All he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and disappear until this feeling went away. Unfortunately, life went on despite his battered heart.

Justin was starting to think that maybe he had gotten lucky. He knew Brian was in his office, but it was one o’clock and so far he hadn’t ventured out into the rest of the building. But part of him was scared by this. Was it because Brian didn’t want to see him so badly? Had what he said hurt him or offended him so much that he just didn’t care? Realizing that it was completely beyond his control, Justin decided to just get back to work.

When Justin saw that the intercom light was flashing on his phone, his breath caught in his throat.

“Hello?”

“Jus? Cynthia.”

“Oh hey.”

“You busy?”

“Not too much. Working but... why?”

“Brian wants to see you in his office. Now.”

~*~

Brian wasn’t much of a pacer. Only in the most extreme of circumstances. When he found out about Ethan, when he lost one-hundred thousand dollars, when he was deciding whether or not to get a ball removed, when Gus had broken his arm playing soccer two years ago...

Okay, so maybe he was a bit of a pacer.

He didn’t like it though. There were a lot of things that he knew he was that he didn’t like or didn’t want to admit: a liar, a coward, an idiot. He hated the feeling of being idle or- in this case- helpless to the circumstances of his situation. He wasn’t about to throw himself at Justin, who was less than a thirty second walk away. Because he had to stand his ground, Brian stiffened his spine and swore that he wouldn’t falter. No matter how much he just wanted to put it all behind him, the issue at hand- children- was too important That is, if that were the issue at all.

So pacing back and forth across his gaudy office, Brian’s eyes constantly flashed to the door where he hoped to see a certain blonde running through. But Justin never came; he was too proud for that.

They both were.

It would be so easy if Justin were still so willing to throw himself at Brian. If Brian didn’t have to actually work at maintaining a homeostasis in their relationship. Relationship. Was that even the word? After all these years, four of which had been completely monogamous, Brian still had a hard time labeling what he and Justin were as being in a relationship. Whatever it was, it seemed to transcend titles and classifications. It was just- them. Brian and Justin. Wasn’t that enough?

What Brian found had been the hardest for the past two days was no so much that he and Justin had fought, but that they hadn’t spoken since Justin stormed out. Part of it, Brian knew, was that he couldn’t stand Justin’s getting in the last, awful, knife-twisting word. Mostly, it was that Brian hated not talking to Justin. At least when they were screaming at each other there was some sort of communication, even if it wasn’t very effective. But the not talking- that gave Brian a sense of unnerving finality to their entire situation. And he couldn’t stand that because it terrified him.

Feeling as though he might have paced a hole into the ground, Brian stopped and walked over to his desk, collapsing into his fourteen-hundred dollar desk chair. It was then that Brian realized how unbelievably insane it was to spend so much money on a chair. He hated the things that he would fixate on- money, sex, image. He wondered what was wrong with him that he could never see the big picture, never understand what was really important until it was too late, or until he had to learn it the hard way.

Well- he was tired of making those same mistakes. Of letting his pride or his anger get in the way of what mattered. So even if screaming ensued, it was worth it to Brian to know that he tried to get back what was being torn away from him.

“Cynthia?” Brian said sternly into the intercom.

“Yeah?”

“Call Justin into my office. Now.”

~*~

“He wants to see me now?”

Justin could hear Cynthia laughing into the intercom. “Did I stutter?” She asked, and he could imagine the playful smile on her face.

“No. I just- wanted to- I’m going,” Justin’s tongue tripped over the simple words. His stomach felt like pterodactyls were beating their wings against the delicate walls. He felt as though his insides might collapse as he stood from his desk and made his way to Brian’s office.

For a few moments Justin stood outside, not completely sure that he wanted to enter. He knew Brian could see his silhouette through the frosted glass, and that he must look ridiculous to the rest of the office, but that didn’t matter. Not in the least. The fear of what might happen were he to enter was overwhelming. He thought Brian would explode- finish the conversation from a few nights before. Say all of the horrible things that he didn’t get a chance to get in; things that should be left unsaid.

But on the other hand- maybe he wanted to make up. Maybe he felt bad about being rash and insensitive, and he wanted to apologize. Though this was a possibility, Justin didn’t think it seemed likely. Still, he didn’t want to rule it out completely, it was a nice thought.

The least that Justin could do would be to remain calm. Speak his piece without blowing up. Not jump to conclusions. Try to be open-minded to Brian’s side of the argument, be sensitive to his feelings. Taking a deep, cleansing breath, Justin opened the door and walked into Brian’s office.

The moment he saw his older lover, all rational thoughts flew from Justin’s head as the anger and resentment he felt toward Brian rushed back. It was like the past two days hadn’t happened, that he hadn’t had time to cool off and think about what had passed. His body stiffened as his disposition became cold. Walking to the desk, Justin sat across from Brian before either of them had gotten in a word.

“You wanted to see me?” Justin asked with an eerie evenness that allowed Brian to know exactly how Justin felt. Taken aback by Justin’s hostile tone, Brian forgot all of his plans to try to repair what had been damaged. Now he had been offended, challenged. Justin had the audacity to walk into his office without the slightest sign of regret over what had transpired between them and the speak to Brian like- what?- an inferior. An equal- even- in his own office. Brian was infuriated but managed to remain calm.

Two can play at that game.

“Yes, I did.”

“Well?”

Brian had to force back the malicious smile that was tugging at the corners of his lips. “You took my car.”

“And?”

“I want it back.”

If Justin weren’t so determined to hold his ground, he though he might have vomited on Brian’s desk. So that was what this was all about. His fucking car.

“That’s nice.”

“I want it back, Taylor,” he said. Now he was just being cruel. “You can’t just steal my thirty-thousand dollar car.”

“Oh, that’s right,” Justin said with a forced laugh. “I forgot that we don’t share anything. And God forbid anything should happen to that car.”

“I want it back.”

“You said that already. What else you got?”

“What do you mean ‘what else’? I’m telling you to return my car.”

“And if I say no?”

Brian realized that he hadn’t thought of that. Quick, Kinney, quick. “I just want to make sure that you don’t forget that I have in my possession what must be worth well over thirty thousand dollars of art supplies, materials, original work, and computers at my loft.”

Brian felt twelve years old again. What was happening to them?

“Oh,” Justin said. “Your loft.”

Was that all he had heard? Brian wondered. Was that what really mattered right now?

“The loft. Whatever.”

Justin wondered if this was really what they were coming to. They sounded like his parents when they were going through the divorce. This wasn’t fair. This wasn’t supposed to be them. Brian promised years ago that they wouldn’t be like his parents.

“Well, I don’t give a fuck. Burn it all. I don’t need it. It’s just art.” Brian knew that Justin had the upper hand on that one. Brian could never destroy his work.

“This is so fucked, Justin,” he said. His voice had softened, and just when Justin thought that there might be a moment of progress, Brian asked, “why can’t you just give me back my car? I had to call a cab this morning. It was fucking annoying.”

Justin felt his head shaking back and forth, and it was as if he were perfectly still but the world was sliding back and forth all around him. Maybe he deserved this. Maybe Brian was just trying to prove him right- to show that he was loveless, which Justin knew he wasn’t- just to spite him for what he had said.

They both knew that this wasn’t what they wanted, but neither of them were willing to make it stop.

“I’m sorry you had to take a fucking cab, Brian. You’re life is just so difficult. I don’t even know how you stand it. What on earth compels you to get out of bed in the morning?”

Until today, Brian thought, it had been you.

“Look, I don’t want to talk about the car anymore since I’m obviously not winning this one right now. I just have one more thing to ask you.”

“Oh? What?”

“Where are you staying?”

Justin shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“What if I need to reach you?”

Justin couldn’t imagine for what. “I’ll have my cell phone on.”

“Fine. Do you think you’ll be back by Friday?”

“Why? What’s Friday.”

“I- we have Gus this weekend. I don’t know what I should tell him if you’re not there.”

“I don’t-” Fuck. Justin had completely forgotten about this being their weekend with Gus. This was so much more complicated than he thought it was- or would be.

“I don’t know.”

“Oh come on,” Brian coaxed unconvincingly, almost belligerently. “Haven’t you ever heard of staying together for the kids?”

Justin was out of the office before Brian had the chance to wish that he could take it back.


	18. More of the Same Old, Same Old

“So that’s why he stormed out of the office today, huh?” Ted clarified as he, Brian, and Michael rounded the corner onto Liberty Avenue.

“Pretty much,” Brian said nonchalantly. “And that’s why I have ten bucks on him calling in sick tomorrow.” Or just quitting.

“You actually made a bet on it?” Michael asked. Rolling his eyes, Brian kept walking without dignifying the question with a response.

“Right,” Michael said. “I was just kidding.”

“So yeah, that’s pretty much what happened. What’s happening.”

“You two are unbelievable,” Ted mumbled. Brian couldn’t argue with that. They had broken every rule, including most of the ones that they had made. Brian knew that he broke every one of his rules and standards for his partner. Possibly ex-partner. But Brian didn’t want to think that far ahead.

“So Ben’s at the diner already?” Brian asked though completely uninterested. At that point, any topic change would do.

Michael nodded. “Yeah. Originally he was gonna come with me when we met up with you but-”

“Oh shit.” Gasping the profanity and interrupting Michael, Brian stopped abruptly. Ted and Michael both stopped a few steps in front of him and looked back with perplexed expressions. Shooting a glance over his shoulder, Ted shrugged.

“What? What happened?”

“My car,” Brian muttered as he walked past them and to the classic Corvette that was parked fifteen feet away from where he had stopped. Michael watched as his friend ran his fingers tenderly over the hood of the car. The flesh connecting with the sleek metal exterior produced a slight squeaking sound, one Brian seemed ecstatic to hear. Crouching down, Brian made his way around the car to check for any signs of damage or mistreatment.

“How did your car get here?” Michael asked as he and Ted approached Brian.

“Justin,” he answered with disdain.

“Justin?” Ted asked. “He took your car?”

“Yeah. The other night, when he walked out, the little fucker stole my car. I haven’t seen it since, but she seems like she’s okay.”

Ted and Michael glanced at each other then back to Brian. To the untrained eye, it would appear as though he were truly concerned about the condition of his car. But to people who had known him forever, it was obvious that the last thing on his mind was the car, which was parked right outside the diner.

“You know, if you want, I could grab Ben and we could eat somewhere else,” Michael suggested.

The look that Brian directed at his best friend could freeze lava. “What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well... you know... if you don’t want to see Justin. That’s all.”

Brian felt his throat tightening because he didn’t. He didn’t want to see Justin looking at him like the asshole that he knew he was. He couldn’t bear anymore of that awful silence. Part of him was also becoming sick of the bratty, prepubescent behavior of his now adult lover. But Brian sure as hell wasn’t going to let Michael and Ted know that.

“He has the right to eat wherever the fuck he wants. I’m not gonna maneuver my entire life around him.” As if I already haven’t, he thought.

When they entered the diner, they saw Ben sitting in a booth with Justin seated across from him. Busy with their conversation, neither of them noticed that Michael, Brian, and Ted had arrived. Brian caught a groan in his throat as they approached the table and greeted the pair.

“Hey guys,” Michael said sheepishly.

Ben, who obviously hadn’t been told of the current situation between Brian and Justin, smiled and reached out to grab Michael’s hand. Pulling him gently into the seat, Ben kissed his husband’s neck, making Michael smile broadly.

“Hey there gorgeous,” Ben said under his breath, though all of them could hear it. Brian’s eyes locked with Justin’s for a fleeting moment before the blonde turned his gaze away and focused on nothing out the window. Brian continued to stare at Justin and couldn’t decide whether he was more angry or sorry. Part of him wished that Justin would just grab him and kiss him and make it all better. Then he remembered that he was hurt, and- though he could have said it better- felt that he was at least partly right.

As Ted took a seat next to Justin, Brian forced Ben and Michael over as he situated himself next to them in the booth. Ben stared at him questioningly, but Brian refused to acknowledge the eyes that he could feel on him. He tried, instead, to make conversation.

“I didn’t know you were gonna be here,” He said to Justin, part of him hoping that this would make him feel uncomfortable. On the spot, like Brian had felt a few nights before.

“I didn’t know you were coming,” he said coolly, too cool. “Is that a problem?”

“Fuck no,” Brian said. Too quickly, too forcefully. He was already falling apart.

“Good,” Justin said, eerily calm.

“So did you guys order yet?” Ted asked before the table got too quiet.

“No, we were waiting on you,” Ben explained. As he did, Justin picked up a menu and buried his face in it, even though he had memorized the thing years ago.

“Yeah, well, I’m starving,” Michael said as he watched his creative partner disappear behind the eighteen inch piece on laminated paper. Feeling choked between the tension that saturated the air separating Brian and Justin, Michael tried to remember another time in his life when he felt more awkward, more out of place. Nothing came to mind. At least it seemed like Brian was behaving.

“So I see you brought my car,” Brian said, his stare fixed on Justin. “I was starting to worry.”

Maybe Michael had thought too soon.

Justin brought the menu down with an earth-shattering slap against the table. “Is that all you fucking think about?” He voice was a pitch higher than normal, as if the air had been knocked from his lungs. His cheeks were flushing the shade of pink that they became whenever he was passionate about something; Brian loved that color.

“You know, I can’t even act surprised.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“You heard me!” Justin said a bit too loudly, not caring that people were starting to stare. “I can’t even pretend to be surprised that with all that’s going on here, all you can think about is the goddamn car.”

Justin started scooting out of the seat, completely forgetting that Ted was in the way. The accountant wasted no time in moving from the infuriated blonde’s path. As Justin scrambled to get out of the seat, he dug deep into his pockets. Grabbing the keys, he chucked them as hard as he could at Brian.

“There! I hope the two of you are very happy together!” He shouted. Now the whole restaurant was watching with bated breath as another chapter of the infamous Brian and Justin saga continued to unfold before their eyes.

Justin was standing in the middle of the diner, chest heaving, blue eyes fixed icily on Brian, who stared right back, though now his gaze had become uneasy. The keys were secure in his fist, but it didn’t help any. He knew what he really wanted to be holding.

“Justin...”

“Don’t! Whatever it is, I don’t want to hear it. I’m done with this bullshit. I’m not just some little teenaged twink that you can push around. Because guess what, Brian? The fucking car is insured. But this-” he paused and pointed to Brian, then back at himself, “you and me- we’re not. There’s no premium plan on us, so when that gets damaged, you’re not gonna be able to find some quick fix at a downtown auto shop. There is nothing holding us together. How is it that you don’t see that?”

Before Brian could think of a good comeback- if that was what he really wanted- Justin turned and left. For the first time in over twenty years, Brian heard was it was like for the diner to be dead silent. He then realized, more importantly, that this was the third time in under a week that Justin had walked out on him.

Strike three.

Something had to be done.

~*~

The familiar scent of sweat and alcohol and cum flooded Brian’s nose. The combination was instantly intoxicating, as was the hit of god-knows-what he took from whoever-the-fuck. His head was swimming; the flashing strobe lights, the beating music, the thumping dance floor. The vibrations traveled up though his feet to his stomach, to his lungs, and finally to his already spinning head. No wonder so many people passed out in this place, Brian remembered.

It had been while since his last visit to Babylon. And even longer since he had been there alone.

“Brian!” A familiar voice called out his name. Maybe not so alone.

Turning toward the bar, Brian saw Emmett waving furiously at him. Simon was beside his boyfriend, talking to the bartender. Though not quite as chatty as his better half, Simon was very personable, the kind of guy who made friends for life with the man sitting next to him on the subway. Not to mention he was hot as hell.

Brian reached the couple just as Simon turned around. Smiling, he propped his elbows up on the bar, causing his shirt to pull even tighter against his chest. Brian’s eyes lingered for a moment on the outline of his sculpted abs and chest before looking at Emmett, who was also enjoying the view. Despite his mood, Brian smiled. He couldn’t help but be happy for Emmett; he deserved and amazing guy like Simon. A guy who loved him back with as much enthusiasm and devotion as Emmett put into everything in his life.

Brian then remembered that Justin deserved that too. Shaking his head, he forced the thought away.

“So what are you doing here?” Emmett asked. “This isn’t really one of your usual haunts anymore.”

Brian shook his head, which made him slightly dizzy. “I guess I was feeling nostalgic,” he lied with a shrug.

“Where’s Justin?” Simon asked, grabbing his beer off the bar and taking a sip.

“Not here,” Brian said.

“Oh, so, do I get to make attached at the hip jokes now?” Emmett asked, recalling Brian’s constant teasing of his and Simon’s perpetual togetherness.

“I really wish you wouldn’t,” he said.

“You mean you finally show up somewhere without your boyfriend and I-”

“Don’t fucking call him that!” Brian snapped, slurring slightly and startling Emmett. Simon looked at him with that protective “don’t-yell-at-my-boyfriend” look. But Brian didn’t care. He knew that Emmett couldn’t possibly know what was going on, or why he was so upset. That didn’t matter.

“Why the fuck not?” Emmett asked, immediately picking up on the seriousness of the situation. “Brian, did something happened?”

‘Everything.’ “Nothing happened. You know how I feel about fucking labels.” ‘Especially when I’m not sure that one still applies.’

Emmett didn’t believe him. Not for a second. But he was usually good about knowing when to let things go. “All right, Brian. If that’s what you want.”

“Yeah,” he said dismissively. “I do. I mean, it is,” he said, not sure all the while of what exactly he was saying. He felt by denying the title to Justin, he was making it official.

Like he was signing his rights away.

Wordlessly, Brian turned from Emmett and Simon and walked away. A few days without Justin and he had already regressed to his old self. He hated that person, that lonely, angry person. But right at that moment, he was too high to care. Brian felt like he was floating along a familiar path as he strode to a place he hadn’t visited in years. A place that had always been a comfort to him for so long and for all of the wrong reasons.

Brian’s heart picked up its pace as he stepped into the backroom.  



	19. Getting Older

For Justin’s twenty-fourth birthday, Brian gave him monogamy.

There’s nothing particularly special about the age of twenty-four. Nothing all that noteworthy. Not like sixteen, eighteen, or twenty-one. No life-altering milestones nor grandiose birthday celebrations. Maybe that’s why Brian chose this particular birthday, so that his gift wouldn’t be competing with some other event in Justin’s life.

Or maybe he was just ready.

The night before, by some coincidence, Brian and Justin happened to be getting into bed at the same time to go to sleep. Since moving in with Brian two years before, Justin rarely did this except when they had been fucking. It’s not that they didn’t enjoy sharing a bed, because they always ended up wrapped in each other’s arms by the time morning came. It was matter of scheduling. Work patterns, sleeping patterns, tricking patterns. They tended to clash.

So when Justin was crawling into bed at a little after eleven-thirty the night before his twenty-fourth birthday, he was pleasantly surprised to see Brian getting ready just moments after. Watching his lover take off his clothes and pull on a pair of sweats, Justin smiled and quietly enjoyed the view, knowing that Brian was putting on a show for his number one fan.

As Brian crawled into bed, Justin asked, “you going to sleep already?”

Brian nodded and put his hands behind his head as he sunk into the mattress. “Yeah. I have a really early meeting tomorrow. I have to get up before seven.”

Justin slid down and curled around Brian’s body. Brian responded by rolling slightly to the left and wrapping his arms around Justin, whose head was on his chest. Kissing his hair, Brian sighed heavily.

“That sucks,” Justin said. “Having to get up so early. You’ll be up way before me.”

Brian smirked. “Slacker.”

Justin nudged him playfully with his knee. “Shut up.”

Squirming slightly, Brian laughed. “Yeah, well, I suppose it’s okay since it’s your birthday and all.”

“I’m surprised you remembered.”

“Just because I don’t make a big fucking stink about it doesn’t mean I don’t know when it is.”

“Fair enough,” Justin said as he closed his eyes. He didn’t want to get into it.

Brian glanced at the clock. “It’s your last fifteen minutes as a twenty-three year old.”

“Fifteen minutes-”

“Now fourteen,” Brian interrupted with a playful grin. Justin choked a laugh.

“Okay, now fourteen minutes is all that separates me from one age to another. That’s all it really is, you know? Just another day. Nothing special.”

Brian wanted to remind Justin that every day with him was a gift. Every day he was still alive after all that happened was special. But for fear of sounding ridiculously trite, he took a different path.

“You’re starting to sound like me.”

“I thought you’d like that.”

“I don’t,” Brian admitted. “I don’t ever want you to be like me. That’s what makes you tolerable, you know?”

Justin opened his eyes and gazed up dreamily at Brian. “I get it,” he said. And that was enough. Closing his eyes, he settled his head back onto Brian’s chest and drifted off to sleep. Brian could tell by the even rising and falling of Justin’s back that he was sound asleep. He glanced over at the clock one more time.

12:01 a.m.

“Happy birthday, Justin,” Brian mumbled into his lover’s hair as he too feel into a deep sleep.

~*~

When Justin awoke at eight-fifteen, Brian had long since left for work. He vaguely remembered having to role over when Brian’s alarm went off and he got out of bed, but everything else was black. Justin could imagine what had ensued afterward.

Brian got out of bed and- after checking to make sure Justin was falling comfortably back to sleep- got into the shower. After fifteen minutes in the shower, he got out, dried off, and picked which Armani suit he’d be wearing that day- probably the charcoal. He’d spend the next forty-five minutes to an hour trying to make himself look like he had simply rolled out of bed looking fabulous.

But he always looked great, and he knew it.

Justin turned off his alarm clock and rolled into the middle of the bed so that his face was pressed up against Brian’s pillow. He often did this when Brian wasn’t around; he liked that it smelled of Brian- it was a good way to start his day.

As he pulled the pillow closer to his face, something slid down and poked him on the nose. He started, and his eyes shot open. He blinked the sleep away a few times before he finally focused on the offensive object. It was a small white envelop that stood out against the navy blue of the sheets and duvet. Turning it over, Justin saw that it had his name on it, written in Brian’s handwriting. He smirked to himself, amazed that Brian had considered his birthday occasion enough to even buy him a card.

Propping himself up on one elbow, Justin ripped open the envelop and dug inside to pull out what looked like a table place card. On the front was written “To Justin.” He opened the card and had to read the inside three or four times to believe that what he was seeing was actually there:

All of myself. Happy Birthday.

Justin spent the entire day debating whether or not to bring it up to Brian once he got home. He met his mother for lunch and tried desperately to pay attention to her, but she could tell that his mind was elsewhere. She had a good idea of who was on his mind- because it was always the same. But Jennifer had learned the hard way that if Justin wanted or needed to talk about Brian he would. So she let it go and tried to enjoy her time with her son as much as she could. Besides, there would be others.

Justin was working on the computer when Brian arrived home at six-thirty. The ad exec said nothing, merely taking a moment to ruffle Justin’s hair affectionately before walking to the bedroom to change out of his suit. It was the charcoal one, just as Justin had suspected.

Justin’s heart was pounding so forcefully that he could feel it in his throat. It was now or never, because he knew that Brian sure as hell wouldn’t bring it up.

“I got your card this morning,” Justin said, his eyes never leaving the screen. When having serious conversations with Brian, sometimes it was best to not look him in the eye.

“Oh?” He said, his tone one of disinterest. But Justin could hear his heart beating from across the loft. “And?”

Justin shrugged. “Thanks.”

Brian sighed, and Justin looked up. He had changed into a pair of dark jeans and nothing else. Pinching the skin on his wrist- what Justin recognized as a nervous habit, Brian forced his feet to move across the hardwood floors to the desk where Justin had stopped working. Because Brian had said nothing, Justin felt more and more uncomfortable. What if he wanted to take it back? Or what if Justin had merely misinterpreted?

Walking around the side of the desk, Brian squatted down so that he and Justin could see eye to eye. “I just want you to know that I mean it,” he said quietly.

“I know. You’ve never gone back on your word before.”

Brian made a face that let Justin know that he disagreed; Justin wished that Brian knew it was true. That he had only ever made him promises that he could keep.

“I also want you to know that I’m not asking you to do the same. It’s about what I’m giving to you, nothing more.”

“I just... I wanna know why? Why now?”

Brian shrugged. “Every decision I have ever made was because it’s what I wanted. What I chose for myself. This is what I choose now. This is what I want now. Besides... I’m getting to old for this bullshit.”

Smirking, Justin stifled a laugh. “Yeah. I guess I can’t argue there.”

Brian had set himself up for that one and he knew it. “The point is, this is the choice I’m making, and it had to do with me and you and fuck what everyone else might think.”

Justin swiveled his desk chair so that he was facing Brian. Spreading his legs, he pulled his lover’s body as close to himself as he possibly could. They held each other for what felt like a very long time. And for the first time, Justin felt like they were on the same page. Maybe it was because he was finally growing up. Or maybe Brian was.

“You’re all I ever wanted,” Justin told him, his breath hot against Brian’s ear. “So this was pretty much the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten. Except for... well... never mind.”

Brian pulled his head back and stared at Justin’s face. “What?”

“Well... for my twelfth birthday my mom bought me my first EasyCake oven and-”

“You asshole,” Brian said through their laughter, adding, “happy birthday,” as he pulled Justin in for the first of his many requisite birthday kisses.

~*~

After his blowout with Brian in the diner, Justin walked. And walked. And walked. It was therapeutic, and easier than going back to Deb’s right away. As much as she said he wasn’t imposing, and she and Carl insisted that he could stay as long as he needed, he couldn’t help but feel like an intruder. He was going to have to start looking for somewhere to actually live soon. If worse came to worse he could stay with his mother and John for a few days, at least until he found somewhere else to live.

A panic set in as Justin chastised himself for the thought. A place to live. His own place. Alone. The thought terrified him as he realized he was considering the possibility that he and Brian might be over. It was like what those people in Hollywood were always breaking up over. What did they call it? Irreconcilable differences. That was an understatement.

When he got back to Debbie’s, both she and Carl were already asleep. It was sometime past midnight, so he wasn’t surprised. Climbing the stairs as quickly and quietly as he could, Justin entered his room and tossed his jacket onto the floor and stripped the rest of his clothes away. He turned off the lights and crawled in bed.

He used to love this part of getting into bed as a kid. How even if the room was too warm, the sheets and blanket was always a bit cooler than his body temperature. Once he started sharing a bed with something, this all changed. He would climb into bed, and within the coolness of the sheets was a warm body to counteract the cold. The perfect combination to create the ideal sleeping condition.

Now without Brian to snuggle up against, the twin bed seemed empty and cold. He hated the chills that would wrack his body until finally the bedding was warmed up by his own skin. Justin tried to imagine this as being a permanent situation. He tried to imagine never having Brian to hold onto in the middle of the night as he drifted into peaceful sleep. This only made the shivering worse, so he forced the thought from his mind.

Justin closed his eyes, and just as he began to find some comfort in the lonely bed, he heard a muffled beep coming from the floor. Turning on the bedside lamp, he looked around the room and realized that it was his cell phone, which was still on in his jacket pocket. Justin, too tired to stand, slid out from under the covers and onto the floor with his back against the side of the bed. He pulled his jacket to him and grabbed his phone. The cover screen read: One new voice message.

Opening his phone, Justin saw that he had one missed call from Brian. He checked the time and saw that it was when he was still out walking around Liberty Avenue, so he must not have heard it ringing. His heart beat faster and faster, pumping all of the blood to his head. He waited as he dialed his voicemail. It took him a minute to remember his code and then stop his fingers from shaking long enough to enter it. When he did, he pressed the phone against his ear and listened to the message. It was simple, and calm. Most importantly, it was Brian.

“I love you. I miss you. Call me.”

Flipping it closed, Justin dropped the phone to the floor and burst into tears.  



	20. Mother Knows Best

Brian wasn’t surprised when Justin still hadn’t come in by a quarter to ten. He wanted to be angry, or at least annoyed, but he couldn’t. He didn’t think he had the right. Choking on his guilt in the part he played in their dispute over the past few days, Brian could barely concentrate on his work, much less focus what little energy he had on hating Justin. It was just the opposite.

He missed Justin terribly, and it was especially hard since he knew he couldn’t be far. It sickened him that he spent the last few nights sleeping on the couch because he couldn’t bear to sleep alone in the bed that he and Justin shared. Not that he had been sleeping much, anyway. He would lie awake imagining all the things he could have done differently, not just last weekend, but over the past nine years. All the things he could have said or not said or done or not done to prevent the past week from ever happening.

So much for no regrets.

At nine fifty-eight his private office line rang. Pushing the blinking red button, Brian answered with disinterest.

“Kinney here.”

“Hey.”

That was all it took to make Brian’s heart leap from his chest to his throat. One tiny word from Justin over the phone.

“Hi,” he said, sounding more surprised than he would have liked. For a few moments, neither of them spoke. Neither man knew what he could possibly say.

“I got your message,” Justin told him.

Brian wished he didn’t feel so embarrassed. He wished that humbling himself wasn’t so hard. “Oh.”

“So, I’m calling. Because you asked me too.”

“How come you didn’t just call my cell?” Brian asked despite the questions utter irrelevance to the situation.

“I’m not really sure,” he said slowly, “it just seemed like the right thing to do. Maybe because your office phone doesn’t have caller ID.”

Brian smiled. “I should really do something about that.”

Justin choked a laugh; Brian sighed and relaxed slightly. “Anyway, I’m not gonna be coming into work today. I guess I’ll just take a personal day.”

“Don’t worry about that.”

“It’s just that we need to talk and I didn’t want it to be there, you know?”

“Completely.”

“So, I think I’ll just go to the loft later today. I can finish up some work from the loft that way.” It really bothered Brian that Justin seemed to be making a point of not referring to it as home.

“That’s fine.”

“I’ll be there when you get back from work. We can talk then.”

At least we’re sort of talking now, Brian thought. “Are you okay?” Brian asked somewhat abruptly.

“I can take care of myself, Brian,” Justin answered, a hint of contempt in his voice.

“Have I ever said that you couldn’t?” Brian countered but then caught himself. They were finally being civil to one another, he couldn’t fuck this up. “I just wanted to know how you are, that’s all.”

“I’m okay,” he said, though he didn’t sound it. Brian wasn’t about to argue.

“I’m glad to hear that,” he told him in a soft voice, one reserved only for special occasions and emergencies.

“Thank you.” Justin paused and took a deep breath. “So, I guess I’ll see you later, then.”

“Yeah, later.”

Just as Brian was about to hang up the phone, he heard Justin calling his name.

“Oh, Brian?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve missed you too.” Justin hung up before Brian could respond.

~*~

It was a little after one when Justin finally got around to packing the few items that he had brought with him to Deb’s. After talking to Brian, Justin took a long walk around Liberty Avenue. Restless because he had nothing better to do, Justin wasn’t in the mood to sit and stew.

When Justin returned, he found that he still wasn’t quite ready to go to the loft, even though Brian wouldn’t be home until six or seven. What was his home might not be his home for much longer, and this thought was too scary for him to face. Until now, Justin had never really seen what it was to share his entire life with someone. He started thinking about what it would mean for his day to day if he and Brian were over: the loft, his job, his relationships with Gus and Lindsay and Michael. Everything would change, and Justin didn’t know if he was ready for that.

At two thirty Debbie came home from her shift at the diner to find Justin watching television. His bag had been tossed lazily onto the floor by his feet.

“You going somewhere, Sunshine?”

Justin shrugged. “Eventually.”

Sitting down beside the blonde, Debbie smiled. “You make up with Brian, then?”

“I don’t know,” he said, running his hands over his face in into his hair. Sighing, Justin shook his head, his hands still gripping his golden locks. “I don’t know.”

“So where are you going?”

“To the loft.”

“Sorry,” Debbie said, raising her brow, “I don’t follow.”

Justin snorted a laugh. “We didn’t make up, but I’m going over to the loft to talk to him. So that we can talk to each other.”

“So what are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking-” Justin paused and let out a long stream of air through his nose, “I’m thinking that I wanna see what he has to say for himself.”

“I don’t blame you a bit, Justin.” Debbie rested her hand on his knee and squeezed it firmly. “You do what you have to do. You can’t give in.”

“All I want from him is to give a little back, you know? I want him to show me that he wants this. I don’t think that’s so much to ask.”

Smirking, Debbie cocked her head to the side. It bobbed heavily as she stared at Justin. “You have given him so much more than he deserves of you. You know it, I know it, and he definitely knows it.”

Justin shook his head. “You’re wrong.”

“I don’t think so, I think he knows.”

“I don’t mean that,” Justin explained. His voice was heavy with exhaustion and thick with compassion as he spoke. “I just mean that... I feel like I’m making up for fourteen years of his life. Until he had you and Michael, Brian was really, really alone, loveless. It’s not like he doesn’t love me, or treat me right- usually. I mean, we’re both guilty of saying and doing really shitty things to each other. It’s just that I feel like after the hell he went through, he deserves a little extra. He’s a really good man, Debbie. Even if he doesn’t always want people to know it.”

Gently, Debbie reached up and touched her fingers to Justin’s cheek. “You must be one of the greatest human beings I’ve ever met. If there were more of you in the world, I think we’d be a lot better off.”

“I just love him,” Justin said, almost sadly. “No apologies, no regrets.”

“So tell him that,” Debbie said. “And let him know that he has to do the same.”

~*~

By twelve thirty Brian had fallen back into work mode. He interviewed three potentials for the internship opening, took two conference calls, and finalized the contract of a new up-and-coming Pittsburgh-based clothing line. All of this without thinking of Justin and only one cup of coffee.

Brian was in the process of reading his e-mail when Cynthia cautiously entered his office. Everyone had been walking on eggshells around Brian since the incident with Justin. Brian loved Kinnetik, and liked many of his employees, but one drawback of owning and running a more intimate company was that everyone knew his business. When even Cynthia was being timid, Brian knew things were bad.

“Hey, Brian. Mind if I-”

“Not at all,” he said with a forced grin as he glanced up from his computer screen.

Closing the door behind her, Cynthia walked over to Brian’s desk and smiled sheepishly. “How’s everything going?” She asked.

“Peachy,” Brian lied, not caring that she would know.

“I can see that,” she grumbled, rolling her eyes.

“Did you just come in here to check up on me or-”

“You know I don’t care enough about you to do that,” Cynthia said nonchalantly, and Brian couldn’t help but crack a smile.

“What’s up?” He asked, finally letting his guard down, just a little bit.

“I just needed the files on the Henderson account so that Ted can bill them. He’s been bugging me all morning,” she explained with an melodramatic sigh.

Reaching into his filing cabinet, Brian pulled out the papers and handed them across the desk to his assistant.

“Anything else?”

“Actually yeah...”

“Well?” Brian prodded when she said nothing else.

“Well, I just... wanted to know how you’re holding up I guess. And not so I can gossip or tease,” she said insistently. “It’s because I really do care, despite what you’ve heard.”

“I know, and I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

Smiling unconvincingly, Brian nodded. “Yes, I’m sure. I survived twenty-nine years without him, I think I can handle a few days.” Survived, yes. Lived, not so much.

“It’s okay to miss him, to love him,” Cynthia said quietly, surprising Brian. “He deserves it, you know. And so do you.”

Cynthia was too smart for her own good. Brian knew why he had kept her around all these years. Still, he preferred to keep their relationship somewhat professional, at least while in the office. He smiled and thanked her, and just as Cynthia stood to excuse herself, the office door came flying open.

Brian watched as Jennifer walked in without invitation. “Don’t people knock, anymore?”

“Well, Cynthia wasn’t outside to offer to let me in.”

“That’s because she’s in here,” Brian explained, stating the obvious as he massaged his temple.

“Hey, Jen,” Cynthia said with a smirk, a result of Brian’s tremendous irritation.

“Hi, Cynthia. Anyway, I had a free afternoon and realized that I hadn’t spoken to my son in over a week so I thought I’d stop by and take him out to lunch. He’s not in his office so I thought he might be in here. Where is Justin?”

Cynthia saw her cue to leave and walked out of the office, shutting the door behind herself. Brian almost wished she hadn’t, she would have made a nice buffer between himself and his quasi-mother-in-law when he explained what was going on. At least from this visit Brian learned one place Justin hadn’t been for the past few days.

“He’s not here, Jen.”

“Where is he? Is he at the loft? Is he sick?”

“I don’t know where he is.”

“What do you mean you don’t know where he is?”

“I mean exactly what I said. We had... we had a huge fight a few nights ago and he walked out and I haven’t seen much of him since.”

Jennifer took a few steps toward the desk and leaned forward onto her hands so that she was hovering over Brian. The woman knew how to be intimidating when she wanted to be; Brian understood where Justin got it from.

“So where is he, Brian? Where exactly did my son walk out to?”

“I have no idea,” Brian told her. He wished that he could have kept his voice from shaking, from cracking at the very end. “I don’t know where he is or where he’s been or what he’s been doing or who he’s been doing or if-” Brian stood and threw his arms out dramatically, raising his voice. “I don’t know a goddamn thing. So you want to yell at me, tell me what an awful boyfriend, awful fucking human being I am? Say it! Say it, goddammit!”

Staring at him with her mouth slightly agape, Jennifer couldn’t find words. She couldn’t remember the last time- or ever seeing Brian this open, this vulnerable to her. She knew he must have had it in him somewhere, but such and open display- it was pathetic. And wonderful.

“That’s right, you don’t have to say it,” Brian sighed, his arms dropping to his sides, “I already know.”

Jennifer crossed her arms and cocked her head at the dejected man standing before her. “How about this? Since Justin is nowhere to be found, leaving me without a lunch date, why don’t I take you out?”

“What?”

“Come on,” she said, adjusting her purse on her shoulder, “you look like you’re about due for a break.”

~*~

Brian wasn’t sure why he agreed to this. Not that he minded spending an hour or two with Jennifer, they got on well enough. Maybe it was just because it seemed rude to turn her down, or maybe it was because right now, she was the closest thing Brian could get to Justin.

Pushing his barely touched food around on his plate, Brian finished telling Jennifer the long version. “So the way I see it is that I keep on saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But what am I supposed to do? Lie to him? Tell him that I want children when he already knows that I don’t?”

Jennifer shook her head and took a sip of her wine. “I don’t know what to tell you, but I have to say in your defense, it sounds just like Justin to react how he did. Sometimes, if he doesn’t hear what he wants to hear or how he wants to hear it-”

“He shuts down,” Brian completed her sentence, bringing a smile to Jennifer’s face.

“Exactly. He’s been that way since he was little.”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Brian exhaled heavily. “I just don’t know what to do with him. He’s just so fucking dramatic.”

Jennifer snorted a laugh. “You know, I knew since he was a baby that he would be-”

“A fag?”

“I was going to say an artist, Brian,” Jennifer grumbled at him. “And do you know why?”

Brian shook his head.

“Passion.”

“Passion?”

“Yep,” Jennifer said, nodding absently. “He was just so passionate about- about everything. He could never do anything halfway. If he liked something, he loved it. If he was going to experience something, he would experience every single little bit of it. And you know what? He’s that way with his art. The way he so meticulous, every little stoke or pixel or whatever, it has to be exactly right. And you know what else?”

“What?”

“He’s the same way about you. Has been since the day he met you. He couldn’t just love you a little, he’s had to love you all the way. Every bit of himself that he could give you, he has. He’s never said it to me directly, but I know that you own him in ways you probably don’t even know. Ways that he’ll never tell you.”

“Maybe he should. Maybe then I could understand where the hell he’s coming from.”

“Can I give you a bit of advice?”

“If you think it’ll help.”

Smirking, Jennifer leaned toward Brian as if she were about to impart some top secret information. “Maybe you should worry less about what he’s giving you, and more about what you’re giving him.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Based on what you told me, it sounds like he’s concerned that he’s given up too much. He can’t help it, it’s just how he was built. He can’t help but give you all he’s got. And it sounds like to me he doesn’t think he has anything from you. At least nothing tangible.”

“So what to I do?” Brian asked, sounding very much to Jennifer like a lost child.

She shrugged. “I can’t really help you with that. Now you and Justin are going to have to work it out.”

Suddenly, things starting falling into place in Brian’s mind. What he had said over the past few days, and what Justin had said to him. Why he had been so freaked out by the prospect of having another child, especially one that would be his full-time charge.

Brian felt like he had to jump into action. Start making up for lost time and repair what had been broken for almost a week. Jennifer watched as the wheels in Brian’s head switched into overdrive. But at least he was getting somewhere.

“I have to go,” he said. “I have some stuff I need to do before I get back to work. Let me pay the check and then I-”

“Don’t you dare,” Jennifer told him sternly but with a warm, motherly smile. “This one’s on me. I owe you.”

“You owe me?” Brian asked. “Now you lost me.”

“You know, at first I was horrified by your relationship with my son. I thought, what could this older man possibly want from my innocent little boy? I thought you’d be an awful influence. I was counting on it.”

“Thanks Jen. That’s the nicest thing one person could say to another in this situation.”

“Well, I was right, wasn’t I? But what I wasn’t- what I couldn’t possibly have counted on was that you would be such an amazing role model to him. And I can never thank you enough for that.”

Brian looked at the remarkable woman sitting across from him. This powerful, wonderful woman. It would have to take such a strong individual to yield a product like Justin, go through what- in some ways- Brian put them through, and then say to him what she just said.

Brian stood and walked around to Jennifer’s side of the table. He pressed a chaste kiss against her cheek before turning and leaving the restaurant without another word. None were necessary.


	21. Is This It?

_Can't you see I'm trying, I don't even like it_  
I just lie to get to your apartment  
Now I'm staying there just for a while  
I can't think 'cause I'm just way too tired 

_Oh dear, can't you see? It's them it's not me  
We're not enemies; We just disagree_

_Is this it?_  
-The Strokes

~*~

By the time Justin forced himself to leave Deb’s and head for the loft, it was after five o’clock. But then again, why shouldn’t he? It was about time he started allowing himself to do things in his time, not Brian’s. They would talk and work things out when he was ready, when he knew what he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it. When he was strong enough to hear what Brian might say back.

Justin dug his keys out of his pocket and opened the loft door. He hadn’t been home- if that’s what this place still was- in almost a week, and he enjoyed the heavy feeling of the door as he pulled it aside.

Standing at the threshold, Justin took a long look around before forcing himself to enter. Brian wasn’t home, which made it easier, and harder. Usually, seeing Brian lying in bed or working at the computer or watching TV or taking a shower was Justin’s biggest incentive to run inside. Brian was what made this place home.

Justin stepped through the door and tossed his bag to the side. Everything looked exactly the same. All the furniture was in the same place, same photos on the wall and crayon-drawn pictures hanging on the refrigerator. As Justin’s eyes traveled over the kitchenette and to the counter, something caught his attention.

“What the fuck?”

He blinked a few times before he realized that what he saw was real and situated on the kitchen counter. Choking a laugh, Justin examined the fishbowl. Inside were two goldfish, one a bright golden yellow, the other a rich black with flecks of blue in its scales. They swam together around a grand castle that was positioned carefully over a bed of rainbow-colored gravel. An index card was propped against the bowl, so Justin picked it up. One side instructed Justin not to leave until Brian got home, the other designated the fishes’ names:

Black- Rage.  
Gold- JT.

The more Justin learned about Brian, the less he understood.

~*~

_"You know what I am going to say. I love you. What other men may mean when they use that expression, I cannot tell; what I mean is, that I am under the influence of some tremendous attraction which I have resisted in vain, and which overmasters me. You could draw me to fire, you could draw me to water, you could draw me to the gallows, you could draw me to any death, you could draw me to anything I have most avoided, you could draw me to any exposure and disgrace. This and the confusion of my thoughts, so that I am fit for nothing, is what I mean by your being the ruin of me. But if you would return a favourable answer to my offer of myself in marringe, you could draw me to any good--every good--with equal force." –Our Mutual Friend_ , Charles Dickens

~*~

When Brian got home, the shower was running, and the computer was on. Glancing at the screen, he saw that it was the artwork for Justin’s most recent assignment. Brian suppressed a smile though there was no one to hide it from. He feared that if he allowed himself to be too relieved at Justin’s return, it would be short-lived.

Brian placed his briefcase on the island next to the latest addition to the loft’s décor. He leaned forward to stare a little closer at the fish and wondered what the fuck he was thinking earlier this afternoon. Then he saw the little flakes of foul smelling fish food floating on the top of the water. This time he allowed himself to smile; Justin had fed them.

When the water turned off and Justin walked out of the shower, Brian said nothing. Wordlessly, he watched Justin dry off in the bedroom. Justin stood naked in the middle of the room as he went through his drawers for a pair of underwear. He pulled them on before grabbing a pair of sweats that had been thrown on the bed. They were Brian’s.

Justin nearly tripped on his own feet when he walked out of the bedroom and saw Brian standing in the kitchen.

“You’re home,” he said, a bit out of breath from the start.

“Yeah, so are you.”

“I guess I didn’t hear you come in,” Justin told him, wiping a few stray strands of damp, golden hair out of his eyes.

“You were in the shower. I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“That’s a first,” Justin said with a grin. Brian chuckled.

“How long have you been here?” Brian asked as he took off his jacket and loosened his tie.

“Not long. Maybe two hours.”

“Oh. From the looks of it you had already settled back in.”

The humor that had been keeping the situation civil melted away as both men felt their heartbeats picking up the pace. Justin’s eyes darted about the room as if he were looking for some way to escape, even if all he wanted to do was run into Brian’s arms and have it be done with. But he had to stand his ground.

“Is that what you want?” Justin asked.

“Do you?”

Justin’s shoulder’s drooped and his arms swung lazily to his sides. “Could we pretend like we’re not in third grade for five minutes here? Can’t you just answer my question with and actual answer? Can’t you- fuck.”

“Can’t I what?”

“Can’t you- for once- pretend like you’d give a fuck if I walked out that door and never came back.”

“I can’t pretend that,” Brian told him. Justin’s body seemed to crumble. “I wouldn’t be pretending.”

“What?” Justin’s blue eyes flew up to stare at Brian. The look on his face said that he couldn’t believe what he had just heard.

“It’s your choice if you want to walk out that door and never come back. But I’ll be damned if this time- I let you.”

Justin’s eyes filled with tears. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say that?”

“About as long as I’ve been stupid enough not to.”

Justin’s eyes couldn’t follow Brian fast enough as he approached his lover. Their lips crashed together, a kiss exploding between them. It was as if they had been apart for years rather than a few sorry days.

When Justin’s head abruptly flew back, Brian wasted no time and began kissing his neck. But that was not what Justin had in mind.

“Wait, wait, wait.”

Brian looked up. “What?”

“Just stop for a second,” Justin told him breathlessly, pressing his hands against Brian’s chest and pushing him away. “We can’t just run back together and fuck and pretend like nothing happened. This doesn’t just fix everything.”

“I know,” Brian admitted, secretly hoping that they would fuck first and talk later.

“We need to talk now. We both said things and- it’s important that we have a real conversation.”

“You’re right,” Brian agreed. “Let’s sit down.”

“Good thinking,” Justin said as they walked to the couch. “This might take a while.”

Brian was afraid of that. “Why don’t you start.”

This seemed to make Justin nervous. “All right...” Suddenly, Justin forget everything that he had planned to say. He had thought of tactful ways to articulate his feelings and wants and needs; well- fuck tact. What he really needed was to be honest.

“We can’t always do things on your time,” he blurted out. Brian seemed unfazed. “If I tell you I’m not ready to talk about something- if I want to sleep on the couch for a night because I’m upset, it’s not because I’m shutting you out. It’s because it’s what I need to do for me. I can’t always be planning my life around your needs. You always need to be the one in control, the one who makes all the decisions. But this is supposed to be a partnership. If I tell you I need space, I should think that you would respect me enough to give me some goddamn space.”

“All right,” Brian said, nodding. “I will try to be more considerate of your time. But you also can’t take my feelings and turn them into an attack on you. That wasn’t fair, what you did.”

Justin seemed confused by Brian’s request.

“Look,” Brian said with a defeated sigh, “I know I wear the crown of reigning asshole in this relationship, but that doesn’t mean I’m always one-hundred percent wrong. I’m entitled to my feelings, my opinions, even if you don’t like or agree with them. And I still stand by how I felt the other night. But how I feel about having children has nothing to do with you.”

“So then tell me it doesn’t have to do with,” Justin told him, edging a bit closer on the couch. “Tell me so that I don’t feel like it’s my problem.”

Dropping his head forward, Brian raked his hands through his hair. “Because... I’m not a good father, Justin. I wasn’t built for it, wasn’t programmed right.”

Justin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “What? You think you’re not a good father? How can you even think that? Brian- God- you are an amazing father.”

Brian huffed his disagreement. “Some father. I’m the drop-in dad because I’m too goddamn selfish to put anyone’s needs before my own. Need I remind you of the leatherball incident?”

“Brian, that was years ago. Another lifetime, even.”

“I missed the first four years of my son’s life- years that I can never get back- because I was too afraid of-” Brian stopped. He still couldn’t look Justin in the eye.

“Of what?” Justin took Brian’s hands in his own. “Look at me. Afraid of what?”

Slowly lifting his face, Brian gazed into Justin’s deep blue eyes. “I was afraid of becoming my father. I still am.”

“That will never happen,” Justin assured him, even though he knew he couldn’t.

“I feel like it already has. I know I push you away, but I don’t want to. Look what happened when you brought up even the idea of having a baby.”

“Is wasn’t about that anyway,” Justin admitted abruptly.

“It wasn’t?”

Justin shook his head. “I thought it was, but- it’s not like I was all that surprised that you don’t want to have a kid. I mean, I know you Brian.”

“So then what was it?”

“I just feel like there’s nothing holding us together. You own so much of me, but I always feel like- even with how far we’ve come- there’s something keeping you from being mine. And I’m not trying to own you, I know better than that. I just want to feel like there’s something more that won’t let us fall apart.”

“Well, there’s always Rage and JT,” Brian said with a smile.

“What?” Justin didn’t understand until Brian nodded toward the kitchen. When Justin remembered the fish, a grin grew on his face.

“Right, how could I forget?”

Brian snickered. “I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. I fucking hate fish.”

“Unless it’s served in a lemon butter sauce.”

Brian laughed harder, his smile creeping into his sleep-deprived eyes. He took Justin’s face in his hands as he asked him, “Do you know that I’m crazy about you?”

Blushing, Justin playfully swatted Brian’s hands away. “Fuck, Brian. You make us sound like old marrieds. Though I suppose, we practically are, if you think about it.”

“Oh? And how do you figure that?”

“Well, first off, for better or for worse-”

“And sometimes the better even outweighs the worse. But I get where you’re going with this.”

“For richer and for poorer.”

“In sickness and in health,” Brian said, completing the vows. “See, Sunshine? There’s a lot more than you think holding us together. I mean, I don’t know if you know this, but being with you for all these years makes me feel like I am finally doing something right- something good in my life.”

Sighing his relief, Justin tenderly stroked Brian chest over his wrinkled shirt. “How could I not have seen it?”

“That could be my fault,” Brian confessed, placing his hand over Justin’s and holding it above his heart. “I can do a pretty good job of hiding it.”

“Finally. A little honesty.”

“Speaking of honesty,” Brian said, bracing himself for what he was about to tell his lover, “there’s something else I need to confess.”

“Oh? What’s that?” Justin asked, not picking up on the trepidation in Brian’s utterance.

“I went to Babylon last night.”

Justin choked a laugh and shook his head. “That’s it? So what?”

“But... I didn’t just go to Babylon.”

The corners of Justin’s lips lost the tightness of his usual smile as they sunk into an apprehensive frown. “What do you mean?”

“I went to the backroom.”

Justin’s hand dropped from Brian’s chest. “You went to the backroom?” He asked, his voice hollow.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I was angry. I wanted to fuck around.” The coldness of Brian’s voice sent a chill up Justin’s spine, which stiffened with hostility.

“So- so let me get this straight. Being faithful to me for the past three years has been so boring- so fucking predictable that the moment you think we’re not together you stick your dick up some other guy’s ass?” Justin was fuming, his voice shaking with anger.

“Actually, I’ve found being with you more unpredictable and more satisfying than any trick or one night fuck. You tend to keep me on my toes, Taylor, which keeps me coming back.”

“So what then? What are you telling me all this?” Justin’s voice was breaking. He wondered why Brian had bothered making up with him at all. What kind of mind game was he playing at now?

“I’m telling you because I didn’t fuck anyone last night.”

“Oh, so you want a metal? Or maybe a plaque: Brian fucking Kinney managed to keep his cock in his pants despite the hot guys begging to suck him off. What a hero! What a goddamn saint.”

“Justin-”

“What?”

“Even if we had been over- officially done- I couldn’t’ve fucked any of those guys last night anyway.”

“Why’s that?”

“They’re not you.”

“So?”

“So- I love you. None of them could even hold a candle to that.”

Justin softened. “I love you, too.”

Brian smiled. “That’s good to know.”

“I never thought I’d see the day when I’d be the one reassuring you of that.”

“You and me and the rest of the world.”

“Let’s just keep this between you and me,” Justin said in a stage whisper.

“Good plan,” Brian sighed. Biting his lower lip, he watched Justin tuck his thumbs into the elastic waistband of the sweatpants he was wearing. Brian’s sweatpants.

“So, fight over?” Brian asked self-consciously.

Justin removed his hands from the pants and wrapped his arms around Brian’s waist. “I think it’s safe to say that this fight is definitely over.

Brian pressed a gentle kiss on Justin’s forehead, then his nose, then his lips, as he blinked away the tears of relief that he couldn’t allow to fall. His hands were on the sides of Justin’s neck, thumbs gently caressing his lover’s jaw.

“Hey Brian?”

“What?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you ever miss it? The fucking around, I mean.”

“Honestly?” Brian asked. Justin nodded. “Sometimes.”

“Oh,” Justin sighed dejectedly.

“But-”

“There’s a but, huh?”

Brian brought his hands down firmly on Justin’s ass and squeezed. “There’s always a but.”

Justin chuckled. “Go on.”

“But: the fact of the matter is that I realized that there is nothing more monotonous or meaningless than anonymous sex with dozen- make that hundreds-”

“Make that thousands-”

“Of guys, smartass. Anyway, what is exciting is working out to look hot for you, or being a big fucking success so I can run home to tell you, fucking you, holding you...”

“My, my, Brian. You really have changed.”

“Who ever thought that our monogamy would bring an end to my monotony?”

“Oh I did,” Justin told him. “I knew it all along.”

“Well, you know me too well.” Brian pressed his lips against Justin’s, softly at first but after a moment the kiss intensified. Brian parted his lips, allowing Justin’s tongue to enter and explore, rediscover what might have been forgotten. What could have been lost. After a few minutes, Brian pulled his head back and stared at Justin.

“So,” he said, cocking his eyebrow suggestively, “what now?”

“Actually, I haven’t been sleeping much lately, so I’d really just like to take a nap in my own bed,” Justin told Brian with an apologetic grin.

Justin turned to walk into the bedroom when Brian grabbed his arm and pulled him back. Tucking a few strands of golden hair behind his ear, Brian kissed Justin’s forehead.

“Hey,” he whispered. “Our bed.”

Justin beamed as he quickly bussed Brian’s lips and headed to the bed. Brian watched his walk and took in the sight of him. He wondered how he survived the past few days without going into complete withdrawal. Or maybe he had.

“You asshole,” Justin suddenly groaned loudly, pulling Brian out of his reverie. “You were smoking in bed while I was gone!” Running his fingers over the duvet, Justin scrunched his nose at the ash while trying desperately to suppress his smile.

“On my side of the bed.”

Fucker.

But Brian couldn’t even act surprised. Justin always managed to find a way to discover his deepest, darkest secrets.  



	22. Idol

Gus’s fists were still swinging when Mr. Kelson, the student teacher from room 212, pulled him off of Frank Wildes. His vision was blurred by the angry tears that filled his eyes and poured over the brims. He knew that there were people all around him, shouting, cheering, squealing; but all he heard was the incessant buzz of Frank’s words that pounded over and over in his brain.

~*~

When Brian's cell phone rang and he saw that it was Melanie calling, he spent a good twenty seconds debating whether or not he should answer.

"Yeah?"

"It's about damn time," Melanie scolded in a stage whisper.

"Why if it isn't our very own Melanie Marcus," Brian said through gritted teeth and a forced smile directed at no one. Some things never change.

"Cute, Brian. Are you busy?"

"Actually, yes. I have a meeting with Johnny's Bootery shoe company in twenty minutes. So unless this is important-"

"Very important," Melanie told him. "I need you to come to Gus's school."

Brian choked a laugh. "Now?"

"When the hell do you think?"

"Not now. I just told you I have a meeting."

"I know, but Gus got suspended and-"

"Gus got what?"

"Suspended," Melanie repeated shortly.

"For what?" Brian asked, his concern blatant in his tone.

"He punched one of his classmates and started a fight."

"I'm sorry. Our Gus? Little mister pacifist?"

"That's the one. So I need you to come down here."

"Wait, if you're already at the school, then why the fuck do I need to go there?"

"Because..." Melanie paused and sighed heavily. "Because he won't talk to anyone. Not his teacher, not the principal, not the school's guidance counselor. He won't even tell me what happened. The other kid isn't talking either. Gus says the only person he'll talk to is you, and he won't leave until he does."

Brian shook his head. "You're his mother, make him go."

"If it were that simple, Brian-"

"Then tell him I'm sorry but I can't."

"Brian, I've already been here in this God-forsaken place for almost an hour. Your son is hysterical, and I don't know what else to do."

"Mel, I can't. I have a very important meeting. Just tell him-"

"Tell him what? There's nothing you can say because you can't just pick and choose when you're his father."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"It means that when you asked me and Lindz to let you have weekends with him and we said yes, you got the responsibility of being a full-time father. On call twenty-four-seven. You can't be this figure in his life and then decide when it's most convenient for you to be his dad."

"That's not fair-"

"You're right, it's not. But it's not unfair to you, it would be to him. Because no matter what you have going on, no matter who you're with or what you're doing, his needs supercede yours. I thought that you would have figured that out by now."

"You know," Brian said with a sigh as he saved the files open on his computer and stood from his desk, "your knack for Jewish guilt hasn't faded even a bit over the years."

"Well, years of practice and a Jewish mother will do that to a person. But I hope you know, Brian, this isn't about guilt. I'm not trying to trick you into coming or make you feel like a bad parent."

Putting on his coat, Brian tucked his phone between his shoulder and his ear. "I know, Mel. I'll be there soon."

When Brian hung up, he realized he still needed to cover himself at the office. Fast. He moved quickly, dodging various employees as he made his way to Justin's desk. With his face buried in his work, Justin didn't see Brian's approach. It took Brian a moment to force himself to interrupt his preoccupied lover. He always loved watching Justin at work; his intensity had been one of the first things to make Brian fall in love with him.

“Justin.”

The artist’s eyes didn’t leave the sketches laid out in front of him. “What’s up?”

“Did you do the artwork for the Johnny’s Bootery campaign?”

“Yeah,” Justin told him with a bemused grin.

“Good, because I need you to cover for me at the presentation in-” Brian checked his watch, “twelve minutes.”

This news was enough to draw Justin’s eyes to Brian. “What?”

“I have to go. Gus got suspended and-”

“What? Shit, is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Mel didn’t tell me much, just that he punched someone and now I have to go down to his school.”

“Wait? Gus punched someone? The little pacifist?”

Brian grinned at Justin’s choice of words; it was enough to make him want to grab his lover’s face and plant a deep kiss on his full lips. But Brian resisted the temptation, as he knew the public display of affection wouldn’t be very professional.

“Yeah. So I have to leave now,” Brian told him, looking at his watch. “There are notes for the presentation on my desk, and Cynthia can help you out, too.”

“I’ve never presented anything before, Brian,” Justin informed him as if he didn’t already know. “Are you sure you want me to do this?”

“Completely. I trust you to do it right.”

Nodding hesitantly, Justin sighed. “All right.”

“Make me proud.”

“Don’t I always?”

Brian chuckled as he bussed Justin’s lips before leaving the office. It took him less than twenty minutes to get to the school, and fortunately, the day was over; so there were few people left at the building. Brian felt anxious as he traveled through the empty halls. He hated that Gus had gotten into a fight, that his son had in someway been threatened. Most of all he was terrified that now that he had been called upon, he wouldn’t handle the situation correctly. That he’d somehow fuck it up by saying the wrong thing or asking all the wrong questions.

The first person he saw since entering the school was Melanie, who was standing just outside the door of the principal’s office.

“Well it’s about fucking time,” she muttered.

“I got here as fast as I could, all right?” Brian countered defensively.

Rolling her eyes, Melanie motioned toward the door. “Fine. He’s in there.”

Brian walked past her without a second glance and entered the principal’s office. Sitting inside with his fingers tightly gripping his chair and his head wilted down was Gus. When he heard the door open, his face lifted slowly until his red, puffy eyes were connected with his father’s. Brian could tell that Gus was attempting to grin when all that came forth were more hysterical tears. Pulling his legs up against his chest, Gus buried his tear-streaked face in his knees.

“Gus,” Brian finally managed pathetically as he walked to his son, wrapping his arms around the wailing child. “Gus, what is going on?”

“I’m really sorry, Dad,” Gus managed out between sobs that choked his breaths and wracked his delicate frame. Leaning toward Brian, he folded his body into his father’s protective arms.

“Sorry? I don’t even know what happened.”

“Are you-” Gus paused to wipe tears from his cheeks and snot from his nose with his sleeve before finally asking, “Are you mad at me?”

“Honestly, I don’t know yet. Do you think you could tell me what happened?”

Taking a deep breath, Gus attempted to calm himself. “I-”

“Mr. Kinney?”

Brian’s head whipped behind him where Mrs. Pritz, the assistant principal, was standing with a delicate, warm smile on her soft features. Brian had met her once before at a parent-teacher night that he had gone to with Lindsay when Mel had been working late. But this was over a year ago, so he wasn’t surprised that she didn’t remember him.

“Yeah?”

“Hi, I’m so glad that you could get over here and at the same time sorry that you had to.”

“So am I,” Brian agreed as he stood up to speak to her. “What happened?”

“That’s actually what we’re trying to figure out,” she said with a tired sigh, planting her hands on her hips. “All I really know is that he attacked another fourth grader in the hall. Gus’s friend Jeremy told me that the two were having a confrontation, but none of the boys would tell me what was said. And Gus- he said that the only person he’d talk to or tell was you.”

“Did you try to get him to talk to a teacher or Mel or something?”

“We did. But he insisted that he talk to you.” Mrs. Pritz looked over Brian’s shoulder at Gus, who was sniffling patiently in his chair. “You know how boys are with their fathers.”

Nodding, Brian thought of how he must have felt about his father eons ago. Despite the abuse- physical, emotional, and psychological- he still somehow managed to worship his father. Well into adolescence at that. Justin experienced the same thing. Insisting for years that his father would come around, that he could never simply cut Craig out of his life. But it had never occurred to Brian that Gus might feel the same way.

“Would it be all right if I talked to him alone, then?” Brian asked, uncharacteristically bashful.

“Of course,” Mrs. Pritz told him with a quick nod. “I’ll just step outside.”

“Thanks.”

Brian watched Gus’s watching her leave as he braced himself. It was as if he couldn’t doubt himself and his ability to be an effective father enough. He never thought he was saying the right things or giving the right advice, but that never fazed Gus the way it did Brian. Gus clung onto every word with the utmost reverence and awe. Brian didn’t understand how he could be speaking what felt like gibberish, yet to his son it was as if he were quoting some great and precious text.

“So, Sonny Boy,” Brian said as he knelt down in front of Gus, planting his hands on his knees, “Feel like telling me what’s going on?”

Gus shook his head. “Not really.”

“That’s not what your mom told me. She that you said I was the only person you would tell. If not, then I really wasted my time coming down here.”

Suddenly, Gus was sobbing again. Big gusts of cries that choked him and shook his body. “I don’t want to say it!” he wailed. “It’s too awful.”

“Say what?”

“Is it true that you’ll go to hell?” Gus blurted the question that somehow came out sounding like an accusation.

Gus might as well have punched his bewildered father in the face. “What?”

“Frank said things. Terrible things about you.”

“About me?” Brian asked with a forced laugh. “But he doesn’t even know me.”

The words fought with Gus’s lips as they were fresh in his mind. “He said that you were a faggot.”

To hear his son utter this word, this despicable, hateful word, made Brian sick to his stomach. Even if he had used it himself countless times. But to hear such a vile word escape such sweet, innocent lips was a tragedy.

“He did, did he?”

Gus nodded, his eyes wide. “He said that you were a faggot because you liked men instead of women, and that you’ll go to hell forever. That means so will Justin,” the boy reasoned as more tears slid down his flushed cheeks. “He said that it makes me a faggot, too.”

“Do you know why this kid would say this to you?” Brian asked, unable to muster any other reasonable question aside from ‘Where does he live and how fast can I kill him?’

“He’s just a jerk and picks on people all the time. He doesn’t usually mess with me but today... I don’t know. Maybe he just figured it was my turn or something.”

“I see.”

“But- I mean- it’s not true. Right, Dad? It can’t be true.”

Brian had difficulty with this inquiry because he wasn’t even sure whether or not he believed in heaven and hell. If he did, he certainly didn’t know which he belonged in. He had done some pretty awful things in his life, the least of which was fucking guys in the ass. And he had no doubt that the most good he had ever done was being with Justin. So how could he possibly burn for being a fag?

“Gus, listen to me. I am not going to hell for being gay.”

“Then why would he say those things?” Gus asked, Brian thought at this point he wouldn’t have to.

“Because there are a lot of hateful, ignorant people in this world who will say terrible things and terrible words because they’re afraid of what they don’t understand.” Brian felt like a fucking PSA.

“Faggot is a bad word for a gay person, right?”

Brian nodded. “Yes. Have you heard it before?”

“Sort of. But I never really knew what it meant until now.”

“I’m sorry that you had to find out this way. Or that you ever have to hear it at all.”

“Me too.”

“So I take it that’s why you hit this kid?” Brian asked, figuring it was about time he got to the point, which was becoming blurrier by the second.

“Yes.”

“Look, Gus. I know was he said was hateful, and very, very hurtful. But-” Brian paused and sighed as he watched his son’s focused eyes staring at him intensely. “I’m about to say something you’re really not going to like, Gus. Promise to listen anyway?”

Gus bobbed his head up and down.

“All right. The fact of the matter is you’re going to have to deal with kids- people like Frank all of your life. There will always be ignorant people who don’t approve of me and Justin and your moms. The thing is, you’re just going to have to put up with it and face it with your words, not your fists.”

“That’s really hard,” Gus confessed. “What he said- he might as well have punched me. It’s like he did.”

Taking his son’s hands into his own, Brian smiled what he hoped was reassuringly. “I know. But I can’t change other people, even if I’d like to. So you are just going to have to be the one who makes the good decisions and does things the right way. And I know that you are strong enough to do that.”

“That’s not really fair though, is it?” He expected from his father a reasonable explanation for how it might be construed as fair. Unfortunately, there was nothing truer than the blatant lack of justice in the situation. Especially for an innocent bystander like Gus.

Brian shook his head. As much as he would like to, Brian didn’t have all the answers for Gus. At least not all the ones he was looking for.

“Not even a little.”

~*~

After the fiasco at the school, Brian spent a few more minutes with his distraught son before going back to the office to finish working. Justin had long since left after he covered for Brian at the presentation. Not to Brian’s surprise, Cynthia told him that Justin did an excellent job.

When Brian got home, Justin was halfway out the door. He was dressed in his gym attire: form-fitting sweats and an old T-shirt.

“Hey,” he said distractedly as he threw a few things into a backpack.

“Hey. Where are you off to? Bit late for the gym.”

“That’s funny coming from you,” Justin said with a bemused grin. “Anyway, I’m taking an eight o’clock yoga class with Emmett. I’ve been promising him for weeks that I’d sign up with him since he couldn’t bare to go alone.”

“So why doesn’t he ask Simon?”

Justin shrugged. “Something about rotations and- doctor shit.”

“I see,” Brian said as he pulled of his shoes and tossed his jacket onto the bed. “I also heard that you did a great job with Johnny’s. That they love the new campaign and think you are just adorable.”

Justin couldn’t mask his broad smile. “You would have been proud,” he told Brian knowingly.

“I’m sure.”

“So what was up with Gus?” Justin asked with a preoccupied glance at his lover, who was sitting on the bed.

“Some kid... Frank... called me a faggot and said that I would burn.”

This stopped Justin in his tracks. One shoe on, one in his hand. “He what?”

“You know how Gus has never had a problem talking about having two mommies or that fact that his dad is a fag.”

“Though he probably doesn’t use that terminology. Yes, I know.”

“Well, this kid decided to run his mouth, so Gus tackled him.”

“Jesus Christ. Even with what he said, I can’t imagine Gus attacking someone.”

“When I got to the school, he just looked... wrecked.”

“It probably broke his heart to hear some kid saying that about his dad. His idol. He worships you, you know.”

“You’re not the first person to tell me that today. So I guess it must be true.”

Justin was bothered by Brian’s flippant response. He could be so blind to the love in his life, always had been that way.

“So what happened? What did you do?”

“I told the assistant principal and Mel and the school are going to take care of it.”

“How?”

“They’re going to call the kid’s parents in for a conference. Something about not tolerating that kind of derogatory language blah, blah.”

“Not blah, blah, Brian,” Justin scolded. “Take this seriously.”

“I am,” Brian responded coolly as he unbuttoned and took off his shirt.

“So then what exactly are you doing about it?”

“I told you. The school-”

“Not the school. You.”

Brian thought at first that the stern look on Justin’s face was exaggerated- a joke. But when Justin’s stare didn’t waver and his frown didn’t fade, Brian became defensive.

“I- personally- am not doing anything. It’s for the school to handle. I did my part.”

“That’s such bullshit,” Justin muttered, pulling on his second show and storming to the refrigerator for a bottle of water.

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“You can’t just let this go! You have to make sure that it’s taken care of. I don’t care if the school, Mel, Lindz, the governor, and the goddamn president all call this kid’s parents. Unless you do it yourself, we won’t know that it’ll get better.”

“ _We_ don’t have anything to do with this. And I definitely don’t anymore.”

“How can you be so fucking apathetic?” Justin cried, throwing his hands up dramatically as if he were asking a higher power.

“What is your problem?”

“My problem is that your son’s been affected by blatant bigotry and you won’t do anything about it. You have to call this kid’s parents and make sure it’s handled before it gets out of control. If you even give a shit.”

“Look, you don’t tell me how to deal with my son, understand? And I’ll show you the same courtesy.”

“Fine. I won’t tell you a goddamn thing when it’s your son who’s lying on the pavement at his prom.”

Brian felt all the air leaving his lungs as they deflated completely. He felt like he had been exposed, cut open, stripped naked, as the emotion on his face must have been beyond obvious. Embarrassed, Brian turned his back on Justin as he mumbled a quiet, “oh.” He didn’t turn around when he heard the door opening and closing behind him.

~*~

Justin came home to find Brian sitting in silence on the couch with a cigarette burning in the ashtray. He dropped his bag by the door and kicked off his sneakers. Wasting no time, he made his way to couch and sat down next to Brian, who didn’t move. Didn’t look at him.

“I’m sorry,” Justin said, resting his hand on Brian’s knee. “I was totally out of line with what I said about Gus. I should never have-”

“Did I ever tell you what would keep me up at night?” Brian interrupted.

“What do you mean?”

“It wasn’t the blood, or the fact that you were barely breathing, or the fact that I was terrified. It was that sound. The sound of the bat cracking against your skull. I can still hear it. I’ll be able to hear it until the day I die. And Christ, how it would keep me up at night.”

Justin squeezed Brian’s knee a little tighter. “No. You never told me that. Then again, you and I, we never really talked about the bashing, did we? I mean, aside from when you were helping me to remember.”

Picking up the cigarette and bringing it to his lips, Brian took a long drag. “No, I guess we never did.”

“I don’t think I ever really recognized- acknowledged what you went through. And I’m sorry for that, too.”

“No need to apologize.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But you never really addressed it either.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Well... it’s never too late.”

Brian nodded once. Twice. On the second nod his face sunk forward. Justin saw that Brian’s jaw was clenched in a failing attempt to prevent it from shaking. He watched the defined muscles tightening as Brian’s breathing quickened. Looking up, Brian opened his eyes to reveal tears so rarely seen by anyone, including Justin. Especially Justin, who could count on one hand the number of times he had seen Brian cry. Really cry.

Despite his best efforts, Brian felt the saltwater streaking his face. Justin shook his head and smiled sadly.

“Don’t,” Justin cooed in an attempt to comfort, not reprimand. “It’s over.”

“That was a big night for me,” Brian confessed reluctantly.

“Yeah,” Justin agreed with a bitter snort of laughter. “Me too.”

“It was... it was the night that I realized that I loved you. That I was in love with you.”

Pressing his lips together into an impossibly thin line, Justin exhaled loudly through his nose. “Oh.”

“When they rolled you into surgery, and I thought that I might never see you again, touch you again, talk to you again... I thought, ‘this must be love.’”

“You never told me that.”

“No. I never told you that either. But I’m glad that I have now.”

Justin slowly lifted his right leg and swung it over Brian’s lap so that he was straddling his legs. He lowered himself onto Brian’s thighs and rested his elbows on his lover’s shoulders. Taking Brian’s face in his hands, Justin kissed the spot on his cheek where a tear had stopped.

“Me too.”

Brian folded his arms around Justin and pulled him against his chest. Justin’s fingers stroked the back of Brian’s neck and traveled through his hair. They sat in silence, and Justin refrained from admitting that the first time he saw Brian after the bashing was when he knew that Brian loved him back.

“I called the kid’s parents,” Brian said quietly into Justin’s ear. “I called the school and got his number and spoke to his parents about what happened.”

Justin didn’t ask how the conversation went. He didn’t need to know. “I’m really glad you did.”

“So am I.”

“It just terrified me to think that stuff like this was already happening to Gus, and he’s not even in middle school yet. You know how much he means to me, how he’s like a son to me.”

“I know,” Brian assured him. “And I love you for it.”

“Well, at least we learned one good thing from this whole experience.”

“What’s that?”

“Even if he is completely non-confrontational, the boy sure as hell can defend himself.”

Choking a laugh, Brian sniffled away the last few remaining tears. “He’s a tough kid.”

Justin smirked. “Like his dad.”

Brian pulled Justin impossibly closer. “Like you.”


	23. Spill

“Dad, come on! We’re already late!”

“It’s not my fault Justin forgot to set the alarm,” Brian muttered under his breath, a comment that won him a forceful but playful jab in the ribs. Rolling his eyes, Brian followed his galloping son across the soccer field to where his team was congregating. The soccer moms and dads were hovering close by, chatting quietly while glancing quickly over their shoulders so that their children wouldn’t notice.

Brian grabbed his gloves from his coat pocket and pulled them on. It was unusually cold, even for the last week of March; but Brian couldn’t complain. It was Gus’s first soccer game of the season, and it was Brian’s great pleasure to be the one to bring him. Every year he made sure to attend a few of the games, but as Gus had explained earlier, there was just something special about the first one. It was a whole new beginning, and Brian knew all about starting over.

Keeping his eye on Gus, Brian watched his son until he made his way over to the rest of his teammates. The coach gave Gus a high five before looking up and waving quickly to Brian, who nodded curtly. Justin stayed close to Brian like a five-year-old following his mother.

“What is up with you?”

“Don’t give me shit. I just feel kind of awkward.”

“It’s not like you haven’t come to his soccer games before.”

“I know, and you know I’m always like this.”

“Why? You have every right to be here.”

“Of course I do, and I know that,” Justin told him indignantly. “I feel like I did when I used to go watch Molly at her soccer games. Just- awkward.”

“Well, I’m glad you came,” Brian said, putting his hand on the small of Justin’s back. “And just so you know, so is Gus. Really glad.”

“Yeah?”

“When I picked him up yesterday, the first thing he asked me was if you were coming too today. I told him that you were, and he got all excited.”

Justin bit his lip in an attempt to suppress his smile. “He did?”

“How can you even pretend to act surprised by this? You know how he adores you,” Brian said mockingly.

“Well, the feeling’s mutual.”

Brian stared at Justin, soaking in his glowing image. It took every fiber of his being to push the thoughts of Justin naked and on his back in the middle of the soccer field from his mind. He was there for his son, after all.

“What?” Justin asked, unnerved by Brian’s staring.

“Just thinking about how fucking hot you are.”

Justin blushed and tugged at the collar of Brian’s coat. “Shut the fuck up.” And by that he meant go on.

“Yeah. Even with all those layers on. I like how you leave so much to the imagination.”

“Oh please. Like there’s a part of me you don’t know intimately like the back of your- uh-”

“Hand. Let’s go with hand.”

Tugging on Brian’s coat, Justin pulled him forward so he could give him a quick kiss. “That’s probably a good idea.”

“Brian? Justin?”

The pair heard their names being called from behind them, and they turned to see Lauren approaching with a warm grin.

“I thought it was you two.”

Brian smiled politely. He hadn’t seen her for weeks, but every time he did it was always a pleasure. “Hey Lauren. Long time no see.”

She nodded. “Yeah. How’ve you been.”

“Good,” Brian and Justin said in unison. Justin bit his lip so that he wouldn’t laugh at the groan he knew his partner was suppressing.

“It’s great that Gus and Jeremy were put on the same team this year, huh?”

Brian agreed though he hadn’t known they weren’t on the same team in past years. He wondered if that was something that he was supposed to have known.

“You know, I never imagined you as being the soccer mom type,” Lauren joked.

“We’re looking into minivans,” Justin said, nudging Brian with his elbow. “Right, Sweetie?”

Brian chuckled. “Right. And the Pope’s a fag,” he said in a saccharine voice.

“I’ve seen that car of yours, Brian,” Lauren informed him. “Very nice. Very... Batmobile.”

Justin coughed something that sounded a lot like “cockmobile” and snorted laughter at his own joke, so Brian decided to have a little fun with the name game.

“My car’s been called many things. My personal favorite has been ‘Boyfriend Replacement Therapy.’”

Justin stopped laughing and stared at Brian, his eyes wide and his lips parted with a mixture of shock and embarrassment.

“When did you call it that?”

“Oh, hey, look,” Brian said, nodding his head toward the field, “the boys are heading out. Game’s starting.”

Watching Gus on the field, Brian couldn’t help but feel a swell of pride in his chest. He liked that Gus reminded him of himself; even his movements seemed to mimic Brian’s. He saw Gus using some of the tricks that Brian had shown him when they would spend afternoons in the park, sometimes even convincing Justin to join in. The artist wasn’t much of a soccer player, but he was doing a damn good job as a cheerleader.

“Yeah, Gus! Go!” He cried from the sidelines, jumping up and down along with the other parents. Brian was jumping on the inside.

Halfway into the third quarter of the game, Brian’s cell phone rang. It was Ted’s office line; Brian answered reluctantly.

“Theodore?”

“Hey, Brian.”

“This better be important. I’m at-”

“I know, Gus’s soccer game. I’m sorry to call you but I have accounting at Remsen on the line, and they are demanding that they talk to you. Specifically you.”

“Shit. All right, connect me.” Brian looked at the field and saw Jeremy steal possession of the ball and dribbled down the field in one swift movement. Justin’s eyes were on Brian, asking what phone call could possibly be more important than his son’s soccer game.

“Remsen,” he said. Justin rolled his eyes. “I’ll be quick.”

After Brian stepped a few paces away so that he could hear the conversation, Justin turned his back on Brian to watch Gus. He figured one of them should. He knew that sometimes these things just couldn’t be helped, that sometimes there were phone calls Brian just had to take, but that didn’t make it right in Justin’s mind. After a minute or two had passed, Justin looked over his shoulder and saw that despite his important phone call, Brian was still watching the game intently.

Brian couldn’t have cared less about the accountant who was bitching to him about who-knows-what over the phone. Some money transfer issue that they felt Ted couldn’t possibly have dealt with, even though he was much better equipped to than Brian. All the ad exec wanted to do was keep his eye on the game, on the ball, on his son, who was playing so beautifully.

Five minutes into the conversation, Brian realized that he had lost track of Gus on the field. His eyes darted back and forth until finally he spotted him running down the field. A large kid who looked like he was starting high school, not finishing elementary school, was dribbling the ball toward Gus and had a look on his face that said he’d spill blood before giving up possession. But Gus wasn’t going down without a fight. He charged the kid at full speed and when he was less than a foot away, his right leg shot out in an attempt to steal the ball. The kid, who anticipated this, slammed his foot down on top of the ball, stopping it abruptly. Gus wasn’t expecting this. Instead of connecting with the ball, Gus’s foot caught on his opponent’s leg and before anyone knew what had happened, Gus was lying motionless on the ground.  



	24. Parental Rights

Brian saw what happened a second or two after it was over. Gus had been moving so quickly that when he tripped on the giant’s leg, he went flying. His body twisted in what seemed to Brian like slow motion. When he landed on the left side of his body, the side of his head ricocheted off the ground as he rolled onto his back. Brian wanted to- meant to cry out. Give Gus some kind of warning.

Brian was halfway across the field before he even realized that he was running.

“Gus!”

Brian felt like he was in a movie because no matter how hard his feet pounded against the grass, Gus’s small form lying on the ground never seemed to get any closer. He knew that Justin was right behind him; he could hear his lover calling Gus’s name, but the sound seemed to be coming from miles away.

When he reached Gus, the first thing he noticed was the blood leaking from the gash above his left temple. The blood mixed with dirt, which caked his hair and stuck to the side of his face. For a moment Brian just stood over Gus, trying to blink away the image of Justin lying on the ground, blood gushing from his head.

Falling to his knees next to Gus, Brian realized that there was a crowd formed around him. The giant stood at the front; his cheeks were flushed from running, but the rest of the color had drained from his face. For a fleeting moment Brian thought he might tackle the kid, which is when he remembered that’s all he was. Just a kid.

Brian’s heart was pounding. Hands shaking. Head spinning. Which was why it took him so long to realize that his son’s eyes were wide open, as if he were trying to figure out what just happened.

“Gus! Jesus, are you okay?” He asked, trying not to sound panicked, failing miserably.

The child looked right, then left. So did Brian. That’s when he first noticed Justin was kneeling beside him.

“I tripped,” Gus stated.

“Hey, kiddo,” Gus’s coach, who had also magically appeared beside Gus, said warmly. “Can you sit up?”

Brian wasn’t sure why he wanted to punch the guy.

Gus nodded calmly. “I think so.”

When he tried, he cried out and grabbed his left arm. Tears poured down his face; it was the first time Gus had indicated any sort of pain.

Brian inched as close to his son as possible and placed his hand on his stomach. “Gus, Sonny Boy, what is it?”

“Daddy, it hurts so bad! It hurts!” He wailed.

“You’re arm?”

Gus nodded. Brian looked down and saw that the fingers on Gus’s left hand were already twice the size of those on his right. Brian knew what this meant, but he wasn’t sure what this meant he was supposed to do. He looked around and saw Gus’s coach asking people to clear out, give them some room.

“I’m going to put on a makeshift splint,” he told Brian without kneeling back on the ground. “Then we’re going to clean off the cut on his head, then you can take him to the hospital. Do you need someone to call an ambulance?”

When Brian wasn’t sure why he wasn’t sure, he looked at Justin, who looked at the coach. “No, we’re good. We can drive him.”

Brian didn’t know what he would do without Justin, or how he knew how to be so calm and coherent at a moment like this. Then he wondered how long ago Justin had put one hand on Gus’s knee, and the other on Brian’s shoulder.

Brian lifted Gus and walked him off the field so the coach could splint his swollen arm. Sitting in Brian’s lap, the boy sobbed relentlessly as his coach wrapped the cloth around the makeshift splint that was pressed against his arm. Brian tried to sooth him, but he knew no words could make the pain go away. He looked at Justin, who was taping gauze onto the cut on Gus’s head. It looked like it had pretty much stopped bleeding. Brian watched Justin’s artist’s hand at work on Gus’s wound with a delicacy that Brian could only wish he had.

When Brian and Justin finally got Gus into the car and were ready to go, Brian heard Lauren calling out to him. He turned and saw her running from the field to the adjacent parking lot where the car was, waving his cell phone in the air.

“You dropped this on the field,” she told him, slightly out of breath.

He took it from her. He had forgotten all about Remsen’s dire call. “Oh... uh... thanks.”

Seeing Brian’s distressed expression and pallid appearance, Lauren smiled warmly and took his hand. “You’re fine,” she said. “You’re doing this just fine. Stuff like this happens.”

Brian smiled. She had no idea how much of a comfort that was for him to hear. “Thanks.”

“Of course.” Leaning past him, she looked into the car at Gus, who was whimpering in the back seat. “Feel better, sweetheart.”

Halfway to the hospital, Brian and Justin still hadn’t managed to get a hold of Melanie or Lindsay. Snapping his phone shut, Justin sighed and shook his head.

“Nothing?”

Justin shrugged. “Nothing.”

“You tried the house?”

“Three times.”

“And their cells?”

“Five times. Each.”

“Shit.” Brian glanced into the rearview mirror to make sure his righteous son didn’t hear the offensive word. But Gus was staring blankly out the window, looking very much like he was about to drift off. Brian hadn’t forgotten the way Gus’s head had collided with the ground when he fell, so he knew it was probably better that he stay awake.

“Gus? You all right back there?”

Justin looked over his shoulder to the back seat and saw that Gus was staring at his father. His eyes were puffy and red from crying; tears still lined the brims of his eyes.

“Yeah. Fine.”

“Do me a favor. Stay awake, Sonny Boy, all right?”

Gus didn’t have the energy to argue. “All right.”

“Hey, Justin?”

The blonde turned his attention back to Brian, whose eyes were back on the road. “Yeah?”

“Try calling again.”

“Brian if they didn’t pick up a minute and a half ago-”

“Could you just try please?”

“What is the big deal? I left messages, and when they call back, we’ll let them know what’s going on. Until then we can take care of this. I mean, you know all of Gus’s medical info and history, right?”

Brian sighed. “Yeah, I do. But it’s not that. It’s that... since I signed over... you know... I’m worried that they won’t...”

Placing a hand on Brian’s knee, Justin tried to ease a concern that had also crossed his mind. “You’re his father no matter what some piece of paper says.”

“I know that. But I’m just concerned that-”

“That what?” Justin lowered his voice. “Do you really think they won’t let you take him in? Worse comes to worse, I’ll have to wait in the waiting room, but I think we can all handle that.”

Brian couldn’t bring himself to admit that he didn’t know what he’d do if Justin couldn’t go with him into wherever it was that Gus would have to go. He felt helpless, lost, flustered, frustrated. He wondered why his paternal instincts weren’t kicking in. Why he didn’t just automatically know what to do. He hated the affirmation that giving up his parental rights was one of the best decisions he ever made, and that he simply wasn’t built to be a father.

He wondered why this was breaking his heart.

Justin eased Gus out of the car, and Brian stared at them, admiring the caution and delicacy with which he was able to get the boy into the parking lot. They entered the emergency room, which was crowded, but not packed. Brian felt Gus moving closer to him, nervously grabbing at his father’s coat.

Looking down, Brian stroked his hair and thought of the first time he saw Gus in the emergency room. The hysterics from Melanie. The frantic look on Lindsay’s face. He wondered if that’s how he looked right now.

“It’s all right, Sonny Boy.”

Triage was simple enough, and Brian had made a point a long time ago of remembering Gus’s medical history. He also understood now why Melanie and Lindsay always insisted that he take Gus’s health insurance card, even if it was just for the weekend.

Now was the part that Brian knew so well of being in an emergency room: the waiting. This time, however, the patient was sitting beside him, never leaving his side.

“How’re you holding up there, Gus?” Brian asked as they entered they’re second post-triage hour in the waiting room.

“So bored,” he moaned, his head falling against his father’s arm.

With perfect timing, Justin returned from his hunt for a gift shop. “Check out what I scored.”

He held out a word search book, and Brian helped Gus open it across his lap. The child could not have looked more relieved.

“It’s a good thing I’m a righty.”

“Funny, that didn’t sound like a thank you to me,” Justin scolded.

“Thanks for the word searches, Justin,” Gus said mechanically.

“Much better,” he said, running his fingers over Gus’s forehead and through his hair. “Hmm, you feel much cooler. Guess the Tylenol kicked in.”

When Gus’s temperature read nearly one-hundred-one degrees, Brian nearly had a panic attack. That was until the nurse explained that it was common for people to develop slight fevers after sustaining injuries such as the one to his arm.

“Since when was one-hundred point eight a slight fever?” Brian asked.

The nurse gave a smirking Justin a knowing glance.

“I mean, could it be a sign of head trauma? A concussion.”

Smiling, the patient woman shook her head. “Rarely. More common signs are nausea, dizziness, headaches, loss of memory, symptoms that Gus is not showing. But I’m sure the doctors will suggest a head scan if they feel it’s necessary.”

Brian was about to ask more questions when he realized it wasn’t doing anything to calm his nerves. Nothing would.

Fifteen minutes after the arrival of the word searches, Gus was called for x-rays. No one stopped Justin from walking with them to the room, but he didn’t try his luck by attempting to enter. Brian held Gus’s hand all the way to the table where the x-ray technician removed the splint. Despite the slow and careful movements, tears flowed from Gus’s eyes as the technician adjusted his arm on the x-ray film.

“Have you ever had an x-ray taken before, Gus?” he asked, trying to draw the crying child’s attention from his discomfort.

Gus nodded but couldn’t speak. When the technician told Brian he would have to leave his son and stand behind the glass, Gus sobbed harder.

“Don’t Dad!” Gus pleaded through his hysterics.

Crouching down, Brian placed his hand on the back of Gus’s neck. “I have to. They won’t take the x-ray until I do.”

“It really, really hurts so much.”

“I know it does. But the sooner they take the x-ray, the sooner they can patch you up.”

Nodding reluctantly, Gus sighed a heavy, shuddering breath. Brian’s eyes never left Gus as he walked away to stand beside the technician.

“I have a daughter about his age,” he said casually, flipping a few switches. Brian looked at his nametag: Justin Conners. Of course. Brian smirked.

“I know how you must feel right now.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Teresa, my daughter, she broke her shin in school a few months ago. She’s fine and all, but at the time you would have thought the world was ending.”

“You mean it isn’t?”

Justin laughed. “What with the way they carry on... believe it or not, it isn’t. It’s just that you feel helpless, you know?”

Brian tucked his hands in his pockets. “Yeah. I do.”

Pressing a button, Justin took the first x-ray. When it was done, he walked out from behind the protective glass and moved the film around for the next x-ray. Every time Gus flinched in pain, Brian winced. He was ready for this to be over.

Justin came back and started playing with the switches again. “So that guy who’s with you, he your brother?”

“No. He’s my boyfriend,” Brian told him nonchalantly, not that it was any of this guy’s fucking business.

“Huh.”

Brian waited for the man to have some other response, something more elaborate. But that was it.

“His name’s Justin, too.” Brian wondered why he was telling him this.

He wore a bemused grin as he continued to prepare the next shot. “What a coincidence. Maybe it’s good luck.”

“Oh yeah. Today’s my lucky day.”

When Brian and Gus left the x-ray room, Justin was waiting outside. He frowned when he saw Gus’s tear-streaked face. He knew what it was like to be tossed around by doctors. He held Gus’s uninjured hand as they followed a nurse to an examination room. Brian lifted Gus onto the exam table where he lied down and closed his eyes.

“Is it okay if I take a nap?”

“Sure,” Brian said. “We’ll wake you up when the doctor gets here.”

“Brian, can I talk to you outside?” Justin asked as Gus drifted off. When Brian seemed unsure about leaving Gus, Justin added quietly, “Just out of earshot.”

They stepped outside of the room next to the door so that Brian could keep an eye on his son. Justin spoke in a hushed voice.

“I got in touch with Mel.”

“Oh?” Now Brian knew why they were out of earshot.

Justin nodded. “Actually, she got in touch with me. She finally got one of the messages I left her.”

“Finally. Where the fuck were they?”

“Something about Lamaze and no service and cell phones off and blah, blah, whatever. The point is, Mel did not sound happy.”

“How not happy are we talking?” Brian asked. He wasn’t surprised.

“Extremely not happy. Snappy, anxious, my son was in an accident unhappy.”

“Did she say anything to you?”

“Well... yes...” Justin answered reluctantly. He could already see the insults forming in Brian’s brain.

“Now listen to me Brian,” Justin said sternly. “This is what I wanted to talk to you about. No matter what she says or how she says it, I want you to keep calm. Don’t... engage.”

“She’s going to find a way to make this my fault,” Brian groaned. “I know she is.”

“It doesn’t matter. Look, no matter what she says, you have to think of Gus. If you guys get into it, it’s only going to upset him more.”

Brian knew that Justin was right, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. “When is she getting here?”

“She said about forty minutes. Maybe less. She has to drop Lindsay off before coming over.”

“Why the fuck isn’t Lindsay coming?”

“She’s almost eight months pregnant, Brian. The last thing she needs is to be dragged all over a hospital.”

Before Brian could argue pointlessly, he saw a doctor approaching Gus’s room. Hastily grabbing Justin’s wrist, he walked back into the room while yanking Justin behind him. He gently squeezed Gus’s shoulder to wake him.

“Hey, Sonny Boy, the doctor is here.”

Gus’s eyes fluttered open. “Have I been sleeping long?”

Brian smiled and shook his head. “Only about ten minutes.”

“Oh.” Gus sat up. “Does he have the x-rays of my arm bones?”

Brian chuckled. “Let’s hope so.”

The physician introduced himself upon entering the room. “Hello. I’m Doctor Meade.”

The first thing Brian noticed was the young doctor’s Irish accent. Next he noticed how unbelievably attractive the man was. He looked like being tall, dark, and handsome was his job. Discreetly, he eyed Dr. Meade from head to toe, his eyes lingering somewhere in the middle. At the same time, he felt Justin’s eyes all over himself.

“Brian,” he finally said, shaking the doctor’s hand. Dr. Meade then turned to Justin, who introduced himself casually. The doctor didn’t inquire further. Brian was silently thankful for that blessing.

“And this must be Gus.”

Gus smiled bashfully. “Hi.”

The doctor smiled warmly at the child. “Nervous, Gus?”

He nodded.

“Don’t be. We’ll have you all fixed up in no time.”

Pulling the x-rays from a large brown envelope, Dr. Meade fastened them against the light on the wall. He turned it on, and though Brian wasn’t a doctor, he could clearly see the fracture dividing the bone in Gus’s left arm. It reminded Brian of a similar fracture that he had sustained as a child of about Gus’s age, except his wasn’t caused by an innocent soccer accident; rather by a much larger, older man. Brian clenched his fist to prevent the shiver at the base of his spine from travelling any farther.

“As you can probably see here,” the doctor explained casually, “Gus has a fracture to his left ulna, which is the bone right there,” he continued, using his pen as a pointer.

“So I’m gonna need a cast?” Gus asked.

“‘Fraid so, Gus. Also, because the bone is fractured all the way through at such an angle, I’m going to have to set it back in place before I put the cast on.”

Gus seemed uneasy about this. “What does that mean?”

“It means I’m going to very quickly just click that bone right back into place so that when it heals it’s not crooked. You wouldn’t want it to be crooked now, do you?”

Gus shook his head. “But will it hurt?” he asked in a simpering tone as if he already knew the answer.

“It will,” Dr. Meade answered frankly. “But I’ve been doing this for a long time, and it’s going to be so quick, it’ll be over before you know it.”

“Are you going to do it right now?” Brian asked.

Dr. Meade nodded. “Yeah. I just have to prep to plaster for the cast.”

When the doctor was ready to proceed, Gus started shaking his head as tears sprung into his eyes. “Dad, I don’t want him to. It’s going to hurt so much.”

“I know, Gus. But as sooner you get it over with, the better.”

“Will you hold my hand?”

Brian was almost offended that he even had to ask. “Of course.”

When he took Gus’s uninjured hand, Gus buried his face in Brian’s chest. It was a moment before he could feel the dampness soaking his sweater. In one swift motion, Dr. Meade took hold of Gus’s slim arm and snapped the bone back into place. Gus screamed like Brian had never heard before, and he wrapped his free arm around his son and squeezed as tight as he could. His eyes traveled over his shoulder to Justin, who was watching with a horrified fascination. His fingers were spread over slightly parted lips, and the way he flinched and flared his nostrils made it seem like he felt the bone being set in his own skin.

Twenty-five minutes after the bone was set, Brian, Justin, and Gus waited for Dr. Meade’s return to tell them that they were good to go. Just as Gus began to calm down, Melanie arrived. Brian thought he heard the Wicked Witch theme music playing when she rushed frantically into the room, but he realized that it was only his imagination. Not that it would have been inappropriate. When she walked into the room, she didn’t even acknowledge that Brian and Justin were there. Her eyes were on Gus and only Gus. At least that Brian could understand.

“Mommy!”

“Hey, honey,” she said softly, wrapping her arms gently around him. He hugged her eagerly. When he let go, she took his face in her hands and kissed his cheeks.

“Oh my baby,” she cooed. “How are you? Are you all right?”

Gus shook his head. “My arm really hurts. It’s broken, and the doctor had to set it back in place. I can’t even believe how much it hurts!”

“My poor sweetheart.”

“I got tripped playing soccer. It was so fast.”

“I know, baby. Justin told me on the phone.”

“The doctor should be back soon,” Brian said, figuring it was about time that Melanie pretended to give a shit that he was there. “Then we should be able to get out of here.”

“That’s good,” she said without turning around. “All right, Gus. As soon as the doctor gets back we’ll go home and you can get some rest.”

“Excuse me?” Brian said, stepping forward.

Now Melanie turned around. She looked at him as if she didn’t understand what the question was. “I’m taking him home,” she said pointedly, enunciating each word, as if English weren’t Brian’s first language. Justin tensed; he knew where this was going.

“Like hell you are,” he said. “He’s spending this weekend with me.”

“Well now there’s been a change of plans,” she said coolly. “He’s injured and needs to be with his parents.”

Brian couldn’t believe that she had just said that, especially in front of Gus. “What exactly am I then?”

“You know what I meant,” Melanie said, rolling her eyes.

“Clearly, I don’t. Why don’t you explain it to me.”

Shaking her head, Melanie adjusted her purse on her shoulder. “This is ridiculous. You don’t have the right to make me explain to you why I am taking my son home.”

Brian had never in his life wanted to hit a woman like he wanted to hit Melanie at that moment. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean.”

“Brian...”

“No, Justin! Don’t... say it,” he scolded sternly.

Justin’s face became deathly serious. “Both of you. Take it outside.”

Brian was so furious it didn’t register that his feet were taking him into the hallway outside of Gus’s room. Once they were out there, he let loose.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“I am his mother!”

“And I am his father!”

“Oh yeah,” she laughed incredulously. “Now.”

“Fuck you, Melanie. It is my weekend with him, and I am perfectly capable of making sure he’s okay, broken arm or not. So don’t you ever pull the parental rights card on me! Rights you wouldn’t even have if I hadn’t given them up to you.”

“And thank God for that.”

Brian clenched his fists so tightly that he thought his nails were breaking skin. “How can you stand there and power-trip on your rights to my son. That’s pretty fucking sick if you ask me.”

“Well I didn’t ask you, because I don’t have to.”

“Goddamn bitch.”

“And you’re a selfish prick.”

“You know, the next time there’s a crisis where you need to pull me out of work, or you need my partner to pick him up from school, or you need me to write you a check, figure out an alternative. You say I can’t pick and choose when I’m his father when clearly it’s just a matter of convenience to you, you hypocritical cunt!”

Brian turned around and walked back into the room before Melanie had a chance to respond, but not before he was able to get a look at the offended, guilty expression on her face. He hadn’t even noticed that Dr. Meade had returned and was already leaving the room. Brian’s eyes were on Justin, who had wrapped his arm around Gus and was whispering something to him. Gus looked up at his father; Brian wanted to look away. He felt ashamed.

“Dr. Meade said we can go him,” Gus said softly, as if he were afraid to speak.

“All right then. Let’s go home.”


	25. Accept No Substitutes

“You said what?!”

Melanie watched her angry wife pacing in front of their bed. “I know. It’s awful.”

“That’s a start. And not even a very good one.”

“I know. You’re absolutely right. I don’t have to like him, but I shouldn’t have said what I did. I was completely out of line and believe me when I say I feel absolutely terrible about it.”

“Damn right you do. And you should. I mean, what the hell were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t thinking. I was upset. He’s my son, Lindsay.”

“And he is Brian’s son too! Every bit as much as he is mine or yours! Just because Brian isn’t legally his guardian doesn’t mean he loves him any less than we do.”

“Linz, how many times can I apologize? What else do you want me to do?”

“But I’m not the one you should be apologizing to, Mel!”

“I know that, but do you think if I went over there that he’d even let me through the front door?”

Crossing her arms, Lindsay continued to pace. “You’re right, but I still don’t like this.”

“I know, Honey, but please sit down already. You’ll work yourself up and go into labor.”

“I can’t sit. I’m too upset.”

“Lindsay-”

Before Melanie could get out another word, Jenny came traipsing into the room in her nightgown. She hopped up onto the bed and jumped over to Melanie, throwing her arms around her mother’s neck.

“I finished brushing my teeth all myself, Mama,” she announced proudly. “Can we have a story now?”

“In a minute, baby,” Melanie said, pushing a few strands of hair behind her daughter’s ear. “Why don’t you go pick out the story and I’ll be there in five minutes, tops.”

“Okay,” Jenny agreed before hopping off the bed. “Can I say goodnight to the baby first?”

Lindsay nodded. “Of course you can.”

Jenny approached her mother, and Lindsay lifted her shirt, exposing her swollen belly. Jenny put her hands on the taut skin, staring at her mother’s stomach in amazement before kissing it.

“Night, Baby!”

Lindsay smiled and leaned over as best she could so that her daughter could hug her. “Goodnight, Jenny.”

“Night, Mommy. I love you.”

“You too, my love.”

As soon as Jenny was down the hall, tears sprung to Lindsay’s eyes. Throat burning, she felt as though someone were pinching her windpipe. Taking a deep breath, she slipped on her shoes and grabbed her car keys.

“Where are you going?”

“Where do you think?” she asked. But she wasn’t angry anymore.

Melanie nodded. “Right.”

“I’ll be back soon. I just have to-”

“I know, Honey. Just drive carefully, okay?”

“Of course.” Lindsay gave Melanie a quick kiss on the lips before putting on her coat and leaving the house.

~*~

Even hours after getting back from the hospital, Brian never quite settled down from his altercation with Melanie. Justin tried not to step on his lover’s toes, but he managed to do everything wrong for the rest of the day. He tried to be understanding- for a while, at least. Brian was freaked out by what happened to Gus and upset about what Mel had said to him. But there was only so much a man could take.

Gus was situated watching TV, so Justin got up to get a bottle of water. When he walked behind the island, he bumped into Brian before getting the fridge. Unsurprisingly, Brian took great offense to this.

“Would you watch where you’re going?”

“Sorry.”

“Fuck that. What the fuck is-”

“Oh, enough, Brian!”

“What?”

“I’ve tried to stay out of your way because I know you’re upset, but this is ridiculous. You’re ridiculous.”

“Don’t tell me how to-”

“Don’t take out your issues with Mel on me! I’ve spent too many years of my life being other people’s punching bag.”

Brian sighed; he knew he was in the wrong. “I’m-”

“Don’t apologize,” Justin said, cutting him off. “Just don’t do it.”

Taking Justin’s face in his hands, Brian pressed their lips together. Justin’s arms wrapped around Brian’s waist, his hands travelling from the base of Brian’s back to his shoulders. Just as Brian pushed his tongue into his lover’s mouth, there was a knock at his door. Justin pulled back with a smirk.

“Probably best that-”

“Uh huh,” Brian agreed with a smirk.

“You go sit with your son, I’ll get the door.”

Justin pulled open the heavy loft door and found Lindsay on the other side. Immediately he felt nervous, and before he even said hello, he was looking behind himself to see if Brian knew who was at the door. But he was busy watching TV with Gus.

“Hey, Justin,” Lindsay said with a gentle voice that told him she knew what he was worried about. He whipped his head back to look at her, a distressed smile on her features.

“Hey, Linz,” he said, leaning in to give her a kiss on the cheek. “How are you?”

“Been better.”

“I can imagine,” he told her with an understanding nod. His hand traveled absently to her stomach. “How are things going in there?”

“Everything’s fine in there,” she assured him. “It’s what’s going on out here that I need to work out.”

“Gotcha. Do you want me to get-” Justin stopped himself when he looked back and saw that Brian was already heading toward the door.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Justin said before turning around and mouthing ‘be nice’ to his partner, who ignored him completely.

Brian approached the door, his bare feet padding softly against the wood. Lindsay focused for a moment on his perfectly manicured toes and tried to remember what her feet looked like. Forcing herself to be calm, she made a silent promise not to let herself become overly emotional. She didn’t want to be _that_ pregnant woman.

“You here to check up on me?” Brian asked angrily before Lindsay had a chance to speak. It was pretty much what she had been expecting.

“No. I’m here to see my son.”

“Well, he’s still alive as you can see... from the door.”

Lindsay wasn’t sure how much of this she could take. But she had to remain in control. “I’m not worried about you, Brian. Though I do want to apologize-”

“What are you apologizing for?”

“You know damn well who I’m apologizing for. Don’t patronize me, Brian.”

“That fact that you have to do it for her at all says all I need to know.”

“Oh please, Brian,” Lindsay scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Had Mel come here herself you wouldn’t even have opened the door. I wasn’t even sure you’d open it for me.”

Brian hated that Lindsay knew him so well, that she was right. “Well next time you have to come here and apologize on her behalf for something like this, you had better bring your lawyer because I sure as hell will be calling mine if you ever try to keep Gus from me again!”

“Please don’t do this, Brian.”

“I didn’t do anything. Not yet.”

“Don’t threaten me. After everything we’ve been through, especially with Gus, I know you don’t want to put him through that. And I hope you care enough about me not to do that. Whatever the problem is, we can work it out like the grown ups we pretend to be.”

Crossing his arms, Brian fixed his eyes on Lindsay’s swelled stomach. For a moment he forgot what he was so upset about because he couldn’t move past the fact that Justin’s baby was in there. He shook his head and forced his attention back on Lindsay’s face. He supposed he could try being an adult.

“The way Melanie talked to me was unacceptable.”

“That’s part of the reason I came over here tonight. Mel and I both feel awful about what she said at the hospital. She had no right to talk to you the way she did, or to say the things she did. You are every bit as much the father as Mel or I am his mother. I told Mel the same. I hope you can accept our apology.”

Brian remained silent for a moment before asking, “So what’s the other reason you came?”

Lindsay sighed and let down her guard. Her eyes fell upon Gus, who was in a daze watching TV.

“I just need to see him. Hug him. Make sure he’s all right.”

“You’re his mother. I can’t stop you.”

“I also needed to make sure we’re okay,” she told him. “Are we?”

Brian considered this. He thought about what Justin had said just a few minutes before, about not projecting blame. Lindsay would never tell him that he didn’t have a right to have Gus, she would never even think it.

“We’re fine,” he told her. She sighed her relief as he took her into his arms and held her for a moment. A few renegade tears escaped from her eyes as Brian said again, “We’re fine.”

When Lindsay leaned back, Brian used his thumb to wipe away a tear that had stopped on her cheek before leaning in and giving her lips a chaste kiss.

“I’m gonna go see Gus.”

“Of course.”

Brian watched Lindsay approaching their son, her slow, graceful, pregnant waddle. He smiled to himself never looking away. When Lindsay tapped Gus’s shoulder, he turned around and jumped off of the couch.

“Mommy!” he cried excitedly, running around the couch to his mother. He hugged her tightly but gently, careful not to harm her stomach. Lindsay covered Gus’s head with kisses. Her fingers were gently stroking the back of his neck, and for a moment they looked like one person. Brian barely noticed Justin walking toward him.

“That went well,” he said with a self-satisfied smirk.

“I tried to be gentle.”

“Good boy,” Justin said and received a harsh slap on the ass.

~*~

At some ungodly hour in the morning, Brian and Justin were woken by Gus’s agonized moaning. Brian leapt out of bed and ran to Gus’s side; Justin wasn’t far behind. He knelt down and tried to calm his son, who couldn’t stop crying.

“It hurts! It hurts!”

Scooping Gus into his arms, Brian carried the child back to his bed where Justin was waiting with the doctor-suggested dose of children’s Tylenol. Gus took a deep breath and swallowed down the sticky liquid, tears still pouring down his face. Justin watched Brian holding Gus against his chest, stroking his hair and saying whatever soothing thing he could think of. Somehow, this seemed to be enough to comfort the nine-year-old. Eventually the sobbing eased to a mere whimper, and before long, Gus was asleep.


	26. My Father's Son

Brian got out of the car and walked around to the passenger’s side to open the door for Lindsay. Her left arm held on to Brian’s, and her right hand supported her back as she hoisted herself out of the car. It took her a moment to find her balance, and Brian wasn’t letting go until he knew she was steady. Even once she was stable on her feet, Lindsay didn’t let go of Brian’s arm. He led her to the sidewalk.

“Thanks again for doing this,” she said, putting her other hand onto his arm. “I mean, last minute and all.”

“It’s no problem, really,” Brian said. “I figure since I missed out on all these opportunities when you were pregnant with Gus, I might as well make up for it now with this kid.”

“I really hope you’re not doing this out of guilt, Brian,” Lindsay said, her hands planted on her hips.

“Oh, did I leave out the part where I’m doing it because I love you?”

Lindsay found herself crumbling at Brian’s smile. She couldn’t believe that even at forty- uh- almost thirty-nine, he still had that power over her. Leaning in, Brian pressed his lips onto Lindsay’s.

“Yeah, yeah, love you too.”

The pair walked into the building and headed for the Lamaze center. Brian knew that he didn’t really belong there, that it should be Melanie or Justin, but it wasn’t so bad being plan C. In fact, he really liked feeling involved.

“So Justin’s visiting Molly, huh?”

Brian nodded. “Yup. He’s coming back today, actually. Should be home before I get back.”

“Molly’s at- uh- oh, where again?”

“Cornell.”

“That’s so great,” Lindsay said with little enthusiasm. She was distracted looking for the room.

“Yeah. She’s a bright girl.”

“I can’t believe this baby is going to have a nineteen-year-old aunt,” Lindsay told him offhandedly. “I mean, how old was Claire when Gus was born?”

“Too old,” Brian scoffed.

“Huh?”

“Thirty-four.”

“Oh, right.”

“So why can’t Mel be here again?”

“Oh, some big case or other. It’s a good thing Deb could take the kids on such short notice. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

“What would any of us do?” Brian agreed.

“She’s unbelievable.”

“I talked to Mel last night,” Brian blurted out, though he figured she probably already knew.

This stopped her in her tracks. Apparently she didn’t. “You did, did you?”

“Yeah.”

“And...”

“And, I think we’re okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. She called to talk to Justin- or at least she said she did, but I know she knew he was out of town. Anyway, she told me that she had been meaning to call me. To apologize for how she behaved in the hospital. I told her I shouldn’t’ve called her a cunt. And that was pretty much it.”

“Oh, Brian, it makes me so glad to hear that.”

“I thought it might.”

“I was just so worried that this would turn into a big thing, you know? And then Gus would get stuck in the middle and that’s about the worst thing I could imagine happening to him.”

“Well, one day Mel and I will grow up and learn to control our tempers.”

Lindsay shook her head. “In some ways I suppose it’s my fault, too.”

“How’s that?”

“I guess part of me knew that having you be Gus’s father would be a mistake-”

“A mistake, huh?” Brian asked, interrupting Lindsay as he shook her hand off of his arm. “That’s just what every father wants to hear.”

They had stopped in the hall just outside the door of their destination. Facing each other, Brian and Lindsay locked eyes but said nothing. Brian could tell that Lindsay was searching for a way to remedy what she had just said.

“That came out wrong.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure! I just meant that I knew you and Mel couldn’t stand each other but I chose you anyway. I mean, I’m sure it comes as no surprise to you that she objected to having you as the sperm donor. The father.”

“No. I’m not surprised.”

“And, to be honest, part of the reason Mel agreed was because we thought that you wouldn’t give us problems about not being the parent. Not to say that you wouldn’t be involved, of course. But like I told you almost ten years ago, Gus was supposed to be Mel’s and mine, not yours and mine. So when you challenged her authority the other day, it- I don’t know, freaked her out, I guess.”

“I just... I didn’t expect to love him as much as I have. I actually planned not to love him at all.”

Lindsay was in the habit of smiling in a way that Brian identified as definitively motherly. He loved that about her.

“There were a lot of things none of us planned on. I didn’t plan for Gus to have a third and practically fourth parent if you count Justin. But I want you to know that I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Taking Brian’s perfectly manicured hand, Lindsay pressed it gently against her stomach. “I’m glad that you’re a part of this.”

The question that had been torturing Brian for the past eight months was tugging at his tongue and begging to pass his lips. But he wouldn’t let it. He could see from Lindsay’s slightly concerned stare that she knew something was bothering him, but she didn’t ask what. Instead, she smiled warmly, held his hand, and led him through the door to the Lamaze center.

To Brian it was a lot like walking into the midwife’s office. All that was different was the blonde’s arm that he was on. There were breeders everywhere, and he was somewhat fascinated by the fact that he and Lindsay looked like two of them. Unless these people had met Melanie, they probably just assumed that they were husband and wife, or that he was at least the father.

“How many classes have to done so far?”

“One,” Lindsay informed him as she took off her coat.

“One? Isn’t it a bit late to be starting an entire course?” Brian could’ve sworn that Lindsay was coming to these things with Mel for weeks when she was pregnant with Gus.

“This is just a refresher course. Since I’ve already taken Lamaze, this is only to go over the basics. There’s only one more class after this.”

“Gotcha. You’re an old pro.”

“Well, I’m a pro. I don’t know about old.”

“A young pro,” Brian said, quickly correcting himself.

“That’s better.”

Sitting on their mat like all the other couples, Brian did as he was told and coached Lindsay through her breathing. When he found himself practicing the techniques with her, Lindsay started to chuckle, which set him off.

“If I had known you were going to be so enthusiastic,” Lindsay whispered through her soft giggles, “I would have asked you to come sooner.”

“Haha. Now get back to your breathing.”

The pair behaved for a few minutes before Lindsay asked, “Did Justin tell you about his idea for a middle name for the baby?”

Brian shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

“He thought it would be nice- Mel and I agree- to make the baby’s middle name Victor if it’s a boy or Victoria if it’s a girl.”

“I think that’s a really great idea,” Brian told her with a nod. “Have you told Debbie?”

“We though it’d be a nice surprise.”

“Sure.”

“Justin was hesitant to suggest it, because Vic wasn’t related to either of us. He just said that Vic had been like a father to all of us in a way.”

“He’s right.”

“Absolutely. Thinking back, I’m sorry we didn’t name Jenny for him. I guess with all that was going on we just didn’t really think too much about it, which seems silly since it was our child. But at least we have the chance with this baby. God- Justin has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met.” Lindsay said the last line dreamily, her eyes misting over as she stared off into space.

“Yeah, he does,” Brian agreed. He secretly loved hearing others gush about his boyfriend.

“You are so lucky, Brian, to have him in your life. We all are.”

Brian inhaled deeply and then exhaled slowly in unison with Lindsay. “I really, really am.”

“I mean, if it weren’t for him, we wouldn’t be here right now. There would be no baby, none of this.”

Brian felt that burning question rising in his throat for the second time in half an hour. He stared at his nails to avoid eye contact with Lindsay. But that was too obvious, he was caught. Lindsay squeezed his hand as she tried to get him to lift his face to hers with her voice.

“Brian? What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Has anyone every told you haw transparent you are?” Lindsay asked him, her fingers gently tracing the line of his jaw.

Only Justin, all the time. “Once or twice.”

“Well I’m telling you now. What’s going on?”

Brian thought for a long time about whether or not he wanted to tell Lindsay what he had been harboring in his head for months. Part of him just wanted to say it, to have it be done. The other part felt that it wouldn’t be fair to unload his emotional baggage at Lindsay’s feet. It wasn’t her problem. But the look on her face told Brian that she wasn’t going to be letting this go any time soon, so he ran his fingers through his hair and just said it.

“I know... I know that I haven’t been a very good father-”

“Excuse me?” Lindsay said, cutting him off as she shook her head in disbelief. “Where would you get an idea like that?”

“It doesn’t take a genius, Linz.”

“Obviously not.”

“I mean it!”

Sighing with exasperation, Lindsay crossed her arms. “What are you always telling people about self pity, Brian?”

“That it makes my dick soft?” he whispered, not sure where she was going with this.

“Right. Take some of your own advice. You sound so pathetic right now.”

Lindsay heaved herself off of the mat, refusing Brian’s help when he tried to help her stand. She stormed out of the room halfway through the class and all eyes followed her through the door. Once she was gone, everyone watched Brian to wait and see what he would do. Standing quickly, Brian tried to leave as inconspicuously as he could.

When he found Lindsay, she was leaning against a wall just outside of the room. Her left hand was planted on her hip and her right was covering her eyes. She wept quietly and didn’t acknowledge Brian’s presence. He stepped toward her and touched her arm gently; she shook him off.

“Don’t touch me!” she insisted through her sobbing. “Just leave me alone.”

“Why are you crying?” Brian asked, not backing down.

“I don’t know,” she admitted, moving her hand away from her face. “Normally I think it would take a lot more than... you.”

Brian wasn’t sure what to say, so he said nothing and just waited for Lindsay to continue.

“You’re such an asshole. Do you know how it makes me feel to hear you say that you think you haven’t been a good father?”

“Obviously not very good.”

“It makes me fucking angry! I know what you think. That you haven’t been there enough, that you should be more involved, that you’re going to be like your father. But I think you forget even though I’ve told you before- not half an hour ago, in fact, Gus wasn’t supposed to be mine and yours. That fact that you care at all is amazing in and of itself. And to care as much as you do is just beyond anything we- I could have hoped for. So how dare you think that you haven’t been a good father?”

“Then why didn’t you ask me to be the sperm donor?” Brian blurted out though he was going for something more apologetic.

Lindsay’s expression changed from one of fury to one of confusion. “What?”

“If I’ve been as good of a father as you say, and we had an agreement that I would donate sperm for you, then why ask Justin? I mean, I know why Melanie didn’t want me, but you? Why didn’t you even ask?”

Now it was Brian’s turn to be angry. The question that had been slowly burning a hole in the pit of his stomach for months was out in the open. He realized how selfish and childish he sounded, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was knowing what he did that wasn’t good enough.

“Melanie and I spent a lot of time talking about who we should ask to be the father, I want you to know that.” Her voice was soft and cautious.

“Okay.”

“And- maybe I was wrong- but I had the impression over the years that you didn’t want to father another child.”

Brian couldn’t argue there. “I didn’t. But the point is we had a deal, and you didn’t even ask me. Because if you had asked me, Lindsay, I would have said yes in a heartbeat.”

“I don’t doubt that, Brian. But the reason we asked Justin first was- as strange as this might sound- because we thought he might like the opportunity.”

“The opportunity?”

“We love Justin dearly, as you know, and let’s face it, you and he are never going to have children of your own. So we thought he might like this chance to have a child that was his. Don’t think that your name didn’t come up while we were trying to decide, and it wasn’t an easy decision to make.”

“I never... never thought it was.”

“It breaks my heart to know that this made you doubt how I felt about your relationship with Gus. Why didn’t you just come and talk to me about it in the first place?”

“I didn’t know how to say it without making it sound like it just sounded,” Brian explained reluctantly.

Just when he thought she was finished, Lindsay started crying again. “God. It’s like two steps forward and one step back with you. For someone who values honesty so much you sure have a hard time practicing it. So here’s a little truth for you: you are a good father. You love Gus, and he loves you. And no matter what you think or how hard you think it, you are not your father.”

Brian had heard those exact words many times from various sources, but never from Lindsay, the mother of his child. Hearing it from her changed everything. It made the affirmation something real, something he could believe.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

Brian wrapped his arms around Lindsay and she hugged him back. He felt her lips graze his jaw as she gave him a tender, chaste kiss and asked again, “For what?” But Brian didn’t answer; there weren’t words for what he was finally letting go.

~*~

When Brian got back to the loft, he saw that Justin was back and had fallen asleep on the couch while reading a book that was resting on his chest. The book rose and fell with each deep, even breath that Justin took. Smiling at the sight of his lover, Brian approached him quietly. He knelt down in front of the couch and just watched him sleeping for a few minutes. Normally, Brian would have just let him sleep, but what he had to say was too important to wait.

He woke Justin by running his fingers gently through his long, golden locks. It took a minute, but sure enough Justin’s eyes fluttered open. He blinked away the sleep and squinted at Brian, leaning over him.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Justin said, half-sigh half-yawn. “When did you get back?”

“Just now.” Brian noticed that his fingers were still in his hair. “I was just about to ask you the same thing.”

Justin looked at his watch. “About an hour ago. Long trip. I tried to read but conked out on the couch instead.” He paused so that he could take a deep breath. “I missed you.”

“You too. How’s Molly?”

“Great. Really great. How was Lamaze?” Justin asked as he stretched. When he did this, his toes pointed and his arms went over his head. His shirt lifted up slightly, exposing his navel, so Brian moved his hand from Justin’s hair to his stomach under his shirt. He rubbed the smooth skin, loving how Justin was always so soft and warm, especially right after he had woken up.

“It was... informative. To say the least.”

Justin grinned, and Brian took this opportunity to press a kiss on Justin’s lips. He could feel his lover’s smile broadening underneath his mouth. When he sat back up, Brian just watched as Justin rubbed the last bit of sleep from his eyes.

“So, what’s up?”

“Your father is a douche bag.”

Justin’s face was priceless, the way his brow furrowed and his lips parted slightly. Brian wished he could bottle and sell it; he could already imagine the ads for such a look in the pages of popular magazines and on billboards on the sides of major highways.

“I mean it. A real fucking-doesn’t-deserve-you asshole.” Brian, unfortunately, could think of a time when this applied to himself.

Justin licked his lips before sucking in and chewing on the lower one. “Uh huh...”

Brian took Justin’s face in his hands and rubbed his cheeks with his thumbs. “And you are not him.”

“I know that,” Justin whispered, turning his face and kissing Brian’s palm. Justin put his hands on Brian’s wrists but didn’t move his palms from his cheeks. For some reason, it seemed as though Brian needed the reassurance.

“I know.”

“You will never be like him. You don’t have it in you.”

“Believe me,” Justin said with a grunt as he sat up on the couch, Brian’s hands falling into Justin’s lap, “I have spent too many arduous hours of practicing my not becoming Craig Taylor to even think for a second that I could ever be like him.”

Justin wrapped his fingers around the back of Brian’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss. 

“But it’s still nice to hear.”


	27. Benefits of Age

“Briiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaan.”

Brian groaned, rolled over, pulled the covers up to his neck, and slammed his pillow over his ear.

“Briiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaan. Wake uuuuuuuuuup.”

The sing-song voice that Justin was using only aggravated his hangover. He wished he could be young again. Justin must have had ten margaritas (though Brian lost count after his sixth shot of Beam) last night at Woody’s.

“Get up, Baby,” Justin teased, knowing that Brian would be appalled at his use of the word, as he wiggled his fingers under the pillow and gave Brian’s hair a playful tug.

“I’m not a baby,” Brian grumbled the words. Justin was now under the covers with him, spooning against his back. Brian could feel that he was in jeans already.

“It’s almost twelve-thirty. We have a brunch date with Mel and Linz and the kids at one-thirty.”

Brian ignored him. “I’m not a baby.”

Justin chuckled. “Oh, Brian, I know you’re not. You’re thirty-”

Brian pulled the pillow off of his face so that he could be heard loud and clear. “Don’t. Even. Say it.”

Justin laughed, and Brian could picture that adorable, infuriating grin on his perfect face. “Fine. I won’t say it. But you really have to get up.”

“I don’t wanna. Call Mel and Linz and tell them I’m sick.”

“Oh, come on, _mon petit amour_.”

Brian looked over his shoulder at Justin. “What do you mean ‘ _petit_ ’?”

Groaning dramatically, Justin put his face on Brian’s shoulder. “Sorry. _Mon grand amour_. _L’amour de ma vie_.”

“ _C’est meilleur_.”

“I’m so glad to see you still remember your French. Now come on! Get up!”

“What if I told you I’m already up?” Brian asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively as he moved Justin’s hand down his torso.

“Jesus, Brian, you and your one track mind. Now let’s go get cleaned up so I can suck you off in the shower.”

“No!” Brian said with a tone of finality though he knew it wouldn’t be the end as he rolled onto his stomach.

“I swear, Brian, if you don’t get out of bed, I will sing.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“Oh. I’ll do it.”

“I’m not getting up, Justin.”

“ _Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Briiiiaaaaaan! Happy birthday to you_.”

“Fuck off!” Brian knew that he was fighting a losing battle, but he wouldn’t give up so easily.

“Next verse. _How old are you now? How old are you now?_ ”

“You son of a bitch...”

“ _How old are you noooooow? How old are you now_?”

“There’s no end to the madness, is there?”

“Now, do you think I should count by fives or tens, because ones would take too long.”

“That was just mean.”

“Five... ten... fifteen... twenty... twenty-five... thirty... thirty-five... thirty-six... thirty-seven... thirty-eight...”

“Oh please don’t.”

“THIRTY-NINE!”

“Oh my God. You actually said it.”

Brian sat up and stared at Justin.

“You said it. I’m-”

“Thirty-nine.”

“Yeah. That. I’m officially a year away from-”

“Forty,” Justin told him as he rubbed his back. “But at least you’re sitting up. We’re making progress.”

“Justin?”

“Yes, Brian?”

“Promise me you’ll still fuck me when I’m forty.”

“Hey, as long as you can still get it up...”

“Bastard.”

“Or would that be necrophilia?”

“Oh cunty, cock-sucking-”

“Give me a break, Brian! You know that I’m kidding. Although, it was gonna be your fortieth birthday present.”

“What was?”

“Fucking you after you’re forty.”

Groaning, Brian fell backward onto the bed, sprawling his arms outward. Justin sighed and lied down next Brian with his arm draped over his lover’s chest. His head was resting on Brian’s shoulder, and Brian could feel the hot breath in continuous puffs across his bare chest. He closed his arms around Justin and kissed the top of his head.

“Brian, you’re really being ridiculous about this whole birthday thing.”

“I know but...”

“But what? So what, you’re not twenty-five anymore? Neither am I.”

Brian scoffed. “You’re not even thirty.”

Justin sighed in exasperation. “I think you’re missing the point.”

“I get it, Justin.”

“Do you?”

Propping himself up, Justin hovered over Brian with one arm gripping Brian’s side. Brian could feel Justin’s warm fingers pressing into his skin, and he put his hand on top of Justin’s. His lover was looking down at him with such adoration that Brian found it almost difficult not to look away.

“You have so much. Your business, your friends, your family. Me. And all I care about is that you’re here, and you’re healthy.” Justin’s hold on Brian tightened, and Brian knew that he couldn’t argue. “And since I don’t want to risk sounding incredibly cheesy, I won’t tell you that I am going to love every grey hair on your head and every wrinkle on your beautiful face. Now stop being a brat and get out of bed.”

Brian knew that he could respond with something ridiculously romantic, such as the fact that being with Justin made him feel young and beautiful every day. But Brian found that he was on quite a role with this whole being a brat thing, and he knew just what to say to make Justin really crazy.

“You think I have wrinkles? And grey hairs!”

Justin couldn’t help but laugh as Brian pulled his lips down onto his own. Justin eased his body on top of Brian’s as he pushed his tongue into Brian’s mouth. The hotness, the wetness of the sensation of Brian’s mouth made Justin forget why it is he would ever want to entice him _out_ of bed. Just as Brian began to tug at the button on Justin’s jeans, he remembered: lunch date. Mel. Linz. Kids. They were really going to be late if he allowed this to go any further. He was just going to have to be the responsible one.

“Okay, okay, okay,” Justin panted, reluctantly pulling away. “After brunch. Shower now. Cold, cold shower.”

Brian sighed and decided that it was time to give in. “All right, all right. Let’s get in the shower... under one condition.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“You still have to suck me off.”

Justin licked his full, pink lips and smiled. “I think that can definitely be arranged.”

~*~

“Do you want me to put this on the fridge?”

Tossing his jacket on the couch, Brian glanced up at Justin, who was standing in the kitchenette. The picture that Gus had drawn Brian for his birthday was hanging limply in Justin’s hand. He had drawn himself with Brian kicking a soccer ball. Gus was drawn complete with cast while Brian was sporting his signature Armani sunglasses. Gus always drew Brian wearing sunglasses. The centerpiece of the picture was a birthday cake with “Happy Birthday Dad!” written around it.

When Brian didn’t answer, Justin raised his brow and shook his head. “Well?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” Brian wasn’t sure why Justin was asking, or why he suddenly sounded like such a teenager. Maybe it was because anything birthday related could be- according to Brian- potentially off limits. But it was something Gus has created, something that his son had spent time doing for him. Brian appreciated Justin’s being sensitive, and watched him wordlessly as he pressed the picture between a magnet and the refrigerator.

Dragging his feet with every step, Brian made his way over to Justin and wrapped his arms around his waist. His lips went right to Justin’s neck as he sucked and licked the sensitive skin. Justin’s hand was still on the refrigerator, and his fingers curled every time Brian’s tongue met flesh. He moaned when Brian’s hand moved down from his waist, toying briefly with the button of his jeans before massaging him over the fabric.

“Brian...” Justin’s voice was barely a whisper.

Brian lifted his head and looked at Justin’s face; his eyes were closed and his lips were parted slightly.

“Justin, open your eyes.”

Justin did as he was told. But the moment his lids parted, his eyes darted away and fixed on a point over Brian’s shoulder. Brian stopped moving his hand but didn’t remove it from Justin.

“What? What is it?”

Justin shook his head but still didn’t make eye contact. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean,” Brian said, grabbing Justin’s face gently. “Why won’t you look me in the eye?”

Sighing his defeat, Justin’s shoulders dropped as he cocked his head to the side. “Because... I have a secret.”

“A secret, huh?”

“And I’m not sure how you’re going to take it.”

Brian knew that he was maintaining a cool exterior, but inside his heart had jumped into his throat. “Oh?”

“Yeah...”

“Well, there’s only one way to find out.”

“I got you a birthday present.”

“Oh... fuck, Justin.” It took seconds for Brian to transition from concerned to annoyed.

“I know, I know, you don’t do birthdays.”

“Just return it, okay?”

“But Brian it’s-”

“I don’t give a fuck!” Now Brian was getting angry. “How long have you known me? Just return it.”

“You’re such a miserable shit sometimes,” Justin said as he stormed away.

Brian followed him. “That’s not fair!”

“No, not fair would have been calling you a miserable _old_ shit.”

Brian stopped in his tracks and watched Justin stomp to the bedroom. Grabbing a magazine off of the nightstand, he sat on the bed and flipped through the pages angrily. For a moment Brian felt guilty, but then he wondered why he should. It was his birthday, after all, wasn’t the day supposed to be all about him?

“Hey! Don’t pick a fight with me on my birthday!” Brian demanded as he walked to the bedroom.

Justin didn’t look up from the magazine. “I am not picking a fight,” Justin said, his voice eerily even.

Brian sat down on the bed next to Justin and put his chin on his lover’s shoulder. “Why are getting like this?”

“I’m not getting like anything,” he said, still turning the pages.

“What? Are you on the rag or something?”

“Ha ha. You’re so funny.”

“I’m not trying to be funny.”

“Good, because you’re not.”

“Why is it so important to you to give me this present?”

Justin sighed. “Because I just wanted to do something nice for you. I really put a lot of thought into this and you won’t even give it a chance. You didn’t even blink when Mel and Linz gave you something.”

“Well, that’s different.”

Justin finally closed the magazine. “How?”

“What was I supposed to do? Refuse it with my son sitting right there? How would that have looked to him?”

“Why is it so important what Gus thinks but you couldn’t care less how this makes me feel?” Justin knew that he sounded childish, but he didn’t care. He knew that it wasn’t a matter of competition between himself and his lover’s son, even if it seemed that way.

But Brian had a smart answer for everything, as usual. “Because I know that I don’t have to impress you,” he said, rubbing his nose into the nook behind Justin’s ear.

Justin smiled despite himself. “You’re such a jerk.”

“I know. I’ll try to be better.”

“I really wanted to give this to you.”

Dropping his head, Brian sighed. “Fine.”

Justin bit his lip to fight back his enormous smile. “Really? Are you sure?”

“Do you really want to test me by asking that?”

Justin smirked and shook his head. “If it makes you feel any better, I got you something that would benefit both of us.”

“Uh... a double headed dildo?”

Snorting, Justin gave Brian’s shoulder a playful shove. “No. Hold on.” Justin leaned toward his nightstand and opened the draw. He dug around for a few seconds before pulling out a plain, white envelope. He smiled as he placed it in Brian’s hand.

“Happy birthday.”

Brian sighed as he opened the envelope and pulled out a piece of paper that had been folded three times. He unfolded it and stared for a long time. Brian felt Justin’s hands on his thigh, his fingers exerting a tense pressure as he waited for a response.

“Well?”

“It’s a confirmation for two tickets to Ibiza.”

“Two first class tickets to Ibiza.” Justin couldn’t suppress his enormous grin. “So...”

“So... a ticket for me and a guest.”

Rolling his eyes, Justin pressed his forehead against Brian’s. “Yeah. Asshole.”

“This is... really nice, Justin.” Brian wasn’t sure why, but he couldn’t remember the last time he had thought about taking a few days off, much less a getaway with Justin. But as he stared at the confirmation in his hand, he realized that at that moment, there was nothing that he could think of that he wanted more. So of course, he tried to rationalize why he couldn’t have it.

“But work...”

“These are six weeks in advance, Brian. Plus, I talked to Cynthia and worked it out. Your schedule for those days is completely free.”

Brian shook his head. “Justin, these are...”

“The perfect gift? Thanks, I know.”

“You’re amazing, you know?”

Justin wrapped his fingers around the back of Brian’s neck. “Yeah. But it’s still nice to hear.”

Brian didn’t waste any time. “Amazing,” he said as he trailed kisses along Justin’s jaw and down his neck. “Fucking amazing. Beautiful. Amazing.” His lips barely left Justin’s skin as he maneuvered himself onto his knees on the floor between Justin’s legs. His hands roamed under Justin’s shirt, lingering on his nipples before continuing all over his warm flesh. 

Justin was moaning against Brian’s mouth, holding the back of his head to deepen their kiss. Justin didn’t object when Brian slowly pulled Justin’s shirt off over his head and tossed it to the side. He couldn’t stop smiling as Brian’s lips traveled from his mouth to his neck to his chest until he was licking and sucking the skin above his waistband. Brian’s hands had picked up from where they left off a few minutes before, rubbing Justin over his jeans until finally he reached for the button, popping it open with one swift flick of his wrist. He eased Justin back with one hand so that he was lying on the bed as he used the other hand to take Justin into his mouth.

“What... I should... to you... your birthday. Oh. God. Brian.”

Brian stopped for a moment and looked up at Justin, who lifted his head and looked down at him. His cheeks were flushed and his lips were full and parted slightly. When their eyes met and focused, Brian smiled.

“I don’t do thank you cards.”

~*~

“You will find prosperity where you least expect it. In bed.”

“What?”

Justin waved his fortune in Brian’s face. “It says that I will find prosperity where I least expect it. Apparently that’s in bed. Though, I wouldn’t say that’s least expected.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” Brian said, leaning into Justin’s lips despite the cookie in his lover’s mouth.

“Hmm, what does yours say?”

Brian popped the plastic wrapper of the fortune cookie, grabbed the treat, and cracked open the cookie. Clearing his throat, Brian removed the small piece of paper that would tell his future.

“You will get old, fat, and wrinkly.”

“Oh give me a fucking break, whiner.”

Brian chuckled and looked again at his fortune. “Don’t be afraid to accept change.”

Justin raised his brow. “Now there’s some good advice. However, I think you can do better than that.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Oh yeah.”

Grinning mischievously, Brian crushed his fortune and tossed it aside. He grabbed the collar of Justin’s shirt and pulled him close. His hot breath warmed Justin’s ear as he whispered, “You will go to bed and wake up tomorrow to find that your balls have sunk to your knees.”

This time, Justin didn’t seem the slightest bit amused. He stood up from the coffee table where they had been eating and hovered over Brian with his arms crossed. His face was nothing but serious, and Brian thought maybe he had gone too far, crossed the line between funny and just plain obnoxious.

“Get up.” Justin’s voice was cool and direct.

“What? You wanna rumble or something?”

“Just get up.”

Brian stood and was once again above his lover, height-wise, anyway.

“I have really, really had enough of this getting older whining, bitching bullshit. Now put on your fucking hottest outfit. We’re going out.”

“Going out?”

“Babylon. And I want to be there in the next hour, so get your ass in gear.”

Brian got that Justin was serious when he slapped him on the ass, hard, and didn’t wait around to get fondled in return.

~*~

Brian watched Justin pull a hair out of his mouth as they entered the loud, hot club. He smiled to himself as he thought that it was probably best that Justin could suppress his gag reflex. It took the blonde a few moments to get hold of the hair, his tongue hanging out of his mouth as he pried the thread-thin strand out from the back of his throat. When he saw Brian smirking at him, he scrunched up his nose and put the spit-covered lock against his lover’s face.

“Oh, really mature,” Brian said as he laughed and ducked Justin’s attack.

Justin’s predatory expression softened as he chuckled despite himself. “It’s windy out there,” he said, shrugging off his coat and handing it to the coat check twink. He raked his hand through his wind-swept hair in an attempt to tame it.

“Yeah, it is,” Brian agreed.

“I think I might have eaten a bald spot into the back of head with all the fucking hair that just flew into my mouth.”

Placing his hand on the small of Justin’s back, Brian guided him into the club and spoke directly into his ear over the blaring, thumping music. “I’ll tell you what. For _your_ birthday, I’ll get you a set of barrettes.”

Justin laughed out loud and wrapped his arm tightly, possessively, around Brian’s waist. “How thoughtful.”

The moment that Brian and Justin stepped onto the dance floor, Brian sensed the eyes that were on him. But more importantly, he could feel the eyes that were lingering on Justin. He marveled for a moment at the fact that Justin easily could have been another Brian Kinney, but he chose not to be. He was beautiful, powerful, sexy, and desired, and he could have anyone he wanted any night of the week. But still, day after day, year after year, he chose Brian, because that wasn’t the life that was meant for him. He was so much better than the millions of potential meaningless fucks that Brian wasted so much of his own life on. 

Maybe that’s why getting older was so hard.

Stopping abruptly, Brian grabbed Justin and pulled him flush against his body. Before he melded their lips together, he just stared at the man that he was beyond lucky to have.

When they finally made their way to the crowded bar, Brian standing close behind his boyfriend, Justin firmly planted Brian’s hands on his hips.

“Come on, birthday boy, I’m buying you a drink.”

His blue eyes connected with the bartender’s as he shouted over the music, “two double Beams!”

“What do you want to toast to?” Justin asked as they held their glasses together.

Brian considered this for a moment when it came to him. “To growing up.”

Justin smiled and parroted his lover. “To growing up.”

The couple downed the shots easily and slammed the glasses down on the bar in unison. Justin had a peaceful smile on his face as Brian slipped his hand into Justin’s and led him effortlessly onto the dance floor. Despite the thrusting slither of slick bodies all around them, the sea seemed to part with ease as they made their way to the middle of the mass of men.

Brian snaked one arm around Justin’s waist and draped his other over Justin’s shoulder. Justin looked so calm amongst all of the commotion, and before Brian knew it, he couldn’t hear the music anymore. It was amazing; it simply disappeared from his awareness and all he could sense was Justin’s steady breathing as they swayed back and forth. Brian had the sudden desire to hide him away, to take him to a place where no one else could share him, could even look at him. But he realized how ridiculous that was, since Justin was already his, and everything he could ever want was in his arms.

He wondered how this birthday could get any better.

Justin’s right hand slid under Brian’s shirt onto his stomach as his left hand moved onto Brian’s cheek. He gently pulled their faces together until their lips were just barely touching. It was a magnificent torture to have Justin’s lips so close to his but not to really have them. Brian felt himself getting hard under his jeans, and he couldn’t resist crashing his mouth down upon Justin’s. Very suddenly, the two were doing a very different kind of dance.

Justin separated their lips so that he could trail kisses along Brian’s jaw until he made his way to his ear. “Backroom. Now.”

It was Justin’s turn to lead as he grabbed Brian’s wrist and starting making their way toward the backroom. Brian’s hand eventually slid into Justin’s and out of the desperate hold that Justin was attempting to maintain. It had been months since they had fucked at Babylon, or even anywhere so public, and the thought of it excited Brian in a way that was almost surprising. 

Almost.

Brian knew that his diminished desire for such intensely public displays of affection was just part of his getting older. His wanting to keep those intimacies between the two of them, he thought Justin appreciated it. And it some ways, it made it better, because it made the sex something that no one else could have. But every now and then, it was just fun to pretend to be reckless teenagers again. He was getting older, but he wasn’t dead. Not yet. And Brian didn’t plan to be for a very long time, so he was going to enjoy life and Justin in any way and every way he wanted to for as long as he possibly could.

Brian could feel the heat coming off of Justin as he picked up the pace slightly so that he was walking right behind his lover. The backroom was now in plain sight, and Justin could feel the slight smirk creeping onto Brian’s face, and it only made him harder. He was ready to bend over right there in front of the bar, but they were big kids now, and patience had become part of the game.

It was almost upsetting to Brian that he had forgotten what it looked like for Justin’s blonde locks to be reflecting the blue light of the backroom. It was as if he were seeing for the first time the way the blue on his skin made it appear as though the color of his eyes had somehow seeped beyond the lines of his lashes and tinted the rest of him from head to toe.

Pushing Justin’s back roughly, but not too roughly, against the brick, Brian didn’t waste any time before kissing him fiercely. He knew that Justin was itching to turn around, but Brian wouldn’t let him. Not yet, anyway. Even in the heat of the moment, a little foreplay was important. Besides, Brian realized after years of meaningless, kissless fucks, that making out was highly underrated.

After a few minutes, Brian took his time in turning Justin around. Justin’s hands were pressed against the wall, his fingers spread wide and bent slightly in anticipation. After Brian undid the button of his jeans and slid on a condom, he reached around to undo Justin.

When Brian pushed inside, Justin let out a gasp of relief, and Brian twined his fingers through Justin’s. As he thrust forward, Brian felt Justin moving back against his body as they fell into the familiar, consuming motion. Brian couldn’t believe how after all these years, every time they fucked it was new, something he had never known before. Every time he thought he couldn’t possibly know Justin’s body any better, he found another nook, another place where he could leave of piece of himself in Justin.

Just as Brian starting becoming completely lost in the sensation, he felt an unusual vibration, even for this kind of activity. It took a moment for him to realize that it was his phone vibrating in his back pocket. He groaned his annoyance as he dug it out of his pants so that he could turn it off. When he finally retrieved the offensive object, he saw that it was Melanie calling. A sudden panic came over him as he realized what this could very well mean.

“Justin,” he tried to get his lover’s attention, but the blonde was too far gone. Even though Brian had stopped moving, Justin continued to push back onto Brian’s cock and moan with ecstasy. When Brian attempted to pull out to bring Justin back to the world, the blonde simply thrusted back with extra force and cried out as he came.

Brian, incredulous still at Justin’s persistence and utter loss at the patience game, didn’t know what else to do but answer the call.

“Yeah, Mel?” he shouted over the music, and a panting Justin’s head whipped around. Brian had momentary flashback to their first time.

“Brian. It’s happening. I tried calling Justin but he didn’t pick up. We’re on our way to hospital.”

Brian was surprised at how easy it was for him to switch back into semi-responsible grown up mode. “The kids?”

“Deb and Carl are with them at the house.”

“Right, right. We’ll be at the hospital in half an hour.”

“Great. See you soon.”

“Bye.”

Justin’s eyes were wide with a strange combination of post-coital bliss and soon-to-be-father terror. Looking down at his phone, Brian saw that it was 12:06. His birthday was over.


	28. Reaction

Driving to the hospital, Brian was unnerved by Justin’s eerie calm. Even he had shown more emotion when he found out that his child was being- or in his case had been- born. Granted that emotion was at first a combination of frustration and annoyance, at least it was something. But Justin was a blank canvass. When Brian would try to make small talk to warrant some sort of response, Justin would answer with monotonous, one word sentences. That was if Brian were lucky. Mostly, Justin simply grunted disinterestedly.

“It’s funny. One day earlier and that kid and I could have shared a birthday.”

Nothing. Justin stared out the window, his forehead pressed against the glass.

Brian tried again. “Just think, your kid’s birthday and my birthday on the same day. Plus, Gus’s birthday and our unofficial anniversary are the same day.”

Justin’s head whipped away from the window, his eyes wide but focused on Brian’s face for what felt like a very long moment. Brian was glad when Justin turned away and dropped his head, catching it in his hands.

“Fuck,” he moaned, his voice almost inaudible.  
“What? What’s wrong?”

Justin shook his head but didn’t lift it from his hands. “I just... I can’t believe what I was doing when we- when you got the call.”

“What do you mean? What were you doing exactly?”

Justin scoffed in such a way that Brian knew he had asked what Justin considered an imbecilic question. The blonde turned his head toward his partner but kept it low, as if it were just too heavy to raise.

“Fucking! Just... fucking. Christ!” His face was buried again, and he was shaking his head.

“So? What’s wrong with that?”

Laughing sardonically, Justin finally sat up. “Huh. What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with that?” Apparently, another stupid question.

“I don’t think I get the joke.”

Justin sighed. “I wanted to be the one to get the call. I wanted to be the first to know.”

“Well, I think Lindsay was actually the first to know.”

“You know what I mean,” Justin said, narrowing his eyes.

“I know what you mean. I was trying to make a joke.”

“It’s not funny.”

“Apparently,” Brian said. “I just don’t get what the big deal is.”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“What’s there to understand? Who cares if I was the one to answer the-”

“Because when my child was born, I didn’t want to be you!”

Justin’s head sank back down, further this time, almost to his lap. Brian’s stomach was sinking too. It was a moment before Justin sat up and leaned back in his seat. He was oddly rigid and stared straight ahead. Sucking his lips into his mouth, he shook his head slightly from side to side; Brian wasn’t sure at whom.

“I could have done with a little warning on that one, Sunshine,” he said to break the silence.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

“Like hell you didn’t,” Brian mumbled through gritted teeth. He recognized what he was feeling as anger, but he wasn’t sure who exactly he was angry at. He couldn’t tell if it was Justin for saying what he said, or at himself for agreeing with his lover.

“I don’t want-” Brian huffed his frustration at his inability to finish that sentence, partly because he wasn’t sure where it was going in the first place, and partly because he felt like his infuriated state was choking him.

“Fuck.”

“Brian, I really didn’t... that was such a stupid thing to say.”

“Right. Thanks.”

Justin crossed his arms and gave up for the time being. They were about five minutes from the hospital when he turned his body toward Brian and tried again.

“When you got the call that Gus had been born, you were naked and sitting on top of me, giving me a hand job. You missed the birth of your son because you were getting ready to fuck me. I mean, that’s something you can never take back, never replace.”

“So what’s your point.”

“My point is... I don’t know. That I was too worried about getting fucked to leave my phone on. That I didn’t even think to leave my phone on knowing that Lindsay could go into labor. I don’t know.”

“You do know. You know that the night Gus was born I didn’t have my phone on. That I put getting laid before Lindsay, before my child.”

Justin looked away, unable to admit that that was exactly what he meant, embarrassed that Brian got it.

“I’m sorry.”

Brian exhaled loudly through his nose and gripped the wheel with both hands. “Don’t be sorry about that. You’re right. Be happy that I’m admitting you’re right.”

“Then what are you still angry about?”

Having had enough of Justin’s obtuse comments and questioning, Brian screeched to a halt. Justin, unprepared for the sudden stop, jerked forward, his hands flying out in front of himself to prevent a collision with the dashboard. He remained speechless as Brian pulled the car over to the curb. Once the car was in park and the key was out of the ignition, Justin voiced his alarm.

“What the fuck was that?”

“I’m angry that you think it’s that same! You think after almost ten years, that it’s still all about sex.”

“What?”

“You’re right that the night I met you, I just wanted to get off. You know that. But that’s not us- not me anymore. How can you even compare the two?”

Justin didn’t answer, so Brian continued.

“You always do this! It’s like you never give me any credit. You make me feel like everything I’ve done to make this work is worthless. Like it’s nothing.” _Like I’m nothing._

“Brian, you know I don’t mean it like that, that I don’t mean to make you feel that way.”

“Well, then I guess it’s not the intent that counts.”

Justin sighed, his head falling helplessly against the seat. “It’s not... it’s not even about you. Not really.”

“What do you mean?”

“I guess... you know how I told you that I’ve practiced how not to be my father?” Brian nodded. “Well, part of that was this plan I had in my head of the kind of father I was going to be. Right from the start. Things were supposed to go a certain way, happen the way that I imagined, and I guess it just freaked me out to have them not be exactly how I had planned.”

Brian, still gripping the wheel, pressed his forehead against his hands and laughed. “You are such a fucking control freak.”

For a moment Justin wanted to take offense to the remark, but all that emerged from his mouth was laughter. “That’s hilarious considering the source.”

The two men rolled in their laughter for a long time. Both were blinking away the tears in their eyes as Justin grabbed his sides in an effort to keep them from splitting. He shook his head at Brian, who smirked and huffed out the last few laughs. Taking a deep breath, Justin sighed away his final chuckle.

“I really am sorry, you know.”

Wrapping his long fingers around the back of Justin’s neck, Brian pulled his face close. “I know.”

Their lips were so close, Justin found it hard to believe that they hadn’t met, that they had both resisted. While he still had time, Justin breathed out the words, “Fuck, there was a time when I really loved my father.”

Brian’s lips finally found their way to Justin, starting at his mouth and roaming around his face from his ears to his jaw and finally resting on his forehead. He wanted to say something that would make it less difficult for Justin to accept that his father really was a worthless piece of shit. Even after all these years, after all of the hatred he had endured and fought, there was still that little bit of idol worship in him that every boy has for his father. The tiny scrap of adoration that even Brian had felt once upon a time. But if anyone knew that there was no amount of words or sex or violence that would make that go away, it was Brian. So he said nothing.

~*~

When Brian stepped into the hallway of the maternity ward, the same hallway where Gus had been born, he realized that ten years wasn’t a very long time. In fact, ten years was barely any time at all. He could still feel Gus the first time that his baby boy way placed in his arms. On his forearm he felt Mel’s hand, supporting Gus’s head protectively until she was sure that the infant was safe. It took a moment for Brian to realize that the pressure he was feeling on his arm was coming from Justin gripping him nervously, not Mel.

“I can’t believe it,” he said to no one in particular even though Brian was this only one listening. “It’s like... god, I can’t even think of a single thing to compare it to.”

Brian put his arm around Justin’s shoulder and led him to Lindsay’s room. “That’s because there’s nothing that compares.”

Glancing at Justin’s face, Brian saw his enormous smile and felt a chill run through him. He looked like an excited teenager again, his grin resembling the one that would forever be burned into Brian’s memory. The one that Brian had seen on Justin’s prom night, moments before the attack, less than an hour before they were at this very hospital. Brian found it amazing how such awful moments from his life could haunt him during the ones that were supposed to be the most beautiful. He forced the thought from his head by attacking Justin’s lips with his own a little too forcefully. Justin recoiled, surprised by the sudden kiss, but he was laughing.

“Shit. What the hell was that?”

Brian shook his head. “I just... love you. That’s all.”

Justin wrapped his arm around Brian’s waist and squeezed, his head falling against Brian’s shoulder as they walked into the room.

Lindsay, who was clearly mid-contraction, either didn’t notice their presence or was in too much pain to acknowledge it. She was focusing on a stuffed red panda that Melanie was holding out in front of her. Her focal point, Brian recalled, as he listened to Lindsay doing the breathing that they had practiced in Lamaze. Brian also recognized the toy that Melanie was gripping; he had bought it for Gus when he and Justin took him to the Pittsburgh zoo a year ago.

“There you two are,” Mel said, never taking her eyes off of her wife. Her tone wasn’t hostile or accusatory; it was merely her way of saying “hello” at twelve-forty-five in the morning. Justin immediate walked over to her and kissed her on the cheek, eliciting a distracted smile. He said nothing until the contraction had passed.

“Hey guys,” he said once Lindsay was relaxing against the pillows. Melanie hugged him, her hands rubbing his back furiously, excitedly.

“Hey! I’m so glad you’re here.” She glanced over at Brian, who was still standing by the door. “You too, Brian.”

He smiled and walked the rest of the way into the room. He brushed a quick kiss against her cheek. They had come a long way for such a small gesture. “Thanks. Me too.”

Leaning in to kiss Lindsay on the forehead, Justin took her hand tenderly. “How are you?” he asked.

“I’m fine. Doing just fine.” Neither man could believe how calm she was, especially since neither one of them felt nearly as composed. But they were hiding it well.

Brian made his way around to the other side of the bed and sat down in the chair that was next to it. He took Lindsay’s free hand and held it to his lips long after he had finished kissing it. He said nothing and needed to say nothing. When Brian’s eyes met Lindsay’s, they communicated everything either one of them needed to know.

“So what’s going on?” Justin asked. “How far along is... everything?”

“Well, I’m seven centimeters dilated, but I was only four when I came in two hours ago. And my contractions have gone from fourteen to nine minutes apart. So basically, I’m progressing nicely, I suppose, but we still have a bit of a ways to go.”

Nodding a bit overenthusiastically, Justin let go of Lindsay’s hand so that he could rake his fingers anxiously through his air.

“I can’t believe this is happening. This is... unbelievable!”

Melanie chuckled softly and Lindsay smiled. “You are so precious,” she said in a tired voice, and Brian felt her squeeze his hand. A moment later the midwife stepped into the room with a folder in her hand. Brian recognized her from the second and last time that he accompanied their motley crew to the midwife’s office. She looked like she was in her mid-forties but had the energy and- Brian hated to even think it- spunk of a girl in her mid-teens. The only thing really giving her away were the wisps of grey sprinkled in her dirty blonde hair. She was full-figured, but Brian thought she would look weird without the few extra pounds. She wore thin, rectangular glasses and never, ever stopped smiling. This got to be a bit irritating after a while, but the thing that was really bothering Brian was that he couldn’t quite remember her name. Laura? Lisa? Leah?

“Wait, don’t tell me. Brian... and... Justin,” she said, pointing at the men in the order in which she had said their names. When they both nodded, she continued, keeping her pointed finger at Justin. “The father, yes? And Brian is the father’s partner.”

Lindsay smiled. “You got it, Lee.”

Balling her fists and jabbing her elbows back like an excited middle schooler, she hissed the word, “yessssssss.”

Justin found her quirkiness charming, but Brian could only be irritated.

“That’s quite a feat,” Justin said, “keeping track of all of us.”

Chuckling, she practically pranced to Lindsay’s bedside. “Sweetie, a feat is keeping track of my son’s boyfriends.”

Justin’s eyes met Brian’s and they shared an amused smile. Brian loved that Justin was always doing things at the most inappropriate time that made him was to touch him, or himself.

“How old’s your son?” Justin asked, his eyes still locked on Brian’s face.

“Seventeen, god love him,” she told them as she washed her hands and pulled on a pair of latex gloves.

“And with the libido of a- well- seventeen year old boy.”

Brian laughed despite himself. “Yeah, well, he can’t help it. He _is_ only seventeen, after all.” Justin bit down on his lips to keep from laughing; Melanie rolled her eyes and groaned.

“It seems like only yesterday,” Lindsay said offhandedly.

Lee apparently thought that Lindsay was talking to her. “I’m sorry?”

“Oh... it’s just... Brian and Justin met the night our first child was born.”

“Oh well, isn’t that special,” she responded with a cheesy grin and what Brian thought was a horrible impression of the Church Lady. It was then that he truly felt his new age for the first time, wondering if Justin even knew who the Church Lady was. He got up from his seat next to Lindsay’s bed and realized that he was still holding her hand. She seemed a bit reluctant at first to let him go, but it only took a moment for her grip to loosen and her hands to come together in what was left of her lap.

Brian walked around the bed to stand next to Justin, who snaked his arm around Brian’s waist. Kissing his neck softly, Justin smiled and rubbed his nose against the stubble on Brian’s jaw. Brian smirked and looked down at Justin, who looked unbelievably happy.

“Do you know who the Church Lady was?”

Justin shook his head slightly and choked a laugh. “Like, Dana Carvey on Saturday Night Live? That Church Lady?”

Brian nodded until Justin was nodding along with him, only because he was confused. “Yeah, I know the Church Lady. Not personally, but I know of her.”

“Smart ass.”

“Usually.”

“Okay, kids, I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’m about to examine Lindsay so...”

“Oh, uh, we’ll just step out,” Justin said quickly, grabbing Brian’s arm.

“Wait, it’s okay,” Lindsay said, shaking her head. “You can stay if you want to.”

Justin’s cheeks flushed a bright pink. “Uh, Lindz...”

“Well, I know we never really talked about it, but I figured you’d want to be here during the delivery. I mean, I’d really like it if you both stayed during the delivery.”

“Oh,” Justin said quietly, his grip on Brian’s arm loosened but he didn’t let go. He seemed at a loss for words.

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to,” Lindsay said, taking Justin’s surprise as a sort of disgust mixed with embarrassment.

“No, Lindz-”

“It’s just that we wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for you so I just figured-”

“Lindsay, I want to stay! I do, really. I just... like you said, we never talked about it so I’m a little surprised, that’s all. I mean, it’s a private thing with private... female... parts. And blood. I didn’t know if you were comfortable, I guess.”

“Very comfortable,” she assured him. “But if you can’t even handle a little examination then maybe you _shouldn’t_ stay for the birth.”

Laughing, Justin allowed his hand to fall from Brian’s upper arm as he said, “I think I can handle it, thanks.”

While Melanie, Lindsay, Justin, and Lee chuckled at what seemed like a new inside joke that Brian couldn’t find funny, he felt completely detached from all of them. He was lost in his thought about Gus’s birth, what it would have been like to have watched it, to have been a part of that were he not otherwise engaged. All of a sudden he just felt like the only person in that room who wasn’t there for the birth of his child. It was suffocating, and he had to get out.

“I’m going to run to the cafeteria and get some coffee,” he announced abruptly.

“Oh, uh, okay,” Justin said. “I’ll come with after-”

Shaking his head, Brian flinched away from Justin when he tried to take his hand. “No, it’s okay. You should stay.”

Justin’s mouth hung slightly agape, a reaction to Brian’s coldness. “What?”

Brian sucked on his cheek and shrugged his shoulders. “Nothing. Anybody want anything?”

Melanie and Lindsay both shook their heads absently while Justin simply stared. A moment ago, Brian had been so affectionate and physical, now he would barely look at Justin. He always found it amazing how Brian could go from warm to subzero in about four seconds flat. It was frustrating and always managed to take Justin by surprise.

“All right then, I’ll be back in a few.”

Brian turned on his heel and practically sprinted out of the room. He walked quickly to the elevator, which was around the corner. He didn’t really want a cup of coffee and would have been much happier with a cigarette. Or even better, a joint. Unfortunately, the “no smoking in hospitals” rule was still strictly enforced, so he settled for one of his more minor addictions: caffeine.

Just as the elevator doors opened, he heard footsteps coming around the corner. Brian glanced over his shoulder to see Justin jogging his way, his blonde hair bouncing on his head like a shampoo commercial. Even though he had caught Justin’s intensely blue eyes, Brian hoped against hope that Justin didn’t know that he had seen him. Leaning against the back wall of the elevator, Brian rested his hands on the thin metal rail. When the elevator doors began to close, he thought that he was in the clear.

No such luck.

Justin managed to grab the doors just before they sealed. Sly little fucker.

“Hey,” he said, slightly out of breath. “Didn’t you see me?”

“Guess not.”

Justin huffed as he stepped onto the elevator. “What the fuck is your problem?”

Brian smirked insincerely and shrugged but said nothing. The doors were closing behind Justin, and Brian realized that he was trapped. There wasn’t even anyone else on the elevator to keep Justin quiet for the time being. But to Brian’s surprise, Justin didn’t say anything. He walked up to Brian and put his hands on his moody partner’s hips, hooking his fingers on the waistband of his jeans. Pressing his body flush against Brian’s, impossibly close, Justin kissed him. Forcing his tongue past Brian’s lips, Justin took control. While this would usually make Brian go crazy, it was the zero-point-one percent of the time when he just didn’t want to be all over Justin. He grabbed his lover’s shoulders and forced him back.

Justin, unprepared for the rejection, gripped Brian’s hips harder. He wouldn’t be deterred so easily. “What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing!”

“Bull shit. Why are you being such an asshole?”

“Uh... it’s what I do best?”

“Don’t answer me like you’re asking a question. This isn’t Jeopardy.”

Brian chuckled. Wrong move.

“You can’t do this, Brian!” Justin practically shouted. “I won’t let you ruin this for me. I’m not seventeen. I’m not dealing with this hot and cold crap.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Like hell you don’t. One minute you’re hands are all over me and the next you’re practically running away from me.”

“I am not running away from you. I’m not entitled to be alone?”

“Don’t ask stupid questions.”

“I thought there were no stupid questions.”

Justin finally moved his hands so that he could cross his arms. “Only stupid people who ask questions.”

“Cute.”

“I mean it.”

“Mean what?”

“Of course you’re entitled to be alone. But you can’t just shrug me off like that and try to shut me out of elevators. You’re fine one minute and then clearly upset about something the next and I’m just concerned.”

“I’m not upset about anything,” Brian lied, rolling his eyes.

“You know, after ten years, I figured out why you don’t believe in lying. It’s not because honesty is so important to you, it’s because you are the world’s shittiest liar.”

“Well, you got me there. You win!”

Sighing dejectedly, Justin dropped his hands to his sides. He shook his head, and when his eyes finally met Brian’s, they were full of sad defeat. For the first time since Justin had stalked him into the elevator, which was moving at painful snail’s pace, Brian felt bad for the way he was behaving, and even worse for the way he was making Justin feel.

“I give up,” Justin said. “I just... give up.”

Brian pressed his lips together and took a long breath through his nose. When he exhaled, he reached out, pulling Justin into a tight hug. Justin was reluctant at first, but soon molded against Brian’s body.

“Please don’t do this right now,” Justin pleaded. “Don’t shut me out.”

“I don’t mean to,” Brian admitted as he felt Justin kissing his neck.

“Then what is it?”

“I just don’t want to ruin your night. I don’t want to unload stuff- stupid stuff on you.”

“I don’t care, I don’t care,” Justin told him quietly. “I just want you to talk to me. Okay? Just talk to me, please. I don’t care.”

Brian’s fingers had made their way to Justin’s hair and were become tangled in the thick golden locks. Justin was tracing circles with his fingertips on Brian’s back. Brian found himself overwhelmed by a calm that he could only ever seem to achieve when he was with Justin.

“I was thinking about the night Gus was born.”

“What about it?”

“Well...” Before Brian had the chance to reluctantly pour his heart out, there was a loud _ding_ as the elevator doors opened at last. Brian attempted to dodge Justin and escape into the lobby, but the younger man was too quick. He intercepted his lover with his right arm while reaching back with his left to press the “door close” button. Brian huffed his frustration and crossed his arms.

“Still can’t get away from you, can I?”

Smiling wickedly, Justin put his hands on Brian’s hips. “There’s no escape.”

“No, I guess there never was.”

“So you were saying about the night that Gus was born...”

“Oh that.”

“Yeah, that.”

“I was thinking about what you said before, about how you didn’t want to be me and-”

“Brian, I already told you I’m sorry!”

“Just let me finish, okay? You trap me in an elevator, you let me finish.”

“All right.”

“Okay. So, I was thinking about how you said you didn’t want to be me when your kid was born, and I know what you mean. I missed my child’s birth because I wanted to get laid. I mean, what kind of person does that? If I had left my phone on that night, I would have seen Gus being born, but instead I was fucking you.”

“Oh.” Justin’s voice was small as he suddenly found something very interesting about his shoes.

“But the thing is, if I had left my phone on that night, I would have been there for Gus’s birth, and I never would have met you. So I don’t regret it. I don’t regret getting laid instead watching my son being born. So that’s why I fee like a selfish piece of shit, because what kind of father does that make me?”

Justin was trying hard to suppress that smile that was fighting its way onto his lips. He was almost fluent in Kinney-ese, and knew that what Brian just said was essentially that he couldn’t imagine not having met Justin that night. For Justin, this confession made everything else fall into place.

“It doesn’t make you a bad father, I know that.”

“How?”

“Because it’s what happened after that matters. You walked into Lindsay’s hospital room, and you loved your son. Period. And if it makes you feel any better, I don’t regret the things that happened that night, either.”

Sighing, Brian shrugged his shoulders. “I had a feeling that you didn’t.”

“Yeah?” Justin asked with a smile, moving closer to Brian so that they were once again pressed together against the back wall of the elevator. “How could you tell?”

This time Brian took the lead and kissed Justin. His hands grasped the sides of Justin’s face tenderly even though the kiss was rough. Justin’s fingers traveled up Brian’s back underneath his shirt. Out of habit, Brian’s hand went for the button of Justin’s jeans but stopped as the elevator jerked to a halt and the door opened. Brian and Justin’s heads shot up quickly as they arched their necks to see who was waiting on the other side of the doors.

A blushing, young nurse, who was gripping a clipboard, stood embarrassed at the threshold of the elevator. Her fingers nervously toyed with the board as Brian and Justin, completely still, waited for a reaction. After a moment, her full lips curled up into a knowing smile. She relaxed from her rigid stance into a casual slouch.

“I’ll wait for the next one.”

Neither Brian nor Justin moved until the elevator doors has closed shut, and once they did, both men burst into a fit of laughter.  



	29. First Contact

At just after five in the morning, Justin rested his head on Brian's shoulder and insisted that he was only going to close his eyes for a few minutes. Two hours later, he was still fast asleep. Brian checked his watch for the seventeenth time and realized that there was no way he or Justin would be making it to the office. Though he was reluctant to wake Justin, Brian wanted even less to disturb Lindsay with his inane business calls. Gently, Brain shook his shoulder slightly.

"Hey, Princess, sleepy time is over," he whispered next to Justin's ear.

Starting awake, Justin jerked his head up, almost colliding with Brian's nose. "Huh?"

Brian chuckled. "Sorry to scare you."

"What time is it?" Justin asked as he rubbed his eyes.

"Seven fifteen."

"I was out for two hours?"

"Yeah," Brian said as he stood from the stiff hospital chair. Leaning down, he pressed a kiss again Justin's forehead. "I'm going to go call Cynthia."

Justin nodded absently. "Yeah, sure."

As Brian was leaving the room, he was stopped by Justin's voice. "Oh hey, Brian?"

He turned around. "Yeah?"

"Could you call my mom while you're out? She'll ask if she should come down, but just let her know what's going on."

"Sure." Brian found himself unable to turn away from Justin just yet. Rather than leave the room as he had planned, he walked back to where Justin was sitting and leaned in, pressing his lips against his lover's. The kiss was soft and warm and comfortable, and Justin was grinning before it was over. As Brian slowly pulled away, Justin sighed and ran his hand once down the side of Brian's face.

"I love you, too."

As Brian stepped into the hall, he pulled out his cell phone. Cynthia picked up after three rings. "Yes, Brian?"

"Good morning, Cynthia."

He could hear her rolling her eyes in her tone. She had never really been a morning person. "Good morning."

"I'm just calling to let you know that Justin and I won't be coming in today. We're at-"

"Oh my god! Did Lindsay have the baby?"

Brian still found Cynthia's powers of intuition astounding. There were few people who could read his mind and his tone the way that she did. "Not yet, but we're at the hospital. She's well into labor, so I guess it shouldn't be long now."

"That's so exciting!" Cynthia gushed into the phone. "Justin must be beside himself."

"To say the least. So listen, you and Ted are at the helm today."

"Right, right."

"The rep from Venus and Mars cosmetics is coming in for the pitch on their new lotiony shit today at-"

"Twelve forty-five. Right."

"Get Josh to cover that for me. Otherwise, things are pretty tame. I have my phone if there are any emergencies, and I mean _emergencies_."

"Of course. Of course."

"And that's about it."

"Right. I'm heading into the office in about ten, and it'll all be under control."

"I have more faith in you than you know," Brian told her.

"Oh, I know," Cynthia said surely. She was never cocky, just supremely confident. 

"And by the way, Brian..."

"Yeah?"

"Congratulations."

"Thanks."

"Anytime."

Brian was smiling as he pressed the end button on his phone. His finger then moved to the nine, which he held down to speed-dial Jennifer. It took a minute for the line to connect, and for a moment Brian felt awkward being the one to call his pseudo mother-in-law. At the same time, it gave him a surprising amount of satisfaction.

"Hello?" A tired John answered the phone.

"Hi John, it's Brian," he said, not expecting the businessman to still be in bed. "Sorry to wake you."

"That's all right."

"Not working today?"

"Molly's coming home from school today, so Jen and I both took the day off."

In all of the commotion, Brian had completely forgotten about Molly's arrival back from her first year of college. "Are you going to New York to pick her up?"

"No. Lucky for us a friend of hers lives not to far from Pittsburgh, so he's giving her a ride home."

"That's good."

"Yeah." John paused for a moment. "Brian, is everything okay?"

"Oh, yeah! Yeah, uh... Lindsay went into labor last night and Justin wanted me to give Jen a call. Is she there?"

"Yeah, yeah, she's right here. Hold on."

On the other end of the line Brian could hear John waking his wife. A drowsy Jennifer took the phone. "Hello?" Her voice was hoarse and groggy with sleep.

"Hey Jen. Sorry to wake you but Lindsay went into labor so Justin wanted-"

"She _what_?" Jennifer suddenly sounded like she had been up for hours doing shots of espresso. "When?"

"Around midnight last night."

" _Midnight_? Why didn't you call me then?"

"It was the middle of the night. And there was no need," Brian explained, feeling all of a sudden like he needed to defend himself.

"Fine, fine. Should I come to the hospital?"

Brian chuckled to himself, loving how well Justin knew his mother. "No, no. Lindsay doesn't really want people to come until after the baby is born so..."

"Of course, of course. Whatever Lindsay wants," Jennifer said, sounding like she genuinely understood. She always had been good at that, for as long as Brian knew her, anyway.

"Just do me a favor?"

"Yeah. Sure."

"Try to keep me posted, as much as you can, anyway. Oh, and give Justin a big kiss from me. And Lindsay, too. Oh, and Mel."

"I will, Jennifer."

"Do you think it will be soon?"

"The doctor's say within the next few hours. Probably even before noon."

"Oh my god, I'm going to be a grandma, Brian."

He smiled. "I can't wait."

Jennifer let out a laugh that sounded like a sigh. "Yeah, me either."

"I'll see you soon."

"Bye."

"Bye."

~*~

With one last push and without a single drop of anesthesia, Lindsay delivered her second child at ten thirty-one in the morning. Despite the unbelievable act that his longtime best friend was performing, Brian was completely incapable of taking his eyes off of Justin's face during the last few moments of the labor. He had never seen Justin's eyes so wide, the amazement blatant on his face. When the gooey, purple, alien-like creature was plopped clumsily onto Lindsay's now empty stomach, all Brian could think was, _Ten thirty-one, like Halloween_. Then he felt how tightly Justin was gripping his arm with the hand that Lindsay wasn't holding.

Falling back against the pillows of her bed, Lindsay felt relieved that the worst was over. She knew that there was still the afterbirth, but that was nothing compared to the real delivery. It took a moment for the feeling of her newborn child squirming around on top of her to register, and she couldn't remember if this was how she felt the first time.

They say when you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. _Apparently_ , Lindsay thought, _the same happens when you give birth_.

It was dreamlike, as if any moment she would wake up in the bed of her college dorm room, only to realize that none of it, the past twenty years of her life, was real. But then her hand, by its own volition, moved to the head of her baby, and nothing had ever felt more real. For a moment that Lindsay knew she would never have again, with this baby or any other, she and her child were truly the only beings on the planet. This feeling seemed familiar as she remembered having a similar experience the moment that she first touched Gus in his first few seconds outside of the womb.

"It's a girl," the midwife announced.

Melanie leaned down and kissed Lindsay's lips, and then her forehead. "Our baby girl," she whispered. "Lindsay, you are amazing."

Lindsay didn't respond, but she knew she wasn't expected to. As much as Melanie's affirmations meant to her, she was still too focused on the new little person that was still lying across her belly. The baby hadn't cried and still wasn't, unlike Lindsay's other two children, who had been screamers. But she wasn't concerned, she could feel the life in her baby; she would know if something were wrong.

Justin wanted to say something, something profound. Maybe even something fatherly. But he couldn't speak. It was as though his tongue had been temporarily disconnected from his brain, which was going a mile a minute. He knew that he was squeezing down hard on Brian's arm, maybe a little too hard, but Brian didn't seem to mind. After a moment, Justin felt his lover's arms wrapping around him from behind. He felt the breath next to his ear as he hugged Brian's forearms.

"It's a girl," Brian said softly. "Incredible."

"It's a girl," Justin repeated quietly, more to himself than to Brian. A smile crept onto his face. "I have a daughter."

A nurse carefully lifted the baby off of Lindsay's stomach and carried her over to a table on the other side of the room where Justin couldn't quite make out what was going on. He thought that something might be wrong until she asked:

"So who's cutting the cord?"

Justin's eyes immediately locked with Melanie's.

"You do it," Justin said quickly.

"Are you sure?" she asked. "Because I don't-"

"No, no," Justin insisted. He didn't want her to finish her sentence. "It's right that you do it."

She smiled softly and looked to Lindsay for permission to let go of her wife's hand. Lindsay gave her a slight nod and before she crossed to room to cut the cord, Melanie walked over to Justin and hugged him tightly. Brian stepped back, letting them have their moment.

When Melanie finally released the first-time-father, he looked to Lindsay wordlessly. She held out her hand for him and he took it; she kissed his palm, her blue eyes meeting his.

"Thank you for this."

He laughed nervously. "I should be thanking you." Leaning down, he kissed her cheek, and she put her hand on his face.

"Hey, Justin, c'mere," Melanie called softly to him. He looked over at her, and she was cradling the baby, who had finally started crying. Justin didn't feel his body moving across the room as he walked over to Melanie. Wordlessly, she placed the child in his arms.

Immediately, Justin felt the love for his child that he saw on Brian's face the night that Gus was born. He knew what all of those parents were talking about when they said that there was an instant connection, and he wondered how any parent could ever not love his child unconditionally. Including his own father. Justin immediately pushed that thought out of his mind, choosing instead to focus on the precious bundle in his arms.

"Hi, baby," he whispered to her, bouncing her gently in an attempt to calm her cries. After a few moments, she began to settle, but was still restless. Carefully, Justin walked to Lindsay's bedside; he felt Melanie close behind him the whole short way. Without taking his eyes off of his daughter, he passed her to her mother. Lindsay held her with such ease and gentle focus that Justin had the overwhelming sense that if nothing else in this world, Lindsay was meant to be a mother.

Looking over his shoulder, Justin saw Brian approaching him with a knowing grin. He reached out and molded into Brian's arms. He felt like they were hugging for a very long time when Brian said, "Congratulations, Sunshine. She is so yours."

As silly as that sounded, Justin knew exactly what Brian meant. "Yeah, she is."


	30. Chosen

  
Author's notes:

I am really sorry this chapter has taken so long.  First I had a massive case of writer's block, so it took me a really long time to get it just how I wanted it.  Plus, I've been having trouble adding in to the site.  For anyone who is still around, thanks for your patience!

* * *

Brian had always been a strong believer in "the family you choose" over "the family you happen to be stuck with" for obvious reasons. Once, when he was about thirteen years old, his mother caught him smoking cigarettes with a friend behind the garage. After shooing the friend away and dragging a fussing Brian into the house, she told him that he was grounded for two weeks and that he was lucky his father hadn't been the one to find him. Even though Brian knew she was right about that last part, he was too angry about the grounding to care.

"I hate you!"

His mother rolled her eyes as if she already knew that and wasn't impressed. "Yeah, well, you're stuck with me."

"I don't have to be! Maybe I'll run away and you'll never see me again!"

"That's a big talk for such a little boy. Now you listen to me, we are the family that God gave you, and you are just going to have to live with that!"

But even at that young age, Brian knew better. He knew that those people couldn't be it for him. If there were a God, this couldn't be the family that He has intended for Brian. He had learned in Sunday school that God didn't make mistakes, which would make the family that Brian had not a mistake, but merely a starting point. A year later when they moved to Pittsburgh, he found out that he was right. He met Michael and Debbie and not much later Uncle Vic, and he learned what a family really was. Brian learned who his God given family really was.

The first time Brian held Justin's daughter, he felt chosen. And he knew immediately, just as he had with Gus, that because of a force more powerful than nature, he would love this child. He never told this to Justin or Lindsay or anyone, and he never would, because it was something private between him and the baby girl in his arms.

"God, she is gorgeous," Brian said quietly as he bobbed the sleeping baby in his arms.

"I can't believe she's really here," Justin said. His hands were on Brian's waist but his eyes were on his child. "Have you guys settled on a name yet?"

"Actually," Melanie said, "we have."

"Pending your approval, of course," Lindsay added quickly.

"I'm sure it's great, whatever it is."

"All right, well... Do you want to tell him Linz?"

"No, no, go ahead."

"What? What is it?" Justin asked eagerly and now, slightly concerned.

Melanie grinned from ear to ear. "We were thinking of naming her Taylor."

Lindsay waited anxiously for a response from Justin. When she had first suggested this name to Melanie, her wife was concerned that he wouldn't want to tag his child with the name that he had gotten from his asshole of a father. Lindsay hadn't even though of that, mostly because she felt that Justin, through what he had accomplished in his short life, had more than made the name his own.

"Are you guys serious?" Justin asked, an excited blush creeping onto his cheeks.

"Very serious," Melanie said. "Taylor Victoria Marcus-Peterson. It's a bit of a mouthful, but, that's just part of having a big family like ours."

"She doesn't even know yet how lucky she is," Lindsay said softly, her hand curling into Melanie's.

"I think it's fantastic," Justin said. "But since I got the final say on Gus, I feel it's only right we ask Brian what he thinks."

Brian chuckled and felt Taylor shift a bit without waking. "Well, I guess since Brian Jr. is out, Taylor will have to do."

The elation that Justin felt was beyond overwhelming, so he did the one surefire thing that he knew would keep him grounded. Leaning in carefully over his newly named baby, he pressed his lips against Brian's. Carefully, Brian passed the baby back to her father as he pulled his face away. When he heard heels clicking softly into the room, he looked toward the door.

Jennifer had arrived.

Her eyes were instantly on Taylor while she cautiously entered the room. No one said anything as she attempted to walk as quietly as she could despite her pricey footwear. An excited smile was tugging at the corners of her mouth, and she put her hands on her son's elbows as he held his daughter. Despite the brand new, precious baby girl before Jennifer, her first grandchild, she found herself incapable of taking her eyes off of her son. He was all grown up.

"My baby," she whispered, cupping his face in her hands. "You're just my baby."

Leaning in to press a kiss against his mother's cheek, Justin said nothing. Slowly, he passed his daughter from his arms to Jennifer, who handled the infant with an intense delicacy, as if the baby were made of porcelain. Her lips trembled slightly as a few tears escaped from her eyes, but her arms supported the baby with an unwavering steadiness.

"You're finally, finally here," she gasped with earnest incredulity.

"Taylor."

Jennifer looked up at her son with misty eyes. "What?"

"That's her name," Justin told her. "Her name is Taylor."

"It's perfect," Jennifer said, her smile trembling but sincere. "She is so beautiful. I know it's cheesy, but I feel like I'm in a dream."

"I'll let this one go, Mom," Justin said with a smile as he stroked the soft, thin hair on Taylor's head. "So, you think she'll be a blonde?"

Jennifer chuckled. "I'd say there's a good chance."

Justin continued to banter with his mother when Taylor's eyes fluttered open. They were deep and grey, but what Jennifer found most amazing was that they seemed so focused. She hadn't seen a baby this alert since Justin.

"My God, she's already so much like you," she said. When the baby started wailing a moment later, Jennifer added, "Exactly like you."

"Thanks."

Rocking Taylor steadily as she approached Lindsay's bed, Jennifer cooed softly to the fussing baby. "You want to go back to Mommy, huh? Is that what all this fretting is about?"

Lindsay smiled warmly as she accepted Taylor. "Thanks, Jen."

"No, thank you," she said, kissing Lindsay's forehead. "You look great, by the way. Very calm."

"I'm too exhausted to be anything else," Lindsay told her with a shrug.

Jennifer nodded. "I was a mess. Right after, that is. Even though everything went fine with Justin's birth, I was just completely panicked that something had gone wrong. Very un-Wasp-like of me. Went against my whole country club upbringing."

"Something I can relate to," Lindsay noted offhandedly as she began to nurse Taylor. The infant latched on easily, and even though it had been almost a decade since she nursed a baby, Lindsay felt as though it were only yesterday. Everything she had experienced in the past hour with her new child made Lindsay realize how fast the time had gone with Gus.

"I don't mean to be rude, but I'm going to step out and make some phone calls," Jennifer said, her hand on top of her purse. "Molly and John are probably waiting by the phone."

"Do you want to call Grandma and Aunt Susan?" Justin asked.

Jennifer nodded. "Yeah, of course."

Smiling, Justin kissed her cheek. "You're the best," he said with a saccharine sweetness as he batted his lashes. Jennifer grabbed his chin between her thumb and forefinger and shook his face back and forth slowly.

"Some things never change," she said, her tone full of pleased resignation. "I'll be back."

On her way out, Jennifer paused and turned back. "Oh, Brian?"

"Yeah?"

"I almost forgot. I know it was yesterday, but, happy birthday."

He had almost forgotten, too. "Oh. Thanks."

Twenty minutes later, Jennifer still hadn't returned. "You think she got lost?" Justin asked Brian, only slightly seriously.

"Nah," Brian told him, shaking his head. "Probably just blabbing on the phone with baby sister."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Usually."

"Smart ass."

Brian chuckled and pressed his lips against Justin's ear. "I really need a cigarette," he said quietly, finally acknowledging the nicotine itch he'd been ignoring for hours. "Wanna join me?"

Justin shook his head. "No, I'm all right. You go ahead, though."

"Right, be back in minute."

The cigarette was already in Brian's mouth as he stepped through the automatic doors of the hospital. He was toying with his lighter in his right hand, flipping it over and over until he felt the warm May air hitting his face. Relief washed over him as he lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply, and he realized that he had gone at least sixteen hours without one. That had to be a personal best, especially for a man who had been smoking for over twenty-five years. Cutting down was one thing, but Brian figured he had completely given up enough bad habits of his to deserve holding on to smoking.

Having been so focused on his cigarette, it took Brian a moment to notice the other person standing outside. It was Jennifer.

"Jen?"

When her head whipped around in response, Brian saw the tear-streaks on her face. She clumsily tried to wipe them away with the backs of her hands.

"Oh, Brian."

"You all right?" he asked, approaching her cautiously. He held the cigarette away from his body so that the smoke wouldn't rise into her face.

She shrugged. "Just overwhelmed, I guess."

Brian believed her, but it seemed like there was more. Still, he knew better than to press her. "Finished with your calls?"

"Yeah. Molly's just started unpacking, and John's going to bring her over in a little while."

"That's good."

"My mother burst into tears on the phone," Jen continued, though Brian felt it was somewhat unnecessary. He had only met Justin's grandmother four times. Three times when she came to Pittsburgh from Connecticut, and once two years ago when Justin dragged Brian- very much against his will- to a family reunion in upstate New York.

"She was about ready to hop on a plane to see her great-grandchild. But I told her to hold off for now."

"Probably a good idea."

"Yeah. And my sister, she said that being a grandmother was one thing, but being a great aunt just made her feel old." Jen laughed alone. "Family, you know?"

Brian shrugged. He knew too well.

"I almost called Craig," Jennifer blurted out. Brian choked on the smoke from his last drag.

"Don't worry, I didn't bother. He barely knows that Lindsay was pregnant aside from what little Molly tells him. She says he never asks about it, so she tells him even when he doesn't want to hear it. She's so... like Justin. Thank God."

Nodding, Brian flicked the ashes off the end of his cigarette and studied it a little too intently.

"I just thought that maybe he had a right to know and-"

"He doesn't!" Brian said, the sharpness of his words even surprising himself. Jennifer looked startled. "Sorry. I... I just don't think he has any right to have anything to do with Justin, that's all."

"I agree completely," Jennifer assured him. "That's why I didn't call. But as I started to dial his number, I thought... I thought how the last time I saw Justin in a hospital, in this hospital, he was-"

"I know, Jen," he said, cutting her off because he knew how that song ended. He owned the rights to the music.

"I'm sorry," she said, sensing his discomfort. "It's just amazing how some things haunt you forever, you know?" Her voice finally broke as her eyes refilled with tears. Brian felt like he should comfort her or something grown up like that, but he was frozen, the cigarette still burning in his hand.

"I just thought that after all this time..." she trailed off, the tears and the emotion too overwhelming to talk through. She put her hand up to her mouth, stifling a sob. Brian found it amazing how even in the middle of a breakdown, Jennifer seemed incredibly composed. He thought about saying a soft, "It's okay," but that was a lie. Even though after nine years, to the day, Justin was okay, _it_ never would be.

"I remember calling Craig the night that it happened. I told him what was going on, that Justin was badly hurt, that he could die. Do you know long it took him to get to the hospital?"

Brian knew the answer because he had been there. He had sat in the hospital for three days and returned every night after that for six weeks. But he let Jennifer answer her own question.

"Two days. I told him that his son could die and he waited two days to come to the hospital. When he got there, Justin was still in critical condition, and Craig glanced at him once, and said that he brought this on himself."

Brian took a final draw on his cigarette in an attempt to fight down the vomit he felt rising in his throat. As he stubbed out the cigarette with his heel and exhaled the smoke, he said, "I never knew about that."

Jennifer shook her head. "No one does. I never told anyone."

"No one?"

"No. I just... I knew that Craig was an asshole, but I never thought he was capable of saying that about his own son. I knew he was an asshole, but it didn't occur to me until then that he was heartless. And I just felt so ashamed."

Shoving his hands in his pockets, Brian focused on the toes of his shoes. "I'm sorry."

"I also never told Justin about how you used to keep vigil over him."

Brian fixed his eyes on Jennifer and waited for her to look back at him. After a moment she did, and her tears seemed to have subsided.

Though Brian was relieved to hear this, he had to ask, "Why not?"

Shrugging, Jennifer sighed. "I figured if you wanted him to know you would have told him yourself."

"I didn't," Brian told her, shaking his head slightly.

"Do you mind if I ask why?"

Brian had often wondered that himself. "Too many questions, I guess," he said simply.

"Too many painful things that you've tried to leave behind," she said, reading his mind with an uncanny accuracy. Brian nodded.

"Something like that, yeah."

"I sorry to..." Jennifer trailed off and sighed. Running her fingers through her hair, she shook her shoulders as if she were trying to shake off the past. "I feel really crappy for bringing this up on today of all days."

"It's okay. I won't tell anyone, I promise."

"Thanks." Jennifer paused and stared at Brian until he started to feel as if she were looking through him.

"What?"

"I'm also sorry for... for blaming you for what happened. Because it wasn't your fault anymore than it was Justin's."

Brian tried to pretend like he wasn't sure what she was referring to. "It's fine."

"It's not fine! It isn't... shit..." Jennifer stopped, tears falling from her eyes again. "What I said to you, it wasn't okay."

"It was a long time ago, Jen."

"I know. Too long for me to have never let you know that I don't blame you, and that you shouldn't have blamed yourself."

Brian wanted to ask if he were really that transparent, even to Jennifer; but since he already knew the answer, he said nothing. Digging his toe into the cement, he focused across the nearly deserted parking lot in front of the hospital. He tried to see off into the distance, as far as possible, as if it would take him out of the conversation that was right in front of him.

"I just thought it would be so easy to have you be at fault since the law didn't want to hold Chris accountable. I thought if you were out of the picture then everything would go back to the way it was, before the bashing, before he even met you, but it didn't. I was a fool for thinking that, for thinking that you hadn't affected Justin so deeply, and mostly for thinking that you had somehow emerged from the whole ordeal amazingly unscathed. And for _that_ , Brian, I am so sorry."

Overcome by the adult in him, by the man who was somehow able to forgive and move on, Brian turned to Jennifer and hugged her. He tried to think if he had ever done that before, other than a brief greeting or goodbye, but he knew that he hadn't. At that moment it just seemed like the right thing to do, and it felt good to do, too. He wasn't sure if it was his attempt to comfort her, or his overwhelming relief because for the first time in nine years, he believed that it wasn't his fault.

After a moment, Brian released Jennifer, and she wiped the last few tears from her face.

"Done?"

She laughed and nodded. "Yeah. That's the last of them. The sad ones, anyway. I can't promise about the happy ones."

"I guess that's okay."

"Yeah. Thanks."

"Ready to go back?"

She shook her head and smiled. "No, I'm ready to go forward."


	31. Baby Talk

By the time Debbie and Carl arrived with the other two Marcus-Peterson children, things seemed to be settling.  Taylor had been sleeping for nearly forty-five minutes in what Brian thought looked like an infant-sized fish tank, and he had a foggy memory of what Gus looked like in such a container the night that he was born.  When Brian had gone to see Gus in the nursery, it was a few minutes after he had had his “Neverland” conversation with Lindsay, and just a few minutes before the E that he had taken started to really kick in.

Even though Melanie and Lindsay were trying to convince Brian and Justin that it was fine if they went home and got some rest, Brian casually insisted that he would stay at least until Gus arrived.  It was important to him to be there when his son welcomed his new baby sister; but most of all, Brian knew that it would be important to Gus.

Jenny was the first to enter.  She scrambled impatiently into the room, her floral skirt bouncing against her shins.  The moment her eyes fell upon Lindsay, she burst into tears and ran to the side of the bed.

"Mommy!" she wailed, gripping at the hospital bed sheets, trying to pull herself up.

“Careful, Jenny!” Melanie immediately grabbed her daughter.  Though Jenny was fierce in her attempt to break free of her mother’s hold on her, Melanie was gentle in her firmness.

“Baby, you have to be careful,” she told her softly.  “What’s wrong?”

A moment later Gus came into the room with Carl and Debbie just behind him.  He rolled his eyes.

“She’s crying again.”

“Sorry, Honey,” Debbie said, shrugging.  “The second we pointed out which room it was she was like a bullet.”

“Don’t worry about it, Deb,” Lindsay said as she turned her attention to her wailing daughter.  “What’s the matter, Jenny?”

“Mommy, I want to get in the bed with you!”

Melanie looked to Lindsay for the go-ahead, and Lindsay nodded.  “Of course, my love.  Just be very, very gentle, okay?  Mommy just had a baby.”

Jenny nodded emphatically as Lindsay pulled back the covers and Melanie helped her up into the bed.  With the most delicacy that a six-year-old could muster, Jenny curled around her mother.

“I missed you so much and I wanted to see you all day but Nana said I couldn’t come until now but I still missed you!”

Lindsay smiled and held her daughter tenderly.  “Oh, and I missed you, too.  But you’re here now, aren’t you?”

Jenny nodded.

“So no more tears, okay?  We don’t want to wake the baby, right?”

Jenny glanced over at the bassinet as if it hadn’t even occurred to her (and it probably hadn’t) that there was a new baby in her life.  She turned back to Lindsay and shook her head.

“That’s my girl.”

While Jenny settled down and Carl and Debbie went to coo over the new baby, Gus walked over to his father.  Brian smiled at him, and Gus rolled his eyes for the second time.

“What’s your problem?” he asked.

Gus shrugged.  “Nothing.”  Brian feared that his son was already turning into a teenager.

“Nothing, huh?”

“She was just crying all morning, that’s all.  It was annoying.”

“Sorry to hear that, kiddo.”

“It’s okay.”  

“So how’s your arm feeling now that the cast is off?”

Holding out his arm in front of himself, Gus studied it intently before shaking it to his side.  “It’s better.”

Brian chuckled at his stoic of a son.  “That’s good to hear.  So don’t you want to use it to go over to hold your new baby sister?”

Very quickly, Gus’s casualness turned into what appeared to be anxiety.  “I will, in a minute.”

“Why wait?”

“Well... I just want to wait until Nana and Carl are finished.”

Placing a firm hand on his son’s shoulder, Brian tried to find some understanding.  “You nervous about the new baby?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe, I guess.”

“Want to give me a more ambiguous answer?”

Gus looked up at his father and furrowed his brow.  “Ambi-what?”

Brian chuckled again.  “Nothing.  You just don’t seem to know.”

Gus looked over at his mothers, who were fussing over Jenny and then at his pseudo-Grandparents and Justin, who were fussing over Taylor, and then back to his father.

“Uh... can I tell you something?”

“Of course,” Brian said, rubbing his hand over Gus’s hair.  “You can tell me anything.”

“Well, it’s kind of a secret.  And you can’t ever, ever tell anyone.  Not my moms or even Justin.  Do you promise?”

Brian nodded, silently praying that this was a promise that he could keep.  Taking Gus’s hand, he turned to the crowd in the room.

“Hey, I’m gonna take Gus to get a soda.”

Melanie and Lindsay nodded, giving Brian their approval, so Brian led Gus out of the room.  They walked in silence down the hall toward the waiting area where the vending machines were.  As they strolled along, Brian felt a strong sense of togetherness with Gus.  They were the two outsiders.  But at least they weren’t outsiders alone.  Brian tried to shake the thought from his head, not wanting to inflict such a status on his child.

Once they reached the vending machines, it occurred to Brian, “Do you want a soda, Gus?”

Gus nodded.  “Yeah, okay.”

Brian managed to scrounge two singles out of his pocket and he handed them to Gus, who had always loved putting the money into vending machines since he was big enough to reach.  He pressed the button for Sprite, and the bottle tumbled down.  Gus grabbed it up.

“Don’t open it yet, Sonny Boy.  It’ll explode.”

“I know that, Dad.”

“Well, soooorry.”  Suddenly, Brian found himself feeling very old.

Gus took a seat on one of the waiting room couches, and Brian sat down next to him.  Pulling at the wrapper of the Sprite bottle, Gus seemed to be in deep thought.  Brian was becoming more and more anxious about whatever this dire secret was that Gus wanted to confess to him.  After a few minutes of silence, Brian reached his breaking point just as Gus opened the now tamed bottle of soda.

“So, Gus, what was this secret that you wanted to tell me?”

Gus sighed heavily, a sigh much too heavy for a boy of his age.  “I don’t know how to say it without it sounding mean.”

“Then just say it, Gus.  Whatever it is, you can just tell me.  You know that, right?”

Gus nodded.  “Yeah, I do.”

“So... just tell me.”

“I don’t think I want Mom to have the baby, even though she already did and stuff.”

Brian felt and overwhelming sense of relief.  That was it?  “You know, a lot of big brothers and sisters feel that way when there’s a new baby.  But you’ll get used to it, and I think you might even find that you’ll like it.”

Shaking his head, Gus screwed the cap back onto the bottle.  “It’s not because I don’t want another sister, I don’t care about that part.”

“Oh?  Then what is it?”

“It’s just that... when Ma had Jenny, it made... too many problems.  I don’t remember it that good, but I know that it was bad.”

Brian already knew what he meant, but he also knew that Gus needed to say it.  “What do you mean?”

“Well... like... I remember that Mom got a new house for a while, and I was always going to different places.  And I couldn’t live in my room all the time.  And they were always, always, always fighting.  They couldn’t even be together without fighting.  And I don’t want that to happen again.  And I think it happened because of Jenny.”

At that moment, Brian realized that he had never really talked to Gus about Melanie and Lindsay’s temporary split six years ago.  He wondered if anyone ever had.

“Gus, listen very carefully.  When two people who are in a relationship fight, or have problems, or break up, it is not ever the child’s fault.  Especially not a baby’s.”

Gus was looking at Brian like he didn’t believe him.  “Really?”

“Yes, really.”  Brian understood Gus’s confusion and doubt.  It was a fact that had taken Brian a long time to believe.

“Then why did it happen right when Jenny was born?”

“That’s really hard to answer, Gus.  Sometimes, two people- even two people who love each other very, very much, like your moms- they have problems in their relationship.  Sometimes these people even think that they’d be better off if they were separate.  But they’re together now, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And do you know why?”

Gus shrugged.

“Because when they were apart, they realized how much they truly loved each other.  They realized how unimportant things that sometimes seem big really are.  But I can promise you, that the fights that your moms were having had nothing to do with you or your sister.”

Brian couldn’t believe the things that were coming out of his mouth as he tried to comfort his son.  What was even more incredible was that Brian believed the things that he was saying.

“So... you don’t think they’ll ever have another fight like that again?” Gus sounded so hopeful when he asked this that Brian found it difficult to be honest.  But Brian had always been a firm believer in telling the truth.

“I can’t promise that, Gus.  I wish I could, but I can’t.”

“So then what happens to me if it does and they don’t ever get back together?”

This one was only slightly easier to answer.  “All I know is that no matter what happens, you and your sisters will be loved and taken care of.  No matter what dumb things us grown ups do, you will always come first.  That is a promise.”

Gus nodded.  “Okay,” he said with a sigh, concern still thick in his voice.

“Look, Gus, ever though I can’t predict the future and I can’t promise that your moms will never have another fight like that again, I truly believe that they know now for sure how much they want to be together.  Sometimes, that’s all it takes.”

Nodding again, this time with an air of confidence, Gus put his hand on his father’s forearm.  “Okay.  I’m ready to go back now.”

Brian kissed his son’s forehead, relieved that he seemed to be doing something right.  “Glad to hear it.”

~*~

After a few hours at the hospital, Lindsay and Melanie decided that it would be best if Debbie and Carl took their restless children home.  Brian watched Gus walk out the door with Debbie’s arm around his shoulder.  Once he was out of sight, Brian turned his eyes to Lindsay, who smiled at him.

“You guys can really go home if you want to,” she said softly.  “You must be exhausted.”

Brian moved to Lindsay’s side and took her hand.  For no reason at all, he felt compelled not to leave her side.

“It’s really okay.  We can stay for a bit longer.”

“Hey, Justin,” Melanie said, getting up from her chair.  “I’m going to go to the nursery to see Taylor again.  Wanna join me?”

At first Justin wasn’t sure why she wanted to go again since they had gone not twenty minutes ago.  But when his eyes feel upon Brian and Lindsay, it didn’t take him long to catch on.

“Oh.  Yeah, yeah.  Let’s go.”

On her way out, Melanie turned back and asked, “You want anything Linz?”

Lindsay shook her head.  “I’m fine, thanks.”

“And let me guess, Brian,” Melanie said with a smirk, “amyl nitrate?”

“If you happen to see any lying around.”

Melanie chuckled softly as she and Justin left the room.  “Be back in a bit.”

Once the two were out of the room, Brian carefully sat in the bed with Lindsay.  As he put his arm around her, he could feel her tired form molding against his body.  Resting her head back against his shoulder and closing her eyes, Lindsay let out a long sigh.  There was something about being alone with Brian that made her feel like she didn’t have to perform.  Not that she had been putting on a show for anyone, but it was like a subconscious weight was lifted.  He was the only person in her whole life who had never judged her decisions, even if he didn’t like them.

“How’re you doing?” he asked.

“I’m all right.  Kind of tired.”

“Yeah.  Me too.”

“Shit,” he said.

“What?”

When Lindsay opened her eyes and looked at him, he was grinning broadly.  “Here we are again.”

Quietly laughing her disbelief, Lindsay nodded.  “Huh.  Here we are.”

“Pretty fucked up.”

“To say the least.”  After a brief and pensive silence, Lindsay asked, “Still want to return them?”

Brian squeezed Lindsay a bit tighter, but he was careful not to aggravate her recovering body.  “Not for anything in the world?”

“Not anything?” Lindsay asked with mock disbelief.

“Not for all of the Armani in Italy.”

“Now that is just a flat out lie from an excruciatingly honest guy.”

“Excruciating, huh?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Hmm.  I’ve been called worse.”

“Well you can take it,” she told him as he softly pinched the skin on his arm.  “You’ve got a pretty tough shell.”

“Only to hide my otherwise defenseless interior,” Brian said, staring intently at his hands.

Brian and Lindsay stayed quiet until he heard her softly sniffling.  When he looked at her, a few tears were falling down her cheeks.

“Not this again,” he said with an understanding smile.

“I know, right?”  She wiped the backs of her hands against her face.  “Sorry.”

“No apologies.  What’s the matter?”

“Nothing’s the matter.  I guess... I’m just a little sad to not be pregnant anymore.”

“Really?”

She nodded.  “Yes.  I mean, aside from the vomiting and swollenness and stuff, I really did love it.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“I never really talk about it.  I felt... it feels too personal in a way.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Being pregnant... there’s a whole new life inside of you.  And I suppose I’m just going to miss that feeling.  The feeling of closeness with another life, one that I created.  There is nothing like it in this world.  It’s better than... anything you can think of.”

“Did you... did you feel that way with Gus?”

“Oh yes.  Maybe that’s part of the reason I wanted to have another baby so badly, because I wanted to feel that way again.  It’s selfish, I know.  But now I’m sad because, Taylor is definitely it for us, and I’ll never have that again.”

“I’m just so glad that you did this,” Brian told her, rubbing her back soothingly.  “With me and with Justin.  I don’t regret a thing.”

Lindsay laughed through her tears.  “I knew you wouldn’t,” she confessed.  “You never do.”

“When Gus was born, I thought I would.  When we were talking about how we’d probably fuck him up and be like our parents... I was so afraid that I’d finally done something I would truly regret.”

“I’m glad it turned out okay, then.”

Brian nodded.  “Yeah.  Yeah.  I think that we’ve really done okay.”

“We have, haven’t we?” Lindsay mused.  “I suppose we’re really all grown up now.  But for real this time.”

“Yeah,” Brian agreed as he pressed his forehead against Lindsay’s.  “And it’s not even as bad as I thought it would be.”

Lindsay placed her hand on Brian’s cheek.  “I want you to know that I am so glad that you’re here, and that you’ve been here through all of this.”

“Thanks.”

“You know, ten years ago, this is not what I imagined our relationship would be like.  To be honest, before you agreed to be my sperm donor, I wasn’t even sure if we’d still be in touch.”

Brian wished he couldn’t understand why she felt that way, but it was obvious.  “Yeah, me too.”

“When Mel and I decided to have a child, we didn’t consider anyone aside from you,” Lindsay confessed quietly.

“Really?”  Brian’s tone was full of honest surprise, which was not what Lindsay was expecting.

“Yes, really.  Melanie wanted to just keep things simple by going to a sperm donor.  But I insisted and insisted that we at least ask you first.  Melanie was annoyed because she thought I didn’t believe that a child could feel complete without a parent of each sex.  But that wasn’t it at all.  I had no doubt that as long as there were two loving parents there, the baby could be just as happy, or miserable, as anyone else.  In the end I did it out of my own selfishness.  It was a service to my need for what I thought would make me feel complete.  And that was having you around.”

Brian snorted his amusement at the idea.  “Oh I get it now.  You thought that if I knocked you up, you could hook me in by convincing me to do the honorable thing and marry you.”

“Oh yeah,” Lindsay scoffed.  “Don’t worry, Brian, I never expected you to be honorable.”

Brian chuckled, and Lindsay felt relieved.  He took it as a joke.

“But in the end, you always surprised me.  You always found a way to do the right thing, even if it took you a while to come around.  Whether it was giving Melanie the rights to Gus or finally settling down with Justin, you always came around.”

Shrugging, Brian planted his tongue in his cheek before saying, “I suppose I like to keep people guessing.”

“I suppose.”

“But I just hope... if anything, you never questioned that I love you.”

Lindsay pressed her lips together and smiled with a heavy sigh.  Brian was never as much of as enigma as he liked to make himself out to be.  Taking his now stubble-covered cheeks in her still slightly swollen hands, Lindsay kissed his forehead with all the affirmation that she could muster.

“Never.  Not once.”

As Brian gently hugged her, Lindsay thought that the perks of being a grown-up definitely outweighed the responsibilities.

~*~

Eventually, Melanie and Lindsay convinced Brian and Justin to go home and get some rest.  But once they were in the car, Brian realized that rest was the last thing on Justin’s mind.  When they were halfway home, Brian had to make Justin swear on his sketchbook to keep his hands to himself until they got to the loft.  He explained that the combination of exhaustion and arousal was extremely intoxicating and therefore unsafe while driving.  Agreeing reluctantly, Justin took it so far as to not even hold Brian’s hands until they had crossed the threshold of the loft.

Once they were inside, Justin was ravenous, tearing off his and Brian’s clothes before Brian could realize what was going on.

“Christ, Justin,” he moaned, trying to keep up with the kisses being planted on his neck and shoulders.

“Make love to me!” Justin demanded.

“Make love to you?” Brian repeated with a laugh.  “Well isn’t that awfully romantic.  Are you sure you’re talking to the right boyfriend?”

“Yes!  God!  I have never felt so fucking alive in my whole life.  If you don’t have your hands all over my right now, I am going to explode all over your one-of-a-kind, Italian furniture!”

Brian and Justin were night and day, and Brian knew it.  “Shit.  You are nothing like me,” he said, putting his hands on Justin’s face and caressing his glowing cheeks with his thumbs.  He took a long, sobering look at his lover.  He didn’t want to bring Justin back down to Earth just yet; he only wanted to try to catch up.

“I am so glad that you are nothing like me.”

“What do you mean?” Just asked in between the kisses to Brian’s fingers.

“I mean, when Gus was born, I had never felt closer to death.  And you... you are so full of life.  More than usual, anyway.”

“Oh right, as if I could forget.  The first thing your son said to you wasn’t ‘dada,’ it was ‘tick, tick, tick.’”

“I was such an asshole.”

“Yeah, you were.  Now you’re just being a fucking drama queen.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what I get for spending so much time with you!”

Justin laughed and pulled Brian’s face close to his.  “Are you gonna fuck me, or what?”

Brian answered that question by grabbing Justin’s hands and pulling him to their bed.


	32. Understanding

When Gus was seven years old, he experienced his first family death. He lost the grandmother that he never knew, and now he never would. He had a foggy memory of watching his mother break down when she received the call from her estranged father.

He was coloring intently in his Spongebob coloring book after being dropped off by his father, who had taken him to the park. Gus sat at the kitchen table while Lindsay chatted with Brian.

Gus hadn't been home for fifteen minutes when the phone rang, and Lindsay politely asked Brian to wait a second while she answered the phone. Brian took this opportunity to watch over Gus's shoulder as he filled in Sandy's brown fur with the Burnt Orange crayon.

"Did you just start that now, Gus?"

The child nodded without stopping or looking away from the picture. "Yes, just when we got back."

"You're very good at staying inside of the lines," Brian said. "I never was."

"It just takes practice, Daddy. I bet if you practiced you could do it!" Gus cheered enthusiastically, dragging his eyes away from his art long enough to encourage his father.

Grabbing the Salmon crayon, Gus held it out to Brian. "Do you want to try coloring Patrick? He's not too hard so I think you can do it."

"Really? You think so?" Brian asked, exaggerating his skepticism. When Gus nodded enthusiastically, Brian added, "I still don't know..."

"Dad, you're so silly," Gus said with a small giggle. "I think you can do anything!"

Inspired by his son's faith in him, Brian took the crayon and kissed the top of Gus's head. "Okay, you convinced me. But I might need your help."

"Don't worry. I'll help you to stay in the lines."

Just as Brian brought his crayon to the paper, he heard Lindsay's flustered tone.

"Slow down, slow down! I can't understand."

Brian watched Lindsay as she listened, her free hand plastered to her forehead. After a few moments, her eyes met Brian's, and he knew that something wasn't right. Her eyes were filled with tears, but she wasn't crying, nor did she look like she was going to.

"When?"

Another long pause.

"Was it... was there something else going on?" Lindsay's voice was calm, but Brian saw that she was shaking.

"Dad, why'd you stop? You can do it!" Gus called out, mistaking his father's concern for giving up.

"I know. I will. Just keep coloring, Sonny Boy, okay?"

Shrugging, Gus went back to his project while Brian cautiously approached Lindsay. He mouthed, 'What?' to her, but she didn't respond.

"Yeah, okay... No, no, I understand... Yeah... Dad, listen, I have to go... No, I'm not-... Dad, Dad! I'll call you later... I will!... Uh huh... Okay... Bye."

Lindsay pressed the TALK button on the phone and exhaled a heavy, shaky breath. Holding the phone with both hands, she pressed it against her stomach and focused on the floor. When after a moment she said nothing, Brian tried to get her to speak.

"Linz? What?"

Lindsay lifted her eyes and looked at Brian, but there was no focus. "My- uh- my mom... she just died. She had a stroke and... just... died."

"Jesus," Brian muttered, just below his breath. "Lindsay, I'm so-"

"Don't!" she ordered harshly, her teeth clenched and tears now beginning to fall over the brims of her eyes. "Don't you dare say you're sorry!"

Before Brian had a chance to attempt another form of solace, Lindsay swung her arm around and thrashed the phone against the counter as she sobbed. Reacting without thinking, Brian threw himself into the fire and tried to get a hold on Lindsay, who didn't notice when she clipped his left eyebrow with the phone. Ignoring the fresh pain in his face, Brian grabbed Lindsay's wrists from behind and wrestled her back to his chest. She fought against him, but he was too strong.

Pressing his lips next to her ear, Brian whispered, "Don't don't don't don't don't don't." He continued this simple mantra until he got a glimpse of Gus's terrified face just and Lindsay gasped, "Let me go, Brian."

"Lindsay." Brian said her name firmly into her ear as he felt her losing the fight. "Gus."

And it was over.

Gus watched from the kitchen table as his mother crumpled in his father's arms. He had never seen any of his parents cry before; he didn't even know that grown-ups _could_ cry. 

When Melanie came home early from work an hour later, Gus knew that something must be really wrong. At seven years old, Gus had a superficial understanding of what death meant, even if he didn't have any real experience with it in his short life. What he didn't understand was Lindsay's relationship- or lack thereof- with her mother.

Once she had calmed down somewhat, Lindsay locked herself in her bedroom, saying that she needed to be alone. Brian let her be and stayed with Gus, calling Justin to cancel their dinner plans and tell him the news. Justin asked if he should come over in the way that told Brian he would be there in fifteen minutes regardless of the answer. Brian didn't argue; he could already hear Justin putting on his shoes.

Justin was at the house by the time Melanie got home. The moment Gus heard his mother coming inside, he leapt from his chair at the kitchen table and ran to the door.

"Mama!" he cried out, wrapping his arms around her waist. She placed her hands on the back of his head and enjoyed the feeling of having her son be close to her. A moment later Brian and Justin came into the foyer, and Melanie could tell from the look on Brian's face that it wasn't pretty.

"How is she?" Melanie asked, not taking her hands off of Gus, who was now grasping her from the side and looking up at his father.

Brian shrugged and looked at the floor. "She's upstairs."

Nodding, Melanie squatted down to talk to Gus. "Okay, Baby, I have to go upstairs and check on Mommy. Stay here with Daddy and Justin."

"Is Mommy okay?"

The concern in Gus's voice broke Melanie's heart. "She's going to be fine. But right now, she's just very sad."

"Because her mom died?"

"Yeah, honey. She passed away."

"Is she gonna get buried now?"

"Soon. In a few days. There are some things that have to get done first."

Seeming to be satisfied with these answers, Gus asked one more question. "Can I watch TV?"

Melanie smiled and pushed a few strands of hair behind Gus's ear. She realized then that she was going to have to reschedule his appointment with the barber again.

"Yeah. Go ahead."

Gus grabbed Justin's hands and pulled him into the living room. After watching the blonde fall onto the couch with his arm almost protectively around her son, Melanie passed Brian without a word on her way to the stairs. When she reached the second step, she felt his hand on her arm.

"If you need me to, I can take Gus tonight. I mean... whatever Lindsay wants."

Melanie nodded; she could feel herself going into business mode. "Okay. I'll talk to her about it."

"Okay. Just let me know if there's anything I can do."

Melanie felt the itch of tears burning in her eyes as she took Brian's hand. "Thank you."

"Of course," Brian answered mechanically, telling Melanie that there was no need to thank him; that he was just doing what he thought was his job. In a sense it was; it was his job as a father to look after his son. But as a friend, he always found some small way to fall just above the curve in his expression- in his way- of just how much he cared. 

"No. Brian, I mean... Thank you," she said. She stated the expression of gratitude as if it were a confession, her voice barely a whisper as she placed her thumb gently next to the bruise that had formed just above Brian's eyebrow. 

It took Brian a moment to understand the emotion behind Melanie's words. When he did, he tried to smile but couldn't. It just wasn't that kind of moment.

"It's the least I can do."

Melanie nodded slowly before heading upstairs.

After the funeral, Gus got to see his mother put back together the pieces that he had watched fall apart just a few days before.

Though Lindsay's father was having company back at his house following the burial, Lindsay decided that she and her family wouldn't be going. She figured if her mother didn't want her in that house in life, then why would she want her there in death? So Lindsay and Melanie took Gus and Jenny back to their own house where Brian, Justin, Michael, Ben, and Hunter were waiting for them.

Less than an hour after returning from the funeral, the doorbell rang. Thinking that it was probably Debbie, Melanie casually answered the door, a smile still on her face from the anecdote Hunter had just recounted about his psychology lab. The smile faded fast when she saw who was standing on the other side.

"Ron. What are you-"

"Melanie, please. I have to talk to Lindsay," he told her, begging her with his eyes, which were filled with tears.

"Come in," she answered through her shock. Melanie had never seen Ron show any strong emotion before, much less cry. She didn't know that sixty-three year old WASPs _could_ cry in public.

Ron Peterson walked into the house on unsteady legs, and though all eyes were on him, his focus was fixed on his daughter. When he saw her, tears began to fall faster down his cheeks, and he made no attempt to hide them. Though he was laying his weakness out on the floor in front of her, Lindsay approached her father with caution.

"What are you doing here? There are people at the house."

"I don't care," he said, shaking his head slowly. Holding his hands out in from of him as if he were presenting an offering to the gods, he told her his purpose.

"Lindsay, you have to forgive me. I've been so awful and so blind, but that stops now."

"Dad..."

"No. Listen to me. I'm telling you that I'm sorry. And you just.. You just _have_ to forgive me."

"Daddy..."

"You have to forgive me! I just lost your mother. I'll be damned if I lose you too."

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"Say it's not too late."

Lindsay found herself speechless. She wanted to tell her father that it wasn't too late, that they had time for a second chance, but she wasn't sure. She just couldn't see that far ahead, and she didn't want to make a promise that she couldn't keep.

Lindsay wasn't sure if it was his uncharacteristic display of weakness, or her own desire to have her father back in her life that moved her so, but she knew that it wouldn't really matter. She couldn't remember walking the five feet that had been between them, or throwing her arms around his neck like she used to when he'd return from a business trip, or when she had started to cry. But in that moment, being in her father's arms made everything okay.

"We can try."

"Oh, Lindsay, I'm so sorry."

"It's all right," she said softly. And the strange thing was that Lindsay really meant it. Everything that had made them so different and so distant in the past fifteen years didn't matter all at once. All of a sudden, Lindsay had her father in her life again.

As Lindsay shared her first embrace with her father in years, the others started to glance away as if they would be intruding by watching. Brian noticed that someone was missing, and out of the corner of his eye he saw Justin fleeing up the stairs and out of sight. Taking the stairs two by two, Brian went after his lover. When he reached the top, he looked around for a moment, trying to figure out where Justin had gone. The bathroom door was open and no one was inside, so Brian followed his instinct, which wasn't always right when it came to Justin. But today he was on point, and he found Justin sitting on Gus's bed.

When Justin looked up in response to the sound of Brian entering, Brian could see the tear streaks on the blonde's face. Justin looked down at his shoes as if were caught and ashamed, and Brian felt guilty. He knew it was his fault that Justin would never quite feel like he could be completely vulnerable around Brian again.

"What's the matter?" Brian asked, standing over Justin and running his fingers through his golden locks.

Justin just shook his head and exhaled heavily, further tangling Brian's fingers into his hair.

Keeping his hands on Justin's head, Brian squatted down so that he and Justin were on eye level with each other.

"What?"

Justin pursed his lips and clenched his jaw. It was a simple sign of sadness, but Brian was finding it overwhelming.

"Talk to me."

"I can't," Justin said, his voice barely a whisper. Brian could tell he was starting to break as a few tears slid down his face and he put his hands on Brian's wrists.

"Yes, you can. You can." Brian hated it when people would tell him something twice, but some things just bear repeating.

"I know I can. I just don't want to hear myself say what I'm thinking."

"Why?"

"Because it's pitiful. Because it makes me sound... makes me feel hopeless."

Brian shook his head as he moved his hands to the sides of Justin's face, Justin still clinging gently to his wrists. Rubbing his thumbs over Justin's cheeks just below his eyes, Brian felt the salty wetness moistening the tips of his fingers. Justin closed his eyes and pursed his lips as if he were giving up and giving in to Brian.

"My father will never come to me like that and ask for my forgiveness," he said matter-of-factly, not opening his eyes. "No matter how much I wish he would, I can't will him to not hate me."

As Justin's grip tightened slightly, Brian thought of what the right thing to say would be. "It's his loss."

That wasn't it.

Dropping his arms harshly to his sides, Justin pulled Brian's hands off of his face. Still, he didn't let go.

"Do you think that matters to him?" Justin asked, spitting out the last word as if it were a curse.

"No, I don't. But the only person who I pity is him, and you know how I feel about pity."

Unable to stop himself, Justin cracked a smile. "You're not funny, asshole," Justin informed his lover as he pulled Brian into a tight hug.

"I know." 

Brian held Justin for a long time, his fingers tracing patternless circles on his back. Justin's face was buried in the crook of his neck; even, warm breaths rose and fell like waves, and Brian's jaw was the shoreline. Eventually, Justin's hold loosened and when he finally let go, Brian felt like it was time to confess.

"I never told you that I told my dad that I'm gay."

Justin's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. "What?"

"Yeah." Hoisting himself off of the floor, Brian took a seat next to Justin on the bed. "Right after he told me that he was dying."

"Why?"

Brian still wasn't sure. "Debbie convinced me that it was the right thing to do."

"Was it?" Justin asked the question with a tone of sincere innocence that Brian hadn't heard from him in years. He was seventeen again, unable to understand why Brian had never told his parents that he was gay. Except now the question was why he would.

"I don't know."

"How did he react?"

"He told me that I should be dying instead of him. The words 'fucking fairy' may have been involved. I don't know. It was a long time ago."

"What bullshit." Justin had muttered the words under his breath. Though they were nothing special, they seemed to be just what Brian needed to hear.

"Yeah, it was. But you know what's worse? Do you know what I was hoping he would say?"

"No. What?"

"I know." Brian waited for some sort of reaction, but Justin simply slipped his hand into Brian's.

"Talk about pathetic."

"It's not pathetic," Justin told him. "It's real. It's... understandable."

"But it's not understandable for you to wish that you were close with your father?"

"It doesn't feel like it is."

Brian sighed as he squeezed Justin's hand. "Look, when Jack died, I felt this weight on me that I tried to pretend was nothing. But for days I just felt like my chest was sinking."

Justin nodded as his eyes fell on twined fingers. "Grief."

"Yeah. But it wasn't what I had expected."

"What do you mean?"

"I wasn't grieving because I had lost my father. I was grieving what I would never have with my father."

Justin put his free hand on the side of Brian's neck, the tips of his fingers brushing against his hair. "I'm sorry."

"I mean, at least you have the memory of something that was good." Brian didn't mean for the words to come out sounding so sour, but sometimes he didn't have control over these things.

"Brian, I'm sorry." Brian half expected Justin to sound angry or annoyed for Brian's repulsive display of envy, but Justin simply sounded understandingly sad for his lover. It made Brian want to crawl inside of himself until he felt like he wasn't being watched. Instead, he fought his instincts and tried to breech the surface.

"And... Look, I just don't want the same thing to happen to you when your father dies."

"You planning on taking him out or something?"

Brian chuckled despite himself. "Who's not funny now?"

"I'm just trying to lighten the mood."

"Do you think it worked?" he asked, raising an eyebrow and pulling Justin's forehead against his own. The tip of Brian's tongue rested unsurely on the edge of his lip as he looked from under his lashes at his wordless partner. His hands were firmly planted on the back of Justin's neck, but not in the way that he was being possessive.

It was just the opposite.

Then, without warning, the floodgates opened.

It took both Brian and Justin by surprise. From such a quiet moment suddenly came an overwhelming storm of sadness. Brian didn't even know he was sobbing until he realized that Justin was trying to comfort him. Brian's face was buried in Justin's shirt, the buttons pressing into his cheek. Justin held Brian as securely as he could, as if Brian might completely crumble to pieces if he didn't. He could feel Brain's fists grasping his shirt as he wept for something Justin couldn't quite identify.

Justin wasn't sure why Brian felt like falling apart now, at this very moment. He didn't know how his own sadness about his father triggered such a tremendous grief in Brian. But what he did know, and what seemed to be the most important concept for him to grasp, was that he held the key to easing Brian's suffering. Holding Brian, kissing Brian's hair and allowing his shirt to soak up decades-old tears, that was what would matter.

Justin thought that maybe there was something he could say to make Brian feel better. But ultimately he knew that some things were better left unsaid.

~*~

Sometimes Brian felt as though he were a spectator to his own life. He didn't feel detached from what happened to him; it was the exact opposite. He experienced everything so intensely, so fully, but he had no control. It was as if he were watching his life as it happened, and he had so many wonderful and powerful ideas, yet he could not follow through with any of them.

Once, when he was seventeen, Brian made the mistake of expressing this sentiment to Michael. His face scrunched up as he narrowed his brown eyes.

"What?"

"I mean, do you ever feel like you're a spectator to your own life?"

Michael shook his head. "You mean, like, like you're detached? Like a movie or something?"

Brian choked a bitter laugh, too bitter for someone his age but not his experience. Detached? He was sleeping at Michael's house that night after just barely escaping from his own. Both his mother and father were plastered, and after seeing Claire run past his room with a fresh black eye, he grabbed his school bag and climbed out of his window. It's not like anybody was going to be looking for him. Detached?

He wished.

"Just forget it, Mikey," Brian said casually. He couldn't blame Michael for not understanding. No one who had experienced so little hatred in his life could possibly know what he meant.

Brian vowed that he wasn't going to stay a victim of his own unfortunate circumstances. He was going to get the best scholarships to the best schools and then get the best job and never look back at his former life. He was no longer going to be a spectator; he was going to be the director, producer, and star. For the most part, for a long time, Brian fulfilled this life for himself.

That was before he met Justin.

And then the bashing happened.

And then he was in love.

And very suddenly, everything that Brian had worked so hard to control was completely out of his grasp.

One night, sometime after Justin's first pride but long before the Ethan fiasco, Brian was lying restlessly awake in bed. Lying on his back, he had spent the past two hours trying to fall asleep, staring hopelessly at the ceiling as if the key to sleep was hidden above his head. Overwhelmed by balancing work and play, but mostly Justin, Brian felt like he was spinning out of control. There was so much going on for him, too much happening all at once. And there was this precious person breathing softly beside him night after night, and while on the one hand Brian had never had so much stability in his life at once, he had never been so terrified by the potential for real intimacy and equilibrium.

Lost in his reveries, Brian was startled when Justin's hand suddenly flopped onto his chest, and when he looked to his left, he saw that his lover was also wide awake. He should have known considering there hadn't been a single occurrence of Justin crying out in his sleep from some awful and all-consuming night terror.

Placing his hand on top of Justin's and curling his fingers around the soft skin, Brian asked, "What are you still doing up?"

Justin choked a tired laugh. "You sound like my father when I used to sneak out of bed."

"Usually so that you could weasel your way into mine," Brian teased, rolling onto his side to face Justin fully. The teen scooted over in bed so that he could be closer to Brian, who wrapped his arm around him.

"That's true."

"Yeah."

"So, why are you still up?"

Brian shrugged, his shoulder lightly bumping Justin's chin. "I don't know. Just can't sleep."

Running his fingers through Brian's hair, Justin stopped his hand with his thumb thumping softly on his temple. "Too much going on up there?"

"Something like that," Brian said, nodding.

"Tell me why you can't sleep."

"I don't really feel like talking about it."

"Please." Justin had this way of begging that made it sound like he wasn't even asking a question, which made Brian want to pour his heart out to him.

"Justin..."

"Come on! All I've been doing for the past few months is talking, talking, talking and burdening you-"

"You're not a burden."

"Let me finish! Burdening you with all my shit and unloading and unloading... It would just make me feel better if you would talk to me a little. So just do it, okay?"

Looking over Justin's shoulder, Brian focused on the lamp on Justin's nightstand. He sighed, biting the bullet.

"Do you ever... feel like you're a spectator to your own life?"

When Brian finally felt brave enough to make eye contact, Justin was staring at him without answering. Just staring.

Brian laughed at himself. "Do you even know what I mean?"

Justin's eyes filled with tears, his voice fluttering softly as he said, "I know _exactly_ what you mean."

Brian had known for some time that he was in love with Justin, but that night was the first time that he had ever had the urge to say it. The desire to spew out the words was so powerful and so utterly terrifying, that Brian couldn't think of what else to do other than press his lips forcefully against Justin's. Justin reciprocated the kiss a bit hesitantly at first, but eased into it as Brian backed off. They kissed for a few satisfying minutes of solace, and when it didn't evolve into anything more, Justin felt relieved, and Brian felt like he was regaining control.

~*~

When Brian's life had been out of control because of his father, he felt terrified and alone. 

When it was on account of Justin, he felt anxious and exhilarated.

When the driving force in Brian's world was his son, he never felt so much like he and his life had reached some sort of incredibly just understanding, a compromise. No matter what happened, Brian always knew that when it came to Gus, every choice he made would be to benefit his child to the best of his ability. Well, that was once he had the sense to sign his parental rights over to Melanie. For the first time, he knew that he was doing something good, something kind, that wasn't serving any ulterior purpose. Gus was the first and only thing in Brian's whole life that ever gave him a sense of true clarity.

So when the time came for him to celebrate his fatherhood, when Melanie and Lindsay were having a get together for all the daddies in their lives (plus everyone else), Brian was less reluctant than usual to oblige and acknowledge a Hallmark holiday.

"Happy Father's Day," Melanie grumbled at Brian and Justin as she opened the door for them. Taylor was wailing in her arms, and Melanie was trying to calm her. She looked exhausted in the way that any new parent would. Compared to the past few times that Brian and Justin had seen her, she looked particularly worn down.

"You're early," Melanie informed them, sounding rather relieved as they stepped inside.

"Yeah, well, practically early is the new fashionably late," Justin told her with a smile. He kissed her cheek and held out his arms as she passed his daughter to him.

"I must have missed that in Vogue this month," she teased.

Justin grinned at her remark, but it was directed at his fussing baby. "Hey, sweetie," he cooed softly, bouncing Taylor in his arms in an attempt to sooth her.

Justin, wrapped up in his daughter, didn't notice what immediately caught Brian's attention upon entering. To his left in the living room, Lindsay was practically wrestling with another screaming child. He could see her failing attempts to calm Jenny's tantrum, but nothing seemed to be working.

"So glad to see everyone's in such a good mood today," Brian said casually as he approached his friend.

Lindsay looked up from the sobbing child long enough to mouth 'fuck off!' to Brian before turning her attention back to Jenny.

"Sorry," he said quietly, not wanting to add fuel to Chernobyl.

"It's no thanks to your son!" she told him in the kind of whisper only parents know how to use when trying to talk to other adults without calling the attention of their children. Unfortunately, Lindsay needed to work on her delivery.

"I hate him!" Jenny wailed at the top of her lungs.

"Baby, don't say that," Lindsay told her softly. "You think you mean that now but..."

"I mean it forever, ever, EVER!"

"Fine, Jenny, have it your way," Lindsay said, throwing in the towel.

"What happened?" Brian finally dared to ask just as Melanie walked in. Brian saw her mouth 'still?' to her wife, who nodded and rolled her eyes.

"Justin has the baby," Melanie informed Lindsay with a sigh. "Why don't you take a break and I'll sit with her for a while."

Nodding, Lindsay kissed her daughter's head before trading places with Melanie. When she stood from the couch, Lindsay cocked her head as she stared for a moment at Brian through the locks of golden hair that had fallen into her eyes. After a few seconds, Brian began to feel self-conscious.

"What?"

She pressed her lips together and smiled. "He just looks so much like you."

"Cary Grant? I know."

"Yeah, right," Lindsay said as she choked a laugh. Grabbing Brian's elbow, Lindsay led him out of the room. "Come on. I'll tell you what happened."

Lindsay walked Brian into the kitchen, where Justin was sitting at the table with Taylor purring in his arms. Lindsay's draw dropped.

"How did you do that?" she asked. "She's been crying for almost an hour."

Justin smiled, clearly pleased with himself. "It's funny. I just did what I used to do with Gus."

"Speaking of Gus," Brian segued pointedly, "what the hell happened? Why is Jenny swearing him off for all eternity?"

Lindsay rolled her eyes. "Oh, he is just so your son."

"What does that mean?"

Lindsay smirked. "He knows just what to say to someone to really, really hurt them. All without lying."

Brian's first instinct was to defend himself, but he knew that Lindsay was right. Instead, he asked, "what did he say to her?"

"We were all downstairs setting up for the barbeque and Jenny was holding the baby on the couch with Mel sitting next to her. Gus was on the other end of the couch, arms crossed, a puss on his face, he had been moping all morning but wouldn't say why. 

"So I come over with the camera and ask Gus to move in so I can take a picture of everyone. He says that he won't, and when I try to convince him, Jenny just starts very excitedly saying, 'Take it of me and my sister! My little baby sister!' And so on. 

"After a minute of this Gus suddenly jumps up and practically screams at her, 'She's not even your real sister!' Mel and I were totally shocked, and before I can even say anything, Jenny insists that she is, to which Gus replies by telling her that she's his real sister and not hers, and she'll never be his or Taylor's real sister."

Brian was speechless; he just stared at Lindsay, slowly shaking his head.

"So that's why she's crying?"

"Yeah. And with all the yelling and crying that took place in the moments after Gus's outburst, well, it got Taylor pretty wound up. So we've had two crying children for almost an hour, and I still have to finish setting up the rest of the house and-"

"So where's Gus?" Brian asked, cutting her off.

"What?"

"Well, two of the three children are accounted for, but what did you do with my son?"

Lindsay crossed her arms as if to deflect the accusation in Brian's tone. "You say that like I'm an executioner."

"You know what I mean."

"I took him up to his room," Lindsay told him with a soft huff as she moved her hands to her hips.

"And?"

"And he sat on his bed, crossed his arms, and wouldn't say a word to me. Not a word."

"What do you think's going on with him?" Justin asked.

Lindsay sighed defeatedly. "I don't know," she admitted. "He's been acting so strangely lately. I'm a little worried. Because you know how he is. Something's bothering him and he just clams up."

"Yeah, I know," Justin said, his eyes fixed on Brian.

"I was actually hoping that you would try talking to him," Lindsay said to Brian. "He always tells you things that he would never say to me or Mel. It's like he trusts you and not us, sometimes."

"You know that's not true," Brian said.

Lindsay shrugged. "I know, I know. It can just be very... frustrating."

"I'm his dad. It's just..." Brian shrugged when he realized that he didn't know what it was. "It's just a thing, I guess."

Lindsay shook her head. "It makes me feel a little guilty sometimes, I guess, that he can't have us both around all the time. It's not his fault."

"Kids can't choose their parents," Justin pointed out as he adjusted Taylor's delicate form in his arms. She squirmed a bit and settled in, and Justin smiled down at her. "But we all do the best we can."

~*~

When Brian reached the door of Gus's room, he was sure exactly what the protocol was for entering. He wasn't sure if it was appropriate to knock, or if he needed to. Do almost ten year olds even desire privacy? Brian decided that ultimately, no, Gus didn't. The kid _was_ in trouble, after all.

Slowly, Brian pushed open the door. When he didn't hear any loud objections, he continued his path inside until he was over the threshold and the door was closed behind him. Gus was sitting on his bed, just as Lindsay had described him, which meant just as Lindsay had left him an hour ago. Brian sighed heavily before sitting on the bed next to his downtrodden son.

"Hey,Gus."

Gus didn't respond.

"You're not going to say 'hello' to your old man?"

Gus shook his head.

"Well, that kind of hurts my feelings," Brian admitted, mostly to guilt Gus into speaking.

He didn't.

"You know, I'm not mad at you, if that's what you think." This got Gus's attention. At least now he was looking at Brian. "Your mom didn't send me up here to yell at you or anything."

"She didn't?"

Success. "Nope. I just wanted to see what was going on."

Gus uncrossed his arms; another small victory. "Did she tell you about what happened?"

Brian nodded. "Yes, she did."

"Oh," Gus said with a shockingly nonchalant shrug.

"Oh? You know, I'm not mad, but it did make me very sad to hear that you had said that to your sister."

"She is _not_ even my sister. Not really."

"Why would you say something like that?" Brian asked, stunned by the malice in Gus's voice.

"Because she doesn't have the same mom _or_ the same dad as me. So she's not my real sister."

"Do you think that blood is the only thing that makes someone your family?"

Gus recrossed his arms and huffed. Brian couldn't understand why all of a sudden he had so much anger toward Jenny, so much feeling of detachment. He had never before questioned the state of his family.

"Gus, let me ask you something. How would you feel if Justin told you that you weren't a part of his family?"

Gus's eyes darted to his father's face and filled with tears. "Did he say that?" he asked, his voice thick with concern. Brian hadn't meant to upset him, just to give him some perspective.

"No, no, no, Justin would never say that. But that's my point. Being related to someone isn't what makes them your family."

Gus's head drooped as he began to cry. "I know, Justin told me that already."

"He did? So then why would you still say that to Jenny?"

Putting his face in his hands, Gus sobbed harder. "I just wish that I could live with you and Justin sometimes."

"Gus, you see me and Justin all the time."

"But I want to _live_ with you! Why can't I live with you and stay here sometimes?"

"Gus, that's just not the arrangement that I have with Mel and Lindz. Besides, don't you think you'd miss them?"

Gus shrugged and then nodded. "Yeah, but I miss you, too. Do I live here because you don't want me?"

"No, Gus, no!" Brian said, even though it was sort of a lie. Gus didn't live with him because he hadn't intended to be Gus's part-time parent, much less his full-time parent. Even now, as much as he loved Gus, he knew that a full-time situation wouldn't be right for either of them.

"Then why do I live here and not with you?"

"Because when you were born, this was the arrangement that Melanie, Lindsay, and I knew would be the best for you."

"I don't think it is," Gus told his father without hesitation.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I'm always with girls all the time!" he explained.

Chuckling, Brian wrapped his arm around his son's shoulder. This was a lot simpler than he could have even hoped.

"Is this a girls have cooties thing?"

Gus stared up at his father. "Huh?"

"Nothing. Never mind," Brian said, dismissing his own question with a wave of his free hand. "Listen, do you want to spend a little more time with just me and Justin? Would that make you feel better?"

Gus nodded. "Yes."

"How would you feel about coming with me and Justin to New York next week?"

Gus's eyes widened in disbelief. "Dad, are you serious?"

"Would I joke about such a serious matter?" Brian asked, bringing his palm to his chest in mock shock.

"I don't know."

"Well I wouldn't," Brian told him with a laugh. "Really, I want you to come."

"Well I want to come, too! Do you think Mom would let me?"

"I think I can convince her."

"How?"

Brian smirked and squeezed his son a little tighter. "I have my ways with women."

~*~

"No."

"Are you kidding?"

"Do I look like I'm kidding?" Melanie asked, her face set like a grimace carved from marble.

"No?"

"Well, it's because I'm not!"

"I don't understand," Justin said, finally speaking up. "What's the big fucking deal?"

Melanie looked appalled by Justin's interjection. "The big _fucking_ deal is that your boyfriend offered to take our son, who is being punished, to New York without consulting Lindsay and me first."

"So you're saying no on principle?" Brian asked incredulously. "Get off it, Mel."

"Someone ought to have principles, and it might as well be me!"

"Oh give me a break," Justin said before Brian could get in another word.

"All of you stop it," Lindsay said, her forehead planted in her hands. "You're behaving like children and, as per usual, it's up to me to be the fucking peacemaker. Well I'm tired of it!"

Lindsay was shouting, so everyone knew that she was serious. Brian and Melanie both came from loud, hyperemotional shouting families, so when they raised their voices a few decibels, hardly anyone noticed. But Lindsay was a WASP, and when she raised her voice, she meant business.

"I am just so fucking tired. I'm tired of you fighting, I'm tired of not sleeping through the night, and I'm tired of Gus walking around like an angry zombie." Lindsay turned pointedly to her lover. "Mel, I think this would be good for him."

"How? For us to validate that he doesn't need to feel like a part of this family?"

"Of course not! But sometimes people just need space. Even nine-year-old people," Lindsay said with a shrug. "Why should we deny him that?"

For once, Melanie didn't have an argument. She sighed as she said, "All right, fine."

Lindsay took her hand. "Thank you."

"It's not for you," Melanie told her.

"I know."

Melanie's head fell into her hands for a long moment. When she looked up, she drew her lips into her mouth and pushed them out into an exaggerated pout. She didn't look like she wanted pity or even sympathy; she simply looked like she was on the verge of giving up.

"I just don't want him to think that... I don't know, I don't want him feeling..." she trailed off again and gave up on the thought.

"What?" Lindsay asked, taking Melanie's hand.

"Neglected," Brian said cautiously.

Melanie shrugged. "Maybe."

"It'll never happen, Mel, never," Brian said as if he had never been so sure of anything, and he was a man who made his living on being sure of everything.

"I just hate that this is so complicated and there's nothing we can do about it," Melanie confessed. "I'm never going to be his parent that way that Brian is."

"And I'll never be his parent the way that you are," Brian told her. "But that's just part of the deal."

"It isn't the same though. As juvenile as that sounds, it just isn't. He'll never look at me the way that he looks at you, and I suppose I'm... well... jealous."

"Mel, he'll never look at anyone the way he looks at Brian," Justin explained in a tone that made the statement seem like it should be completely obvious.

"What do you mean?"

"He's his dad, and he could have a thousand mothers but none of them would ever be to him what Brian is, because he's his dad. And that's just how it is."

As wonderful as it was to hear his lover speaking about him in this way, Brian couldn't help but notice only the subtle sadness in Justin's voice. Brian knew it was the truth, how Gus would never look at anyone the way that he looked at Brian, after all, he was supposed to be the model of son's future. 

Or something like that. 

But Justin's sadness was one that he could understand. Hell, it was one that he had lived. What made it worse was that it was something that no matter how hard he tried, Brian could never truly fix or replace what he and Justin had lacked in their childhoods. But Brian knew that there was no point in swelling on what he could not change about the past; instead, he would make a better future for his son by being the kind of father who Gus would want to grow up to be.

 


	33. Tremors

  
Author's notes: I hope this works... If anyone out there is still reading this, I cannot express enough my appreciation for your overly generous patience!!   


* * *

Though Brian was never a big fan of planes, the sight beside him eased his mind on the short flight from Pittsburgh to New York. Brian sat in the aisle with Gus at the window to his right and Justin in between them. Justin occupied Gus by showing him tricks to drawing various objects: elephants, cars, birds, faces. Gus’s favorite was the faces, and he practiced how to get the shading just right on sheets from Justin’s sketchpad and as many napkins at the flight attendant would bring him. Justin promised to buy him a sketchpad of his own once they got to New York.

Brian watched Justin busying himself with sketching the various expressions on Gus’s own face as he, Gus, drew. Twenty minutes into this exercise, Justin’s hand began shaking. Dropping his pencil, Justin slammed his hand onto his tray in a combination of frustration and an attempt to make the violent spasms stop. His pencil rolled onto the floor and escaped under the seats.

“Damn,” he muttered under his breath as softly as he could, aware of the young eyes that had fixed themselves upon him after Gus heard the startling smack.

“Hey, hey,” Brian said as soothingly as he could, careful not to sound patronizing, knowing that this sort of tone would only garner more anguish from his partner. Taking Justin’s hand with both of his own, Brian massaged the tense and still twitching appendages. He applied pressure to the soft pad between the thumb and forefinger, a trick he had learned many years ago.

“That’s a bad one,” Justin commented, justifying his reaction despite knowing that he needed no justification. “One of the worst I’ve had in months.”

“I know,” Brian said. “I can feel it.”

“My whole life,” Justin said softly. “The rest of my whole life.”

“I know, Justin.” Brian wished he had a better consolation to counter the sadness, the defeat in his lover’s voice; but after all this time, what was the point in pretending?

“Justin?”

Both Brian and Justin’s heads snapped in Gus’s direction. This was the first time Justin had ever lost control of his hand in front of Gus, and the panic in the child’s eyes asked a thousand dreadful questions.

“I’m okay, Gus. I’m fine.”

“What happened?”

Suddenly, Justin too felt panicked. He didn’t know what or how much to tell to Gus. The last thing he wanted to do was lie to him, and the second to last thing he wanted to do was frighten him. He knew that the _whole_ truth wasn’t a real option, so he looked to Brian for guidance. Brian’s steady stare and slightly raised brow told Justin that it was his call, not because Brian was abandoning him, but because ultimately it was his story to tell.

“What happened?” Gus asked again, this time his voice conveyed the intensity of his concern.

Justin sighed. “I had an accident a few years ago that caused me to have difficultly with my right hand.”

“How come I’ve never seen it before?”

“Well, the accident was a long time ago so my hand doesn’t tremor very often anymore. Only from time to time when I’m using it a lot.”

“Like when you were drawing just now?”

“Yeah. My hand just gets cramped up and shakes a bit. But now it’s okay, see?” Justin pulled his hand away from Brian, who reluctantly let go. Holding up his now unshaking hand, Justin tried to ease Gus’s worries.

“So… did you break it or something?”

“What?”

“Your hand? Did you break it?”

“No. The injury wasn’t to my hand.”

“Where was it then?”

“My head.”

“What happened to your head?”

With every vague answer that Justin gave, he hoped that Gus would be satisfied. Justin knew that he should have known better as the questions kept coming.

“There’s a part of the brain called the motor cortex, and it controls movements in your body. Mine got damaged a bit, so now I sometimes have trouble with the movements in my hand.”

“Did you have to stay in a hospital?”

“Yes. For a while.” 

“Was I alive when it happened?”

“Yes.”

“How come I don’t remember it then?”

“You were a very small baby. Not even a year old.”

“Oh. So you already knew Dad?”

“Yeah. I did.” Justin was relieved by the direction that the questions were taking. Until the next one.

“Did he come see you in the hospital?”

Justin’s mouth was a gaping, soundless hole. He didn’t understand where this particular curiosity came from, why Gus would be more interested in his father’s visitation than in how the accident happened. Before he could begin to form an answer, to create some way to explain that his father, the love of both their lives, never came to see him, Brian spoke.

“I visited him.”

Justin’s head turned slowly to his left, as if he were expecting to see someone else sitting next to him.

“What?”

Brian was staring right into his eyes. “Every night.”

“ _What?_ ”

Brian shrugged as if to say that Justin should have known. “Every night.”

Justin barely had time to react before Gus asked his next question.

“Did you see what happened, Dad?”

Whipping his head back to look at Gus, Justin felt like he was going to be sick. He couldn’t process what he had just heard. He knew without question that what Brian said was the truth, but it had been nine years. Nine years. How could he have never told him? And why now? Why in front of his son? Suddenly, Justin was the one full of questions. He felt like the floor of the plane was cracking, opening up to swallow him whole, until he realized that they were landing. That the seatbelt lights had gone on. That he was given an out.

“Put your tray up, Gus, and buckle your seatbelt.”

Gus nodded and quickly forgot all about the serious inquisition they were in the middle of just moments before. He was staring out the window at the iconic skyline with wide-eyed wonder. The restless lights of New York City were fast approaching, and Justin felt himself falling toward the earth.

~*~

The cab ride from LaGuardia was tense with no relief in sight. It was after ten when they had finally collected their luggage and loaded themselves into the taxi. Gus was asleep in less than five minutes, his cheek pressed heavily against Brian’s shoulder. Justin would have liked, in that moment, for Gus to have been a barrier between them. He resisted, however, as a fuss in the seating arrangement would have undoubtedly told Gus that something was wrong. Rather than react at all, he drew all of his anger and all of his upset deep inside of himself to seethe until he had a private moment with Brian to unleash.

Brian could tell that he was in trouble. Justin’s silence spoke volumes, more than when Saint Joan used to scream at him for some minor trespass, or when Jack would smack him for a slight violation of curfew or impudent tone of voice. Brian knew, though, that there was nothing slight or minor about his infraction against Justin. A secret that had gone undiscovered for so long, a secret that had betrayed Brian, had taken him by surprise in a moment of weakness.

_Well_ , Brian thought, _No good deed goes unpunished_.

Pathetically, knowing that it would only get him in more trouble, Brian tried to take Justin’s hand in the cab. Justin didn’t jerk away; he remained stiff, unreactive.

“Don’t.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t do that either.”

“Do what?”

“Apologize. Just don’t say anything. I can’t even... Just don’t right now.”

Brian opened his mouth to try again but decided against it. Choosing to not worry about what he could not control, Brian turned away and focused on the buildings whirring by.

~*~

Justin tipped the bellhop as Brian carried his sleeping son to bed. Taking off his son’s shoes, Brian noticed that Gus was looking up at him with sleep drenched eyes.

“Where... where...”

“We’re here Gus,” Brian told him, his voice just a decibel above a whisper. “We’re at the hotel.”

Gus closed his eyes and nodded. “Mmmkay.” And he was sleeping again.

Brian kissed his forehead as he pulled a blanket over Gus. “Goodnight, Sonny Boy.”

Pulling the door to Gus’s room closed behind him, Brian searched the dark suite for his boyfriend. A bright spark of something on the balcony caught his eye, and when he got outside, he saw that it was a cigarette burning in Justin’s mouth.

“This is a nonsmoking suite, you know.”

“I know. But you’re rich, you can afford the cleaning fee. Besides, I’m outside.”

“So what? You’re punishing me now?”

“Don’t do that!” Justin snapped as he yanked the cigarette from his mouth between the middle and forefinger of his right hand. He used it to point at Brian as he said, “Don’t turn yourself into the victim here!”

Brian held up his hands as if Justin’s pointed cigarette were a loaded gun. “All right. All right.”

Brian waited a moment, and when Justin put the cigarette back in his mouth, he asked, “So, how pissed at me are you?”

Justin sighed heavily through his nose, and Brian watched the long stream of smoke exit through Justin’s nostrils. Justin raked his fingers through his hair as he considered the question.

“I’m not pissed,” he said. “I don’t think I am. I just don’t understand.”

“What do you want to say, right now? What do you need to know?”

“Why now? Why did you tell me now, catch me off guard in front of Gus like that, use him to-”

“I didn’t use him for anything!” Brian said sternly. He knew that it was within Justin’s right to question his motives, but he wouldn’t allow the suggestion that he would ever _use_ his son for any purpose, no matter how upset Justin was.

“But why would you wait nine years... nine goddamn years and then tell me in front of him like that?”

“My plan all along had been to never tell you. To be honest-”

“For once.”

“Do you want to talk about this or do you want to keep cutting me off?”

“Yes, tell me. What happened? When did you come to see me?”

“I would come at night. When nobody else was there but me and the night nurse.”

“How did you get in after visiting hours?”  
  
Brian shrugged. “I had my ways. I think really, the nurse just felt bad for me and let me stay. She recognized me from the night you were brought in, and I was pretty fucked up about the whole thing.”

“Yeah. I remember,” Justin said, the slightest hint of compassion shining through his blue eyes.

“Did anyone else know?”

“It was between me and night nurse,” Brian answered, just barely avoiding a lie to spare Jennifer in this mess.

“What would you do when you came?”

“Just watch you, I guess. Watch you sleep, watch you breathe. Make sure you were still breathing.”

Justin took a drag on the cigarette and held the smoke in his lungs for a long time. When he exhaled Brian could barely see the tears building in his lover’s eyes through the curtain of smoke.

“I love you,” Brian blurted out. Justin shook his head and stubbed out his cigarette on the rail.

“You saying that... It’s not just gonna magically fix everything.”

“I know that, I know,” Brian stammered in a rare moment of verbal discomposure. “It just felt really important that I say it.”

“Well what am I supposed to do with that right now?”

“Whatever you want, I guess.”

Justin sighed again; this time it was smokeless.

“When did you say that you knew you loved me?”

Brian felt relieved; he knew he could get this one right. “Right after you were hit.”

“If you knew then, if you loved me then, why wouldn’t you come see me?” The look in Justin’s eyes, that unmistakable look of abandonment, made Brian’s insides fall apart.

“It was too hard,” Brian admitted what he couldn’t for almost a decade. What he had never told anyone else before. He was surprised by how easily the words passed by his lips.

“Too hard? Do you know how unbelievably fucking selfish that sounds?”

“Yes. It is selfish. I was selfish, and I think we know that.”

The next question, Justin asked even though he knew what the response would be. “What was too hard about it?”

Another easy answer for Brian. “Facing your mortality, it was almost as terrifying as facing my own.”

“So? So fucking what?”

“So it was enough for me to just watch you, and know that you were alive even if I knew you weren’t okay.”

“It wasn’t enough for me.” Justin was crying softly now. His voice was quiet but not weak. The sadness in his words was overwhelming.

“I needed you. I really needed you.”

“I don’t know what you want me to do, Justin.”

“I don’t know,” Justin said, wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands. “I don’t know. Go back and change. Go back and be with me when I needed you so badly that it hurt. How much I needed you,” he was shaking his head and looking at his hands, “it was palpable. It was something that slept in the hospital bed next to me.”

“Justin-”

“I know, I know,” he said, waving his hand dismissively. “I know you can’t change things. I know you can’t be there for me then.”

“But I’m here now. I’m here with you now.”

Justin nodded and took his first step toward Brian during the whole exchange. Wanting to let Justin have the lead, Brian waited for Justin to touch him, reach out to him, anything. But Justin made it clear that this was a waiting game, that he wasn’t ready for the first contact yet.

“I just wish you had told me. I wish you would stop trying to protect me all the time.”

“I wasn’t trying to protect you. I was trying to protect myself.”

“From me?” And there it was again. The fearful look of loneliness pulsing in Justin’s eyes that made Brian want to tear his lungs out.

“No, not from you. From reality!” Brian sensed the defensiveness erupting in his tone and checked himself. There was nothing to defend; the desire was mutual. “I just want all of this to be behind us, and here it is again. Here we are again.”

Justin breathed a familiar sigh, and a few more tears slid down his cheeks. Still, Brian didn’t move.

“I hate this,” Justin confessed. “I’m so tired of this awful thing defining us. Sometimes I feel like our whole relationship is based on this. This closeness that we have with each other is like our way of holding onto the past.”

“It really freaks me out to hear you talk like that.”

“I’m just talking. I know that’s not everything.”

“I wasn’t holding the bat.”

Justin’s eyes were wide and fixed on Brian, who was immobilized by Justin’s bewildered stare. Justin opened his mouth but couldn’t find the right words and closed it tight. He pulled his lips into his mouth and pushed them out. In and out. It was the first time that Brian could remember Justin looking at him like he didn’t know what to make of him. Like he simply didn’t know what to do with Brian, a puzzle he had mastered so long ago was now showing its tricky yet vulnerable underbelly.

“I didn’t mean it like that. You know I never blamed you, and it’s not my fault if you blamed yourself.”

Brian felt himself sinking, both of them sinking into a familiar grave. As much as he tried to stand on solid ground, the two of them always ended up in the quicksand. But he was determined; Brian had his mind set on climbing out this time, maybe once and for all. And Brian was a force to be reckoned with once his mind was made up.

“This isn’t getting us anywhere,” Brian told Justin, an attempt at a wake up call that seemed to take a slight hold on Justin. Justin relaxed slightly, the tension in his shoulders releasing just a bit, just enough.

“I know. I don’t want to be stuck here. I don’t do it on purpose.”

“Neither do I.”

Nodding, Justin turned and rested his forearms on the railing. He twined his fingers and hung his head, and Brian studied the crosshatch in Justin’s hands. He saw the interwoven parts of a difficult past: one damaged, one not. Still, both were totally intertwined, inseparable, indistinguishable. That was the thing about drawing these two pieces together: if one was damaged, the other one was there to pick up the slack. That’s the useful things about having two.

“I fucked up, Justin. I really fucked up. But I’m human. I’m human and I made a mistake. Christ, if I can finally accept that, I’d think you can, too.”

Justin leaned his forehead against his forearms so that his face was hanging slightly over the edge of the balcony; his neck was drooping, giving in against the weight of his head. He was surrendering now, using his body to admit that he knew there was nothing more that he could say. Brian saw this as his cue and he took another step toward Justin, just close enough so that he could flatten his palm against the small of Justin’s back. Justin softened at his touch and leaned toward Brian, giving him silent permission. 

Brian took one more slightly cautious step, and when he was close enough, Justin leaned into him completely so that his cheek was pressed against Brian’s stomach. Turning his face in, Justin buried his nose into the material of Brian’s shirt and inhaled. On the exhale, he felt Brian’s hands wrapping around his upper arms, pulling him upright. Justin allowed Brian to move him, allowed himself to be moved. When he was standing, he threaded his arms around Brian’s waist so that they were inside of his lover’s light summer jacket. Justin stood inside of his cocoon and basked in the reassurance of knowing that Brian really was there, there for him. This was Brian’s promise, and to Justin, Brian’s promises had always been invaluable.

There was a certain sense of safety that Justin only ever felt when he was with Brian, and it took him a long time to come to terms with this feeling. When he first identified this specific security that he felt with Brian, Justin believed it to be a sign of weakness, that he himself wasn’t enough. He thought that by giving into this dependence, he was somehow losing a part of himself, his identity; but that fear didn’t bother him anymore, since he knew that Brian would never let that happen. Besides, Justin knew that he was as much of a pillar for his partner as Brian was for him.

“I just keep thinking...” Justin stopped himself and sighed. “I don’t know.”  


“What?” It frustrated Brian that he still often needed to coax the words from Justin, as if Justin didn’t think Brian was prepared to listen.

“I keep thinking about Chris and how people change. How he changed. I mean, we’d known each other since the second grade; we even used to go and play at each others’ houses when we were kids. We didn’t stay friends once we got to high school, but it wasn’t like we didn’t like each other, you know? I mean, it wasn’t until I jerked him off that he started treating me like shit.” 

“You know you didn’t bring this on yourself, right? You know that.”

“I do. I know.” 

“Then what are you saying?”

“It’s like... as people get older and are supposed to be wiser, all they learn to do is hate.”

Brian used to believe the same thing, but it was the person in his arms that made him feel different. “I don’t think that’s true.”

“How can in not be true?”

“Look at me.”

Justin considered this and put up no argument. How could he? “I guess you’re the exception that makes the rule.” _As per usual_.

“I love you.”

Pressing his face deeper into Brian’s chest, Justin dug his nose into Brian’s collarbone. “You said that already.”

Brian grabbed Justin’s face in a way that was rough but not callous. He just wanted to make a point.

“I. Love. You.”

This time, something about the honesty, the vulnerability, in Brian’s voice really hit home. Justin felt the words rushing though him like the first time he had heard them.

“I know that you didn’t do it to hurt me, not being there the way I wanted you to be,” Justin finally admitted, repaying Brian’s declaration with something Brian needed to hear.

“Good.”

“It’s just hard to accept that I can’t change the past. But I’m working on it, I really am.”

“I know, Justin. And I just hope you know that I was there for you the best that I could be.”

Justin nodded. “I love you, too.”

Tilting his head down, Brian called Justin’s soft gaze and raised him a tender kiss on the mouth. After a moment Brian felt Justin’s grip tightening around his waist, and he could feel that they were getting through this. Little by little they were chipping away at something that Brian was starting to believe may not haunt them forever.


End file.
